Quote From: turtle7I have been reading these messages and I can not believe there are so many people who feel just like me. I am a 30 year old mother of 2 beautiful children, a 3 year old daughter and a 20 month old son. I have been married six years, and the last 2 have been miserable. When I met my husband I knew he was a recovering acholic (sorry not a good speller), but I believe people can change and I loved him so much. We had so much fun together, we were a good pair, and we had a connection I had never felt before. For the first 2 years of our marriage we lived in Austin while I finished college, and we both worked full time. When I graduated we both agreed to move to my hometown where I grew up to raise a family, his family is about 2 hours away from that. Things went so well at first, we got pregnant and had our daughter, lived in a beautiful apartment and got along great and he was a great dad. Then I told him I wanted another child and he stated he was not ready so we waited. When he finally told me he was ready it took awhile but then we got pregnant with our son. Before our son was born we moved into a home close to my parents and my brother and sister-in law. Here are where things started to go bad.
When we moved into our home my parents loaned us the down payment, and I did not know at the time how much credit card debit we had, and would not for quite a while. After my son was born, I felt that my husband has never stepped all the way up to the plate to be a dad like he did with our daughter. I do not know if he has ever given either of my children a bath (since my son was born) except for during my c-section and hysterectomy recovery, another words never willing. I do not know that he ever got up to feed my son in the middle of the night, like he did with my daughter. I dealt with this even though I know I felt he was not being the father he should. Then last July while on vacation my mother was served with papers, (she was watching my house) that I was being sued because he had not been paying our credit card bills. Now I finally find out how much financially trouble we are in, and we decide to file bankruptcy. Right around this time my husband starts to drink again. I just ignored it, although I should have known better. Also right around this time my husband's attitude becomes horrible. He is easily frustrated at me and the kids, he is always saying mean things to me (usually under his breath and he thinks I do not hear but sometimes where the kids and I can hear), he starts to be mean to my family, he stops going to church with us (or if he goes he acts and looks miserable the whole time), and he just wants to lay around on the couch when he gets home do nothing with kids and watch TV. He kept saying it was because of the stress we were under financially and I believed him and tried to do everything and make his life as easy as possible.
I guess I should have stated from the beginning I come from a happy home with two parents and a wonderful childhood. My husband came from a home where his dad was 25 years older than his mom, an alcoholic (went sober when he was about 8), verbally and physically abusive. His dad died when he was 18 and he still hates his dad, and is angry because he feels this way. Before we met he had not talked to his mother or two sisters in 3 years.
Well needless to say money situation did not get easier, the company I was working for went out of business, he was laid off and my husband kept getting worse. God was watching over us though and I found a new job not even two weeks later with more money, and his company re-hired him in a different position. So even though things were still not great they were improving. My mother watches my babies when I work, so my husband takes them and picks them up because it takes me 1 hour to get to work and it takes him 10 minutes. Now here we are the following May after I was sued and we filed bankruptcy and my parents are helping us to rebuild our savings by letting us save money for the next two months while they buy our groceries and our gas. I know it sounds to good to be true. But this whole time my husband continued to drink, and his attitude is horrendous.
I told my husband 4 weeks ago he either stop drinking or the kids and I are leaving (I know we could, it might be hard but I have a great family). He stopped drinking and for a week his attitude was much better, and he actually told me he loved me and we were intimate for the first time in 6-8 months. But then all the sudden his attitude has gotten horrible again. He repeatedly losses his patience with the children, and he leaves the room and say G__ D_____. He repeatedly yells over stupid things, like yesterday he called some women a C___ when she cut us off, my children were in the car ( I never want them to think this is an acceptable word and when I told him this he said I was just B____ing again). In church he said S___ when my niece sat by us (he gets very frustrated when they are around because they are sometimes very difficult). I tired to explain to him that is not something he should say, especially in front of my niece or our children. He proceeded to tell me he hated those children because they were rotten and a bad influence on our children and that when they outgrew this phase and started to act better he would be around them again. This is my niece and nephew and I love them very much and yes they are not perfect, but neither are my children and I told him someone that he had not right to judge children and how could he say such a thing and again he told me I was B___ing. I do not know what to do, he says that his attitude is this way because of stress and that he already stopped drinking what more do I want. But I told him I want the man I married and that I had this attitude and if he wanted to go to marriage counseling we would find a way to afford it, but if he did not change it was over. He proceeded to tell me it was me that he would change this to, but he is sure I would find something else to B___ about. I am afraid that this attitude of hating the world, thinking it is okay to be mean to other or even say mean things, not being able to interact well with other people, and just being able to have fun will effect my children and they will not become the wonderful people they can. My husband says I naive and everything isn't always that simple or wonderful, but I think we decide how our day is going to be and if we have a bad day at work leave it there and enjoy what time we have with the kids they are only little once. I know I have really rambled but I wanted everyone to get a full picture and see if anyone could help?
Here is an ex. of our day (just to show I am not really sure where all the stress is coming from)
6:00 am - I get up and get ready, fix his lunch (I have packed diaper bags the night before)
6:45 am - I get him up
7:00 am - I re-wake him up, and get my children both dressed
7:25 am - I put the kids in the car while he puts his shoes on
7:35 am - He takes the kids to my mom's house, drops them and their stuff off
7:35 am - I leave for work ( I sometime take my sister-in-law b/c there car is not always working)
8am - 5pm - We both work (He gets an hour lunch to eat the lunch I pack him)
I usually do not get a lunch because my boss and I worked out where I would work
through lunch since I am usually 30 minutes late because he says he can not get the
kids ready in the morning by himself and my mom does not want them before 7:30
5:15 pm - he picks up the children and brings them home
6:15 pm - I arrive home and usually he is on the couch my 3 year old is on the computer playing
Disney.com and my 20 month old is playing by himself in the play room.
6:30 pm - I start cooking dinner after hugging and kissing and talking to my children for about 15
7:15 pm - We eat dinner as a family, although my husband gets up as soon as his plate is empty
7:30 pm - I clear the dinner table, scrub the dishes, and talk to my children as they finish eating
8:00 pm - They are usually done eating dinner, so if we have no school the next day we go on a
short walk if there is school we get ready for bath.
8:30 pm - Bath time
8:50 pm - I put on the children's pajamas and struggle with them to get their teeth brushed
9:00 pm - I read my son 2 stories and sing to him while my daughter is suppose to be spending
time with dad, (most of the time he ignores her and she plays on the computer)
9:15 pm - I get my daughter from her activity and read her 2 stories and lay down with her
10:15 pm - Usually both kids are not asleep, I find my husband asleep on the couch and I do
chores (laundry, dusting, mopping, etc.)
I do not get what part of his day is stressful. I know he can be a good dad because sometimes he is wonderful with them. And I know he is a good person because I have seen it, I just do not know what happened or how to get him back.
I used to be you...
I used to take responsiblity for every aspect of our lives together. LItterally, all he had to do was get up and go to work... I took care of it all. I even joined a group to figure out how to manage my time better...I had a schedule around my husbands naps... I kid you not.. and he worked during the day... I got a job at night.. I worked at night, took care of our son during the day..and my son's father could not be bothered to get our son ready for school. I did it all from meals to car maintenance, I paid all the bills...wow.
I'll tell you what, the best thing I ever did was leave that Joke.. Truly. within a few months of my escape, he actually called me to tell him where the DMV was in his town... and I lived 125 miles away. I have to deal with him because of our son, but compared to the way my life USED to be.. just like yours... I wouldn't go back if you promised me the Lottery... No way.
Someone posted that you need to make him get himself out of bed, and make his own lunch... I am 100% behind that idea. You dont have 3 kids, you have 4... one of them is your husband.
Put some money away... I got really good at hiding it in books, and pockets of clothing... they spend it like water...and just know-- it only gets worse. By the time I was ready to leave, my ex was attacking our child, and could not even be bothered to feed him or put him to bed. I came home from patrol to find our then 3 year old son up at 4 am, (I was on a break, and I would go check on my kid ) to find him fully dressed eating hot dogs and watching cartoons. It was a mess.
Make a plan, get out...Save yourself and your children.
I am now in a new marriage, with 2 great kids,(we had a daughter) and my ex got himself a girlfriend who is a mental case. More power to him. I have 80/20 custody of my son-- and Im in school for a new career. Why, I have even been to the Grand Canyon... my life is full and happy now. It's much better on the other side of that fence... Let me tell you. They just get more hateful, and god forbid they figure out your plans to leave him. No one wins. Save your kids.
(Original Air Date: 01/30/06) When two people get married, they proclaim, "For better or worse," but what happens when the worse part is all there is? Chris and April got married six weeks after their first date. Three years later, Chris says he's trapped between his wife and his daughter from his first marriage. April feels trapped in a marriage with someone she didn't know well enough to begin with, who is not the parent she thought he would be. With constant fighting in front of the children and frequent separations, can they learn to find balance? Then, Lori says if she had the money she would take her kids and divorce Tom, her husband of 10 years, but since he controls all the finances, she has no money for an attorney. Lori has to ask him for money for everything -- including buying groceries and filling her car with gas. Can Tom learn to share the wealth and treat Lori like his wife, not his child? Talk about the show here.
