Hi Dr. Phil
I think there's a whole element you haven't hit upon, and it is more prevalant than what you may think; that's parents who move in with their kids. My husband Chris and I went away with friends for the weekend in 1994 and when we came home, my parents had moved in! It was initially for 2 weeks, but soon my mothers health began to fail and they ended up staying until she passed in 2001; then my father passed last February 2005. They helped pay part of the expenses until my mother passed, then my father quit contributing to the household altogether. I value that they spent time with our older daughter, Dad with the younger until she was 9 months, and that they could be together every day, and miss my parents terribly.
During the entire time my parents lived with us, they financally took care of my brother who is 10 years my senior, until the day they died. If that meant they borrowed money from friends or associates, then that's what they did, much to the detriment of some of those relationships. I cared for them through 2 pregnancies, with miminal help. When I was 9 months pregnant, my father was in the hospital in congestive heart failure, and my Mom was at home with COPD on oxygen, needing help getting dressed, eating and monitoring her medications. I had to have a confrontation with my brother for help with them so I could go to work. My other brother is 16 years my senior, and the "lone wolf". He's always lived in Texas, California or New Mexico, and hasn't been a part of our family except when it's convenient for him. Since our mother's passing he has fallen off the face of the earth (he has another father and our sister from that father as well, who passed from MS in 1991, whom I helped our Mom care for). It's not that my brothers weren't capable of helping, they just didn't have to because I took care of it.
My 51 year old brother keeps saying that the "big deal" is around the corner that's going to make him rich, and he'll take care of all of our worries, instead of trying to work for a living and being satisfied with what he's got. His life is passing him by, and he's still waiting for it to start. I like to say that he was waiting for his ship to come in, but it already went by on the train! His daughter and her husband now have taken over where our parents left off. My brother is a wonderful person, he was just never given the tools to make it on his own, much like the young man in your piece today.
Now we have my mother-in-law, who has come and gone for several years. She's a dear woman and I love that we're able to help, and that she feels like this is her home, to a certain degree. The girls love spending time with her, and she with them. Don't misunderstand what I'm saying, I'm glad that we're able to help our parents, but it's taken a toll on our health, mental state at times; yet I thank God for Chris, my wonderful husband and soulmate, who shares the same values I do. We would never say "NO" to our families (Chris has 5 brothers and sisters, and we've helped some of them while they were growing up, and with our nieces, 1 from each side of our families, while they were growing up). We're not saints, but we've tried to do what we thought was right by our families. We've spent 19 years building a construction business and have always been the ones that everyone turns to when they need help with anything, and we've gladly given what we can. We've never been in a position to have someone to turn to for financial help, and I have often wondered what it would be like to not worry about money or to have someone to be a safety net for us.
Now my husband Chris is 43, and had a pacemaker installed 2 weeks ago. We've been married almost 21 years, and have 2 daughters, Lauren is 5 years old and Lindsey is 21 months old, and I'm frightened about our future. We waited 15 years to have children because of our business, and my biggest fear is that he won't be around to enjoy them. We've invested all of our money back into our business and helping others, and have used up our meager savings to stay afloat. I am overwhelmed with concern about where we go from here in so many facets of our lives there isn't enough space here. I don't think we're the only people in this situation. Please consider giving some attention to others who are also in this type of family situation.
Sincerely,
Christina Frost
(Original Air Date: 01/31/06) They can be young, they can be old. If they live in your house and spend all your hard-earned money -- they're moochers! First, Nancy and her four siblings are fed up with their mooching 21-year-old brother, Matt. He sleeps all day, has no job and depends on their father for all his expenses. They're concerned about the stress it's causing their dad. Can Dr. Phil convince Matt to set some goals for himself? Next, Pat, 49, says the only thing he has in common with his freeloading twin brother, Mike, is the roof over their heads! Can Pat get his twin on his own two feet before it destroys Pat's marriage? Plus, an update on the family of 13 all living in a trailer together. Who's the newest moocher? Join the discussion.
