Topic : 06/13 Trapped

 You are in a parent child relationship but he WANTS to be the child, and is jealous of you and your maturity or stability or common sense. He equals the field by treating YOU like the child. They use abuse, language, intimidation, pouting, refusal to "grow up" mentally or in actions or the finances or the children  to manipulate and retain control so they can BE the child.   

                                                                                                                                                                                       

 Without a doubt, the problem is a failure, due to abuse or verbal abuse or his being spoiled  in his family of origin, and now he is replaying the tape and doing it to YOU.  You are more than likely dealing with a case of HIS arrested development, and frankly there is NOTHING you can do because consciously or subconsiously (sp) he WANTS it this way INCLUDING your verbal "parential tone" as you "talk" to him about his lack of motivation (read that maturity, help etc. ) he is acting out his past and using you as a PLAYER in his drama (not as the person you really  are) to do that.  

  

You are being led into this role (he needs you to play for HIM) by his acts of immaturity. His has (due to his past) the lines blurred between what is a parent and what or who "gets" to be the child. It is a sickness YOU had nothing to do with (other than to be led into your role) that YOU cannot solve for HIM. He was more than likely ALREADY damaged. He does this because it works. He WANTS to be taken care of and self indulged, but also wants to "control" you so he can BE the child, and then frankly he resents it. He is in conflict with his identity. Man or child? You cannot solve this but you can keep from being manipulated into being a player, and protect your own sanity. 

  

You know how a sick child can "milk" your care? That is exactly what he is hoping to arrive at. He wants to be (and is the sick demanding child). He is using you to replace mother, but at the same time trying to play "parent" to you. STOP THE GAME NOW, don't allow him to sit the rules. Ask yourself what would you do if one of your children was "milking the sick game" and running your legs off and bossing you and staying sick for the "sympathy and care" when you knew they were NOT that sick? (ps he is mentaly sick and doing it  because it WORKS) 

  

I realize they have had too much "control" and are milking it, and not trying to get well, and let it be known (in words and act)  that THEY have the responsibility to be honest and move on into recovery and back to school. (of course when I can tell they are really well,  but just milking the sick to self indulge and avoid their responsibilities) .  

  

He is "whinying" for more self indulgent care, to MILK you because HE LIKES being the child. He does have the power to challenge your authority because he is what? A CHILD in an adult body. He is man/child and he needs to be motivated to be one or the other. Not with WORDS but by your "self protecting" not playing the game ACTS to circumvent the manipulation YOU to serve his comfort level. 

  

Get firm, refuse to be manipulated into being the CHILD or the mommy. Stop whatever it is you are doing to reach "understanding" verbally. What ever it is it won't work. Just stop playing the roles he wants you to or leave him to "do for himself". You have to protect your right to be an adult and to have dignity and respect. He WON'T EVER help you do this, as you have more than likely figured out.  

  

Being the hero and staying in the situation usually doesn't work, they just whine MORE. Because they are very good at switching from the whiny child into the punishing adult. It is a split personality thing in a sense, but all designed to manipulate YOU. It works because they have the adult power to successfully manipulate you, but you CAN manipulate it back to more reasonable power equality ONLY if you don't "play it their way". Sometimes "leaving the sick room or taking away the bell they ring to get you to come running" ie leaving the marriage is the only way.  

  

Suggest counseling (usually ineffective as it is only words everywhere but no action) or learn to ignore him ENTIRELY.  When NO one is doing for him he will be motivated to "get well".  

  

Do not seek understanding, he LIKES it this way for his own "sick" reasons. You cannot cure him or the situation it will take a professional, and even then they "hold their breath" and refuse to cooperate. He doesn't want to get well. As long as you "cater" to it in ANY way, HE is winning.  

  ditto to this  I agree.  

Your vindictive, childish attitude is more than likely why you were dumped  and not chosen. Learn from it and learn some compassion. No one knowingly volunteers for abuse or deserves this treatment. Learn what LOVE is. It is action not words.  

Quote From: wayne101

My wife of almost five years says she wants a divorce. She would rather say that than to look at any reponsibility she might have in our ( my problems.) She says that i am self absorbed, contained and happy to live that way. I don't like gossip and small talk, she does. She talks about her girlfriends and their husbands or boyfriends mostly negative stuff. Yet when I meet these people i'm supposed to forget what she has said and treat the situation open mindedly. That hasn't worked well for me. Thus I don't like meeting most of her friends. I am also sure that she has shared all my short comings with them. Some of my short comings: I am caught talking to myself and thinking out loud, I don't mind spending lots of time alone, when i talk i would rather talk about positive things that we can do to better our lives and relationship. Because that seems to get sabtaged by gossip or negativity (sometimes just a negative tone of voice) I find myself at a loss of words. The problem - SHE REALLY LIKES TO TALK AND DOES NOT LIKE BEING ALONE. She has said that my lack of participation causes her to feel disconected and rejected. I am sorry but sorry is not going to cut it. I NEED TO LEARN TO TALK TO MY WIFE 

  

  response: I think , Maybe she is talking about them to get a message to you how she does or doesn't want to be treated by YOU. Maybe she is looking for something in common with you and or just needs to talk. Maybe she is so wrapped up in what THEY are doing, because you and her don't do anything and don't TALK about anything (but you or YOUR interests? ) 

Bet you ignore her, and if you don't like her friends  (or being with these folks bothers YOU) become a  best friend to your wife.  Be HER new best friend.  She has nowwhere else to go to talk, or you FORCE her to go there by ignoring her, maybe?.   

  Don't just manipulate her away from the subjects you don't like. She will see it for what it is CONTROL. Good friends don't get that way by ignoring each other or each others interest.  Don't put her down for "gossip" or tell her how she is WRONG to do this.............work to actively replace it by filling her need to talk and not just about you or your activities as a "single guy" that you do without her. You guys like certain things, so do women, try to find something in common to SHARE and enjoy ...........seek to  meet her halfway on this at least. Listen.. try and be interested. Open the communication lines bud.                                                                                                                                                                                         Who do you feel most loyal to strangers or your wife? Share her observations or let her have them, don't put her down for this need to talk, ALL women have it You guys have it you just want  the talk all about YOU or you get bored?. Marriage is about sharing and giving, not just taking.                                    She probably isn't  as nuts as your are about your sports, your job, or YOUR friends or liking  it much to be competing with what YOU want to do alone or without HER or your all about me and what I think attitudes. Bet when you change the subject it is to talk about YOU, or what YOU want to talk about. That comes across as manipulative, and put downish. Acknowledge her and what she is interested in (even if you somewhat disapprove of the concept of gossip) A shared "secret" about others is one of the "fun" aspects of being married or having it UNITES you and her. You need to work on arriving at  you two being best friends able to talk about anything.  She is trying to pull you into her world any way she can and you are clearly REFUSING to go there. Fix this now, or divorice is on the horizon for sure. If she likes to talk about what other people are doing LISTEN, don't act bored or put her down for it. Be loyal to your wife and who or what she is or likes or work WITH her to change this, by sharing something you two CAN talk about.  

Why do people argue? Why do people waste time and energy arguing about little things?

I really do not understand. What's the sense? What's the gain? I see only hurt feelings and  headaches from the tension.

Why would anyone call their spouse names? Why would anyone call their children names? It just doesn't make sense: It's daft!

My wife and I married after a short courtship of eight months. One thing which attracted me to her is that she does not want to argue over stupid little things. Another attraction is that she doesn't call anyone names. These are things I do and find important.

Why work so hard to make your own life misserable? Why work so hard to make your spouse's and children's life misserable?

Why bother?

Anna,I agree some what  I  know what  you  are saying about  that little girl. But ,the Point  is that  they did  get  married  and  do  have  other  childern.  So  April's felling  do  count.     And she  as  every right to  to expect, from  this  little  girl  the  same  things  she  would  expect  from  her  own  children.   yesterday  my  own  mother  and  my  step  mom  ,  called.  I  brought  up  what  I  seen  on  the  show.  I  have  two  wonderful  strong  women  here.  Who  are  also  freinds. Both  never  expected  or  asked  nothing  differnet between  all  of  us  kids.   We  were  all treated  the same  way.   There  the family rules  and  vaules  were  to  be   followed  the  same ,  for  everyone!   They  treated  each of  us  like  people.   But  the  adults  made  the  rules.  We  were  able  to  ask  why,  And  were  given  the  resons.    Some  things  were  open  for  dissicusion.  And  some  things  were  not.   Sometimes they agreed  with  us,  and  would  change  what  they  had  first said  (point  )  Good  parenting  on  all  sides.

Where to begin??? I watched the show 1/30 about being trapped and I've read EVERY post on this topic as well.  

First off Id like to say NO ONE IS TRAPPED!!! Your not trapped because you make the CHOICE to stay where you are at and not leave the situation ... You may feel trapped but you are only trapped within yourself!  

I have been in the stereotype situation as many of the posters on here, I married at 17 had our first child at 18 next child at 21 and finally divorced at 22. The abuse was only verbal and emotional in the beginning of our marriage. It led to physical shortly afterwards tho. Our oldest child was a few months old and he got physical, attempting to hit me and strangle me with a curling iron cord. I stayed with him even past my better judgment's that I should of listened to. Our next big physical altercation happened when I was 5 1/2 months pregnant with our 2nd child. He slammed my head in the car door in Kmart s parking lot. I never filed any sort of legal papers against him for that either. The abuse kept up (as it usually does). We were all in the car going fishing and he had the window down and radio turned up and I asked that he roll the window up (it was may and our youngest baby was 3 months old and sleeping on the drive) and turn down the radio because both children were sleeping and needless to say I didn't get the reaction that I had hoped for. He backhanded me and then proceeded to punch me in the legs as he was driving. We got to where we were going and he got out of the car and I refused to get out. I locked him out of the car and I stayed in there with my children. His entire family was there that day, it was planned for his fathers birthday party to be fishing. Anyhow we left together from there and I drove him home. The entire way he kept saying "im sorry it wont happen again" the typical things he always said after he had abused me. I pulled up in front of our home and he got out and I left with my children and didn't look back. I finally had all I was taking and I got the courage and strength to leave him. I felt I was trapped we had 2 children 3 years old and 3 months old and I felt I was going to be a bad parent if I left him. I heard the great wisdom of my grandmother tell me "You will hurt your children if you leave, but, You will hurt them more if you stay" How true those words are. If you are staying in a marriage because you have children and its a "bad marriage" then you will hurt your children far worse if you stay in the relationship fighting physically or verbally, children will be scared for life being raised in an unhappy home. I know from my personal experience that it is NOT easy to leave a relationship when you love them dearly and you just want it to work out. But I also have learned I could make it with out him.  

Most of the post (not all) say if they could afford it ... I didn't work while we were married, I was a stay at home mom for the greater portion of our marriage, it will be hard to leave emotionally but if its because the money there is many places to get some aid. There are places that will help you get away and help get you into a home of your own. You have to seek these places out. Many times family will help if you have them, because they would rather not see you in the situation your in. I divorced my Ex and I have to say its the best thing I could have done! Not only for my well being but for my CHILDREN!!!!!!!!! 

Now onto the "Step Parent" issue. I agree with parts of what Dr.Phil said, but NOT ALL! I don't agree that the step parent cannot be the main disciplinary parent. I myself am engaged and live with my fiancée and have for 14 months. My step children to be are teenagers 17(boy) and 15(girl). I met him nearly 6 years ago on the Internet. We become friends and remained close friends for  4 years. Although never meeting face to face during that time. We spoke on the phone a few times but mostly on the computer. I knew about his children and what was going on in their lives through out our entire friendship. Once we decided to become more than friends our lives took on a whole new role. From daily emailing and phone calls to one another, we involved the children in the communication as much as we did one another. Our first face to face meeting was the day I come to "visit" him at his home. He come to my parents home and met me there with the plans that I would come stay with him for a week or two, Its been over a year and I couldn't imagine a better life. He has physical custody of his children. They are home with us 4 days and go to their mothers home 4 days. That's how its supposed to go but often we have them 5 or 6 of the 8 days. I am the primary care giver to the children as well as the primary parent that disciplines them. I stay at home and he works so obviously I am with them more than he is. Although they are nearly raised now I still make the final decision in what happens from day to day IE can friends stay over, if they act up we BOTH make the decisons of what punishment will be. We COMMUNICATE well together! Being a step parent isn't easy by any means! I live the life daily and I also know what its like to be raised by a step parent. I have a step dad and he raised me from 2 years old through adulthood. 

 I read a post that said "don't marry someone with children under 18 years old" I was in total disbelief of that comment! I DISAGREE with that completely!  

In final words, If you marry someone whom you cannot talk to freely, it won't change once your married! To leave a marriage takes strength and courage, no one can help you find that you have to search within yourself. 

I have taken it to 3 attorneys who all said the same thing.  It is written in broad language saying anything owned before the marriage belongs to the parties who owned it, anything bought afterwards should be split.  It doesn't detail the property owned before the marriage, i.e. legal description, etc.  It was made by 1 attorney represnting both parties.  I didn't know we were to have our own attorneys to repesent each of us.  Before the marriage I owned 2 houses (one to live in, the other rental).  Since the marriage I have bought 3 more rental houses, we have established 401K's and IRA's we didn't have before, which aren't listed in the pre nup.   

  

I was advised to get a post nup, done by my own attorney and approved by his attorney to protect my assests.  Unfortunately he wouldn't be willing to put out the money to do that, and it would send a red flag that I was planning something, and that the other pre nup was worthless (which he doesn't know).  As it is now, I would have to give him either a cash settlement of unknown amount or one of the houses.  I have financed, purchased (deeded in my name), and done the sweat equity on these houses--not him.  He should not get a house free gratis just because he married me, which he would only turn around and sell.  Seems I'm in the position most men are--I'm in the position to get cleaned out, not him.   

Thank you. And yes it sounds selfish. I still feel misunderstood. The "GEE, I WONDER WHY SHE FEELS REJECTED" is excactly what i mean. I know you mean well, but that was a condesending statement. Maybe its just me. Some people do change when they get married. Changing the subject is what i do best - its one of the biggest reasons she uses to acuse me of not listening to her. And yes i do need SOME ,a little, not much, alone time. I would very much love to come off of my pedistle and meet her on an even surface. I do mean it when i say thank you!

Kudos to your post. Alot of meaning and importance was said in just these few words. You hit the nail on the head.  I wish more people could cut to the chaste-(truth) like you have. You are a very wise person.

Apparently i am a self absorbed a******** . I liked your response and would like your input on getting to place with my wife were she and i can be best friends again. Thank you