Message Boards

Topic : 06/13 Trapped

Number of Replies: 197
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, January 27, 2006, 02:36:31 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 01/30/06) When two people get married, they proclaim, "For better or worse," but what happens when the worse part is all there is? Chris and April got married six weeks after their first date. Three years later, Chris says he's trapped between his wife and his daughter from his first marriage. April feels trapped in a marriage with someone she didn't know well enough to begin with, who is not the parent she thought he would be. With constant fighting in front of the children and frequent separations, can they learn to find balance? Then, Lori says if she had the money she would take her kids and divorce Tom, her husband of 10 years, but since he controls all the finances, she has no money for an attorney. Lori has to ask him for money for everything -- including buying groceries and filling her car with gas. Can Tom learn to share the wealth and treat Lori like his wife, not his child? Talk about the show here.


Find out what happened on the show.

 

More June 2006 Show Boards.


As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

January 30, 2006, 1:16 pm CST

Do NOT be blinded by love!

Quote From: trashed

I just found out for sure last night my husband of almost 10 years is having an affair,  We have four precious boys.  He brought her to my house at a new years eve party and he was caught by a friend making out with his co-worker in my laundry room!!  I asked him then he seemed to have NO memory claiming he must have been drunk!  Since then he has not had anything but cold advances to me.  He wont even hug me.  He refused to take me to diner to talk.  Then five days ago he "suddenly" says "I'm not happy and I'm getting my own apartment".  It was a shock since he kept denying any involvement.  I feel so devestated that I dont know where to turn.  My boys are real upset.  He says he has to find himself (he's forty)  So I'm asking what do I do?  Do I wait for him while he sleeps around to find himself.  He says if I don't give him space, he'll leave anyway.  I will pretty much loose everyting when he leaves.  We are strapped at the moment.   I'm sooo lost,  I really love him,  but I know I'm just being a fool.  He's thinking with his "little Head" not the big one.!!!!  Please help.

Pretend you're an outsider like me reading your post & that you have no love attachment to the guy what-so-ever.  Bottom line is he's cheating on you, is lying to you about it, is not contrite about this, won't respect your feelings enough to even talk about it, is emotionally cold to you & now is preparing to move out.  And don't be fooled just b/c he never threw a punch--this IS serious emotional abuse.  He's not entitled to have an affair or to lie to you As Dr. Phil says, "you can't fix it if you don't own it" & he's not even owning up to cheating & lying.  The proper response to him is, "Good riddance & don't let the door hit you in the face on the way out!"  And besides, he has already left you.  All that's left is the shell of a body that used to be your husband.  THIS is the way he really is, not the nice facade he put up when he was dating you.  All abusive husbands come across as nice guys in the beginning.   

  

And BTW, he's telling you a bunch of lies: 

1.  He was drunk during the laundry room incident & doesn't remember it.  Complete B.S.--it's his way of not having to talk about it.  And let's say this is true.  Well in that case he's an alcoholic who experiences black outs & needs rehab.  Also a bad situation. 

  

2.  He needs to "find himself"???  B.S.  He wants a place where he can be intimate with the other woman that's more comfortable than a laundry room. 

  

3.  His denial of the affair. 

  

Please don't believe his lies.  And please love yourself first by not being in a marriage with anyone who would dare treat you like this.  Staying with a man who is cheating on you is implicitly giving your okay about this.  Only give him another chance if he comes clean, appears very contrite & sorry, quits the affair, tells her in your presence he's ending it, switches jobs to a workplace where he has no contact with her, tells you where he is at all times, allows you to check all cell phone calls & credit card purchases, etc.  But you are no where even NEAR a situation where you can give him a second chance.    

  

Document everything he does.  And if you're a SAHM, be sure to get enough child support (& alimony if applicable to your situation) so you don't have to be dirt poor.  But even if you do end up being financially strapped for a while, it's better to be low income & without him.  (No, he will not magically revert to the nice guy he was in the beginning, so don't waste your time waiting around for that.)  And besides, he probably does come up with the money for taking HER out to dinner & motels, etc.  You can take comfort in knowing that "if he does it with you, he'll do it TO you."  Thus the other woman is not gaining a partner she can trust, nor is your husband gaining a trustworthy partner.   

 
January 30, 2006, 1:19 pm CST

Shock value

Ladies responding to Jim1970.  If you've ever read his other postings on other boards, you would realize that he posts this kind of drivel for shock value.  I think something must have really gone wrong in his life for him to be so bitter.  I think I responded to his post once.  Then I decided the best thing was just to ignore them.
 
January 30, 2006, 1:23 pm CST

You say don't let him leave... I say don't let him stay!

Quote From: mairamom

Hi! I would like to tell you that if you want to save your marriage you should go to Marriage Builders website.  A lot of people that are going through the same thing you are will help you and understand everything you are feeling.  In the meantime do not let him move out, tell him that his kids are going to be very hurt and that you love him and want to work and make a better marriage.  Take care of your house, your kids and yourself.  Make yourself look pretty and try to  meet his needs that the other women is meeting.  Don't beg him make yourself strong even if you don't feel it.  Tell him that you would like for him to stop talking to the other women and would like to work on your marriage together.  Tell him how much he is hurting you but don't let him see you like you can not go on without him.

HE is not meeting HER needs.  He went outside the marriage to have his needs met.  The onus is not on the wife to "look pretty" & meet her husbands needs.  If he wasn't getting his needs met, then he should have sat down & discussed this with his wife & possibly arranged counselling, instead of cheating.  The husband lies to her, cheats on her, is not contrite, is emotionally cold & won't even meet her need to discuss the cheating.  By the way he is acting, he has already left the marriage & is treating his wife the way no spouse deserves to be treated.  Good riddance! 

 
January 30, 2006, 1:38 pm CST

trapped

Quote From: babybombev

Hi, 

 I have been married 37 yrs. as of 2 days ago and there is nothing left but a room mate situation and not a good one at that. It really saddens me and I have tried all within my power to change the situation. My husband is on Valium and I know that is a big cause. He just watches TV, sleeps and eats. We have no sex, do nothing together except argue. All our kids are gone and we have recently got a dog to hold us together-I guess. We both talk more to her than each other. I quit working about 6 yrs.a go and now just write 2X's a week (column ) for my local newspaper. I hear him now asking the dog for a kiss and saying you are my baby! I use to be his baby. I am finally figuring out that I can't change anyone but me so I am starting on that. I just don't know whether or not to throw in the towel after so many years. Any answers out there??? Very sad and confused............I really wish that he loved me like I perceive Dr. Phil loves his wive. I would go on the show but I don't think it would do us any good. Once we took marriage counseling and they said we were like a train wreck...Oh one thing we do together is watch Dr. Phil. We are both from Texas and like the way he calls it lick it is. 

 35.5 years here, same room mate situation, he told me he doesn't want sex because it reminds him of what he's missing. Quit my job of 20 years because of stress and to help him on the farm but nobody but him can do it right. He talks to our dog(s) the same way (we have 5) and there are times I think he does it on purpose just to make me jealous. I do love him so this is very depressing for me but it has gone on almost the whole time we have been married. I have done everything I can think of to make him happy, whether I wanted to or not and all he does is curse and swear, use the f word and is always angry. Nothing makes him happy. I wish I had valium for him, he would be easier to get along with. I took over paying the bills right from the start, he never got around to do it til we were getting late notices, same with the farm book work and income taxes, did the farm chores for him while he was gone driving truck, raised 2 (good) boys and had a full time job. We have few friends, go nowhere and he spends all his time in the barn til late at night when he comes in to embrace his dearest love (TV) and looks to see if I have made him supper (always). Yet everything is my fault. If Dr. Phil and his wife ever get a divorce that will be the end of it for me because they are my only hope that 2 people can really love each other, talk things out and get along. I finally called a marriage counselor this morning, against my better judgment since we live in appalachia. No good counselor would live around here (no money). Of course, no answer so I left a message and of course no one called me back. I always laugh when people say to find a good counselor. Around here try to even find one and the chances are close to zilch. So all I can tell you, is you have a soul mate out here and summer is coming. We can busy ourselves outside and things don't look so bleak then. Oh one other thing, in the last few years I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior and that has really helped me but if anything made our relationship worse because my husband says I've changed since I've got religion (duh) and he doesn't like me so much anymore.  This too shall pass...
 
January 30, 2006, 1:44 pm CST

I see my self in her!!!!!!!!!

I feel like that is me.......  I see myself doing the same things............Except.....2months ago...it ended for me..... I am watching and reading everything...i can to learn what to do to make my life better....  for my partner and me and most of all the 3 kids.      I just don't know what to do?  I DON"T want to loose the LOVE of my life.    I want to make everthing better..  I want to find the way to change everything for the better....   
 
January 30, 2006, 1:46 pm CST

been there

Quote From: trashed

I just found out for sure last night my husband of almost 10 years is having an affair,  We have four precious boys.  He brought her to my house at a new years eve party and he was caught by a friend making out with his co-worker in my laundry room!!  I asked him then he seemed to have NO memory claiming he must have been drunk!  Since then he has not had anything but cold advances to me.  He wont even hug me.  He refused to take me to diner to talk.  Then five days ago he "suddenly" says "I'm not happy and I'm getting my own apartment".  It was a shock since he kept denying any involvement.  I feel so devestated that I dont know where to turn.  My boys are real upset.  He says he has to find himself (he's forty)  So I'm asking what do I do?  Do I wait for him while he sleeps around to find himself.  He says if I don't give him space, he'll leave anyway.  I will pretty much loose everyting when he leaves.  We are strapped at the moment.   I'm sooo lost,  I really love him,  but I know I'm just being a fool.  He's thinking with his "little Head" not the big one.!!!!  Please help.

I was in a similar situation last year.  My husband started an affair with his secretary, whom I had been friends with and had babysat our children.  I would later find out this was not her first affair, as a matter of fact, she married her current husband as the result of an affair on her previous husband.  Anyway, my husband also played dumb at first, claiming they were just friends who happened to be found drunk in a local parking lot at 2am by her husband.  Like you, I knew what was going on, but I wanted to save our family for my two young children, and also I still loved my husband.  I asked him repeatedly to stop breaking my heart, could we please work on our marriage with her out of the picture, etc. We went to counselling, which was of little help, because he became cold and distant, like you report.  Finally he admitted he loved her, and I couldn't live with that.  I went to stay with my parents while divising a plan to become a self-sufficient single mother.  I think the affair would have been painful enough, but being rejected as well is devastating.  It took months to get to a point where I would not cry at the drop of a hat.   The good news is that I did grow stronger, and I think my confidence actually rose higher than it had been during my marriage as a result of being more self-sufficient and realizing I could make it on my own. 

     Eventually, my husband did admit it was the biggest mistake of his life, and asked me to come back.  After some soul searching, and counselling, I decided to try it, figuring if it didn't work, I'd be back where I started anyway.  That's the point I'm at now.  I have been back home for about seven months, and I still can't honestly say if it will work out in the long run.  Of course my husband has poured out apologies, but my former perception of him has been shattered, along with much of my respect for him.  I am hoping that over time we (or actually I, since he seems fine) are able to heal more fully.  So I can't really say that trying to keep your marriage would necessarily be right or even desirable.  I know it would help you to be able to take some time for yourself to think about how you feel, and what you really want to happen.  When your husband has an affair, it changes your feelings about him, and I am starting to wonder if I shouldn't expect better for myself.  Maybe you should too. 

 
January 30, 2006, 1:53 pm CST

In limbo

      As of the first of this month I have been separated from my husband of 24 years.  He left saying he didn't know what he wanted and if he still wanted to be married to me.  He is also unhappy with his job and is looking for another.  I noticed he had been quite and distant this past year but I never expected this. He never really talked to me about what he was feeling until the night before he left.  He said he had been thinking about leaving this last winter. He is now in an apartment..  He is paying me some money for the mortgage on our house,  and  for our 16 year old son. I hate not knowing what is going to happen.  My friends till me he is having a midlife crisis at the age of 49 - is this what is happening? What is the best way to deal with situation ?
 
January 30, 2006, 2:02 pm CST

Bingo!!!! Step Parents speak up!!!!

Today,  I  was  watching  the  show,  and  first  I  want  to say  I  come  from  a family  where  I  both  love and  respect my step parents.     I  have  been  in  a  relationship  for  almost  eight  years.  I  am  a  couple  of  years  older   then  my  husband.  He  as  to  daughters.  I  Have  grow  childern.      I love  the  girls  very much.  But  there  are  never  any  boundries  for  these  girls  at  our  home.    I  am  always  the  bad  guy.     Both of  there  parents  have  not  only ,  played  alot  of  games.   But  asked  these  girls  to  lie  keep  secearts.  Or  have  in  the  past.   Manners ,  they  use to  not  have  any.    When  I  meet  there  dad,  there  mom  was  with  a  guy,  two  guys,  then  she  married  a  couple  of  years  ago.    I  would  ask  the  girls  to  pick  up  their  room,  .    clean  up  after  their  selfs.  Have  a  little  resect  for    our  home.   Would  cause,  all  kinds  of  problems.      Alot  of  this  was  because at  that  time  their  dad  drank,  his  ex  always  was  playing  a  guit  trip  on  him.  They  were  only  married  for  a  couple  of  years.   But  she  as  cause  alot  of  pain.   He  does  not  drink,  very  often  but  ,  the  girls  still  always  felt  like  I  was  the bad  guy.  Anymore,  they  and  myself  have  worked  out  alot  of  issues.  And  It  was  dad,  not  wanting to be  the  parent or  ever  having  to  say  NO.    This  still goes  on  not  has  much  as  it  did.    Dr.phil,   when  you  are  a  step  parent  paying  bills  running  a  house  hold.   You  do  have  the  right  to  be   parent.   And  if  one  parent   is  not  living  up  to  the  job,  you  can't  let  thing  just  go  to  the  way  side!!!!     You  are  right kids  are  smart.    And  they do know  how  to  play one  parent  aginst  the  other.  I  always  tell  the  girls  I  love  you  but  No,    and  I  always  make  a  point  to  later  talk  about  way  it's  no.  And it  is  not  always  no.     We  do talk.  And  I  always  try  to get  their  dad  to  talk  away  from  the  kids  if  it  gets  heated.      Step Parents,   do  have  rights.   
 
January 30, 2006, 2:10 pm CST

Not sure what to do now

I am 47 years old.  I have been lving with a man for 2 year, dating for 3.  I have found myself  taking care of everything in this relationship.  From driving him to work, to all the household duties, plus working full time.  He has worked sporatically during this time.  Then a couple of weeks ago he called me at work and said he needed a ride home, he had been fired.  I stewed on this for a few days and then exploded.  I am normally a very kind and giving person.  I swear felt that  I broke and asked him to move out, that I could not take it any more.  I said I needed to fix myself and he needed to fix himself.  He refuses to leave.  I have been called nasty names and have remained calm and cool.  I dont think he has any where to go but I need to have him leave.  I have only my name on my lease and am thinking that the police will have to be involved to remove him.
 
January 30, 2006, 2:14 pm CST

Help Please

Well, after numerous affairs. I finally filed for divorce and he could be getting it soon. For the last eight years he has cheated and lead double lives. This past 1 1/2 year he has lived in Nevada saying he was either divorce or getting one with women and doing it for their money or sex. My son has even visited him and he told him not to tell me. He finally told me that he was living with her and it was his boss...she fired him after finding out all his lies etc. He was using her for her soon to be money (lots) coming to her. I talked with her and its all lies on both sides. I just can't do this and its taken me 8 years to divorce him. I keep questing me as if I'm doing right by this. I have taken him back so many times and I'm not his mother...and I have just had it. I don't know how he is going to react but I really shouldn't care. I'm just through with all the women. I have made my first Dr. Phil move and made a step to a new ME. Just thought I would post this...Hopefully will have a better future...it will be hard as he has in the past made lots of threats etc. But I can't live my life in fear of him. RH
 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | Next | Last