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June 15, 2006, 12:23 pm PDT
06/13 Trapped
Quote From: terrbinYou keep missing the boat here. Men's (or women's) monogamy is not about some immature and unattainable romantic ideal as you suggest. It's about mature behavior and commitment to a life outside of just considering one's impulses. You believe that because impulses may be "natural," that they are, by extension, impossible or too difficult to control, or just plainly the way we should accept that life should be. Hogwash. The "relationship" columns and boards are also filled with cheating WOMEN. But as I said before, you'll probably make something different of that since women's sexuality is still taboo. We'd much rather believe women want sex for some other reason and not just because women also have a libido.
Your belief that it is a "...naive and unrealistic notion that true love means that men can happily and healthily live with sex with only one woman their entire lives when the male of every other species is polygamous, with very few exceptions...." leaves me dizzy. I sound like a broken record when I insist that we are NOT "other" species. We are different from the rest of the animal world. We are human. We are different. We have a conscience. We have morality and a sense of right and wrong. (And as you admitted yourself, even in the animal world there are monogamous pairings -- humans are just one of them). Also, to suggest that the only men who are monogamous are so because they "truly fear the repercussions" is beyond absurd, and doesn't follow your own logic. Since when would "repercussions" be able to control the primal and overwhelming desire which YOU claim these men have and which is unchangeable? Some people (that includes men) are actually mature, committed, loving mates that deliberately avoid succumbing to sexual temptation for the sake of their loved one, because they deem the monogamous relationship they are in to be WORTH forsaking that desire. Maybe you just don't feel worthy of this, and you think that most men also don't feel that women are worthy of this kind of commitment. But know this, many men (more than a small minority) believe in the worth of their relationship and wouldn't risk it for base and short-lived moments of pleasure and excitement with another woman. They choose to find this pleasure and excitement with their monogamous partner instead, and gain much more than extra-marital affairs could ever hope to offer. This is a discipline and a sacrifice for both partners to accomplish -- not just the man -- and well worth the price. (And don't be so naive as to think everything doesn't have a "price".... Resist the temptation to use the price as a reason to be polygamous.) The point is to choose (and not believe that urges choose for you) the better of two options for everyone involved between monogamy and polygamy. If one wants only polygamy, then simply don't commit as a monogamous person. Say this up front and find a partner with the same philosophy. Simple.
You must have had some very disappointing experiences with men. That truly sucks if that's the case. I wouldn't wish betrayal on anyone. But know that your vision of monogamy simply isn't so. NO ONE IS HAPPY AND HEALTHY 100% OF THE TIME IN ANY RELATIONSHIP, REGARDLESS OF THE NATURE OF THE RELATIONSHIP. You claim that since men can't be happy in monogamy, (a point I don't agree with) that this supports (proves) that polygamy is then the natural way to go, and that women should simply accept this. (Again, I'll remind you that you are discounting many WOMEN'S needs and feelings by brazenly offering this as a solution, and forgetting that most men WANT their women to be monogamous -- It's a two-way street....). Let me ask you this: Would you still endorse multiple affairs if you realized that polygamy is NOT likely to create a happy and healthy life/relationship either? Surely you are old enough to realize that neither men, nor women, can live in a perfect relationship -- regardless of how many partners they do or don't have. Therefore, your logic that "male unhappiness" is the reason to accept polygamy is moot because people are unhappy from time to time in any relationship. It's just human nature to have "had enough" of our loved one's daily idiosyncrasies and annoying habits -- at least from time to time -- no matter how many of those loved ones you have. It's easier to quit a relationship, and seek another, (or seek multiple affairs) and repeat this pattern over and over and over and over until death, or impotence, whichever comes first. (Just kidding -- Let's not take ourselves too seriously here). But the alternative -- that is, to work towards a monogamous relationship that is as happy as any long term relationship can and should be -- benefits the couple, their family, and society at large. This is a lofty, but doable, goal. A very worthy goal. (I've written at length about this in previous posts.) This is what I believe is important to encourage. Also remember this, giving any gender, male or female, carte blanche to have extra-marital affairs is also downright unhealthy in today's day and age!
Finally, I never denied cheating happens or that desire exists and is very strong (one would have to be very inexperienced to believe such things). I simply believe that it is not true, and damaging to perpetuate, that a natural impulse can't and shouldn't be controlled. If we expected a higher standard of ourselves, and used the discipline and self-control we DO have as humans, we would have a better society -- never perfect -- just better. So do us all a favor, stop telling men it's only natural that they cheat because they simply can't help it, and that too much is being asked of the poor dears, and perhaps you will actually inspire someone on the verge of seeking an extra-marital partner to treasure, love and desire who they have rather than who they don't. I couldn't agree more! I know I said I saw the other person's point of veiw, and I did, but I still don't agree with it. But YOU, you hit on the head what I was thinking and couldn't articulate. My husband and I both wanted out at some point because we were in selfish parts of our relationship and thinking only of ourselves. It wasn't until we communicated and became sellfless and put the other first that we are truly happy. I don't need to worry about my needs or wants, my husband is looking out for those as I look out for his instead of my own. We feel less entitled, and I believe that may be where your coming from. Men and women who cheat feel entitled to more, and are too selfish to repair and look for that in the relationship that they are currently in. Like you said, it is soooo much easier to look outside but no saying has ever been truer than "the grass is always greener". As for "natural" it is natural. To sin is a natural human urge, but that means thinking only of your self and putting your needs before the needs of others, regardless of the consequences. I, too, agree that it is unacceptable for a man to cheat and I know I am not alone, but as women we can, at times, be insecure, and what is worse for that than your man desiring another woman. AND ITS TEMPORAL!!!! why do they not leave their wives? these selfish cheaters. Because they don't want to lose the woman who puts up with his crap and cleans up after him and watches his children. Yes, he may still love her, or have love for her, but he is too busy thinking of what the world tells him he should have (a mistress... it's acceptable and no one will know!). As i've said, I am tired of people doing unacceptable things and making it acceptable by putting some tag on it so that they no longer have to have the burden of consequence or accountablility.
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(Original Air Date: 01/30/06) When two people get married, they proclaim, "For better or worse," but what happens when the worse part is all there is? Chris and April got married six weeks after their first date. Three years later, Chris says he's trapped between his wife and his daughter from his first marriage. April feels trapped in a marriage with someone she didn't know well enough to begin with, who is not the parent she thought he would be. With constant fighting in front of the children and frequent separations, can they learn to find balance? Then, Lori says if she had the money she would take her kids and divorce Tom, her husband of 10 years, but since he controls all the finances, she has no money for an attorney. Lori has to ask him for money for everything -- including buying groceries and filling her car with gas. Can Tom learn to share the wealth and treat Lori like his wife, not his child? Talk about the show here.
