Topic : 01/26 Shopping Intervention: The Aftermath

We've been through the same thing in some ways.  Financially, not close...check those ceilings during the show!  However, the message is the same.  Dads, make your woman the most precious thing you live for (aside from your own spiritual being) and your children will grow up with the values they need.  Moms, cherish your man...you'll be with him long after your children leave you to establish their own lives.  Understand it is your children's TASK to seperate from you when they approach puberty...LET THEM!!!!!  It's hard...it's life.   

My daughter was killed when she was 21...cell phone while driving issue.  It was a clear night, everyone had their seatbelts on, and there was no alcohol involved.  I've spoken in Washington, DC since then with the perspective that we need education and research on the issue.  My greatest fear at the time was that we may divorce (stats demonstrated such).  I learned, deeper than being a nurse, how to adjust to life events!  I have an alturistic view now. 

Money has to do with how we can help others.  Our time is MORE valuable.  Use it wisely...VOLUNTEER in your community!  Make a difference  ~Joyce 

Some women stay because of religious reasons......and in fact the pastors, ministers, priests.....counsel the women to go home.......and stay. 

Some religions do not accept divorce and its drilled into the woman's head that they are in the wrong if they divorce. 

Some stay out of fear. 

Fear of being on their own with children. 

Fear of being stalked or killed. 

Some stay because they have been manipulated into giving up their jobs or careers by the abusive men......they have no $$$ or education to set out with the children to provide. 

Some stay because of the low self esteem that they end up with .....having their spirit broken.....and they are emotionally and physically exhausted  from the abuse.........a learned helplessness. 

Some stay because they have no where to go. 

Some stay because as a result of the abusive man's isolation of the women......there is no support system......no family, friends, or help.  

Many and most women have been conditioned by society and the way that little girls and women are raised to  try to fix things, try to make it work......try to change things. 

Women cling to "HOPE" that continual "HOPE" that is promised by the man that both the women and children have invested their time, love and family in. 

BRAINWASHING. 

Her image of herself has been virtually destroyed. 

Now with me, my husband ahs made ne feel so worthless. I feel that I could never get a job  to make enough money to support myself or the kids. My husband makes very good money. My children have oppourtunities that they woul not have if I was divorce raising the kids on my own.  

My preacher and other church leaders has told me to stay and pray for my husband. i have been taught that divorce is sin. Plus, I have been taught that women are to be summissive. which means that a wife is to obey their husband. The last is that I love my husband very much. 

are living with abuse in your house. 

His throwing things at you is physical abuse. 

His shoving you is also physical abuse. 

Walking on eggshells......thinking you're avoiding his wrath.....first........ nothing like that will stop his behavior.........and second ........the fact that you all live like that is emotional and psychological abuse. 

His rage will come and go in cycles........its called the cycle of abuse..........first the tension building stage.........then the abuse.........then the calm.....or honeymoon period, the Dr. Jekyll phase.....Mr. nice......the I'm sorrys.  Then back around again......over and over again.......the time  between cycles will vary. 

Praying for your husband will NOT stop his choices or behaviors........he will continue the abuse.....ONLY HE CAN STOP IT..........unfortunately they  rarely do change.......rarely do they change.  This will continue and it will escalate..........abuse always does.    As the years progress, his episodes will come closer and closer together.      

Many Battered and Abused women stay with their Abusers because of religious reasons.......I as a Catholic was told that divorce was a sin.........divorce was wrong............well.........my religion was WRONG............ABUSE was wrong...........ABUSE is a deal breaker........you will waste years  of your life and your children's life........in  this ABUSE. 

You will go on being tired..........you will get more tired as the years pass. 

What is this doing to your children? 

Take care of yourself......and your children. 

Educate yourself on the dynamics and tactics of ABUSE. 

There is a support system here on Dr. Phil's site...........a message board for Abused people. 

Its listed under RELATIONSHIPS/SEX.............then MARRIAGE.............then .....ABUSE.   

Thats where you will find some support, resources and educational information to help.  

I remember going to chapel after work............and kneeling and praying......asking the Lord to help my husband.............I thought I was doing all the right things..................little did I realize that I should have been praying for myself. 

Many religions and pastors, priests,  counsel women to go home and pray............that changes nothing. 

Clinging to that "HOPE" will keep you stuck. 

Take care. 

There are many reasons I stayed in this relationship.  My main concern was for my children's welfare. Their father could have provided for them much better than I could but I was not about to leave them in his care for any reason because of his impatience and temper with them.  I did work part-time when they were older, I babysat, sold Tupperware, worked in a fabric shop, worked at the school they attended, worked in a store - but none of them paid enough for me to pay for daycare.  My mother was very much like my husband, a control freak - I guess I figured that was the way most marriages were because I was used to it.  Fortunately, I had a father who loved me and showed me that there were kind people in the world.  I could never please my mother or my husband - I was never good enough.  And I truly thought things would get better.  Yes, that was very naive on my part, but I kept hoping.  I wasn't married very long when my husband turned into a tyrant and control freak.  Because I loved him I more or less accepted his behavior.  As my children grew, I was the buffer between them and him - the peacekeeper.  I don't really agree that because a child is abused he/she will turn into an abuser IF that child makes an effort to be a better parent when he/she becomes one.  Maybe it's because I had a better temperment  - my children have told me many times I've been a great mom and they are thankful that I was there for them.  Don't get me wrong, it's not like I was abused all the time - we did have good times too.  I did have therapy after he passed away to deal with my anger and my therapist thought my husband might have been bi-polar.  He was never on an even line - he was either way up or way down and could change in a moment - that kind of person is very difficult to live with.   

I am living a fulfilled life now. I own my own business, make all my own decisions right or wrong and love the feeling of freedom.  A few months after my husband passed away, my daughter told me she hoped I'd never marry again because she knew how unhappy I was and she didn't want anyone taking my freedom and happiness away .  I'm sure not all marriages are like mine was but I have absolutely no desire to go down that road again.  There are worse things than not being married!!!!  I truly hope Michael and Bridgette work out their differences.  If not, they would be better off divorced.  I worry about their children.  No one should ever talk to their children like Michael does.  His behavior towards them is shameful and disgusting.  He needs to clean up his act.  Bridgette needs to get her own life and so something constructive and meaningful to her.  I hope the family gets into therapy together and can resolve these issues. 

Probably you do NOT want this dialog with me........and if so......I won't post to you again......I have already posted a long post to you prior to this one here......maybe you will read that one first. 

Now for this post.......YOU SAY YOUR HUSBAND HAS MADE YOU FEEL WORTHLESS,  well, I say.....that he did that intentionally.......to break your spirit.......its a way to CONTROL you, that kind of abuse is systematic.....to keep you down. 

You will stay because you don't feel you are worth leaving. 

Your self esteem has been attacked and lowered. 

You don't think you are capable to take care of yourself and your children $$$$ .....financially, of course you are forgetting that husband would be responsible for child support and possibly alimony....and or you are entitled to 1/2 at least of the assets.....pensions, 401K, savings, stock, bonds....etc.........real estate, etc.    

Your children do have opportunities.......there..........but they also have heartache, and abuse.  

Many religions teach submissiveness to the women.........and this relationship of subservience, contributes to the problem of Domestic Violence in our society.   It says that that society or group of people insure or condone the use of abuse to keep a woman or child in line......under the mans thumb. 

Frankly, with a clear head......my thinking says that any religion that ensures a lack of equality and lack of mutual respect.......quite frankly is not looking out for women and children.  

As a woman........I thought we walked and demanded our way out of suffrage years ago.    I vote, don't you?      Shouldn't we be allowed a say or a vote in our own home? 

I realize you love your husband.......you took your marriage vows seriously...........however......is your husband upholding his marriage vows............when there is no love, honor and respect on his part. 

Many Battered and Abused women............say, "but I love him."        And that too, changes nothing. 

Just some of my thoughts. 

ABUSE OF ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, LOVED ONES AND CHILDREN............IS THE REAL SIN. 

can offer support and some educational  resources.....here on Dr. Phil's web site.........look under RELATIONSHIPS/SEX............then  MARRIAGE...........then ABUSE. 

You are NOT crazy................the abuse is crazy making........he is tearing you down. 

Its so sad that your child is now acting like your husband........that should stop. 

I can tell you .......YOU ARE WORTHY..........YOU DESERVE RESPECT........YOU ARE A CAPABLE WOMAN.............YOU ARE NOT CRAZY..........YOU ARE INTELLIGENT AND YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS THAT IS GOING ON.  

I see from your post that you want Dr. Phil to help you..........if thats your wish......possibly you could write to him directly...........Look at the top of his web page....in the brown border.....CONTACT DR. PHIL.......click on that and find the form to write to Dr. Phil............he may see it sooner than on the boards............I know of folks that have written him........several times.........sooner or later, who knows ..........you may get lucky and he will see and hear your plea. 

I do think......posting on the message boards is helpful ,too. 

In the meantime........there is support and some resources and answers on the Abuse message board.......if you so desire ..........you might like to post there, too. 

Take care.......remain strong. 

I'll look for your post on the Abuse Message Board. 

Take care. 

I am reading so much of my own story in these e-mails! My husband and I were married for almost 25 years. Our first few years were wonderful, and then things changed. I won't go into all the details--but basically, he became very verbally abusive, mostly to me, and not the kids. But, they suffered plenty by what they heard and saw.  We have 2 beautiful daughters. I was afraid to leave for financial reason, even though his frequent job changes had driven us into a hole. I could never do anything right---I kept thinking, "If only I clean the house more, cook better, etc., he will love me more because he will realize what a good wife I am." He picked up and left on several occasions. I made up my mind to get a job with health insurance for me and the girls---he wasn't providing. After numerous times of him leaving in a rage (one was on my daughter's 13th birthday, and he ruined many holidays), coming home and apologizing, promising to get help, and then going right back to the way he had been-----I gave him an ultimatum. Either we get professional counseling, or I would file for divorce. He at first said "Yes" to the counseling, then said "No" after we got there. So, I filed for divorce as I said I would. He actually thought that I would just agree to be separated (which gave him access to our jointly owned home, and to me and the kids), but I wasn't going to allow that. My divorce was finalized almost 1 1/2 years ago, and I have never regretted it. My daughters have some issues with relationships, but are getting through it. They had begged me to never take him back, and I won't. He was recently diagnosed as bipolar, which answers a lot of questions, but it doesn't change what has happened. although he is now more like the person he was when we were married, I won't reconcile with him---he has stopped taking his meds too many times in the past----and I won't ever put myself in that position again. Now he wonders why his daughters don't have much time for him. He lives by himself and regrets so much, especially not getting help sooner. I'm not trying to diagnose anyone, and it's not an excuse to treat someone horribly, but it might be a reason. If someone refuses to get help, though, you need to do what is best for yourself and your family. They will thank you for it. I know there are so many women who suffer physical abuse and feel trapped. All I can say is to contact your local women's shelter---they can help you be safe and give you hope! My thanks to Dr. Phil for showing this story and exposing the root of what appeared to be one issue, but turned out to be so much more. My heart goes out to the children----they don't have the resources to leave.