Topic : 03/17 Kids Ask Dr. Phil

When I was 17 I went to Norway as an exchange student (I am from Australia by the way).  Near the end of my stay, about 10 months into the trip, I met a man who was 10 years older than me.  He had a bit of a bad reputation around town (nothing illegal, he was just your typical north Norwegian viking who was into bikes and snow mobiles/skidoos).   

  

My host family eventually banned me from seeing him, and it got to the point where I had to choose between staying away from him, or seeing him and being sent home early.  Well, you know how passionate teenagers can be!  I couldn't resist, so I ended up seeing him again, got caught out, and was quickly sent home, only 4 weeks prior to the rest of the exchange students. 

  

My host family had my best interests in mind, and I imagine that they did what they thought my parents would do.  In actual fact, my mum told them to go easy on me and not do anything drastic.  My mum lets me make my own decisions about men, and figured that if she banned me from seeing him I'd probably just rebel and end up marrying him to spite her. 

  

The Norwegian guy was allowed to come to Australia to be with me, and my parents were very supportive, even though they didn't really like the guy (he was very good looking but not the brightest crayon in the box).  They helped us move into our own apartment, and I completed my final year of school whilst living with my Norwegian boyfriend...and I don't know of any other students at the private school where I went who did that. 

  

Mum's gut instinct paid off in the end, because I realised in my own time (it took less than a year) that the relationship wasn't meant to be.  He was a good, kind person and we had a loving relationship, but I really was too young and inexperienced to settle down.  I decided ALL BY MYSELF that he should go back to Norway, and we split up.  I moved back in with my mum and step father, and am very glad that I did. 

  

My mum did the right thing by being supportive of my decisions, and showed unconditional love for me by not judging my actions.  I respect her for letting me decide my own fate. 

  

I am now 28, and my mum and I have a wonderful relationship, I know I can talk about anything with her.  She's one of the most important people in my life and I cherish every moment we spend together. 

  

Having said that, I don't know about that 17 year old who is interested in the guy in jail.  I remember how passionate things were for me at that age, and I remember feeling out of control emotionally, sort of 'unstoppable'.  That girl just needs her family to be supportive, and not push her away and forbid her from doing things.  She needs to know who she can turn to when things get tough, so be careful and don't let her down.  Her family needs to tell her that although they don't agree with the relationship, they'll support her what ever she decides to do. 

  

Remember:  the harder you push her, the more she will pull away.  Beware the teenager in love! 

  

well for the 17 year old girl who wants to date a 30 year old man. I was hanging out with these 25 year old guys and im 15 years old. I didnt go out with them, but my parents said i cant hang out with them anymore, and i havent hng out with them since. Because i agree my parents said all they want from a 15 year old girl... is not smething good. Which is so true, these guys cant get any one there own age so they go after younger girls. Its not worth it.

Alysia, for the love of all that is holy run away as fast as you can from this guy!!!!  

 

I work with familiesinvolved in the court system, I and I see every DAY young women who have ruined their lives because they hooked up with a "bad boy." Drugs, beatings, welfare, theft, diseases, cheating, multiple kids by different men, you name it. It is NOT romantic and NOT glamorous. He is manipulating you to make you feel special...that is how they run their game. I can't tell you how many times I have heard the "He is my soul mate...he writes me the sweetest letters" line through tears and panic!.These men purposely portray themselves as romantic victims of an unjust system because that's what they know the lonely, naive young woman wants to hear! 

  

If you are a nurturer, get a part-time job working in a childcare or elderly care facility. Channel it that way. This guy has nothing to offer you, and if you are the only positive thing in his life then you are setting yourself up for a sure future full of despair. Don't kid yourself by saying, "I'm different...it won't happen to me" because I promise it will. I worked with a woman last week who was still saying this to me, even though I was visiting her in the hospital when her soul mate broke her jaw, shattered her nose and cheekbone, and knocked out her teeth. They were planning to move back intogether, by the way, once he made bail and she was released! She was even upset that the state was pursuing criminal battery charges against him, saying, "Well...he had a right to be angry. I shouldn't have been out that late." Don't let this be you! 

  

 I went through my bad-boy stage too, back when I truthfully had low self-esteem, and thank G-d my parents kept their foot down about these guys.Once I got into college I was really able to see them for what they were! Now I am a professional and married to an awesome, gorgeous, successful man who has a great job, looks out for my best interest, and loves me deeply. Great guys ARE out there, and that's what you deserve!!! 

  

You seem like a bright, beautiful, sweet girl who has a lot of potential. You also have a mom who clearly loves you and is 100% looking out for your best interest. LISTEN TO HER!!!! She knows what she is talking about! 

There is no reason what so ever for a kid to be on the internet using chat rooms.  There is nothing positive that can come from that.  Their time needs to be spent on school.  If they need to chat it should be face to face where they can be held accountable.  People need to interact in person and not hide behind a computer or a telephone.   

Anonymous conversations are no way to connect to other human beings. 

I am a myspace user. I use it to reconnect with people that I graduated with, to stay in touch with friends who have moved away. 

  

There is a LOT of good that comes from my use of MySpace (and good that can come from it for teens, too). I keep an online blog, in which I talk about my day, vent frustration, post poetry, and keep people updated on my life in general. It's good for people to have a creative outlet, in which they can SHARE with others their thoughts and feelings and day to day activities. I can post up pictures of myself and my family, so that my sister in California can see the latest pictures of my kids, and so that my friends who are away can see them, too. If people want to use MySpace to meet people, online opens the entire world to people, offers them a chance to meet different kinds of people, ethnicities, values, beliefs, etc etc etc. As long as you are safe, and follow common sense, there is nothing wrong with online connections and chatting. 

  

That being said, Dr. Phil was wrong. You CAN control what others send to you. If you post a picture in which you are hanging out by the pool in your bathing suit with friends, and someone says, "You'd look better naked," as a comment to that picture, you can DELETE THAT COMMENT! All of the comments people leave TO YOU are under YOUR control. You can choose not to allow comments at all. You can set your profile to different levels of settings in which only certain people can contact you (bands cannot send me invites to their friends list, for example). You can set your search name, so that only people who you WANT to find you can find you. (I use my maiden name as part of my search name, so that people who went to school with me can find me.) 

  

Parents need to be actively involved in making sure that their children's online activities are as safe as possible. Ask, at random points in time, to see what pictures they have uploaded or what their profile says about them. Ask to see their friends list. Find out exactly where and how they know each person on that list, and double check it. If they say they know them from school, MOST schools have a webboard attached to MySpace (like a group chat) in which all students who have gone to that school, who choose to be part of that group, can be viewed. If they are't there, ask why. Make sure your child's age is the correct one. All too often, you see 12-14 year olds saying they are 16, 17, 18, or even as old as 20. And they look it!!! Make SURE that is not the case with your child.  

  

  

  

I have a lot to say about the girl who is dating the 30 year old man. My husbad and I are 7 years apart in age. He is 28 and I am 21. When we met, I was 17 and he was 24. The first thing we did was make sure that my parents met him, knew that he wasn't a cretin, and understood that we were in a relationship. I think that a 17 year old should not date a 30 year old. I don't think a 30 year old should date a 30 year old, when one has NO job, NO car, (I assme) NO education, a CHILD with a one night stand who he doesn't pay child support for (whether or not he "watches" his child is IRRELEVANT, as it is his JOB to spend time with HIS child and PAY for his child, too), and who has been in prison for both drugs and domestic violence. NO WAY! Men who are that much older then the girls they date are good at telling those girls exactly what they want to hear. They are good at manipulating and twisting the situation so that the girl falls "in love" with them and is SURE that they are loved in return. They USE the poor young girls until they are done with them, and then throw them away. Older men who date much much younger girls like the feeling of control and power that they have over young girls. The dynamic of power is SO skewed that is it sad and sick. They can mold you into whatever they want, in so many different ways and different aspects of your life, and then walk way when they're done. Sweetie, you need to RUN as fast and as far as you can from that guy. And now. My husband was not the first older man that I dated, but he was most certainly the only good one that I dated. 

  

That's all for now.  

This young woman needs attention. That could be the only reason for her to reach so very far away to find it. The failure of the parents in this childs life has led her astray from her self esteem. This 30 year old in prison is only the FIRST in a long line of mistakes a young woman of this circumstance, who is lost in the quest to find recognition, will have to endure. You cant teach a teenager anything these days. The real learning stops when they begin to walk and use the toilet intead of diapers.

I would say quite the contrary. This inmate is a very good looking fellow and Alysia is a very good looking young woman. He has a lot to offer!! Put the two together in a bowl..Alysia first of course...mix with a few hormones and need for attention on the receiving end. Maybe a few drops of your favorite alchohol for flavor.... Let the dough rise and there ya have it! a loaf .

I agree with everything you say, but this time I am confused.   You started out saying that you would put the computer in the trash and out of the house, and then said she should get a second chance with her mother monitoring everything.  I agreed with your original opinion.  I also would remove the computer or put parental locks on it.   I also would contact the jail and let them know he is using their computers to pray on teens.    Did I miss something in your switch of opinions?

Alysia, I am a 34 year old single mother. I once had the same outlook that you do. I wanted to take care of people, to help people, to make a difference. I've dated more dysfunctional men than I'd care to admit to. Everyone from a parapeligic to an abuser. I am writing to you about the abuser as he sounds like he could be the "soul brother" to your boyfriend. I met my daughter's father when I was 27 years old, he was 34. He was kind to me, held open doors, said all of the right things, held my hand, seemed to support me emotionally, he was my best friend. He had nothing of value, he had been in trouble in the past with drinking, drugs, domestic violence, the law... very much like your Jamie. We were together just under two years total. While we were together, he was in jail for a couple of months for a DUI. After we were together for almost a year, I became pregnant. Everything changed. I was "stupid" I "ruined" his life. He became verbally abusive (more so than before, looking back). When I first found out that I was pregnant, he tried to get his life "together", he got a job, started finally helping with some of the bills and not drinking so much. As the pregnancy wore on, he called in sick to work more and more, and was finally fired. He then drank every single day, often not coming home, not calling, getting mad at me if I called him. I completely supported this man financially. I took him money while he was in jail, I paid all the bills at home when he was out. He stole money from me (what little I had), he blamed me for taking money because I didn't give him enough! He also had children from a previous relationship. He never paid any child support for them. He went so far as to tell me that he was sending them money, but, I found out later that he used that money to drink, his kids never saw a dime. He blamed EVERYTHING on the mother of his other children, his drinking, his DUI's (I found out that he had SEVEN along with various assault charges). Soon, he started blaming ME for all of his problems and all of his poor decisions. When I was eight months pregnant, he physically abused me. That was finally the end for me, I could have lost the baby. I kicked him out. I found out after I kicked him out, that he had managed to get the bank to send another bankcard because he called and told them that I had lost mine! He called me every day after I kicked him out, several times a day, threatening to kill me, to kill the baby, to kill my parents... it was horrible. He finally gave up calling when my daughter was a few months old and quit calling all together. I have never received one penny in child support and I know I never will. I lost my job when my daughter was three years old, and have finally decided to finish my degree. I am now a full-time college student and a single mother really struggling to get by. I occasionally look up my ex online to see where he is (because I'm terrified that he will suddenly decide to find us), he is, once again, in jail for DUI/aggrivated assault. Please, look at the similarities between my ex and your boyfriend. GET OUT while you're still a WHOLE person. I was so torn apart after being with my ex that it has taken me years to become an almost whole person again. I don't date anymore out of fear. I don't want to end up with someone else like him ever again. I'll likely date again one day, but, not anytime soon. And when I DO start dating again, I KNOW what signs to look for in order to keep away from these kinds of men. It took me a year of counseling to even come close to the person that I was before I got involved with this man.  I now know that I cannot, and will not try to fix another person every again. They will only change if THEY choose to, it does not matter how much you love them or want them to change. It won't happen until THEY do the work to change, and, in my opinion, once they're in their late 20's or 30's, they're not likely to change at all. When I decided to finally finish my degree, I chose a field where I will be helping people, but, it will be helping people that WANT help, I will be a speech therapist when I'm finished. Channel your energy into improving YOUR life. Find out what YOU want and go out and achieve your goals and make your dreams happen. Let the men in your life figure out how to fix themselves, you can't do it for them. Believe me, I tried, with more than one man... Stay safe, step back and look at the patterns in your boyfriend's life, they do repeat, and love will NOT change that pattern. I used to believe that love changed all and saved all - it doesn't, not when the person who needs help sees no problems with their own behavior. And, just from what you said defending your boyfriend, he does not see his behavior as a problem and change will not happen - no matter how much and how completely you love him. Take care of YOU, and everything else will fall into place.

 Dear Alysia, When I was 17 years old I also got involved with a 30 year old man.  He lied to me and told me he was younger.  He was from another country so seemed very exciting to me.  He did not tell me he had a wife in his own country.  I wasted five of what should have been the best years of my life with this man.  He was unfaithful to me, beat me and treated me like dirt.  Of course, he didn't act like this at first.  OH NO!!!  He was the sweetest thing in the world until he knew he had me hooked.  Then the abuse started.  My mother tried to break us up at first and threatened to tell the police, but she was afraid I would hate her if she did it.  I WISH SHE HAD!!!  I ended up jumping off a balcony to get away from him when he was beating me and have now been disabled for nearly 30 years!!!   Ask yourself why you are willing to settle for so little!!  He has nothing to offer you.  I would be willing to guess that your dad was not involved in your life and you are seeking a father figure to take care of you.   But obviously this guy is not the one!!  Please break up with him and get into some counseling to understand yourself better.   You are a beautiful girl and you deserve better!!!   Get a good education and make a good life for yourself without a man, and believe me God will show you at the right time the right man for you.  Start reading your Bible too.  God will give you joy and peace.    Stephs mom