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Topic : 06/27 Cut 'Em Off!

Number of Replies: 157
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Created on : Friday, January 27, 2006, 02:38:41 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 01/31/06) They can be young, they can be old. If they live in your house and spend all your hard-earned money -- they're moochers! First, Nancy and her four siblings are fed up with their mooching 21-year-old brother, Matt. He sleeps all day, has no job and depends on their father for all his expenses. They're concerned about the stress it's causing their dad. Can Dr. Phil convince Matt to set some goals for himself? Next, Pat, 49, says the only thing he has in common with his freeloading twin brother, Mike, is the roof over their heads! Can Pat get his twin on his own two feet before it destroys Pat's marriage? Plus, an update on the family of 13 all living in a trailer together. Who's the newest moocher? Join the discussion.

 

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June 28, 2006, 9:46 am CDT

To the sister/aunt of Matt:

Perhaps you could clarify an issue that was touched on, but never fully explained, in the show...  If Matt's mother (I understand this to be your deceased sister) left Matt money in an inheritance, trust, life insurance policy, WHATEVER, isn't that Matt's money?  The impression I got is that Matt has to beg for it to be doled out in increments, but that it is indeed HIS money he's spending, and not his father/grandfather's (he's just holding it in trust for him until he comes of age -- at WHAT age???).  Also, it was intimated by Matt that the father/grandfather also gives you and your siblings money or "financial help"; I hope it's not the money Matt's mother left for him?  Your objection to his getting it was that it was meant to be for his education, but maybe Matt doesn't want to go to college.  Even if he wants to just blow it on cars and beer, it's HIS money to blow.  Likewise the brother who's paying $400 in rent for nothing but a room in a house with a family; if he's paying rent, that's not "mooching."  Seems some people have control, greed, or jealousy issues vs. any sincere concern.
 
June 28, 2006, 3:56 pm CDT

Nephew won't grow up

I couldn't believe the story about Matt in the show. It is almost exactly the story of my husbnads nephew who is now 20 years old. My mother and father in-law have been taking care of him basically since he was born since his mom was 16 when she had him. They felt bad for the circumstances and so on. He's been living in grandma and grandpas house since he was little and is the first grandson and it seems the most prized posession at times. A few years ago Carl's (the 20 nephew) mom did move across town and my in-laws helped her buy a house to be on her own with her two sons. The 11 year old son is still with her and doing well. Carl was living with her for a while but didn't want to follow her rules since granmda usually gave into him and he wasn't used to having the law laid down. So... granmda and grandpa stepped in and said he could come live with them again. Since then they've found pot in his drawers(since he doesn't even clean his room or wash his clothes yet) and he's been in jail a few times to say the least. What they have done on top of that is talk to the judges and plea a pitty case on him and get him out of jail time more often.   

   

This is the topper for me. Two years ago we called to tell them the good news that we were expecting again(child #2 for us) and they didn't reply with your typical congratulations but with the announcement that oh yeah...Carl and his girlfriend are also pregnant. THEY WE'RE 16 and 17 AT THE TIME! They almost blew off our little announcement with how joyous they were over Carl having a baby.They have paid all the expences for him since his was small. He's qujit every job he's ever had ...because it was tooo hard! WAHHH!!! And he even quite a community college that they said he was doing well at. The thing that bugs me is that they lie to us about what is going on or lack of. They have said that he paid for college with some $3500 he won when in reality they paid for it and he has been using his $3500 for fun and ohhh yeah...the $50 in child support he pays a month. When my husband talked to him and told him to get off his butt and get a job to support his now 3 year old for once....he replied with ...I pay my $50 a month. Our mouthes dropped to the floor. He has no clue what anything costs because of them paying for everything all the time. He was shocked to learn that most people pay closer to $500 a month for child support. And...he thought it was because he has shared custody of her. He didn't even realize that $50 wouldn't even cover her diapers that she's still in. We've tried to ask about him all the time and push the issue of getting him out of their house and on with his life...nicely but we get this comment,"Carl IS grandma's baby ya know" and they all chuckle about it...nervously I might add! So here's my real issue. My two kids ages 6 and almost 3 are so over shadowed by Carl (20 years old) and now his daughter(their great-grandaughter age 3). My mother in law especially will drop everything to do whatever for them or even not come down to see us unless she has the both of them with her. In the 6 years my daughter has been alive ...they've come down twice to see her without the other grandkids and great -grandaughter who all live in their house or the same town. The first time we lived in another country so I was shocked they even came over with out HER BABY! My 6 year old daughter now comes home from visiting them and cries b/c she says grandma won't pay attention to her or won't stop playing with the great-grandaughter(Carl's girl) to play with her for a while. I don't want to keep my kids from their grandparents b/c I know they're important in their lives but I don't want to put my kids through this every time we go see them. My husband won't talk to them about it b/c that just not what you do in that family. If you don't talk there's no problem. He gets mad when I say he's scared to talk to his mother...but he is. No one wants to sit down and tell her she's enabling Carl's laziness and lack of motivation. They all joke that...yeah but grandma likes it that way! She wants to keep him close to her.    

   

The thing is that they don't get to see my kids a lot b/c we're two hours away. They see Carl and his daughter everyday...they live with them. And yet....when we do see them they can't say enough about them and can't basically shut up about all they do and don't even act remotly interested in my kids who so badly want attention from them. What do I do with this situation?! For now I've told my husband that if they want to come see the kids they are more then welcome...but that I would respectfully ask that they come ALONE...to see JUST MY KIDS FOR ONCE! My husband and I both know that if they can't bring everyone with them...they won't think the trip is worth the time so they won't come. It's causing a lot of frustration in our marriage now and I'm having a hard time keeping my mouth shut...I'm just about at my breaking point here. It seems I'm the only one who would be willing to get them together and have a meeting...(which by the way...they've all had family meetings before...only we weren't included on them) and tell them they're really not helping Carl....they enabling him and starting this whole cycle of kids having kids all over again...with first spoiling Carl beucase they felt guilty...now they're spoinling Alexis because they feel guilty once again! I'm waiting for the day they come to just spoil my kids because we did things the right way.  Or heck...spoil my kids because they're their grandkids too. Any helpful suggestion?!  

 
June 28, 2006, 8:35 pm CDT

06/27 Cut 'Em Off!

Quote From: jurjeioana

well, here's the blunt truth.. i was EXACTLY in the same situation; me being the "Moocher"..  
i couldn't get myself up to do ANYTHING, even though i was totally physically able,  and i had graduated from high school, and was 23 yrs. old.   I had NO motivation to find my own place, find a job, go back to school, etc.   Life was simpler with my [well-off parents providing EVERYTHING...

well, turns out talking to my Doc., that we discover i have TYPE II Attention Defecit Disorder:   a type of a.d.d. in which the person is very spacey, unmotivated, and to them it honestly feels like beginning any task involving any amount of energy is too much of a strain; mental and/or physical.   Even taking a short walk was like asking me to jog a mile.   I knew i WASN'T LAZY..  every morning i had very high aspirations of starting an exercise routine, studying, reading, etc.   i usually had my mental schedule "booked" for the day.   But I ended up doing nothing hardly, except eating and "bumming around".   I know in my experience once i was given a medication by my doc (amphetamine-sulfate to be exact),  what i accomplished and what i actually did to become independent and financially more motivated all increased a MILLION times.
 

MY TV watching time went from 5 hrs. a day to 1 hour or less a day.  my desire to party or drink alcohol disappeared.   my exercise routine went from 20 mins. a day of walking to 1-2 hours of yoga a day(!).   and my passion and motivation for my massage therapy career, as well as my actual skill and ability to do my job, increased a million times.    I used to sleep to 12 PM daily..   after medication, i had trouble sleeping past  8AM!!   this is not to mention also my reading time and studies went from 1-2 a week to 2hrs.+ a day!! 

  

i believe this type of lack of motivation is not laziness half the time...  It is a dopamine deficiency..   what drive would someone have to be independent, successful, and active, if your brain keeps telling you there's no reward or anything else worth putting that kind of energy into.. cause with type II a.d.d., the person's brain does not give the neuroelectrical 'You're doing good in Life' signal that a healthy brain gives when the person drives themselves to be their best in life.  I know from experience that this 'lack of dopamine' in the brain didn't make ANYthing worth doing. 

  

i'm not saying this is the ONLY cause of this life condition. but it's one of the most common and overlooked.  

I agree.  In fact, I was kind of wondering if Matt had the disorder himself, along with some type of comorbid personality disorder being reflected from his lack of maturity and sense of entitlement. 

I didn't move out of my parents' home until I was 22, whereas my sisters moved out at 18 and 19. 

I'm 26 now, and I found out recently that I may have had ADD, and my counseling appointments confirmed that (my counselor just doesn't know yet whether it's inattentive, hyperactive, or a bit of both). 

You are right: with ADD, there are parts of the brain that are in charge of concentration, motivation, time perception, and other things that just doesn't work without some form of stimulation.  People with ADD often face a lot of criticism, being accused of being lazy, stupid, or crazy, when in reality, there's a "lazy" part of their brain that's not pulling its weight. 

Depression can be another factor when it comes to the desire to mooch and not want to do anything. 

...but alas, as Dr. Phil always says, you can't change what you don't acknowledge.  Matt, of course, according to his sister who posted here not too long ago, hasn't changed at all, and on some levels, doesn't see what he's doing as a problem. 

If the father really has changed, then the father needs to set some hard boundaries with some harsh consequences.  Another Dr. Phil saying: you choose the action, you choose the consequences.  There is a complete lack of accountability on Matt's part, and there are no enforced consequences. 
 
June 28, 2006, 8:38 pm CDT

06/27 Cut 'Em Off!

Quote From: jurjeioana

he's proabably taking the wrong drugs.  if he's so unmotivated, then he needs to get off the street drugs and go to the doc. and get presc. stimulants.  if he has an addictive personality, then they need to be given once a day, possessed by family member.    the wrong drugs can make you not want to leave the couch for days.  the right 'motivating' drugs, given correctly, can make life take off on the Wings of Eagles.
Seconded.

Often people will self-medicate on stuff that has the opposite effect.

For example, someone with depression or bipolar disorder in a depressed state may drink a lot.  Alcohol is a depressant, not a stimulant. 

On the other hand, people with ADD/ADHD may drink a lot, or smoke pot.  Again, depressants, when stimulants are needed.

Now, I'm not saying this person should go out and snort some coke (which is a stimulant, BTW).  I'm simply agreeing with you, that they should see a doctor and be prescribed with something that will help.
 
June 28, 2006, 8:58 pm CDT

MOTHER MOOCHER

Much talk about kids and siblings who are- what about a parent????   

I can understand the steps and thoughts on a child as moocher and how we must be the parent.  But the issue is NOT the same when it is a parent and needs to be dealt differently.   

  

My husband's divorced mother is basically a mooch.  Early in our relationship it was not an issue for us as she lived out of state and he had not much to spare anyway.   

  

Fast forward-I started to hear her stating at how she could not afford to visit (she is out of state) or was going to be late on rent.  We did not send money.  Then her medical problems caused issues with keeping her job.  She had one but it was not easy and had bad hours.  After birth of our child she moved in to help watch the baby and that was great.  We worked ALOT and she helped out tremendously.  She had a room, a car to drive, we paid medical ins, and gave some cash.   

  

Then my eyes were opened.  There were complaints about money and none of it was her fault- an ex -another family member was a mooch themselves on her- etc.  Past few years :  She was living in her own place and driving a car provided by one of her kids.  She would live with one of her kids.  Some rent would be paid by a family member if living on her own.  her ex would send her money when she complained.  She travels when someone else pays.  Yes most of the time she had a job but still did this.  These days she is trying to claim disability though is able to do some work (maybe not what she used to do but hey is still employable)...She is not even retirement age!           

  

These days she moved back "home" with another child and moved again since there.  This is due to the fact she pmroised to get a job to help with rent and expenses and did not.  She ended up leaving there but yet again with a family member but just not her kids.  We still hear the complaints with money since she has no income and now the lack of medical/drug ins as well (and she is one who really needs it with her medical issues).   

  

We are not contributing these days though we have a little to spare.  But someone always is in this family. 

  

What is one to do?  

 
June 29, 2006, 10:45 am CDT

Response

Quote From: naturesgir

Perhaps you could clarify an issue that was touched on, but never fully explained, in the show...  If Matt's mother (I understand this to be your deceased sister) left Matt money in an inheritance, trust, life insurance policy, WHATEVER, isn't that Matt's money?  The impression I got is that Matt has to beg for it to be doled out in increments, but that it is indeed HIS money he's spending, and not his father/grandfather's (he's just holding it in trust for him until he comes of age -- at WHAT age???).  Also, it was intimated by Matt that the father/grandfather also gives you and your siblings money or "financial help"; I hope it's not the money Matt's mother left for him?  Your objection to his getting it was that it was meant to be for his education, but maybe Matt doesn't want to go to college.  Even if he wants to just blow it on cars and beer, it's HIS money to blow.  Likewise the brother who's paying $400 in rent for nothing but a room in a house with a family; if he's paying rent, that's not "mooching."  Seems some people have control, greed, or jealousy issues vs. any sincere concern.

For the record, Matt's mom is still alive.  The money was an insurance policy on my mother ( my father was the benificiary) that was to be used for Matt if he wanted to go to school or when he got married.  It was NOT to be used for daily living since he is old enough to support himself.  My parent's did help all of us kids when it came to school and first houses, etc.  They did not, nor are they now supporting us in our daily living.  Why should this money be used for Matt to party on and waste?  Why not just burn it?  When does the supporting end, when the money runs out?   If Matt doesn't want to go to college that is fine but the least thing he could do is get a job.  I liked you comment about blowing his money on beer and cars, so can I give him your number to call when the money is gone and there is no one to give him money anymore? 

 
June 30, 2006, 8:50 am CDT

Thanks for clarifying...

Quote From: naturesgir

Perhaps you could clarify an issue that was touched on, but never fully explained, in the show...  If Matt's mother (I understand this to be your deceased sister) left Matt money in an inheritance, trust, life insurance policy, WHATEVER, isn't that Matt's money?  The impression I got is that Matt has to beg for it to be doled out in increments, but that it is indeed HIS money he's spending, and not his father/grandfather's (he's just holding it in trust for him until he comes of age -- at WHAT age???).  Also, it was intimated by Matt that the father/grandfather also gives you and your siblings money or "financial help"; I hope it's not the money Matt's mother left for him?  Your objection to his getting it was that it was meant to be for his education, but maybe Matt doesn't want to go to college.  Even if he wants to just blow it on cars and beer, it's HIS money to blow.  Likewise the brother who's paying $400 in rent for nothing but a room in a house with a family; if he's paying rent, that's not "mooching."  Seems some people have control, greed, or jealousy issues vs. any sincere concern.
It wasn't made clear on the show what the terms of this "money for Matt" were.  My point was that if indeed Matt is legally entitled to this money, it's simply none of your business what he does with it, however foolish.  It also doesn't sound like the terms of his inheriting it were made especially clear (when he marries?  hope he doesn't rush into a marriage to get it).  I agree that he should go to school and/or get a job, but that's not really in your power to control.  If your dad helped all of you (in "x" amount) and Matt is considered another sibling as you say, he should also get "x" amount, to be fair; more if there's money set aside especially for him by your mother.  Unfortunately, at 21, he's free to make his own choices with his own money; when it runs out, he'll probably be magically motivated to get a job.  Sounds like there's a lot of confusion as to whose money it is and who has the right to decide what's done with it; also sounds like you're afraid there won't be any left for you?  I thought he seemed like a sweet and good kid and a comfort to your dad.  Hope it all works out ok.
 
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