Topic : 06/13 Trapped

I read a post that said "don't marry someone with children under 18 years old" I was in total disbelief of that comment! I DISAGREE with that completely!   

Let's see...that would be me.  You were smart to get out of an abusive marriage.  Another good reason why teenageres should not marry.  Something about can't see the forest for the trees...theory.   If my daughter were in your situation, I would have advised the same and worked like the dickens to get her away from the "bum" BEFORE any other children were added to the mix.  Better yet, I would have advised against marrying him in the first place. 

However.....I would also advise her not to "shack up" with a guy she corresponded with on the internet.  I don't care if she spoke to him every hour on the hour for 40 yrs.  Bad idea.  Sometimes women are their own worst enemies.  Did you say that after meeting him you went to live with him for a week or two?  Did I read that correctly?  Did you bring your children into an absolute strangers home?  I would have my daughters head examined.   

You admitted being a step parent isn't easy.....well go figure.  Why is that? 

Makes me wonder what his daughter and son are learning.   "Gee, why get married, just find some "honey" or "stud" to move in with his kids and we'll all be the Brady Bunch....and if it doesn't work out.....we'll just leave"     

You may decide things "together", as you say....and you also stated that you are the primary care giver as well as the primary parent that disciplines them.  Looks like your fiancee got a bargain with you.   Yes, his kids are almost grown.  Who is going to pay for college?  Well, dad I am sure is going to help out his kids.  You are the soon to be loving wife.   Have you looked at the cost of college tuition?   Herein, lies the dilemma of step parenting.  When money is involved....all things are up for grabs. 

The second woman on the show couldn't manage money, so her husband took the bull by the horns and took it away.  My advice to her would be...."get a job".   A woman's independence begins with her own money.   Her huband is a game player. and power hungry and knew how to push her buttons.  He also knew she was in debt to her eyebrows when he met her.   

I have read many posts on here that start out..."I was married at 16, 17, 18.....two kids later...he is abusive, addicted...he cheated on me...et al."     Then comes the sentence,...."I was a good wife...I kept a good home....raised the children...stayed home with them....et al"    Hmmm....perhaps if young girls finished high school first......learned "how" to do something...college...jojb training, etc.....then marriage....then children....abuse, adultery and addiction would not be paramount reason for tearing children's lives apart.   That way, she could leave the "deadbeat" and still be able to make a living.  Women in abusive relationships do not leave, because they did not afford themselves an education ahead of time, a manulative abuser knows this and runs with it, affecting her self=esteem. 

Women need to wise up.  Women chose the man.  Choose wisely. 

but I will tell you that if you haven't already ....Read Marriage Fitness.......I too have read all the books I could get my hands on.  this one did help and it gives you simple tips on how to help your marriage even if you are the only one trying to fix it...it made a big difference in my marriage.  Good Luck.... 

Before my husband and i married i was presented with a pre-nup, 4 days before the marriage, i was hurt and angry and stupid but because i loved him i signed the thing with out fully reading it. It leaves me with a small amount of money in comparision to what will be made during the marriage and half of the marital assests. Sounds good? Later reading it it states that each person shall be free to perchase free and clear of the other as if they were single any properties etc. so that leaves me with NO marrital assests! We have only one checking account together which he generously deposits $500.00 every two weeks which is for the use of groceries and household goods. He does pay all the bills. I do not work outside of the home and use my two childrens child support money for anything they need that that small amount of money can be used for, doctors visits, lunch money, clothes, gas for the car etc. He has four other checking accounts that i have no access to, we have no joint credit cards nothing. 

  I recently thought we were going to get a divorce and when i thought about how i would be able to leave the marriage i realized i couldn't. I had absolutely nothing! He has the only key to the house, my vehicle is in his name, the money he puts in the account for groceries does jut that, feeds a family of four. I talked to him about this and he seems to think that i have every thing.When we argue he will be like "well I bought that!" so even when i look around the house i see that nothing here is mine, nothing. what do i do???????? 

  brie 

When I watched the show on Trapped, I thought it sounded a lot like me and our situation.  I have been with this guy for 20 years.  We have a Parent, child, relationship.  I am the child.   He controls all the money.  I do have an income, not much, but it helps out.  I use it to buy groceries, and household items, plus pay the bills that I have incurred.  I try to please him and hopefully he won't be mad at me when he comes home from work.  But he gets mad at the drop of a hat, over little insignificant things.  

 I feel unloved, lonely, useless, and not worthy of his attention.  We have heated arguments and I usually say I will leave.  But he knows I am just threatening him, as I have no money and no where to go.  

 I got involved with church things and found it to be good for me as a positive influence in our life's.  I have learned how not to react to his verbal abuse and how to keep my tongue in check, but sometimes I flare up again with the nasty verbal stuff.  Our sex life is nothing, and wished it weren't that way.  I find it hard to relate to him and don't want to be criticized about our sexual relations.  I thought that, that area was good.  But I guess I was wrong. 

We do need help, I read all kinds of books and all of Dr. Phil's, but to get him too, is a different story.  How can it change, if only one person in the relationship is working on it??????  That is my question...I know I must change and have.  He tells me, he doesn't need to change as there is nothing wrong with him..  I married the perfect man, I guess..........LOL 

Before my husband and i married i was presented with a pre-nup, 4 days before the marriage, i was hurt and angry and stupid but because i loved him i signed the thing with out fully reading it. It leaves me with a small amount of money in comparision to what will be made during the marriage and half of the marital assests. Sounds good? Later reading it it states that each person shall be free to perchase free and clear of the other as if they were single any properties etc. so that leaves me with NO marrital assests! We have only one checking account together which he generously deposits $500.00 every two weeks which is for the use of groceries and household goods. He does pay all the bills. I do not work outside of the home and use my two childrens child support money for anything they need that that small amount of money can be used for, doctors visits, lunch money, clothes, gas for the car etc. He has four other checking accounts that i have no access to, we have no joint credit cards nothing. 

  I recently thought we were going to get a divorce and when i thought about how i would be able to leave the marriage i realized i couldn't. I had absolutely nothing! He has the only key to the house, my vehicle is in his name, the money he puts in the account for groceries does jut that, feeds a family of four. I talked to him about this and he seems to think that i have every thing.When we argue he will be like "well I bought that!" so even when i look around the house i see that nothing here is mine, nothing. what do i do???????? 

  brie 

I was in a similar situation last year.  My husband started an affair with his secretary, whom I had been friends with and had babysat our children.  I would later find out this was not her first affair, as a matter of fact, she married her current husband as the result of an affair on her previous husband.  Anyway, my husband also played dumb at first, claiming they were just friends who happened to be found drunk in a local parking lot at 2am by her husband.  Like you, I knew what was going on, but I wanted to save our family for my two young children, and also I still loved my husband.  I asked him repeatedly to stop breaking my heart, could we please work on our marriage with her out of the picture, etc. We went to counselling, which was of little help, because he became cold and distant, like you report.  Finally he admitted he loved her, and I couldn't live with that.  I went to stay with my parents while divising a plan to become a self-sufficient single mother.  I think the affair would have been painful enough, but being rejected as well is devastating.  It took months to get to a point where I would not cry at the drop of a hat.   The good news is that I did grow stronger, and I think my confidence actually rose higher than it had been during my marriage as a result of being more self-sufficient and realizing I could make it on my own. 

     Eventually, my husband did admit it was the biggest mistake of his life, and asked me to come back.  After some soul searching, and counselling, I decided to try it, figuring if it didn't work, I'd be back where I started anyway.  That's the point I'm at now.  I have been back home for about seven months, and I still can't honestly say if it will work out in the long run.  Of course my husband has poured out apologies, but my former perception of him has been shattered, along with much of my respect for him.  I am hoping that over time we (or actually I, since he seems fine) are able to heal more fully.  So I can't really say that trying to keep your marriage would necessarily be right or even desirable.  I know it would help you to be able to take some time for yourself to think about how you feel, and what you really want to happen.  When your husband has an affair, it changes your feelings about him, and I am starting to wonder if I shouldn't expect better for myself.  Maybe you should too.