Topic : 06/21 "Throw It Out!"

Hi: 

My mother's always been a mild packrat as long as I can remember.  She could never get rid of clothes (she still has stuff from the 70's when she was a size zero.  She's now a size 20, but hey...someday she'll lose all that weight and want to wear her decades old clothing again.) and toiletries, especially shampoo and soap.  She would basically do what Jack Nicolson's character in "As Good As It Gets" did--use the shampoo or soap one time, then buy a new bottle or bar again, except she wouldn't throw the old one out.  Eventually one of us would throw them out when the collection got too overwhelming in the bathroom.  Luckily, she never said anything about it. 

Ever since my daughter was born four years ago though, she's turned into a full blown packrat.  She decided that my daughter needed every toy in the universe, even if she wasn't interested in it or wasn't appropriate for her.  (She wasn't this way with me or my brother growing up--we only got toys on special occasions, like Easter, Christmas, etc. They were always something we wanted and safe for us.)  My mother has bought every beenie baby, every polly pocket playset, about 500 barbie dolls, and various other toys.  She has even buys toys that are clearly broken and unusable--telling my daughter that my dad will fix them, which he never does.  You'd think my daughter would be in toy heaven, but unfortunately my mother's house is so cluttered that she can't get to about ninety percent of the toys that she has bought.  My daughter usually only gets to play with only whatever toys my mother has bought recently and haven't been stored away. 

Another thing that infuriates me is when I talk to my mother, when I tell her not to get a certain toy, or a dress for a Christmas, she'll call me a few days later and say, "Guess what I got?  I bought so-and-so toy or a dress for Christmas for a great price!"  When I remind her of the conversation just a few days ago I had with her.  She'll say, "Oh well, I forgot.  I'll just keep the toy or dress so she can use it here."  Usually the toy is broken or dirty and more often than not, the dress is stained or torn or if it's in perfect condition, it's almost always the wrong size.  When I tell her to return it so she can get her money back, she gets angry at me. 

Other things she does that really bother me is when my daughter sleeps over her house, she'll 'hide' items into my daughter's overnight bag to take home.  Also, the last year or so, she's been sending large packages at least once a week to my house filled with toys.  What really bothers me about it is that she'll buy the toys at a tag sale or thift store, and combined they're worth maybe five dollars, but then she'll spend ten to fifteen dollars to send it express mail to my house plus insurance because she's so paranoid it's going to get lost in the mail.  When one package she sent one time didn't come within the two day period, she actually cried. 

I've told her several times my daughter has enough toys and clothes and not to buy or send anymore to my house, but she only gets mad and says, "I'll do whatever I want to with my money, and if you don't like what I send, why don't you just throw it out?"  The problem is, if I did throw these items out, she'd probably break down in tears and give me a giant lecture about what a horrible parent/daughter I am. 

Yesterday, I was really fed up with her.  She called me up and announced that she sent another large package to my house.  I reminded her of the call I made to her last week telling her not to send another package and she says, "Oh well...sorry about that."  Then she tells me that she bought my daughter Valentine Day cards to send to her friends.  I have to remind her that I told her on the phone the week before not to buy Valentine Day cards because I already purchased them.  Of course she forgot again.  Then she says, "Well, I least she can play with the stickers I sent her."  I was then that I blew my top because I had told her the week before not to send my daughter stickers, because instead of putting them in the sticker book she'll put them on the wall, the floor, etc.  and I end up having to remove them with a scraper.  I told her of what I said the last time that if she sent another package it would end up in the garbage.  She responds with a tearful, "Okay, if you have to."--which makes me feel like crap. 

I felt really angry watching this show because I felt like John and Misty didn't give a damn about their loved ones needs and feelings, just like my mother doesn't care if the toys are inappropriate, dangerous (my daughter almost choked on a toy my mother bought her when she was baby because it had small pieces that came off.) if she has them already, or the fact my mother has probably thousands of other toys that my daughter can't play with at her house because "they're packed away somewhere and I can't get to them."  And she sure as heck doesn't care what I think.  Hey, I'm only her daughter.  Just as long as she has all the toys in the world to prove that she's a good grandmother, that's all that matters. 

I don't want to stop talking to her because we have a really small family--basically all I have is my parents and brother.  Everybody else is either dead or we're estranged from them.  But this is getting too much for both me and my husband.  My brother is not speaking with my mother because of the same exact problem.  He won't let my mother buy things for his daughter--he's told her they go right in the trash ASAP.  My brother has been really blunt and straightforward with my mother and has even tried to throw out items she hasn't used in years but that has made the problem worse.  She got so upset with him that she won't let him into her house, and went out and bought things to replace the items she threw out.  I've tried the more gentle approach with her, suggesting she get therapy (which she's 100 percent against because she doesn't want to a stranger to know about her personal problems.) and offering to help her donate items, which at first she'll be receptive to, but when it's time to load stuff in the car or I have Ebay's homepage on my computer she'll say, "Oh, maybe we should do this next time.  I have a lot of other things to do first." 

Like John, she talks about the day when her house will be clear of stuff and beautiful, and of all these home projects she's going to do.  Also, she tells me she's going to start a crafting business--she has all the supplies, now all she needs is the room.  Like John, it's total BS--it's never going to happen, and I'm sick of hearing about how her house is going to be palace 'someday'.  It would be a miracle if all the rooms had paths so you can go in them.  The two rooms upstairs are unreachable--they're filled with stuff, along with the hallway and the stairs.  The garage and basement are also out of reach too.  You can open the door to the garage but you can't walk inside.  Same thing with the basement.  There are small paths in their bedroom, living room, and office, so you can sort of use them.  The only room would be considered 'okay' by most people's standards is the kitchen, though it's cluttered too. 

I wish I was exaggerating, but trust me, I'm not.  This is just the tip of the iceberg actually. I'm at the end of this rope with this problem.  If I don't let my mother turn my house (and my in-laws' house--yes, she sends my daughter toys to their house too!) into the same as hers, I'm a rotten miserable person and an unfit mother.  If I do, then I'll be totally miserable, along with my husband, and eventually my daughters.  

I'm sorry this message was so long, but I'm very upset about this.  I can sort of understand why she does this (she had a really bad childhood) but still, it's getting way out of control, and she won't admit she has a major problem.  I don't know what I can do about this that won't totally destroy our relationship.  I hope I'm not the only one with this problem and that someone else understands. 

Sincerely, 

Denise  

This show left my husband and I looking at each other thinking I don't want to get were they are.  Although every table or counter in our house was covered with “stuff”, the floors were clear and passable.  A requirement because I have two balance disorders and trip and fall easily.  We began attacking the house.  If it was covered with dust it had to be really important for us to keep.  I couldn’t believe the amount of trash we took out.  We’re not done yet but we are well on the way! 

Thanks for the push!  We are both so much happier!  And the house is starting to look good!  I’m no longer embarrassed to have a repairman or guests in the house!