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Topic : 06/27 Cut 'Em Off!

Number of Replies: 157
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Created on : Friday, January 27, 2006, 02:38:41 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 01/31/06) They can be young, they can be old. If they live in your house and spend all your hard-earned money -- they're moochers! First, Nancy and her four siblings are fed up with their mooching 21-year-old brother, Matt. He sleeps all day, has no job and depends on their father for all his expenses. They're concerned about the stress it's causing their dad. Can Dr. Phil convince Matt to set some goals for himself? Next, Pat, 49, says the only thing he has in common with his freeloading twin brother, Mike, is the roof over their heads! Can Pat get his twin on his own two feet before it destroys Pat's marriage? Plus, an update on the family of 13 all living in a trailer together. Who's the newest moocher? Join the discussion.

 

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January 31, 2006, 12:11 pm CST

You must "Let Go and Let God"

Quote From: zapatasred

You are enabling your son! I would go with him to find an apartment and then you pay the first and last months rent(deposit) let's say for March or April (no longer) and then he has to be out by then and into the aparment. He has a job so I would find something for March. He'll have to live near work or arrange his own transportation. This is the biggest favor you could ever do for him. Just change the locks on your doors on the 1st. You can always give the child's mother some extra cash to help her but the cycle will continue as long as you protect him from the consequences of his actions. He may have to take an extra part-time job but it is his responsibility. If he has an alcohol problem,you can go to Al-Anon for help in letting go of what is his responsibility. He can get a friend to drive him to work. If he gets his wages garnished for support or whatever that is his responsibility. Don't give him money to move out -but pay the first and last months rent on an apartment even if he doesn't go with you, then set the date to be out and stick with it. Change your locks then.

Hi- 

Please stop paying his bills.  The child will survive!   Don't pay his child support.  If he goes to jail - he goes to jail.  If you haven't reached that spiritual level yet of letting go and letting God I encourage to do so.  I have 3 sons, all adults now and finally growing into maturity and I promise you they only began to grow when we let go and let God.  All the rest will fall into place.  This son of your's will keep draining you for as long as you let him.  Good luck and God Bless. 

 <>< Sarah De 

 
January 31, 2006, 1:16 pm CST

A severed depressed brother living with us

Dr. Phil, 

 

 

I am starting a new life, I am engaged and plan to marry soon. But my fiancé suggested to his family that his brother will be better in South Carolina, rather than in Michigan where his parents and his brother live. The brother studied Bus. Law, he is 34 years old, he lost his driver’s license almost 10 years ago because of drinking and driving.  I accepted to have him for one or two months at the most, so he can look for a job(s), earn some money, rent a place, and live by his own. But in the meantime he suffered from a severe depression. I knew that he had depression, but not at this very high degree, that he was hospitalized.  Now it has been 3 months that he has been living with us and I have taken the role of the mother & the nurse. My fiancé has been so stressed that has affected our relationship and soon his job, not mentioning that we have any privacy. I think I had gone to extremes to make him decide between his brother and me. Fortunately, he chooses me, but he answers that if we will just kick him out of the house and take away the opportunity of being a lawyer and someone here.  My fiancé takes him to work everyday, he won’t take the bus. He is not social at all; he only waits for his brother to come to talk and someday to take him out. My fiancé won’t do or tell him anything because he is afraid that he will get more depressed and commit something bad… He could be hours sitting down without doing anything or sleeping the whole day because of his disease of severe depression, we have to hide every alcoholic beverage, and tell him what to do. 

I don’t want to get marry being at this situation (and to “marry” his brother also!), and my fiancé is worried that in the future if his parents are gone, who will take care of his brother, sounds that I am the mean one of the story.  And if I will just leave him because I won’t be willing to take care of his brother. He is not a person that I will like to live around my children.  

What do I do? I love my fiancé, but he is an extremely good brother and taking the role of their parents. 

Thanks so much for any help or advice.  

  

 

  

 

 
January 31, 2006, 1:23 pm CST

if i can, you can

okay i am a seventeen yea old girl that has been out of my mothers house for over a year now. I left my mothers home shortly after i found out that i was having a child. For me to move back into my mothers house i would condsider myself a mooch. I am perfectly capable of takeing care of myself and my family. anyone that dont have health or mental problems to where they cant make it on there own should not have any problems of being on your own. You all are talking about people in there prime who can not do this but i have done this for more than a year now. I have a child and i take care of her on my own because the father left me. and yet i still have not moved back in with my mother. times get hard and i get stronger. No one pays my bills for me or tells me how i can live. So i say this to you all, if i can do this you people in your prime can as well.
 
January 31, 2006, 1:30 pm CST

01/31 Cut 'Em Off!

Quote From: atlswan

I understand your thoughts but I think Dr. Phil is addressing a different group altogether.  

  

Your daughter is going off to school to get an education and will come home often in the next four years to visit and enjoy being with you. That's not mooching.  

i completly agree with you. leaving and going to college nad coming home for a visit is nothing like the moochers dr. phil is talking about.  your daughter mooching would be if she drops out from school, comes home to live with you and refuses to get a job or help out at all. now she is mooching
 
January 31, 2006, 1:31 pm CST

Mooching stepdaughter

I married the father of a 24 year old moocher.  He is a big-time enabler and I'm trying my best to get him to see it.  His daughter lives in one of his rental homes, although she pays no rent.  Her car was bought by him 3 years ago and she is asking for another.  She lives there with her unemployed boyfriend and they have a 4 year old son and a daughter on the way.  My husband hands her money whenever she demands it.  She doesn't ask because she feels she deserves it. 

And as it turns out, it is 4-7 times a week.  I tell him to quit handing her money because it does nothing to help her, he thinks it does.  Their electric bill is always 2 months late, and the only other bill is car insurance.  She won't hold a job because it's easier to ask everyone else for money (her boyfriend is the same way).  It seems that I'm the only one who thinks she needs to be responsible for the family she created and quit expecting everyone to take care of them. She knows better than to come to me for money.  Real life is going to hit her hard one day and she won't be able to handle it. 

 
January 31, 2006, 1:44 pm CST

The basic problem is...

You people treated your kids too well...now if you had treated them the way my father treated his kids, you wouldn't have worried about them ever coming back to live with you. That is one way to raise independent children!
 
January 31, 2006, 2:01 pm CST

Cried myself to sleep over this last night.

My son married at the age of 19, his wife and her family gave him a job, a car and a home. She worked 3 jobs to maintain the lifestyle only to come home and find the bum had quit his job and was lying around the house partying with his friends. She yelled, he pushed her and it was all over. I allowed him back home several times only to find myself at the police department getting a restraining order to have his lazy arse removed from my home. 

 

Fast forward: 

 

He is now 33 years old, he has never held a job more then a month, only now he's living back home with his girlfriend, her two kids and their baby in MY house. STILL NO JOB! I have moved away to Dallas now and they are living off my mothers Social Security check (who can't even afford a candy bar because they are costing her every cent she has) and the childrens $50.00 a week child support payment from her two other children. I'm so ashamed and embarassed. He's a drunk, a pot smoker and even charged me in the past to take out his own garbage.  

 

For the record: 

 

If it weren't for those children I would kick his butt to the moon, however as long as they are living there he will never move and she is willing to work but he will not allow it because he is incapable of taking care of his OWN baby while she works.  

 

I pay the mortgage, the water, the sewer and all the taxes and insurance on that house. My mother pays the gas and electric, cable tv and phone and she's broke! 

 

PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!! I'm living a nightmare. 

 
January 31, 2006, 2:03 pm CST

Whew Who is The Parent!

Quote From: mensan

You people treated your kids too well...now if you had treated them the way my father treated his kids, you wouldn't have worried about them ever coming back to live with you. That is one way to raise independent children!

I am With You!!! Sounds Like The PARENT needs To Grow Up!! 

TudderBug 

 
January 31, 2006, 2:08 pm CST

Not Funny To Me

Maybe it's just me, but I did not find that first guy "Matt" very amusing or cute at all. His father is clearly an older widowed gentleman, and his daughter mentioned that he has health problems. I think Matt is completely taking advantage of him, and the fact that he is bringing strangers into the home at all hours of the night sounds like a complete disregard for his well-being. It sounds pretty dangerous to me, actually.

I look at Matt and his ability to sleep all day  and watch TV all night, and I think about some of our service men in Iraq and Afghanistan right now. They are his same age, if not younger, and I am sure they'd give anything to be able to sleep til noon and hang out all night. If he really has no direction and no idea what he should do, perhaps he should consider joining a branch of the military or the reserves.
 
January 31, 2006, 2:11 pm CST

Family turmoil!

My whole family needed to be on this show.  My 21 year old brother is currently living with my grandma (my dad's mother). He has not worked in 5 months,  and before then he was only working about 20 hours a week. He has NEVER held a full time job - he barely even graduated from high school.  His lifestyle is so unhealthy .... he sleeps all day, stays out all night, and has gained about 50 lbs since he graduated.  My grandma has good intentions, but is completely enabling him.  She insists that she is not giving him anything but food and a place to live, but somehow he has a car, insurance on his car, a cell phone, gas money, and money to go out with friends.  He has no job, NO savings, and owes everyone money.  He constantly lies, saying that he has job interviews, that he is actively looking for a job, that he doesn't go out to the bars .... and I know for a fact that 90% of what he says is untrue.  He's been in trouble with the police for a DUI and possession of a small amout of pot as well. 

To make matters worse, my family plays the blame game.  My mother blames my Grandma for enabling him, but my Grandma insists that she was just trying to help my brother because he was unhappy living with my mom.  My brother and my mom had a tough few years while he was in high school and junior high ... lots of fighting, some police calls, etc.  My grandma likes to think she rescued him from my mom.   Really, it has been the worst thing for him.  My grandma won't admit that she is enabling him, and sometimes she even lies for him.  Her children have tried talking to her, but she just won't listen.  And since my mom and Grandma don't get along, they are unable to work together for the best interests of my brother ... they spend more time blaming each other.   My dad just kind of sits on the sidelines (my parents are divorced), occasionally trying to help but never really taking the initiative to make things better.  Everyone that cares about my brother is afraid that because he is somewhat depressed, that forcing him to be on his own will just push him over the edge.  I think everyone needs to get a grip, stop tip-toeing around him, and give him support but STOP giving him money.   

My mother and I agree about what needs to be done, but she needs to get over her differences with my grandma to make this work.  My grandma needs to stop enabling my brother .... but this has been on-going for the past 2 years .... and no one is changing anything.  I'm at a loss and would hate to see my brother live the rest of his life unhappy and thinking that he is worthless because he never accomplished anything (but could have if given some guidance). 

 
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