Topic : 01/26 Shopping Intervention: The Aftermath

I have a husband just like Micheal.  We are currently separated.  I left before christmas because things keep escalating.  I won't go into details.  Ihave four kids ages 12 down to 4 and when their dad starts yelling and cussing they run.....it is horrible to watch.  My husband thinks I also spend all his money....We have about 6000.00 in credit card dept.  I have spent money on fixing our house and as long as it is something he wants then it is okay.  If it is something I want then we don't need it.  Although, he has spent alot of money on attorneys for speeding tickets and boys toys.  I understand he makes the money and should have a say in how it is spent, but I shouldn't have to beg and plead for everything either.  Our fights are arround many issues though not just money, but alot of times there isn't even a fight and he explodes.  He pushed my son and I around about a year ago and then I left for a week, but he too blames everyone else for problems.  Some one is always out to get him or ruin him.  Now while trying to fix our marriage while separated, although I am the only one getting couseling, he is hanging out with another single mom who was a friend of ours.  The anger is my main issue with him although there are others.  It is terrible to live in a house when you don't know when the bomb will go off and how bad it will be. 

Possibly the question to ask.........the question that would cause folks to seek answers........should be .......NOT ........WHY DID YOU THE WOMAN STAY THERE WITH YOUR CHILDREN?..........the question to ask ............SHOULD ONLY BE........... 

  

  

WHY DO MEN, ABUSE, TERRORIZE AND MISTREAT THEIR WIFE, THEIR PARTNER, AND THEIR CHILDREN. 

  

Put the blame where it should be. 

  

Then and only then will ABUSE AND VIOLENCE TOWARD WOMEN AND CHILDREN STOP. 

I can see that there is a ripple affect to this family of five.  Help is offered for them, I just hope that they accept it and actually be 'true' to themselves and 'face' the situations at face value.  Yes, it may hurt and pain may occur due to many years of verbal abuse and years of negative reactions i.e. shopping, dropping out of school can be weeded out.  Yes this family is intelligent and there is Good there, success will prevail. 

As the Medical Dr. he's in control and able to work with lives on the outside as they say he's great with people but when it becomes a 'familiar setting' and he feels his life and family are not as in his 'mind's eye' are where they are considered 'acceptable models' then thats when 'the verbal abuse' kicks in.  I know, I've been there and still dealing with some hidden traits, being the only child, latchkey kid, a father who had drank and a mother who feels intimidated by a control issue w/dad it is not an easy path.  Sadly my dad passed.  But my mom is around and I am learning day by day and to cherish moments that I do have with the remaining parent. 

My father was like the dad on the show today.  He was a 'man's man' and couldn't handle his own emotions so every emotion came out as ANGER.  My oldest brother was a quiet, sensitive kid.  My dad tried to berate him into a 'man's man'.  All my dad's anger was directed toward my brother.  None of us had the power to stop this.  My brother turned to a life of alcoholism and prescription drugs to cure his anxiety and depression.  This escalated to the point that he took his own life in December 2005.  I hope this man gets his rage under control before his family has to suffer through what we have the last month.  Once that happens, there is NO going back for anyone.  I hope they all get the help they need.

I don't understand why women stay with abusive men either - especially when there are children involved.  I also don't understand why some men feel the need to be this way.  I say get some help and separate until you can get yourself (Michael) under control.  There is always hope, but you should never leave your children or yourself in danger!

Simple fact is that Brigitte has too much time on her hands. It's no wonder Michael takes his anger out on her. Poor guy is working his ass off while she's out shopping and living it up. And then for her to complain about not getting enough sex.....that's rediculous. I can see that Michael would be too tired because of all the hours he works. Maybe if she got a job and paid some of HER OWN shopping bills Michael wouldn't have to work so much. Then maybe his stress level would be diminish. Ergo, he would be a more pleasant person to live with. I understand what it's like to live with a person under extreme stress. When I lived with my parents my mother was under tons of stress. She was the only caregiver of my Grandmother and Grandfather. Among many other things, she made sure they got to their Dr. appts., got their meds and cooked every meal for them. Not to go on forever about this, but my mother took alot of her stress out on us. We, who are/were the victims of this displaced anger need to mentally remove ourselves from the situation for a moment and put ourselves in that persons shoes. That's what I did with my mother and I'll tell you, my level of respect for her went through the roof. I admire her strength for making it through those very tough times. And I understand why my dad and I were her displaced anger targets. Naturally, I didn't like it, but I understand now. I side with Michael on this one Dr. Phil!!!!! His family needs to step into his skin for a day and maybe they'd understand.

 That because your husband is a doctor, doesn't mean he has to work until his bottom off for your addiction.......JUST GET A JOB! you will understand how hard it is to make money, even only in a week!!!!! I guarantee you will feel ashame of your self! , get your self some education, make your own money, then.......try go shopping with your own paychek, See how you feel to spend your own money, specially $7000/week?????????????

yelling and cussing......emotional and verbal abuse. 

  

saying "his" money.......its a joint effort is it not.....or it should be.   Financial abuse. 

  

  

Neglecting your house, and not taking care of things......a passive aggressive abuse. 

  

  

He makes decisions about the spending and $$$.......male privilege.....doesn't allow or accept your input.  

  

  

He is abusive. 

  

He is  physically abusive toward you and your children. 

  

Blames everyone else.  Typical of Abusers. 

  

I'm thankful you are getting counseling for YOURSELF.   Good for you. 

  

Any other counseling will not work.......marriage counseling does not work with abusers.....in fact the abuser usually punishes his partner for giving details to the counselor. 

  

If you would like some support and resources.......and detailed information on Abuse, Power and Control..............there is an abuse message board here on Dr. Phil's site..............listed under RELATIONSHIPS/SEX..........then under  MARRIAGE .........then ABUSE. 

  

Folks there can offer help, resources.....support and or just a place to vent. 

  

  

Hope you will drop by.  

Michael, 

I grew up all my life wondering what type of day it might be in the morning when I woke.  It all depended on my mothers moods.   You sound far worse than she was.  I was the stupid kid that couldn't do much right.  Etc. Etc.  I am 46 now and made peace with it.  I've even learned I can be pretty smart.  She is not a horrible person, but somewhere along the line she allowed her problems to ruin her parenting and make my life worse than it needed to be.  Childhood is hard enough without a place to go where you feel good about yourself.  I was able to see that I was hopeless until I got away from her and left at 18.  I overcame what I was labled.  I used to tell myself as a child that "when I was a parent I would never say the things to my child that she did.  My child would not live their life in fear of me.  If my child was crying in bed at night I would go to my child and tell her I loved her and did not want to see her hurting"  I am happy to say I broke the chain. I may have other areas I could stand to fix, but I am an extreemly supportive and loving parent and I know in my gut my daughter will have more to leave home with than I did.  My mother?  I suspect she passed on what she got from her own mother.  I never found that much of an excuse though.   

  

The next time you tell your child to put a gun in her mouth she might.  You never react to this sort of thing with challenges.  She is begging for you to give a damn.  I would imagine the fact that they have not graduated from High School could have something to do with the fact they're convinced they're loosers thanks to your input.  Your children will never fly without your support.  They feel as though you absolutely do not love them.  IF you did you would not be this way to them.  This is ALL your problem.  At this point you sound so bad I am not sure if it wouldn't be best if you left the home. 

You do not come across as a totally horrible person.  The fact you exposed this on national TV says something for your character.  At this point you are totally failing as a father and I hope you can fix this. 

I am curious where this family is from. The mother has a distinct accent that sounds very Louisiana/New Orleans/Cajun. Just curious about that...

I also found it weird that the kids had to sit there and listen to their parents' sexual and marriage problems rather than coming in later to talk about their father. I don't think kids need to be a part of their parents' marriage problems.

I believe that many highly intelligent and educated, professional people, such as Michael, have a very difficult time expressing emotions and feelings in a proper way. There is NO excuse for his behavior, but I have observed that some people like this feel superior to everyone and above "regular" people. I have no idea how they get past this, but I certainly hope he gets help. This whole family is a train wreck, I can't believe they've lasted this long.