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Topic : 06/27 Cut 'Em Off!

Number of Replies: 157
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Created on : Friday, January 27, 2006, 02:38:41 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 01/31/06) They can be young, they can be old. If they live in your house and spend all your hard-earned money -- they're moochers! First, Nancy and her four siblings are fed up with their mooching 21-year-old brother, Matt. He sleeps all day, has no job and depends on their father for all his expenses. They're concerned about the stress it's causing their dad. Can Dr. Phil convince Matt to set some goals for himself? Next, Pat, 49, says the only thing he has in common with his freeloading twin brother, Mike, is the roof over their heads! Can Pat get his twin on his own two feet before it destroys Pat's marriage? Plus, an update on the family of 13 all living in a trailer together. Who's the newest moocher? Join the discussion.

 

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January 31, 2006, 9:34 am CST

pack his bags and put then on the porch

Quote From: astrain

 

I am at the end of my rope.  My son is 35 years old and lives at home.  He helps very little around the house and when he has a job, he does not spendhis money responsibly.  He has a 4 years old child who is he supposed to pay $362 per month child support, but he knows if he doesnt pay it that I will because I dont want to see the child suffer.  99% of the time I pay the child support. He says" dont pay the support" but I know if I dont it wont get paid and the law will be coming to my house.  What makes it worse is that I retired from our local Social Services as the Child Support Supervisor, and have a son who is a dead beat dad.  I cant stand the embarassment of anyone knowing the doesnt pay his support, so I pay it.   My husband died 8 years ago and left me some money and for some reason my son feels he should share in that money.  I furnish him with a place to live, food, clothing and spending money.  I have the responsibility to get him to and from work because he doesnt have a driver's licence.  (Three DWIs)   

 

I have given him money to move out and he spent it on other things.  WHAT AM I TO DO???? 

 

it is clear that you are the one that doesn't expect very much out of your son nor do you think very highly of him since you continue to support him. if my mom thought so little of me that she would continue to support me the way you do your son, that would hurt me more than anything.  

  

you have to let him suffer the consequences or he will never learn to care for himself. that includes having the DA come after him for child support. That does not mean that you cannot work with your granddaughter's mom to help where you can, but don't pay his child support for him.  

  

you'd be amazed what he can do if you stop treating him like he is a baby and expect him to be a man.  

 
January 31, 2006, 9:46 am CST

Let go!

Quote From: astrain

 

I am at the end of my rope.  My son is 35 years old and lives at home.  He helps very little around the house and when he has a job, he does not spendhis money responsibly.  He has a 4 years old child who is he supposed to pay $362 per month child support, but he knows if he doesnt pay it that I will because I dont want to see the child suffer.  99% of the time I pay the child support. He says" dont pay the support" but I know if I dont it wont get paid and the law will be coming to my house.  What makes it worse is that I retired from our local Social Services as the Child Support Supervisor, and have a son who is a dead beat dad.  I cant stand the embarassment of anyone knowing the doesnt pay his support, so I pay it.   My husband died 8 years ago and left me some money and for some reason my son feels he should share in that money.  I furnish him with a place to live, food, clothing and spending money.  I have the responsibility to get him to and from work because he doesnt have a driver's licence.  (Three DWIs)   

 

I have given him money to move out and he spent it on other things.  WHAT AM I TO DO???? 

 

It is called letting go!  I have a responsibility to my children, but I am not responsible for my children.  It is not my responsiblitity to pay their child support - it is theirs, and if they do not, then they have to be responsible for their actions or lack of.   I doubt the child will suffer.  There are laws about non payment of support and I am sure your son knows them better then you!  Why should he pay it as long as he knows you will?  You should not be embarrased for someone else's actions.  Again, it is not your responsibility to get him to and from work.  It is his!  If he doesn't get to work and looses this job and you quit giving him money, I promise you he will get another job and find a way to get to and from work!  Again, as long as you are going to fix everything for him, he doesn't have to do anything!  Let go and let him be responsible for his own actions.  It is called tough love!  I have been there.  I have seen my son in and out of jail more times than I care to remember for DWI and it was not easy to leave him there - but I did.  He also found a way to and from work when he got out because he couldn't drive either.  So they can do you - you just have to let them.  Good luck to you!   ((((((Hugs))))) fdragonfly
 
January 31, 2006, 10:17 am CST

I agree with the first 2 replies

Quote From: serolod

I am obviously no expert like Dr. Phil, but I respectfully disagree with some of the issues raised here today.  Maybe I am too wrapped up in  my daughter (who is my only child), but with her getting ready to leave for college this fall, there would be no way I could ever call her a "moocher" if she came back home.  I love my daugther unconditionally and without question.  She is a pleasure to be around, very responsible and very considerate of others.  She is going to be so missed and I would welcome the chance to have her home again.  To call your child a "moocher" and want them out of the house is something I cannot even imagine.  I guess I don't have the terrible situation some of the families do, but I always want my child to know there is no place more welcoming or safe than her home. 

I agree with the first two replies to your post, but I want to emphasize one other thing. One reply mentioned that children 'NEED to make a good life of their own". So true. But it's your job as a parent to raise your children so they have the skills necessary to do that. With some kids, that means giving them a boot in the backside because, like many people, they will only do something if they feel it's necessary. It's your job to make it necessary. 

  

By all means, make your home a welcoming and safe place. But your daughter should want to make a welcoming and safe place of her own. 

  

It doesn't sound like you're going to have a problem. If your daughter is as responsible and considerate as you say, she most likely will go out on her own because she'll want to make her own life. It's part of her responsibility to herself. 

  

 
January 31, 2006, 10:35 am CST

01/31 Cut 'Em Off!

 This kid really irritates me. He is the reason why so many people my age (20's) are seen as spoiled and indulged. Why should he get a job? He's got it made, party money, sleeping late, transportation, free gas all from daddy. Anyone with any ambition or plans of returning to school or working  can see that is a very unfulfilling life. He complains about his family getting him a trailer and he complains how much he hates it well you know what? If you want something better EARN IT. It has way more value that way. Thats how our parents started out so that is how you should start out, a little hard work never killed anyone. I would be miserable if all I did was sit, sleep, and party. Besides it would get boring after a while.

I left my new job after college in a huge city due to safety reasons (I lived in a dangerous neighborhood and nearly got attacked and was robbed but I couldnt afford to live anywhere else better) and my BF's parents were kind enough to let me live in thier attic apartment. I am currently applying for jobs daily, pay them a little money for expenses (I flat out refuse to live anywhere for free if I can help it), cook, clean and do what I can to be productive and proactive and I still feel lazy even though I'm not.

His dad (grandfather) is teaching him nothing about responsibility, and when he does get up off his butt into the real world I think he's in for a rude awakening.
 
January 31, 2006, 10:46 am CST

Your help is no favor

Quote From: astrain

 

I am at the end of my rope.  My son is 35 years old and lives at home.  He helps very little around the house and when he has a job, he does not spendhis money responsibly.  He has a 4 years old child who is he supposed to pay $362 per month child support, but he knows if he doesnt pay it that I will because I dont want to see the child suffer.  99% of the time I pay the child support. He says" dont pay the support" but I know if I dont it wont get paid and the law will be coming to my house.  What makes it worse is that I retired from our local Social Services as the Child Support Supervisor, and have a son who is a dead beat dad.  I cant stand the embarassment of anyone knowing the doesnt pay his support, so I pay it.   My husband died 8 years ago and left me some money and for some reason my son feels he should share in that money.  I furnish him with a place to live, food, clothing and spending money.  I have the responsibility to get him to and from work because he doesnt have a driver's licence.  (Three DWIs)   

 

I have given him money to move out and he spent it on other things.  WHAT AM I TO DO???? 

 

You are enabling your son! I would go with him to find an apartment and then you pay the first and last months rent(deposit) let's say for March or April (no longer) and then he has to be out by then and into the aparment. He has a job so I would find something for March. He'll have to live near work or arrange his own transportation. This is the biggest favor you could ever do for him. Just change the locks on your doors on the 1st. You can always give the child's mother some extra cash to help her but the cycle will continue as long as you protect him from the consequences of his actions. He may have to take an extra part-time job but it is his responsibility. If he has an alcohol problem,you can go to Al-Anon for help in letting go of what is his responsibility. He can get a friend to drive him to work. If he gets his wages garnished for support or whatever that is his responsibility. Don't give him money to move out -but pay the first and last months rent on an apartment even if he doesn't go with you, then set the date to be out and stick with it. Change your locks then.
 
January 31, 2006, 11:05 am CST

This infuriates me!!!!

I am 23 years old and would never ever think of mooching off of my parents. I love and respect them too much!!!! The word that comes to mind as mean as it may be is losers!!!! 

We were not wealthy at times we only got by, but I got out and made my own way and it is time for these losers to do the same!!!!! Stop handing to them, you'd be doing them a bigger favor by teaching them to fend for themselves. 

"give a man a fish he eats for a day, teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime" 

 
January 31, 2006, 11:35 am CST

01/31 Cut 'Em Off!

Quote From: serolod

I am obviously no expert like Dr. Phil, but I respectfully disagree with some of the issues raised here today.  Maybe I am too wrapped up in  my daughter (who is my only child), but with her getting ready to leave for college this fall, there would be no way I could ever call her a "moocher" if she came back home.  I love my daugther unconditionally and without question.  She is a pleasure to be around, very responsible and very considerate of others.  She is going to be so missed and I would welcome the chance to have her home again.  To call your child a "moocher" and want them out of the house is something I cannot even imagine.  I guess I don't have the terrible situation some of the families do, but I always want my child to know there is no place more welcoming or safe than her home. 

I understand your thoughts but I think Dr. Phil is addressing a different group altogether.  

  

Your daughter is going off to school to get an education and will come home often in the next four years to visit and enjoy being with you. That's not mooching.  

 
January 31, 2006, 11:38 am CST

Living off the dole? BEWARE of BACKLASH

My husband has mooched off his own family for years through their generousity and the family business.  When we were married, they began giving us a monthy stipend.  I finally put a stop to it.  I kept asking him, "Don't you have any pride?"  He expects them to give us certain things.  It is disgusting.  When I have told them they are too generous, they reply, "You can't take money to your grave."  "I might as well see you enjoy it while I'm alive."  I am embarrassed by this mentality, and his family holds it in high regard.  "Don't look a gift-horse in the mouth," my in-laws say.  What is the problem?  My husband has learned not to work for anything he desires.  He either got it for free through his business, bartered it, or bought it, even though he couldn't afford it if he wanted it bad enough.  It made him feel like he fit in with his more affluent college friends, and that with all his hard work; he deserved it anyway; i.e.. he has a country club membership as a single.  His father passed away almost a year ago, and left us and his widow with a mess to clean up.  My husband has given up on trying to keep the business going.  He is just sick of things not going his way.  What really happened?  What you perceive, is not necessarily reality.  The school of "hard knocks" has entered like a bull.  I am afraid this will have a domino affect on my life in the future with my husband and children.  He has no interest in saving for the kids college, our retirement (key word "our"), or the future weddings of our four daughters.  He is only interested in his own needs.  It is sad, but I don't wonder why.  I have my own personal pride.  He has none.  Anyone have a similar experience?
 
January 31, 2006, 11:41 am CST

Recommended budget book on 1/31/06 show

What was the name of the recommended book which dealt with setting up your personal budget?  The author is a lady and she was on the 1/31/06 program.  Thanks.
 
January 31, 2006, 12:02 pm CST

01/31 Cut 'Em Off!

Quote From: tangomango

Dr. Phil....I wish that my brother could have been on the show today!  He is such a big moocher.  He is 34, divorced, on drugs and still living at home.  My family would never want to come on the show although I have often thought about calling in myself.  I just get so upset with him sometimes because he takes all of my parents money and he doesn't hold a job.  Everything you said today is so true about love is letting them move to the next stage in life.  And my parents think they are loving him, but they are only hurting him!!! 

                                                                                      -Truly Concerned 

I know exactly how you feel..... there is no way my family would want to "air" their dirty laundry on national tv...... And I have wanted to confront this issue, and have thought that Dr. Phil would be the best way. My grandmother has lost so much financially and physically by taking care of my brother. She complains, yet everytime his troubles come around (like being in jail) she runs to his rescue!! She knows he spends his money on drugs and alcohol, and with her footing the bill, he works just enough to have PARTY cash! What's even worse, is i tuly believe he feels he isn't doing anything wrong! It truly is sad!  

                                                       VERY AGGRIVATED SISTER 

  

 
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