Topic : 06/21 "Throw It Out!"

I can identify with the Depression Era parents saving everything. I feel guilty if I don't find a good home for stuff, it's hard to just toss it in the trash especially with so much emphasis today on recycling. To that end, I joined a Freecycle group. I saw it mentioned earlier on this site but it bears repeating. Freecycle.org, it's a worldwide recycling site and you can find a branch near your home. The trick is to NOT take anything, just post things you have to offer. There's no cost to join, and you know your things will go to others in need of them.  

Another place to donate things.....check your local library. Ours will take books, videos, music, etc, and they have a yearly sale to raise funds. You'll feel good about yourself for helping.  

I have made a lot of progress in clearing out things, tho it seems I really struggle with PAPER. I get attached to birthday cards, old things from my kids, or programs from their school plays, etc. I have a container of books set aside for when I have grandchildren, so I consider that something worthwhile, not hoarding. And baby clothes....ok, I know they mentioned on the show that Misty kept her kid's things, but it's for a different reason. I have gotten rid of most of them, I have a small suitcase with some "loved" things I hope will suit my grandchildren too. And when the time comes, if they're not right, they're gone, no regrets. And I'm open to change, I might let go of them before that if it seems right.  

Currently I just need to light a fire under my butt to get moving again. We've had a mild winter so I haven't felt trapped at home, which is a good way to spend hours sorting and purging.  I have paralyzed perfectionist tendancies, so procrastinating is a downfall.  I want to keep positive about this, tho, and get things done, no pressure, just progress. My daughter recently moved on her own so I gained space and happily also gave her many things that were stored here. An advantage of an empty nest.  

Having trust in the future.....I'm not working, so I do have those fears of not having "enough" or not being able to replace something. I think this is an area for me to focus on.  I ned to have more faith. There's a saying, if God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it.  Yet after Katrina,  so much material loss, and many people finding that they can do without an awful lot as long as they have their loved ones. It's something to reflect on. Thanks.  

This is harder for some than others........ I am sloowly going through stuff and getting rid of some stuff. Just skimming right now. Garage is filthy and full, as is the crawl space. I am still going through the master bedroom as I used to do "stash and dashes" throwing piles of junk in a box and hiding it in my room, before people came over. Root of that problem is not dealing with my stuff in a timely manner. I was paralyzed by my stuff and all the decicisions to be made in  those regards. Mostly I realize as my house gets cleaner and less cluttered how very little I even liked some of those things. Some of it was guilt.... ( gifts, value of an item, might need it.....on and on... ) I can laugh at myself now...I could find any reason to keep it...... and I still do it.....but I turn it around and ask  why should I keep it......I even throw out perfectly good things because I still need to get rid of more......new addiction, and I like this one....I tell myself I can buy another one, but know I probably won't.........but at least I may only rebuy 1 in 20 things lol.... I could've gotten worse had it not been for flylady.net......... I realize now I was afraid cause it was outta control....What if one day I die and someone actually goes through this stuff, they will think its so strange that I kept this stuff...... I had noooo hope of ever having a house,  I, ( the perfectionist, with a messy, way cluttered, not too dirty house) deemed clean or tidy enough.........and if you saw my house now you could say it is clean and tidy and it will one fine day be as clean and tidy as I envision....... to those of you saying nooooo that wont work I have no money.... and all that..... I dare you to go throw out 27 things........ pieces of paper and garbage if youd like....... but pick and choose whatever you dont want or need....... I see 3 things right now... a grocery recipt....... a dried up pen, and a bag. I will never miss them and it's kinda therapeutic..... See if you can't get you or your beloved hoarder to do this....... throw out 5 things 3 times a day.... it takes so little time and effort and if you just do it you'll feel a little lighter and happier because you might not have solved  the problem but at least you made a babystep in the right direction...... now pat yourself and hug yourself and  vow to do a little bit more tomorrow......the key to making progress is to be very picky as to what comes in your doors.  Your goal is to throw out more than you bring in. (Very hard to do at Christmas, but I got rid of quite a bit in Dec) cause I knew I would need more room for new stuff.......I threw out garbage bags full of little thing-a-mabobbers, (all I did was pick them up anyway) and pieces of paper and old news papers, (why on earth did I keep them.) Point being no matter how big the problem (or small) we all have stuff  we keep that we dont really need or use or love..........or even remember .....why did I keep a mouth guard that stopped fitting 10 years ago....I can't even think of one....... I think maybe I was too lazy to do it........ couldn't be that because I prolly picked it up 10 times and put it back in a box before I threw it away!!!!!!!!!! Now that I think of it.... I litterally would just sort through the stuff for days until I didnt want to do it again for another year.  So I think I just didn't throw anything away until I had alotted 'sorting time.' Why did I need to sort through garbage...... I was scared of throwing away something I needed or loved....... because some of it is important stuff (or so I tell myself)......... sad thing is ........ so many things that I actually liked or loved got broken or destroyed because of having so much stuff. (I threw it out!).........  Hope this helps someone..............if not I hope you all get through this okay.  

My son is a hoarder.   We couldn't figure it out, but  it turned out that it was just a symptom of another problem - - he was diagnosed with obsesive compulsive disorder.  On the surface, that doesn't seem to make much sense because you'd think that a person with OCD would be perfectly tidy all the time.  That isn't always true!  

It turns out that perfectionism taken to the extreme can lead to chaos. If the person can't obtain perfection they just totally lose control and give up and don't even try. Well, it is more complicated than that, but in a nutshell, it becomes an obsession. Just do a google search for "Obsessive compulsive disorder and hoarding" and you can find a lot of information about it. OCD is caused by a chemical imbalance and can be improved with medication and therapy.  

The other posters who said that just carting away the junk wont help are absolutely correct. I used to try to "help" my son by cleaning out his room. But the stuff just piled up again afterwards. I didn't understand it and would be so frustrated with him. It was actually a relief to learn that he wasn't choosing it - that there was a medical reason for his behavior. He is doing MUCH better now but it is taking time.  

Did the cats of that guy who was on at the beginning of the show get any help? I didn't see the whole show. (as you can probably tell by my screen name, I'm a cat person) 

Hi: 

My mother's always been a mild packrat as long as I can remember.  She could never get rid of clothes (she still has stuff from the 70's when she was a size zero.  She's now a size 20, but hey...someday she'll lose all that weight and want to wear her decades old clothing again.) and toiletries, especially shampoo and soap.  She would basically do what Jack Nicolson's character in "As Good As It Gets" did--use the shampoo or soap one time, then buy a new bottle or bar again, except she wouldn't throw the old one out.  Eventually one of us would throw them out when the collection got too overwhelming in the bathroom.  Luckily, she never said anything about it. 

Ever since my daughter was born four years ago though, she's turned into a full blown packrat.  She decided that my daughter needed every toy in the universe, even if she wasn't interested in it or wasn't appropriate for her.  (She wasn't this way with me or my brother growing up--we only got toys on special occasions, like Easter, Christmas, etc. They were always something we wanted and safe for us.)  My mother has bought every beenie baby, every polly pocket playset, about 500 barbie dolls, and various other toys.  She has even buys toys that are clearly broken and unusable--telling my daughter that my dad will fix them, which he never does.  You'd think my daughter would be in toy heaven, but unfortunately my mother's house is so cluttered that she can't get to about ninety percent of the toys that she has bought.  My daughter usually only gets to play with only whatever toys my mother has bought recently and haven't been stored away. 

Another thing that infuriates me is when I talk to my mother, when I tell her not to get a certain toy, or a dress for a Christmas, she'll call me a few days later and say, "Guess what I got?  I bought so-and-so toy or a dress for Christmas for a great price!"  When I remind her of the conversation just a few days ago I had with her.  She'll say, "Oh well, I forgot.  I'll just keep the toy or dress so she can use it here."  Usually the toy is broken or dirty and more often than not, the dress is stained or torn or if it's in perfect condition, it's almost always the wrong size.  When I tell her to return it so she can get her money back, she gets angry at me. 

Other things she does that really bother me is when my daughter sleeps over her house, she'll 'hide' items into my daughter's overnight bag to take home.  Also, the last year or so, she's been sending large packages at least once a week to my house filled with toys.  What really bothers me about it is that she'll buy the toys at a tag sale or thift store, and combined they're worth maybe five dollars, but then she'll spend ten to fifteen dollars to send it express mail to my house plus insurance because she's so paranoid it's going to get lost in the mail.  When one package she sent one time didn't come within the two day period, she actually cried. 

I've told her several times my daughter has enough toys and clothes and not to buy or send anymore to my house, but she only gets mad and says, "I'll do whatever I want to with my money, and if you don't like what I send, why don't you just throw it out?"  The problem is, if I did throw these items out, she'd probably break down in tears and give me a giant lecture about what a horrible parent/daughter I am. 

Yesterday, I was really fed up with her.  She called me up and announced that she sent another large package to my house.  I reminded her of the call I made to her last week telling her not to send another package and she says, "Oh well...sorry about that."  Then she tells me that she bought my daughter Valentine Day cards to send to her friends.  I have to remind her that I told her on the phone the week before not to buy Valentine Day cards because I already purchased them.  Of course she forgot again.  Then she says, "Well, I least she can play with the stickers I sent her."  I was then that I blew my top because I had told her the week before not to send my daughter stickers, because instead of putting them in the sticker book she'll put them on the wall, the floor, etc.  and I end up having to remove them with a scraper.  I told her of what I said the last time that if she sent another package it would end up in the garbage.  She responds with a tearful, "Okay, if you have to."--which makes me feel like crap. 

I felt really angry watching this show because I felt like John and Misty didn't give a damn about their loved ones needs and feelings, just like my mother doesn't care if the toys are inappropriate, dangerous (my daughter almost choked on a toy my mother bought her when she was baby because it had small pieces that came off.) if she has them already, or the fact my mother has probably thousands of other toys that my daughter can't play with at her house because "they're packed away somewhere and I can't get to them."  And she sure as heck doesn't care what I think.  Hey, I'm only her daughter.  Just as long as she has all the toys in the world to prove that she's a good grandmother, that's all that matters. 

I don't want to stop talking to her because we have a really small family--basically all I have is my parents and brother.  Everybody else is either dead or we're estranged from them.  But this is getting too much for both me and my husband.  My brother is not speaking with my mother because of the same exact problem.  He won't let my mother buy things for his daughter--he's told her they go right in the trash ASAP.  My brother has been really blunt and straightforward with my mother and has even tried to throw out items she hasn't used in years but that has made the problem worse.  She got so upset with him that she won't let him into her house, and went out and bought things to replace the items she threw out.  I've tried the more gentle approach with her, suggesting she get therapy (which she's 100 percent against because she doesn't want to a stranger to know about her personal problems.) and offering to help her donate items, which at first she'll be receptive to, but when it's time to load stuff in the car or I have Ebay's homepage on my computer she'll say, "Oh, maybe we should do this next time.  I have a lot of other things to do first." 

Like John, she talks about the day when her house will be clear of stuff and beautiful, and of all these home projects she's going to do.  Also, she tells me she's going to start a crafting business--she has all the supplies, now all she needs is the room.  Like John, it's total BS--it's never going to happen, and I'm sick of hearing about how her house is going to be palace 'someday'.  It would be a miracle if all the rooms had paths so you can go in them.  The two rooms upstairs are unreachable--they're filled with stuff, along with the hallway and the stairs.  The garage and basement are also out of reach too.  You can open the door to the garage but you can't walk inside.  Same thing with the basement.  There are small paths in their bedroom, living room, and office, so you can sort of use them.  The only room would be considered 'okay' by most people's standards is the kitchen, though it's cluttered too. 

I wish I was exaggerating, but trust me, I'm not.  This is just the tip of the iceberg actually. I'm at the end of this rope with this problem.  If I don't let my mother turn my house (and my in-laws' house--yes, she sends my daughter toys to their house too!) into the same as hers, I'm a rotten miserable person and an unfit mother.  If I do, then I'll be totally miserable, along with my husband, and eventually my daughters.  

I'm sorry this message was so long, but I'm very upset about this.  I can sort of understand why she does this (she had a really bad childhood) but still, it's getting way out of control, and she won't admit she has a major problem.  I don't know what I can do about this that won't totally destroy our relationship.  I hope I'm not the only one with this problem and that someone else understands. 

Sincerely, 

Denise  

I guess that something to think about.  My mother used to be really outgoing and had a ton of friends when I was growing up, but now she has no friends to speak of.  The only people she will let into her house is me, my husband, and our daughters.  When she put on a baby shower for my youngest daughter last year, she told me not to invite anyone from my husband's family because she didn't want them to see the house.  Unlike you, she never really valued privacy though.  She could never understand why I wanted to be left alone in my room as teenager, and when my dad worked nights, she made me sleep in her bedroom because she was afraid of being alone at night.  Now, when he works nights, she has the dog sleep in her bed.  But you have interesting theory.  If she wants to be alone now and push people away, she's doing a great job of it.  She's pushed all her old friends and my brother away.  I'd like to know what happened that made her into an extreme packrat, because she wasn't that bad up until five years ago or so.