Message Boards

Topic : 06/13 Trapped

Number of Replies: 197
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, January 27, 2006, 02:36:31 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 01/30/06) When two people get married, they proclaim, "For better or worse," but what happens when the worse part is all there is? Chris and April got married six weeks after their first date. Three years later, Chris says he's trapped between his wife and his daughter from his first marriage. April feels trapped in a marriage with someone she didn't know well enough to begin with, who is not the parent she thought he would be. With constant fighting in front of the children and frequent separations, can they learn to find balance? Then, Lori says if she had the money she would take her kids and divorce Tom, her husband of 10 years, but since he controls all the finances, she has no money for an attorney. Lori has to ask him for money for everything -- including buying groceries and filling her car with gas. Can Tom learn to share the wealth and treat Lori like his wife, not his child? Talk about the show here.


Find out what happened on the show.

 

More June 2006 Show Boards.


As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

January 30, 2006, 2:46 pm CST

Threats!

Quote From: rharris

Well, after numerous affairs. I finally filed for divorce and he could be getting it soon. For the last eight years he has cheated and lead double lives. This past 1 1/2 year he has lived in Nevada saying he was either divorce or getting one with women and doing it for their money or sex. My son has even visited him and he told him not to tell me. He finally told me that he was living with her and it was his boss...she fired him after finding out all his lies etc. He was using her for her soon to be money (lots) coming to her. I talked with her and its all lies on both sides. I just can't do this and its taken me 8 years to divorce him. I keep questing me as if I'm doing right by this. I have taken him back so many times and I'm not his mother...and I have just had it. I don't know how he is going to react but I really shouldn't care. I'm just through with all the women. I have made my first Dr. Phil move and made a step to a new ME. Just thought I would post this...Hopefully will have a better future...it will be hard as he has in the past made lots of threats etc. But I can't live my life in fear of him. RH
Here's a guy who has numerous affairs & uses people for money.  NOT a nice guy!  So you are absolutely doing the right thing to divorce him.  And you must keep yourself & your children safe all the while.  Whatever kinds of threats he's making--I would take very seriously & take precautions, whether they are of physical harm, taking the kids away, taking you to the cleaners financially, etc.  If he has ever showed signs that he's capable of physical violence, I would not hesitate to get a restraining order & if necessary, move without letting him know where you are.  (Even if he lives 2000 miles away.)   I would discuss the specifics of your situation with with an attorney well-versed in dealing with these kinds of threats, as well as with a counselor who deals with this, and groups that help abused women.  Seems like he has quite the sense of entitlement--he can do whatever the hell he wants but you are not entitled to divorce him.   
 
January 30, 2006, 2:54 pm CST

Is it over?

I've been married for 2 1/2 years. It was good at first. Now, I don't know if I should be another statistic or keep trying. My husband has an anxiety problem and was diagnosed with ADD as a child (but never treated). Anytime he gets stressed, he gets very angry.  Sometimes it's just general yelling about whatever, no matter how small (the TV not working, missing an exit on the freeway) and sometimes it's directed at me. Expressing any concern about finances, cleaning his shop, etc.  gets me yelled at and is followed by nasty names. It's not always like that obviously, or I definitely wouldn't be here. But the good days are getting fewer.  

  

I read on oprah.com that angry & controlling husbands are that way out of fear of failure/inadequacy and had problems from childhood.  He had a rough childhood watching his dad beat his mom and then them getting divorced when he was 7. He knows he has issues he needs to work at, and everytime he goes on a yelling spree, he apologizes and says he knows he's a jerk and he needs to work on it. BUT, he never does. Nothing changes. I've threatened to leave, he begged me to stay and a week later it would be back to the same. 

  

Yesterday, I had a breaking point. He kept asking me questions about a movie I was watching that was almost over. I answered him at first, but then I kept telling him that he really needs to watch it from the beginning. He kept on asking questions and finally I said, look it's too late to get involved stop asking me questions. He proceeded to call me a f-ing B and that he would not be talked to like a child in his own home. I told him I wasn't scared of his threats. A few more nasty words were spoken, by both of us. Afterward, I didn't want to cry like the other times. I was angry and had a feeling of total hatred for him. Obviously all that wasn't about some dumb movie, I know. 

  

I used to just take these rants in silence and shock. But I finally started rebelling and now I join in calling him names and telling him I'll just leave. I know that's not at all a solution and that I make it worse, but it's like I'm fighting for my life here. He is a former marine, and he argues like he would fight a war; it's kill or be killed. He tries to silence me with threats, names and tantrums. After years of this, I now really don't believe he wants to change. I find myself fantasizing about a life I could be living (I opted not to go to grad school so we could get his business off the ground), and about being in a loving, respectful relationship. I will NOT cheat but I can't help but wonder that I would be much better off alone.  

  

Is this marriage salvageable? Why the heck should I even try? 

 
January 30, 2006, 2:56 pm CST

In a simular situation

I too have a controlling husband.  We fight and call eachother names like the guest on today's show.  I don't feel like being intimate with him anymore and I've told him when he doesn't talk to me and treat me 1/2 decesnt during the day, how could he expect to have sex later?  I don't really have anyone to talk to so I write in a journal.  Over the years (18 years now and two wonderful kids later) I've had to hide stuff from him and he finds them.  My journals, money, bank account.  He doesn't seem to have any remorse for anything he does.  He had an "emotional" affair a couple of years ago and still denies it even when he was caught, the woman confessed infront of us.  It didn't become sexual only because it was found out before it got to that.  The last straw was just minutes ago.  He took a page out of my newest journal (have to continue to change so he doesn't go through them) and I told him I wanted it back.  He said he would give it to me when he went upstairs, then he said he'd give it to me in a minute when he got up cuz he was laying down for a minute.  I said no, I wanted it back now and he said I wasn't getting it back until he was ready to get it.  A few minutes later he came downstairs to leave for the store and I told him to give me the paper now and he said I have it here in my hand and walked out the door.  I followed him out and kept saying give me the paper now.  He laughed and walked around the car and said I will in a minute, go inside and I'll bring it to you in a minute.  I said no, are you taking it to make a copy?  what is wrong with you?  why won't you give it me?  when I wouldn't go inside and wait til he was ready, he said I had a problem and he wasn't going to give it to me now and drove off.  WHAT THE HELL???  It wasn't for anyone else to read let alone take and play games with.  He has made copies of my journal pages in the past, tape recorded fights, video taped ....  what is wrong with him?  Wish I wasn't trapped in this terribly controlling marriage.  I hate him.  I hate me.  I feel sorry for my kids.
 
January 30, 2006, 3:02 pm CST

Possible options

Quote From: karen24411

I am 47 years old.  I have been lving with a man for 2 year, dating for 3.  I have found myself  taking care of everything in this relationship.  From driving him to work, to all the household duties, plus working full time.  He has worked sporatically during this time.  Then a couple of weeks ago he called me at work and said he needed a ride home, he had been fired.  I stewed on this for a few days and then exploded.  I am normally a very kind and giving person.  I swear felt that  I broke and asked him to move out, that I could not take it any more.  I said I needed to fix myself and he needed to fix himself.  He refuses to leave.  I have been called nasty names and have remained calm and cool.  I dont think he has any where to go but I need to have him leave.  I have only my name on my lease and am thinking that the police will have to be involved to remove him.

You want this deadbeat to leave & only your name is on the lease.  As I see it you have 3 choices:  Give him a deadline for moving, at which point you will remove all his stuff from the premises, have the police forceably remove him, or move, even if you have to break your lease to a location unknown to him.  Your 3rd option might be your best bet, even if you have to put all your stuff in storage & move in with a friend or relative or to a hotel while you look for a new place.   It's best to NOT have him know where you live.  There are folks who will help you do quick, emergency moves.  Would be nice if you could get a friend to distract him with an all day activity:  Superbowl party or bike ride or something, so you could move without his knowing.  

  

In any of these cases, you may need to get a restraining order & if you stay in your residence, you would need to change the locks.He sounds like a very immature man & the action you take will depend on how likely he is to retaliate.  For example, you could give him the deadline, & you could come home from work to find your valuables missing.  If you think he's likely to retaliate or be physically violent, I would call the non-emergency number of the police department & discuss your situation with them.   

 
January 30, 2006, 3:08 pm CST

what I learned from my parents

 My parents married because they were pregant with me oh so many years ago. They have always been two of the most miserable people I know.  They have been married for over 52 years. Why are they still together, because they know no other way to be, 

What I learned from them. Ain't no way I was going to be that unhappy. So when it got bad I was gone. three times. If it ain't working, I am out of here.  It took alcoholism and 10 years of working on me before I was able to have arelationship that was worth being in. 

bjbutterfli 

 
January 30, 2006, 3:14 pm CST

His hypercontrol over you is disgusting.

Quote From: okimom

I too have a controlling husband.  We fight and call eachother names like the guest on today's show.  I don't feel like being intimate with him anymore and I've told him when he doesn't talk to me and treat me 1/2 decesnt during the day, how could he expect to have sex later?  I don't really have anyone to talk to so I write in a journal.  Over the years (18 years now and two wonderful kids later) I've had to hide stuff from him and he finds them.  My journals, money, bank account.  He doesn't seem to have any remorse for anything he does.  He had an "emotional" affair a couple of years ago and still denies it even when he was caught, the woman confessed infront of us.  It didn't become sexual only because it was found out before it got to that.  The last straw was just minutes ago.  He took a page out of my newest journal (have to continue to change so he doesn't go through them) and I told him I wanted it back.  He said he would give it to me when he went upstairs, then he said he'd give it to me in a minute when he got up cuz he was laying down for a minute.  I said no, I wanted it back now and he said I wasn't getting it back until he was ready to get it.  A few minutes later he came downstairs to leave for the store and I told him to give me the paper now and he said I have it here in my hand and walked out the door.  I followed him out and kept saying give me the paper now.  He laughed and walked around the car and said I will in a minute, go inside and I'll bring it to you in a minute.  I said no, are you taking it to make a copy?  what is wrong with you?  why won't you give it me?  when I wouldn't go inside and wait til he was ready, he said I had a problem and he wasn't going to give it to me now and drove off.  WHAT THE HELL???  It wasn't for anyone else to read let alone take and play games with.  He has made copies of my journal pages in the past, tape recorded fights, video taped ....  what is wrong with him?  Wish I wasn't trapped in this terribly controlling marriage.  I hate him.  I hate me.  I feel sorry for my kids.

He acts like you're his property & completely disregards your feelings.  But  meanwhile, he is "entitled" (in his mind) to have an affair.  You know you need to get out!  What's holding you back?  Whether it's financial, acquiring job skills, etc, you can be working on your plan NOW to get out. 

 
January 30, 2006, 3:15 pm CST

01/30 Trapped

Quote From: okimom

I too have a controlling husband.  We fight and call eachother names like the guest on today's show.  I don't feel like being intimate with him anymore and I've told him when he doesn't talk to me and treat me 1/2 decesnt during the day, how could he expect to have sex later?  I don't really have anyone to talk to so I write in a journal.  Over the years (18 years now and two wonderful kids later) I've had to hide stuff from him and he finds them.  My journals, money, bank account.  He doesn't seem to have any remorse for anything he does.  He had an "emotional" affair a couple of years ago and still denies it even when he was caught, the woman confessed infront of us.  It didn't become sexual only because it was found out before it got to that.  The last straw was just minutes ago.  He took a page out of my newest journal (have to continue to change so he doesn't go through them) and I told him I wanted it back.  He said he would give it to me when he went upstairs, then he said he'd give it to me in a minute when he got up cuz he was laying down for a minute.  I said no, I wanted it back now and he said I wasn't getting it back until he was ready to get it.  A few minutes later he came downstairs to leave for the store and I told him to give me the paper now and he said I have it here in my hand and walked out the door.  I followed him out and kept saying give me the paper now.  He laughed and walked around the car and said I will in a minute, go inside and I'll bring it to you in a minute.  I said no, are you taking it to make a copy?  what is wrong with you?  why won't you give it me?  when I wouldn't go inside and wait til he was ready, he said I had a problem and he wasn't going to give it to me now and drove off.  WHAT THE HELL???  It wasn't for anyone else to read let alone take and play games with.  He has made copies of my journal pages in the past, tape recorded fights, video taped ....  what is wrong with him?  Wish I wasn't trapped in this terribly controlling marriage.  I hate him.  I hate me.  I feel sorry for my kids.
 stop. the key word is your kids. do something to re-group. control your emotions. CONTROL!  Your husband is an idiot.  Your emotioms are getting the best of you.
 
January 30, 2006, 3:32 pm CST

Reading Between the Lines

Quote From: unhappy71

Dr. Phil, I hate my marriage and my life because I feel so trapped and alone. I have 2 kids ages 5 & 12 and a husband that's not worth a damn. I'm so tired of living with him and I just want out, but I don't know if I could make it on my own with out him, but I can't keep on living the way I am or I'll be dead before I'm 40. I've started to drink some just so I can forget for a while but it all comes back and it makes me worse. We don't sleep together anymore and we have different bedrooms, I actually sleep with my daughter in her room, just so I don't have to be near him. My son won't live with us because we fight so bad and we have gone as far as hit one another. My 2 kids have heard it and seen it. Can you help or what do we do? I really don't think he even cares if we get along or not, I'm at the point I don't care.

You sound like I feel sometimes.  To quote the infamous Dr. Phil, "fighting in front of your children IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE".  When you became a parent, your wants are put aside.   To sit on your pity pot in front of them only teaches them to be a victim.  Dr. Phil gave precise and exact advice to the couples on his show today.  Are we so addicted to maudlin self-pity, we refuse to hear the solution?  We're not hard of hearing, we hard of listening.  To answer one of your questions, What you do is...PUT YOUR KIDS FIRST (stop fighting) and ask yourself (before you act or speak) How will this affect my children?  Buy Dr. Phil's book, "Relationship Rescue" and make an appointment to see a family therapist for yourself, even if hubby never comes.  I bought Dr. Phil's book six months ago and I'm still working on myself.  I too am in a disentigrating relationship.  As I work on myself I can spot many flaws in my thinking, my expectations and actions in the past and present.  What difference does it make if my marriage does fail and I end up choosing the same guy over and over (just in a different body) because I haven't discovered why I pick 'em. 

My children are grown, thank God, but I'm beginning to believe they were the glue holding up a house of cards.  Now that they're gone, one little breeze will knock it down.  Good luck! 

 
January 30, 2006, 3:42 pm CST

Thankful

 When I watch shows like todays I am very thankful to have a husband who puts me first. When we met everything moved very quickly. Marriage is work and both have to give unselfishly to make it work. Your children are given the best gift you can EVER give them when they see two parents who love one another.  Yes we all have differences but isn't it worth working together for the sake of your children. I am blessed with two teenage boys whos company I enjoy immensely. I enjoy my time with my husband and yes he gets on my nerves sometimes. I always remember what made me fall in love with him before I totally lose my temper. I say a prayer and that brings me back to what its really all about. We are not rich and in fact never had a real honeymoom,my house has needed work for years(my husband is a disabled contractor) The most important thing is our love for each other. FAMILY FIRST!!!!!!
 
January 30, 2006, 3:43 pm CST

trapped

  

  Dear Dr. Phil & Staff, 

  

  First of all I want to thank you for taking the time to read this, or I should say hopefully reading this since this is my first time to e-mail you.  After watching your Jan 30th show "Trapped" I found myself thinking my relationship is similar to Tom and Lori's.  I also have a 10yr relationship but we're not married.  We went to a counselor one time and my guy told me we didn't have the money to do it anymore.  I would like to try to get started again with some sort of counseling, whether it be with the one we saw, once, who is a licensed clinical social worker, or a pre-marriage counselor,  marriage counselor, pyschiatrist, ect.., since I'm uncertain which type of therapist would be most appropriate. I would love to know your opinion on which type of professional to seek and if you could recommend that person in our area to go and see.  My boyfriend has a complete physical scheduled tomorrow  w/a general medical doctor to discuss possible anti-depressent medications per the counselors suggestion. 

 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Next | Last