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Topic : 06/13 Trapped

Number of Replies: 197
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, January 27, 2006, 02:36:31 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 01/30/06) When two people get married, they proclaim, "For better or worse," but what happens when the worse part is all there is? Chris and April got married six weeks after their first date. Three years later, Chris says he's trapped between his wife and his daughter from his first marriage. April feels trapped in a marriage with someone she didn't know well enough to begin with, who is not the parent she thought he would be. With constant fighting in front of the children and frequent separations, can they learn to find balance? Then, Lori says if she had the money she would take her kids and divorce Tom, her husband of 10 years, but since he controls all the finances, she has no money for an attorney. Lori has to ask him for money for everything -- including buying groceries and filling her car with gas. Can Tom learn to share the wealth and treat Lori like his wife, not his child? Talk about the show here.


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January 28, 2006, 8:18 am CST

Afraid I am trapped

Hi, 

 I have been married 37 yrs. as of 2 days ago and there is nothing left but a room mate situation and not a good one at that. It really saddens me and I have tried all within my power to change the situation. My husband is on Valium and I know that is a big cause. He just watches TV, sleeps and eats. We have no sex, do nothing together except argue. All our kids are gone and we have recently got a dog to hold us together-I guess. We both talk more to her than each other. I quit working about 6 yrs.a go and now just write 2X's a week (column ) for my local newspaper. I hear him now asking the dog for a kiss and saying you are my baby! I use to be his baby. I am finally figuring out that I can't change anyone but me so I am starting on that. I just don't know whether or not to throw in the towel after so many years. Any answers out there??? Very sad and confused............I really wish that he loved me like I perceive Dr. Phil loves his wive. I would go on the show but I don't think it would do us any good. Once we took marriage counseling and they said we were like a train wreck...Oh one thing we do together is watch Dr. Phil. We are both from Texas and like the way he calls it lick it is. 

 
January 28, 2006, 12:28 pm CST

You are loved.....

Quote From: babybombev

Hi, 

 I have been married 37 yrs. as of 2 days ago and there is nothing left but a room mate situation and not a good one at that. It really saddens me and I have tried all within my power to change the situation. My husband is on Valium and I know that is a big cause. He just watches TV, sleeps and eats. We have no sex, do nothing together except argue. All our kids are gone and we have recently got a dog to hold us together-I guess. We both talk more to her than each other. I quit working about 6 yrs.a go and now just write 2X's a week (column ) for my local newspaper. I hear him now asking the dog for a kiss and saying you are my baby! I use to be his baby. I am finally figuring out that I can't change anyone but me so I am starting on that. I just don't know whether or not to throw in the towel after so many years. Any answers out there??? Very sad and confused............I really wish that he loved me like I perceive Dr. Phil loves his wive. I would go on the show but I don't think it would do us any good. Once we took marriage counseling and they said we were like a train wreck...Oh one thing we do together is watch Dr. Phil. We are both from Texas and like the way he calls it lick it is. 

There is still hope..  Even tho he is on medication there are ways to show him you are the person he fell in love with.  You should try and go out with girlfriends.  Make yourself beautiful and go out for a night of fun and excitement with the girls.  I see you are jealous when he talks to your dog, don't be.  At least he is starting to show some signs of life.  Another, please do not compare your marriage with others for we all are different.  You and your husband needs to establish one thing that is in common....  LOVE.  Once that is worked out then it should be a lot easier from there.  You need to talk to him.  If he gets on a defense try to find other ways to talk to him so you can avoid conflicts.  Send him a card telling him how much you miss his company and the way he makes you feel.  Tell him in detail the love you both shared.  But most of all, take some time for you and pretty yourself up and go out with the girls.  You need it.  I can also tell you are lacking positive attention for yourself.  Don't let that deal with your marriage.   

  

I believe your husband loves you but is lost with all the medicine he is taking.   

 
January 28, 2006, 12:29 pm CST

You are loved.....

Quote From: babybombev

Hi, 

 I have been married 37 yrs. as of 2 days ago and there is nothing left but a room mate situation and not a good one at that. It really saddens me and I have tried all within my power to change the situation. My husband is on Valium and I know that is a big cause. He just watches TV, sleeps and eats. We have no sex, do nothing together except argue. All our kids are gone and we have recently got a dog to hold us together-I guess. We both talk more to her than each other. I quit working about 6 yrs.a go and now just write 2X's a week (column ) for my local newspaper. I hear him now asking the dog for a kiss and saying you are my baby! I use to be his baby. I am finally figuring out that I can't change anyone but me so I am starting on that. I just don't know whether or not to throw in the towel after so many years. Any answers out there??? Very sad and confused............I really wish that he loved me like I perceive Dr. Phil loves his wive. I would go on the show but I don't think it would do us any good. Once we took marriage counseling and they said we were like a train wreck...Oh one thing we do together is watch Dr. Phil. We are both from Texas and like the way he calls it lick it is. 

There is still hope..  Even tho he is on medication there are ways to show him you are the person he fell in love with.  You should try and go out with girlfriends.  Make yourself beautiful and go out for a night of fun and excitement with the girls.  I see you are jealous when he talks to your dog, don't be.  At least he is starting to show some signs of life.  Another, please do not compare your marriage with others for we all are different.  You and your husband needs to establish one thing that is in common....  LOVE.  Once that is worked out then it should be a lot easier from there.  You need to talk to him.  If he gets on a defense try to find other ways to talk to him so you can avoid conflicts.  Send him a card telling him how much you miss his company and the way he makes you feel.  Tell him in detail the love you both shared.  But most of all, take some time for you and pretty yourself up and go out with the girls.  You need it.  I can also tell you are lacking positive attention for yourself.  Don't let that deal with your marriage.   

  

I believe your husband loves you but is lost with all the medicine he is taking.   

 
January 28, 2006, 9:12 pm CST

this has hit home

i am in need of some advise.  

i have been with my husband since 2000. we were married in oct 03.  we have 2 kids together, ages 3 and 1 both boys.   

i had just ended a 4 yr relationship to a guy who was my high school sweetheart because of abuse. i wasnt looking for  anything or anyone. i wanted time to find who i really was. i was working full time hours and looking into going back to school. things were going well. i met him ( my husband) through some mutural friends.  at first i dint pay much attention to him. but the more i was around him the more i didnt want to be. he was getting a divorce from his second marriage ( his frst was because he got the woman pregnant and wanted to do the "right thing") both marriages lasted i think 2 maybe 3 years each.  

over ther years our relationship had been tested time and time again. i'll give you a short summery of things 

we had a miscarrige,  c a month later my sisters husband also one of his friends,is killed in an auto accident, my grandfather dies a year later, we had our first child together a month after that, a year later we move to another state. but the past 2 years have been the hardest. we were married and on the same day his mom was admitted into the hospital. a few days after his birthday in dec she passes away. he was a mammas boy and this crushed him. he went to the funeral alone. we couldnt afford for all of us to go and plus i was pregnant again and was considered high risk. a few months after that he was diagnosed with mulitple sclerosis. then our second child is born. he isnt able to work, he considered a liabilty so employers dont want to hire him. so i started working again. mind you i hadnt worked in 3 yrs but i found a job. well he took up playing poker. i had no problem with that. i just wanted him to be happy so i let him play. at first it was only online and for play money. then he got pretty good at it so i encouraged him to play for real money. he was doing good. then he heard of live games and he started playing at those. it was 1 or 2 nights out of the week, and he would leave when the kids went to bed which was around 8 or 9 and be home by midnight.  he was with the kids all day. i felt bad for him so i let him play. but then more days were added on and the times when he was coming home was later and later. it became 2 or 3 am   and he was out playing 3 or 4 days a week. now its practically everday and i dont see him till the following morning when i have to leave for work. 

  

now he tells me that hes not happy and that he wants to leave.  i dont know what to do. with everything that has been going on, i dont blame him, but instead of us getting closer he has shut me out. the more i tried to be there for him, the more i got the cold shoulder. but when i backed off he complained that i didnt care anymore.  he recently told me that i needed to find my own transportaton and figure out where i am going to be living and doing  because he is moving out. 

my friends and family are saying that i should let him leave and get on with my life. i get so frustrated and overwhelmed at times that i just brake down and cry. i dont eat or sleep all that well. i cant afford to move again. hours at work have been cut so i dont have the finacial means to do much. i know that there is state aide out there but in order to get it i have to get a divorce and i'm not ready  to throw in the towel.  

is there even a chance for us to save our marriage or is it over.  

please help 

  

 
January 29, 2006, 2:25 pm CST

Oh honey....I'm really sorry.

Quote From: wyldroze

i am in need of some advise.  

i have been with my husband since 2000. we were married in oct 03.  we have 2 kids together, ages 3 and 1 both boys.   

i had just ended a 4 yr relationship to a guy who was my high school sweetheart because of abuse. i wasnt looking for  anything or anyone. i wanted time to find who i really was. i was working full time hours and looking into going back to school. things were going well. i met him ( my husband) through some mutural friends.  at first i dint pay much attention to him. but the more i was around him the more i didnt want to be. he was getting a divorce from his second marriage ( his frst was because he got the woman pregnant and wanted to do the "right thing") both marriages lasted i think 2 maybe 3 years each.  

over ther years our relationship had been tested time and time again. i'll give you a short summery of things 

we had a miscarrige,  c a month later my sisters husband also one of his friends,is killed in an auto accident, my grandfather dies a year later, we had our first child together a month after that, a year later we move to another state. but the past 2 years have been the hardest. we were married and on the same day his mom was admitted into the hospital. a few days after his birthday in dec she passes away. he was a mammas boy and this crushed him. he went to the funeral alone. we couldnt afford for all of us to go and plus i was pregnant again and was considered high risk. a few months after that he was diagnosed with mulitple sclerosis. then our second child is born. he isnt able to work, he considered a liabilty so employers dont want to hire him. so i started working again. mind you i hadnt worked in 3 yrs but i found a job. well he took up playing poker. i had no problem with that. i just wanted him to be happy so i let him play. at first it was only online and for play money. then he got pretty good at it so i encouraged him to play for real money. he was doing good. then he heard of live games and he started playing at those. it was 1 or 2 nights out of the week, and he would leave when the kids went to bed which was around 8 or 9 and be home by midnight.  he was with the kids all day. i felt bad for him so i let him play. but then more days were added on and the times when he was coming home was later and later. it became 2 or 3 am   and he was out playing 3 or 4 days a week. now its practically everday and i dont see him till the following morning when i have to leave for work. 

  

now he tells me that hes not happy and that he wants to leave.  i dont know what to do. with everything that has been going on, i dont blame him, but instead of us getting closer he has shut me out. the more i tried to be there for him, the more i got the cold shoulder. but when i backed off he complained that i didnt care anymore.  he recently told me that i needed to find my own transportaton and figure out where i am going to be living and doing  because he is moving out. 

my friends and family are saying that i should let him leave and get on with my life. i get so frustrated and overwhelmed at times that i just brake down and cry. i dont eat or sleep all that well. i cant afford to move again. hours at work have been cut so i dont have the finacial means to do much. i know that there is state aide out there but in order to get it i have to get a divorce and i'm not ready  to throw in the towel.  

is there even a chance for us to save our marriage or is it over.  

please help 

  

I really don't want this message to sound harsh, but it probably will come out that way. Your husband is a gambling addict. You and your kids get in the way of that. I'm sure there is more to it, but that's what it boils down to.  Also, it sounds like there has always been a "bad news excuse" for you to have problems in your marriage. My ex was like that. It was never his fault. It was because the dog died, or his mom was sick, or whatever.  I think your friends and family are right. make your plans and move on.  Your husband seems to take no accountability for his life or his own happiness. You can't do that for him.
 
January 29, 2006, 7:04 pm CST

Thank You Hon

Quote From: rv1978

There is still hope..  Even tho he is on medication there are ways to show him you are the person he fell in love with.  You should try and go out with girlfriends.  Make yourself beautiful and go out for a night of fun and excitement with the girls.  I see you are jealous when he talks to your dog, don't be.  At least he is starting to show some signs of life.  Another, please do not compare your marriage with others for we all are different.  You and your husband needs to establish one thing that is in common....  LOVE.  Once that is worked out then it should be a lot easier from there.  You need to talk to him.  If he gets on a defense try to find other ways to talk to him so you can avoid conflicts.  Send him a card telling him how much you miss his company and the way he makes you feel.  Tell him in detail the love you both shared.  But most of all, take some time for you and pretty yourself up and go out with the girls.  You need it.  I can also tell you are lacking positive attention for yourself.  Don't let that deal with your marriage.   

  

I believe your husband loves you but is lost with all the medicine he is taking.   

  

  

I want to thank you for answering my post. You made a lot of sense and made me feel better! I would go out with girlfriends but he would have a fit, he doesn't even like me to go out with my mom shopping. The card idea is very good. You hit the nail on the head about not getting positive attention. I just don't understand, this man was such a Romeo! He noticed and commented on every little part of me! I miss that. He says he notices now and thinks good thoughts but I say I can't read your mind. Tell me! Yes, we are all different but I just don't see that look of love in his eyes, actually he never looks at me and I look pretty durn good. I am 7 yrs. younger than him and fix myself up as he goes around not shaving and dirty. He is a good-looking man when cleaned up. Thank you again so very much, you are a wise young girl! And I really appreciated your answering me. 

 
January 30, 2006, 4:43 am CST

no traps

Quote From: steph124ny

I really don't want this message to sound harsh, but it probably will come out that way. Your husband is a gambling addict. You and your kids get in the way of that. I'm sure there is more to it, but that's what it boils down to.  Also, it sounds like there has always been a "bad news excuse" for you to have problems in your marriage. My ex was like that. It was never his fault. It was because the dog died, or his mom was sick, or whatever.  I think your friends and family are right. make your plans and move on.  Your husband seems to take no accountability for his life or his own happiness. You can't do that for him.

I need to let you know that we can feel trapped but we are not. 

If We allow ourselves to be degraded and can't function without approval then you are trapped. 

Its a hard thing to do but be strong for yourself and your children. 

Its obvious theres something going on with your husband but he has to see it before there will be any change. 

DON'T  let him convince you this is all your fault and STOP feeling sorry for him 

You are paving the way for his distruction and believe me some of us don't need help 

If he loves you he will see the errors of his ways 

Why woudl you have to get state help when he gambles he must make some kind of income and quess what he as a FATHER has a responsibility to his children and to you so again  

Chin up Hair staight back and make the man COWBOY UP TO HIS RESPONSIBILITY.  

 
January 30, 2006, 5:40 am CST

thrown to the trash

I just found out for sure last night my husband of almost 10 years is having an affair,  We have four precious boys.  He brought her to my house at a new years eve party and he was caught by a friend making out with his co-worker in my laundry room!!  I asked him then he seemed to have NO memory claiming he must have been drunk!  Since then he has not had anything but cold advances to me.  He wont even hug me.  He refused to take me to diner to talk.  Then five days ago he "suddenly" says "I'm not happy and I'm getting my own apartment".  It was a shock since he kept denying any involvement.  I feel so devestated that I dont know where to turn.  My boys are real upset.  He says he has to find himself (he's forty)  So I'm asking what do I do?  Do I wait for him while he sleeps around to find himself.  He says if I don't give him space, he'll leave anyway.  I will pretty much loose everyting when he leaves.  We are strapped at the moment.   I'm sooo lost,  I really love him,  but I know I'm just being a fool.  He's thinking with his "little Head" not the big one.!!!!  Please help.
 
January 30, 2006, 6:04 am CST

How many out there?

Are stuck in bad or dead marriges because they either can't afford to divorce or a divorce will leave them financally strapped?   

  

I know of at least 3 situations.  One the guy is in his early/mid 40's, has 2 kids he wants to put through college, a wife who won't have sex with him or clean the house which looks like a pigsty even though she doesn't work (and has a college education).  If he makes any comment about the condition of the house she gets mad at him.  He and the kids have tried to help with the house but it doesn't stay clean.  She insists she's not depressed and won't go to therapy.  He makes over $100,000 a year and fears she would take him to the cleaners and he won't be able to put the kids through college.  So he stays "for the kids sake till their out of the house" (yeah, right)  and has affairs .   

  

Another is in his early 60's.  Both he and his wife work, wife won't have sex with him, she has let herself go and is grossly overweight, she works also, but he is afraid of loosing financially to her in a divorce, being so close to retirement, but says he can't retire and stay home with her, it would drive him crazy.  He has had a series of girlfriends over the last 15-20 years.   

  

I'm married to a functional alcoholic whose weekend entertainment is watching TV, playing slot machines for points (not money) on the computer and drinking beer.  I want a life but I can't afford to leave as I have rental properties I'd have to split with him even though he's made no financial or sweat equity contribution towards them, because I found out my pre nup isn't worth the paper it's written on.  I'm looking for a part time job but nobody wants to pay anything to make it worth the taxes they take out.   

  

Is the devil you know really better than the devil you don't know?   

 
January 30, 2006, 6:46 am CST

I don't think you are being helpful at all

Quote From: steph124ny

I really don't want this message to sound harsh, but it probably will come out that way. Your husband is a gambling addict. You and your kids get in the way of that. I'm sure there is more to it, but that's what it boils down to.  Also, it sounds like there has always been a "bad news excuse" for you to have problems in your marriage. My ex was like that. It was never his fault. It was because the dog died, or his mom was sick, or whatever.  I think your friends and family are right. make your plans and move on.  Your husband seems to take no accountability for his life or his own happiness. You can't do that for him.
She is asking for help in a matter of love and her kids.  There are more to life then running away or just giving up.  One thing needs to be said here," We all in times need to stand up for ourselves and not let others interfere with the process."  It is not wise to run away when you are not ready, do you do that?  Do you run away then later on regret doing it?  I don't, therefore I don't regret much.  When I am good and tired of the problem and I have no more will to continue, no hope then that is when I will move on.  Until then, you must try to fix a problem.  When you say "I DO" to "the worst and good times, threw sickness and poor, till death" in our marriage vowels, do you mean what you say or do you just follow what others say?  I mean don't get me wrong here, if people agreed with you to marry the man you married, then I guess its alright for people to tell you to throw the towel in.  What I am trying to say here is, let your heart be the guide, please don't let what others influence you in making the right decision.  If you let them do that, you will live in regrets and not knowing what could of been.
 
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