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Topic : 01/26 Shopping Intervention: The Aftermath

Number of Replies: 132
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, January 20, 2006, 03:12:25 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

You've heard the saying "When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping." But what happens when you're $80,000 in debt and still spending $7,000 a week? When Michael and Bridgette were last on the show, her shopping was an addiction that was destroying their family. Dr. Phil discovered that her excessive spending was just a symptom of a serious problem. Bridgette confessed that she was in a loveless, sexless marriage with a rage-a-holic whose anger affected the entire family. Can Michael get his rage under control and stop passing his anger onto their three children? And can this family in crisis be saved? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

 

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January 26, 2006, 3:27 pm CST

Really sad

This family should listen to Dr. Phil. Because they really need help. I could see the hurt in the whole family.
 
January 26, 2006, 3:40 pm CST

is this normal?

OK, I'm referencing the show from the day before with this one, but I have my own anger concern. My own worst problem is anger. All the time? No. But when I get triggered, I cannot stop.  

I think anger is the thing that surprised me most when I started staying home with my kids. I had always worked. At home everything was out of control and sometimes I was too, lashing out at my twins. Everything out of control means I discovered that I can't keep house. I had no idea - I never fail at anything. But I couldn't get on top of it and my husband didn't like it either. 

Oh, always the overachiever, I got a book on anger management.So I understood it more, but never really solved it. I tried to talk to my husband about it and he always brushed it off, like he didn't think it was an issue. 

OK. Well.  

Then two and 3/4 years ago my husband died suddenly. I knew my anger was bad enough during my early grief that I quickly got on anti-anxiety and anti-depressant drugs. Because for sure I was lashing out at my kids and it for sure wasn't their fault. For the past year I've been through counseling, that I still attend once a month or so. But I still have anger outbursts: yelling, sometimes a little worse like giving more than one hard swat (never more than 3) or pushing the child down or hitting on the top of the head - but that is really rare. I hate it though. I know I'm too angry when the yelling makes the child or children cry. I know a lot of it is just frustration with my life, even though there are a lot of positives.  

OK. I'm posting this and even though I'd like to think that I'm done with counseling, I really need to go back and speak more specifically about the anger. I guess speaking about it scares me. Also I keep saying to myself, what if they figure out that my anger is really within the norm of angry outbursts, it's just me holding myself to a higher standard. I could have kept the problem hidden. Well, I guess that's a stupid way of looking at it.  

But the program on "is this normal" followed by the program on the effect of a dad's anger on his family makes me know that I can't be satisfied by simply thinking that everyone gets angry and I'm probably OK. If it's bothering me, I need to look into it. 

Thanks for this forum and letting me air out my concerns about this. I will figure it out. My kids are worth it. 

 
January 26, 2006, 3:44 pm CST

I feel for the wife and kids

Today, I was watching the show. My husband is just like this man. However, he never everhas  hit the kids. He has thrown things at me  and has shoved me in the pass. It seems that me and the kids are always walking on eggshells. We never know what may cause him to go into a rage. I talk to my preacher's wife and others and am told to just pray for my husband. I strongly feel divorce has a sin..i do notwant to be attack on this issue. This is just my religious belief and has nothing to do what others believe...I am just  tire of living like this... 

 
January 26, 2006, 3:49 pm CST

I have lived in Mikes shoes

I am A 26 year old woman, who lives with depression, i was diagnosed after my son was born, I was a mean, mean person, I would say things that I knew would bite into the people around me, after i said it i couldn't believe it came out of my mouth!! but i was so enraged that, that was the way i expressed myself, i am a horrible person when i'm not on my medication, as of right now i'm in my first trimester and my doctor wants me to stay off the antidepressents until i get into my 2nd trimester, and i am struggling to hold it together. And i hate this feeling. and I find i'm fine with people i don't really know, but when it comes to my family i am horrible. The ones that mean the most to me suffer. I am on celexa and on a low dose, but without it i am a MONSTER, I may be pregnant, but i can feel that "ball "welling up and getting bigger and bigger and from experience i know i am ready to explode. so i am "sucking it up " for another 2weeks and i am very lucky to have such an understanding family.  I am no Doctor, but i was that person. and I hope that for Mike and his familys sake that this can be adjusted with medication, I know there is such a stigma with "depression " but i am a normal, level person. who can think before i speak. and I love my family and i can show them that when i'm on my meds.  No amount of therapy could have helped me or trained me to be "nicer " it was an imbalance in my brain, that needed some adjusting. MIKE YOU DON'T NEED TO LIVE LIKE THIS.
 
January 26, 2006, 3:51 pm CST

I'm there to

Quote From: lemondrop

yelling and cussing......emotional and verbal abuse. 

  

saying "his" money.......its a joint effort is it not.....or it should be.   Financial abuse. 

  

  

Neglecting your house, and not taking care of things......a passive aggressive abuse. 

  

  

He makes decisions about the spending and $$$.......male privilege.....doesn't allow or accept your input.  

  

  

He is abusive. 

  

He is  physically abusive toward you and your children. 

  

Blames everyone else.  Typical of Abusers. 

  

I'm thankful you are getting counseling for YOURSELF.   Good for you. 

  

Any other counseling will not work.......marriage counseling does not work with abusers.....in fact the abuser usually punishes his partner for giving details to the counselor. 

  

If you would like some support and resources.......and detailed information on Abuse, Power and Control..............there is an abuse message board here on Dr. Phil's site..............listed under RELATIONSHIPS/SEX..........then under  MARRIAGE .........then ABUSE. 

  

Folks there can offer help, resources.....support and or just a place to vent. 

  

  

Hope you will drop by.  

My husband & I have been married 7 years.  His Anger started not long after we were married.  He truly doesn't direct his anger at me or our two children but he does have an anger issue.  Little things will set him off and he starts yelling, cursing and throwing things.  He uses profanity and well, I'm usually in the room when he starts yelling.  If I get upset or ask him not to curse, he gets even more upset.  He tell me that he is not cursing me, he is just cursing and I shouldn't take it personally but how else can I feel when I'm the only other person in the room.  He has only been physical with me one time and he didn't hit me he just held me down to keep me from leaving when we were having a heated discussion (who am I kidding a major fight).  I told him if he ever did that again when I did get free I would call the police.  My husband is also a different person in front of coworkers and friends.  Everyone tells me how lucky I am to have him.  He also controls the finances.  I have to answer for every penny I spend.  When I confront him about it he says that he his to watch our budget.  Every time I have gotten a job he is content for a while then he starts giving me grief about my hours, that he wants me home so he can "see me, spend time with me" When I quit this time I told him I would not go back  to work again not to ask, unless I wanted to go back to work part time for extra money and he would not be able to count it toward bills. I could go on for hours.  I saw so much of myself in Bridgette.  I shop too,  I feel good while I'm doing it but then as soon as I get home I feel guilty and I know that I'll either have to tell him about the money I've spent and be made to feel like a child or I will have to figure out a way to hide the amount of money I've spent (never more than 20 or 30 dollars at a time).  I just pray for strength and guidance.
 
January 26, 2006, 3:54 pm CST

Please continue to get counseling

Quote From: pjlm818

OK, I'm referencing the show from the day before with this one, but I have my own anger concern. My own worst problem is anger. All the time? No. But when I get triggered, I cannot stop.  

I think anger is the thing that surprised me most when I started staying home with my kids. I had always worked. At home everything was out of control and sometimes I was too, lashing out at my twins. Everything out of control means I discovered that I can't keep house. I had no idea - I never fail at anything. But I couldn't get on top of it and my husband didn't like it either. 

Oh, always the overachiever, I got a book on anger management.So I understood it more, but never really solved it. I tried to talk to my husband about it and he always brushed it off, like he didn't think it was an issue. 

OK. Well.  

Then two and 3/4 years ago my husband died suddenly. I knew my anger was bad enough during my early grief that I quickly got on anti-anxiety and anti-depressant drugs. Because for sure I was lashing out at my kids and it for sure wasn't their fault. For the past year I've been through counseling, that I still attend once a month or so. But I still have anger outbursts: yelling, sometimes a little worse like giving more than one hard swat (never more than 3) or pushing the child down or hitting on the top of the head - but that is really rare. I hate it though. I know I'm too angry when the yelling makes the child or children cry. I know a lot of it is just frustration with my life, even though there are a lot of positives.  

OK. I'm posting this and even though I'd like to think that I'm done with counseling, I really need to go back and speak more specifically about the anger. I guess speaking about it scares me. Also I keep saying to myself, what if they figure out that my anger is really within the norm of angry outbursts, it's just me holding myself to a higher standard. I could have kept the problem hidden. Well, I guess that's a stupid way of looking at it.  

But the program on "is this normal" followed by the program on the effect of a dad's anger on his family makes me know that I can't be satisfied by simply thinking that everyone gets angry and I'm probably OK. If it's bothering me, I need to look into it. 

Thanks for this forum and letting me air out my concerns about this. I will figure it out. My kids are worth it. 

You're dealing with a lot right now.  

 
January 26, 2006, 3:59 pm CST

concerned

I know this family is going through a lot with having a hateful father and a mother who has lost her self esteem. But, to tell the children that the problem of their father yelling at them has nothing to do with them is an outright lie. It has everything to do with them because of this these children have been damaged in ways that the evidence of some of this samage may not surface for years to come.  

Also, if this problem had ever been reported to the local authorities you would be looking at a family that would be missing a father due to his confinement in a local jail because what he has done is illegal and should still be prosecuted. Also, the father might have even lost his right to practice medicine, especially on children, due to his behavior. I do hope that the father realizes that he is fully responsible for the choices he has made concerning his family. I do fully hope that this family will get the counseling they need to solve their problems and this is going to take a long time. Maybe this family does need to separate or even divorce but whatever it takes they need to correct the damage that has been done. Sincerely concerned, From Tracy T. 

 
January 26, 2006, 4:07 pm CST

You can change no matter your age...

 I was raised by a mother that was an alcoholic and a rage-aholic father.  Life was hell.  When I became a young woman I too had a rage problem; I knew no different.  When I became aware of my rage issue, I went to a psychiatrist for behavior modification.  It took a while but I got my rage under control.  Now I am 50 and still trying to get in touch with my emotions.  You see, as a young person I was mentally and emotionally abused by my parents and now have difficulty facing the  public at large - I am fearful.  I know in time this too shall pass.

The reason  I write all this is to let the rage-aholics know they can change their lives.  And to tell their children you can't get therapy soon enough!  Because you will suffer fall-out.  Sooner or later - you will!   My parents have 3 children and each of us are currently in therapy; we are all bipolar and trying to work through our problems.   Good Luck and God Bless!
 
January 26, 2006, 4:13 pm CST

01/26 Shopping Intervention: The Aftermath

Quote From: cindyrenea

My husband & I have been married 7 years.  His Anger started not long after we were married.  He truly doesn't direct his anger at me or our two children but he does have an anger issue.  Little things will set him off and he starts yelling, cursing and throwing things.  He uses profanity and well, I'm usually in the room when he starts yelling.  If I get upset or ask him not to curse, he gets even more upset.  He tell me that he is not cursing me, he is just cursing and I shouldn't take it personally but how else can I feel when I'm the only other person in the room.  He has only been physical with me one time and he didn't hit me he just held me down to keep me from leaving when we were having a heated discussion (who am I kidding a major fight).  I told him if he ever did that again when I did get free I would call the police.  My husband is also a different person in front of coworkers and friends.  Everyone tells me how lucky I am to have him.  He also controls the finances.  I have to answer for every penny I spend.  When I confront him about it he says that he his to watch our budget.  Every time I have gotten a job he is content for a while then he starts giving me grief about my hours, that he wants me home so he can "see me, spend time with me" When I quit this time I told him I would not go back  to work again not to ask, unless I wanted to go back to work part time for extra money and he would not be able to count it toward bills. I could go on for hours.  I saw so much of myself in Bridgette.  I shop too,  I feel good while I'm doing it but then as soon as I get home I feel guilty and I know that I'll either have to tell him about the money I've spent and be made to feel like a child or I will have to figure out a way to hide the amount of money I've spent (never more than 20 or 30 dollars at a time).  I just pray for strength and guidance.
 If he "held you down" he'll do it again or hit you.  I hope you can get up to call the police!  Your husband is a control  freak!  I was raised by one and know how to spot one.  Best of luck!
 
January 26, 2006, 4:14 pm CST

same problem

I really need help im going crazy Dr.phil my husband a buse me verbal every day we see each other only 15-20 minutes a day because he works nights and i work day..my child act the same way they both don,t have any respect for me atall i want to leave them both a had enough of the abuse its makes aleast 5years i,m dying inside i,m not worth anything anymore i,m leaving bit by bit inside of me .. sorry i know u have enough of eveyone problems  you don,t need another if you could do any thing for iwill be very happy if only i could live  in my own house with out him anymore will be a big plus for me..ownig this house is everything for me because  the apparment are more expensive then  my house so i would like to keep my house for me the kid...
 
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