Topic : 06/21 "Throw It Out!"

I can understand how these people feel. My husband's uncle who he has a very close relationcship with, is exactly like this. My husband and him bought a barn for my husband's business together. my husband gave half to his uncle to use, but now the whole barn is filled top to bottom with his usless junk. but to him everything is valuble, fixable, or means something. His house also looks like that. It drives me crazy that I cannot find stuff I have stored at the barn because his uncle buried it. he keeps computers, clothes, furniture, construction material, and loads of junk. He actually goes around on junk pick up day and picks things up! My husband doesn't say anything to him because his uncle is like his father, but it drives me insane. He actually lost a box of my first borns important keep sakes in his mess, and my baby album! The worse thing is I know that once he dies, then the mess is my hubands and mine to take care of, and it will cost a fortune to clean it all up. I just wish that my husband would say something to him and start cleaning out the barn that is half his. Maybe someday, soon.

just for a moment lets say god is coming to visit you in your home, are you happy with what god will see?

You say his hoarding problem all started when his former company moved from New York to Philadelphia, and they had to let him semi-retire.  I'll bet this really discouraged him and made him feel like he was being thrown out.  I'm not a shrink, but probably his hoarding is a symbolic way of saying "You discarded ME, but I care about the past and tradition, and I'm not going to do the same to these old clock parts."  He really does see those old parts as being "just like him." 

This may take some doing, but would you consider contacting the company privately -- tell them the basic problem and see if someone from there would pay a visit to your dad and make a big fuss over all the clock parts he has saved.  Tell him the company wants to create an archive, and they can USE all the stuff he's got as part of an exhibit.  They can haul all the stuff away (it won't cost them that much), set up a few displays, maybe take pictures of the displays with him in the shot, and make sure he gets some really good pictures, framed, etc.  That will give him some closure to this whole job issue.  He will feel like he was recognized for his importance and longevity in the company, and the clock parts will gain a place of honor as well, so he doesn't have to feel like the lonely keeper of the flame.

Elaine

I think the clutter guy , in the first segment, should make a deal with his hors...er...wife: For every pound of blubber she relinquishes, he drops one pound of clutter. Then, he'll have a  home that his family can breathe in, and she'll look like a human being (-or, a reasonable fax).  Then, they'll both be happy

This is really an illness for many. And it can cause emotional problems for family members. My friend (Diane) had a mother who lived in a home with boxes, papers and trash stacked from floor to ceiling. Diane couldn't have friends over EVER, she was embarrassed by her living conditions and she and her mother never became close as mothers and daughters should be.  

  

Diane graduated college (she left home never to return) and then went from one disasterous relationship to another. I truly believe that her almost non-existant relationship with her mother (who seldom left the home) and with her father (who ran from the home and marriage when Diane was young) helped cause Diane's problems when it comes to trust, marriage, committment, etc.  

  

This hoarding is a disease for many. Some of us are pack rats (my mother survived the Depression and still folds tin foil), but some truly are sick. Hopefully those who know who they are will have seen the show and decided to get help for their illness. God bless them all AND their poor families who suffer right along with them.  

Please! Dr. Phil is an expert. He has many experts helping him with his show. He studies the history of his guests and he has experts work along side him. He knows which ones need couseling (etc) and which ones just need to make better choices. You need to give the good doctor more credit!

 My_angels, I agree that Afraid was showing a judgmental side.  I don't think Misty's house was bad enough to be a harm to the kids -- an annoyance, yes, but not a threat. 

However, down toward the end of your post I got a hint that maybe you're rationalizing just a little bit.  You say your mother was always cleaning.  You're trying to prove that you're not "that" kind of a mother, so you clean much less than you could.  This topic is not about cleaning.  It's about having the ability to have a normal amount of control over your things, and not let the things control you.  If you feel defensive about the condition of your house, it could be that some people (maybe your mom, maybe just friends who care and aren't trying to run your life) are dropping hints.  If this is the case, it's probably like Dr. Phil's audience.  We look at the mess and say "Whoa!  This is out of control!" while you see it every day and say "What's the problem?  I don't see a mess!" 

Please think about it.  You don't have to be a cleaning maniac OR a potential health hazard.  Just a nice, happy medium -- and that really seems difficult for so many people to get.

Let's face it; people fill their lives with STUFF (often it's really JUNK) when they are not fulfilled inside.  

  

Happy, healthy people don't need STUFF and/or tons of it. There are different degrees of hoarding. For some, it's an illness and they need therapy. For most of us, it's about choices. We are not happy in some aspects of our lives and we get an instant high from buying, although that high is short-lived. I used to fill my lonlier single days with shopping (and credit debt). Once I became happy in my life (married 16 years with two beautiful children), I noticed I stopped all that crazy buying. I buy when my children (and hubby and me) NEED something. All the stupid stuff has little importance in my life these days.  

  

I watch as rich acquaintances of ours have to buy the latest sports car, the latest fashions, the best spa treatments, the biggest and most expensive vacations (etc). They pay tons for brand names that I can't even pronounce (and don't care to anyway). Nobody will EVER convince me they are truly happy individuals. I am very happy and although we are able to afford much more than we have, I would NEVER spend lots on silly stuff just to say that I have it (and to show it off).  

  

We all need to take long, hard looks at our lives and decide what's important and what's not. STUFF should be of low priority. If it's not, than we need help! 

I watched this show with fascination, and realize that I might be headed down this path.  My home is generally clean and organized (no small chore with kids in the house!).  There are, however, several "nests", for want of a better word - a pile of papers in the dining room, stacks of art supplies in my studio that I can't see the bottom of, and a crowded, over-flowing garage full of boxes from our last move (8 years ago!).  I lost both of my parents within 7 weeks of each other, have a son and three grandchildren that I have not heard from in over two years (he announced he was becoming a women, then disappeared), and in the last year and a half, I have lost my best friend to suicide, and three more dear girlfriends to early & untimely deaths (one hit by a falling tree, the others to illnesses & a heart-attack).  To say I am reeling would be an understatement!  I'm in therapy (duh!) and still have two of my four children home from college for the summer.  I suffered a spinal-cord injury (non-paralyzing) and am currently planning surgery for this.  I teach Art, work as an illustrator and also paint giant expressionistic paintings so there has always been a fair amount of "creative clutter" around, but lately I can't always summon the strength & energy to tackle simple jobs like throwing out the junk mail.  My husband & children have been very understanding and helpful; I don't mind letting go of the stuff - it's a relief - but even little piles seem unsurmountable some times, to the point where I never begin. 

  

Any insights? 

Feedback? 

  

Thanks!  

 

I was watching today’s episode in hope of some advice for dealing with my mothers hoarding problem but was somewhat disappointed.  Misty’s situation looked cute compared to my mothers although it was not as traumatic as John’s.  But my grandmother is 95 and our family dog only has a few years left in him so I strongly believe that she will follow the path of John in several years. What I was disappointed in was that both cases involved subjects who were willing to change their lifestyles for their family.  What is one to do if they do not want to change when confronted?  I confronted her both compassionately and angrily but with no avail.  I even suggested having a third party mediate but she is just too stubborn.  

   

What makes the situation so much worst is that her hoarding of possessions had extended into individuals.  My brother is a college drop out still living with his parents who has literally locked himself in his room for five years in front of the computer watching TV and playing video games.  No friends, no job, just sit around in his room all day.  My father has tried almost everything to try to motivate him but my mother undermines all of his efforts by lying for him and giving him a monthly allowance even at 27.  She simply enjoys his company and will not alter the status quo.  I try to convince her that it is an unhealthy lifestyle for him but she thinks that there is no problem.  

   

On top of my family’s problem, my father is currently fighting malignant cancer.    

He is fighting for his life and he is banished to a small corner of the house that is cluttered with my mother’s possessions.  She recently brought back a truck load of furniture and “stuff” even though it drives him raging mad.  I just feel so frustrated and disgusted with my mother’s problem that we are no longer on speaking terms.    

   

I try to confront the problem to make our family stronger but my mother and brother do not see a problem.  My father also has found some sort of peace with his current situation, possibly distracted by the cancer, and does not believe anything will come about with my efforts.  He had come to the conclusion she will never change after being married to her for over 30 years.  So am I just being the ungrateful son that my mother thinks I am?    Even with traumatic events in the horizon that will surely push her over the edge should I ignore the problems?  Is there even a problem? I am so confused I don’t even know if my family is abnormal.  As Dr. Phil says there is no “normal “ …