Quote From: momof735I am a 45 yr old mother of 7, 2 yrs ago I had a stroke and massive heart attack, I flatlined twice, and had to have 2 stents put into my heart. A year later after lots of illnesses and problems with my heart and another heart attack, i had to have open heart surgery done. They did a quadruple by-pass. I have changed alot since then, I no longer enjoy the same things that I did, I find myself afraid to go places by myself, because I think people are looking at me knowing what has all happened, and are either waiting for it to happen again, or thinking "poor her". I am afraid that I might have another heart attack while I am out alone and no one will know what to do. I used to be the first person to smile and say hello to others, now I am afraid of them. What do I do,is this normal????
Actually though to you right now 2 years seems like an eternity, it is actually not that long since your illness first started. I went through not heart issues but a major accident that completely changed my life 8 1/2 years ago. I think that having this sudden change that I couldn't control made me grieve for the life I used to have. I think there were various stages to it also. There was fear, there was sadness and there was anger.
It sounds like this is something like what's happening to you and I know there are Psychologists who specialize in health issues. I had one and he really helped me through the times of adjustment. There may even be one who specializes in cardiac issues such as yours. If you can't afford to see a therapist, maybe you can look for a chat room where you can share experiences with people who have had similar things happen. It may help.
As to the fear of being out alone, make sure you have a cell phone and a medic alert bracelet which clearly states your medical issues on it. This way if there ever is a problem it can be referred to. I also agree that one gets tired of people looking at one and thinking "that poor woman." If you are like me, you just don't want their pity. But as you know, going back to the way things were is not an option. You have to move forward somehow. And unfortunately you are going to learn very quickly which friends- and family members- truly care for you. The ones who do will be there for you always and the rest will just quietly drift away.
Also, though, why are you so sure that people can read in you what has happened? Are your scars visible with your clothes on? Or is this just because you have lost confidence? I really wish I could tell you there's a quick fix, but there just isn't. It is going to take time and work on your part. But I am sure you will get your confidence back if you want to work at it.
Hope you are blessed,
SB
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