Topic : 06/27 Cut 'Em Off!

I would love to give my mother-in-law a transcript of this show in Spanish.  She has two sons that are on again off again (more on than off) moochers.  She is a senior on a fixed income and these two guys consistently live in her one bedroom apartment (sleeping on the living room floor).  They don't help her pay rent, buy food, clean the house and even have the nerve to leave their dirty laundry to pile up til she finally does it. 

  

One of them actually even threatened her with a knife a few years ago. 

  

One still lives with her. 

My parents raised my nephew after my sister passed away.  After my dad passed away, he stayed with my mother.  He wasn't much of an achiever, and he was handed some breaks, like $10,000 to go to tech school.  But he didn't feel the need.  When my daughter and i tried to tell my mother to let him go, make him get out, she got angry, saying we were jealous.  We tried to explain that she wasn't doing him any favors.  We suggested that it would be best to let him go out on his own while she was still alive.  It never changed.  She died 1-1/2 years ago, and he is lost.  He's 31 years old and has no direction.  He worked, but he spent all his money on himself.  He had a free ride.  Mother came into a large inheritance, and mother trusted him and my niece.  They took it all.  When mother died, the house had to be sold and there was nothing left.  He and my niece had to file bankruptcy to keep from repaying the estate.  He is lost.  He has no social skills, and can't keep a relationship.  He's unable to afford a decent place to live and he has no idea how to pay his bills.  I made the mistake of helping him out once, and I'm on limited funds, but he never repaid.  He came back the second time and I told him I'm here with love and moral support, but not with money.  He never knew how to be his own person.  In fact, he never knew it was a necessary lesson to learn.  He's dating a space cadet and hanging with the wrong crowd.  I worried for awhile, but realized that worry is going to hurt me more than help him.  But Matt should take a lesson from this.  This is truly one time when he will survive better if he is thrown into the deep end.  Giving him a free ride now can destroy him later.  Good luck and God bless!

I have two children 18 and 20.  My daughter was an honor student who became depressed during her senior year of high school.  She graduated to go on to GA Tech.  Now she's back home suffering from depression.  She's been in therapy for almost two years off and on.  Now she's seeing only a psychiatrist.  However, she is of legal age and we can't have access to her medical information.  She's living at home, however is on medication.  I'm not sure if it's working.  It's been changed several times.  She doesn't work, is not responsible and procrastinates on everything.  She sleeps as much as possible.  HELP!  

  

My son was an average student until his senior year and worked for during summers of his 16 and 17th year.  Now he does nothing.  He failed his last semester of Math and did not graduate.  I paid for him to attend summer school on line to get the credit to graduate.  He depended on his sister for help him, However, she didn't do his work for him and now he's still not complete.  We're not upset with her, but she shouldn't have agreed to help him and not come through.  He won't graduate this summer.  And, now he's going to have to go back to school in the fall to get his 1/2 credit of math to graduate before he can enter college.   

  

Since both of my children are college age, my medical insurance will not pay unless they are full-time students.  My husband and I have explained this to both of them, however, they don't seem to care!  We are paying for my daughter now to attend a community college and have offered to pay for our son as well (when he graduates).  We've bought them both used cars to drive and furnished spending money until now!  We  have stopped!  Our thoughts are they should be working part-time, however, I feel guilty that they don't have any money!  HELP!  

  

  

well, here's the blunt truth.. i was EXACTLY in the same situation; me being the "Moocher"..  
i couldn't get myself up to do ANYTHING, even though i was totally physically able,  and i had graduated from high school, and was 23 yrs. old.   I had NO motivation to find my own place, find a job, go back to school, etc.   Life was simpler with my [well-off] parents providing EVERYTHING...

well, turns out talking to my Doc., that we discover i have TYPE II Attention Defecit Disorder:   a type of a.d.d. in which the person is very spacey, unmotivated, and to them it honestly feels like beginning any task involving any amount of energy is too much of a strain; mental and/or physical.   Even taking a short walk was like asking me to jog a mile.   I knew i WASN'T LAZY..  every morning i had very high aspirations of starting an exercise routine, studying, reading, etc.   i usually had my mental schedule "booked" for the day.   But I ended up doing nothing hardly, except eating and "bumming around".   I know in my experience once i was given a medication by my doc (amphetamine-sulfate to be exact),  what i accomplished and what i actually did to become independent and financially more motivated all increased a MILLION times.
 

MY TV watching time went from 5 hrs. a day to 1 hour or less a day.  my desire to party or drink alcohol disappeared.   my exercise routine went from 20 mins. a day of walking to 1-2 hours of yoga a day(!).   and my passion and motivation for my massage therapy career, as well as my actual skill and ability to do my job, increased a million times.    I used to sleep to 12 PM daily..   after medication, i had trouble sleeping past  8AM!!   this is not to mention also my reading time and studies went from 1-2 a week to 2hrs.+ a day!! 

  

i believe this type of lack of motivation is not laziness half the time...  It is a dopamine deficiency..   what drive would someone have to be independent, successful, and active, if your brain keeps telling you there's no reward or anything else worth putting that kind of energy into.. cause with type II a.d.d., the person's brain does not give the neuroelectrical 'You're doing good in Life' signal that a healthy brain gives when the person drives themselves to be their best in life.  I know from experience that this 'lack of dopamine' in the brain didn't make ANYthing worth doing. 

  

i'm not saying this is the ONLY cause of this life condition. but it's one of the most common and overlooked.  

he's proabably taking the wrong drugs.  if he's so unmotivated, then he needs to get off the street drugs and go to the doc. and get presc. stimulants.  if he has an addictive personality, then they need to be given once a day, possessed by family member.    the wrong drugs can make you not want to leave the couch for days.  the right 'motivating' drugs, given correctly, can make life take off on the Wings of Eagles.

I think there has to come a time when a parent needs to make the children leave. How can our kids learn responsibility if they are sheltered by their parents their whole life. My kids are small but I hope that I raise them well enough that they won't want to stay in my house forever. I want them to learn independence.  

   

Leslie 

My husband and I just requested that our 20 year old move out after months of meeting together, working on personal strategies (with timelines, goals, targets).  This is not to mention DAILY accountability which was not taken seriously, daily drama, time and energy in trying to convince him to "have a life".  Frustration does not even begin to address the way we feel.  This has been on top of being lied to, money taken from our bank account and daily confrontations.   My husband is a pro at leading, strategizing and giving words of affirmation.  He also believes in creating a "burning platform" for folks who just won't move on with their lives.    

   

Supporting this type of behavior really does enable others in a counter-productive life.  It cripples them and recesses them having to deal with their lives and become productive citizens, leaders and develop the healthy esteem that we all need to survive in today's world.    

   

Thanks Dr. Phil for "amening" what we've lived.  It brought much comfort and validation for the difficult but necessary decisions we have had to make.  Our son is not happy at this point, but one day, he might thank us.  Our goal is not to raise "happy" children, but successful, contributing adults who will make this world a better place.  

been there my daughter is very independent and knows our home is welcome to her and her man and baby.  she is now 21 and i am so proud of her. i would love to see my grandaughter more but i do a little. my youngest  children are 5 (twins) and a 9 yr old daughter a step son  of 10 i couldnt close the  door on any of my family i am prent to my boyfriends nephew and just took in my sisters boy. my plate is full. what would happen if it was empty? i once was a work a holic now i try to solve my problems and everyone elses. i cant work  anymore. so i stay surrounded by children an lots of activities.  very hectic

 I'm working on getting BOTH kids out....This lovely state I live in (Connecticut) won't let me just kick them out. I have to legally EVICT the poor little, helpless darlings. They have more rights than I do...They can mooch off me, one has a child I have supported for 5 years (she won't work and the father is a deadbeat dad that my daughter refuses to go after...uhm, she's too lazy),  won't watch her child,won't follow the rules of the house and won't help. I've let my daughter and grandson stay because I am concerned about my grandson's welfare. Everyone says my husband and I should adopt him. Hey, I love him very much and I clothe, feed and make sure he gets medical attention, but my children are raised am I SO horrible for not wanting to start over again when she is perfectly capable of raising him? And my son? 18 and all about Drugs,SEX and rock and roll....no help, no rent...I wasn't raised to be like that and neither was my husband. Speaking of the husband? He's tried so long to be a buddy instead of a parent and I am the complete opposite. I'm the bitch in the house. I worried that my marraige would fall apart. I have been nothing but a maid, bank and a babysitter. I finally got fed up TODAY as a matter of fact and laid it on the line. Told the hubby I'm kicking them both out.. And if he doesn't like it, then they can ALL stay here and I'm going to leave, get a divorce and take half of everything and they can co-habitate in moocher bliss. I'm 46 and gave up everything to raise my kids. I kept a clean house, cooked, did PTA's, hosted more sleepovers and parties than I can remember, worked full time and laid out so much money and in the end? I lost myself...Guess what? I'M BACKKKKKKKKKKKKKK and kickin ass! Wish me luck!

You are exactly right!!  I hope the woman you replied to listens to everything you said!! VERY WELL PUT!!!  You sound like you've been through exactly what she has but have come out of it with flying colors!! Congratulations!!!!