My mother and stepfather had three sons. I lived with them from about age 8 until my stepfather booted me out when I was 18, and I have supported myself through thick and thin ever since. My brothers are another story entirely. My stepfather passed away in 2003 and the oldest and youngest boys (43 and 39 years old, respectively) were living with their parents then, as they always had. My mom remarried in January, 2004, sold the family home and told the boys they were on their own. She then passed away suddenly and unexpectedly in August of that year.
My stepfather was psychologically abusive, and my mother passive - and these young men had every bit of self-confidence worn out of them, while at the same time they were enabled to remain at home. I believe that their complete absence of self-confidence and self-worth are largely the contributing factor to their inability to support themselves. The youngest brother has suffered the most - becoming reclusive and withdrawn from the world, relying on the little bit of inheritance my mother left him to live in a residence motel with his oldest brother, who to his credit is now employed full time by the motel.
The dynamics in this family were ugly and destructive, and I feel so fortunate and blessed to have escaped from it in time to become a fully self-reliant adult. My heart aches for these men who have little hope of living full, joyous, and complete lives because of the abuse they suffered in their childhood. The middle brother was able to stand on his own, get married, and live a relatively normal life, but he also fears for what will happen to the youngest sibling when his inheritance runs out.
I'm sharing this as a cautionary tale for you parents who believe the best way to love your children is to let them live with you with no accountability or responsibilities. You are setting them up for failure; both economically and socially. You are being selfish in your unwillingness to turn them out of the nest to become members of society - to live lives that are fulfilling and rewarding on their own merits. You need to face the reality that you will not live forever, and if you do not give your children the tools to become independent, they will truly suffer in unimaginable ways when you are gone.
Support your children - absolutely! But do it in ways that encourage, edify, and uplift them so that they can achieve all that you dream of for them, and all that they dream of for themselves. Teach them to dream - and guide them toward making those dreams come true. Show them the value of a dollar earned, for there is no value learned in a free ride.
(Original Air Date: 01/31/06) They can be young, they can be old. If they live in your house and spend all your hard-earned money -- they're moochers! First, Nancy and her four siblings are fed up with their mooching 21-year-old brother, Matt. He sleeps all day, has no job and depends on their father for all his expenses. They're concerned about the stress it's causing their dad. Can Dr. Phil convince Matt to set some goals for himself? Next, Pat, 49, says the only thing he has in common with his freeloading twin brother, Mike, is the roof over their heads! Can Pat get his twin on his own two feet before it destroys Pat's marriage? Plus, an update on the family of 13 all living in a trailer together. Who's the newest moocher? Join the discussion.
