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Topic : 06/26 Twisted Love

Number of Replies: 2037
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Created on : Friday, January 27, 2006, 02:41:03 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 02/02/06) Charles says he has exhausted his relationship with his wife of 19 years, and he's ready to try an alternative lifestyle. Instead of getting a divorce, Charles wants to explore polyfidelity -- a relationship where he is shared between his wife and his mistress. The mistress says she'll give it a try, but his wife, Tracy, says the thought makes her sick. Can Charles convince his wife to share him for the sake of their marriage? And what does Dr. Phil think? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

 

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January 30, 2006, 8:58 pm CST

02/02 Twisted Love

Quote From: tracyl60

I would love to talk to you.  I am the woman on the show Thrusday.  I am new to the message boards, is there a way to send a private message so I can give you my contact information? 
I am also new to the message boards, so I have no idea.  I would really love to talk with you.  Does anyone know how to privately send email information to someone?
 
January 30, 2006, 10:12 pm CST

From a poly

I'm sure I'm going to be openly attacked for my personal opinion and views and how I choose to live my life, but I think someone needs to stand up and speak out.

I'm a 28 year old married female. I've been married for 5 years and have 4 children with my husband. I also have a boyfriend I've been seeing for the past few months. My husband and I have chosen a lifestyle called polyamory. My husband and I love each other and hope to spend the rest of our lives together, however we also choose to not restrict each other when it comes to exploring ourselves. Poly isn't about cheating on your spouse, finding a replacement, disrespect, or anything else that seems to have been stated in this thread. My husband and I have a very healthy relationship, we love each other, respect each other and keep no secrets from each other.

I'm not here to condone the husbands behavior and having a mistress at all. Nor am I here to say advertise the lifestyle we have chosen to live. I'm here to hopefully inform people that the lifestyle *does* exist in a responsible fashion among people who are very happy to have found such a lifestyle. Poly isn't for everyone and it's probably one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life, but the rewards have been beyond anything I could have imagined. So all I'm asking is that before people jump to assumptions about who and what poly people are about.. at least do some research and don't categorize us with cheaters and others who are not holding responsible, loving relationships. Here's a few links if anyone is really interested in not passing judgement about things without at least knowing facts.

The true definition of poly: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory

FAQ about poly: http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

Some articles: http://www.outrageousintimacy.com/index.html


 
January 30, 2006, 11:43 pm CST

Looked it up and.......

Wow-I looked it up on the web and there really is a thing such as polyamory . Somewhat of what was called "open Marriage" before. There actually was a whole lot of info on it. One stressor would be time element - one spouse and children take up more time than most of us have to give. Also, in this age of Aids and STD's, you don't know who their other partners have been.In this case, I think both partners would have to agree on it and the wife is against it. That means the husband should respect her wishes.It sounds like it has to be mutually agreed on. I think this has always gone on and was called fooling around . The poster who mentioned it had been with someone for 2 months but that is not very long to make a decision about it. Especially with 4 kids. I would like 2 men, too -- one to cook and one to clean.....................
 
January 31, 2006, 6:32 am CST

Dreamboat or...................

Shipwreck? This guy must think he is a real dreamboat but the situation has shipwreck written all over it. If the wife lets this mistress move in,and she even says the idea is sickening to her, she would  probably  end up moving out and then the hubby and mistress would have the house-not a good plan.Don't go against your gut feelings just to hang on to this guy . Stick to your guns. I know, hire a really cute20-something guy to do work on your yard like in "Housewives". or help you out at the house with stuff or be your private visit the house personal trainer every day!!!! Interview and pick out the cutest ones. That would give hubby a reality check or at least show him what it's like for you. Can you imagine the look on his face? Please. Please do it and let us know what happens...... or wrap crime scene tape around your house and make 2 chalk outlines in the driveway and tell your husband that will be him and his honey if she ever comes near your home.........Don't take such crap from this guy................
 
January 31, 2006, 7:40 am CST

One way to do it

Quote From: rebeccamo

I am also new to the message boards, so I have no idea.  I would really love to talk with you.  Does anyone know how to privately send email information to someone?

Ladies,  

  

The only way I can think of, since I am also new, is for both of you to open a free e-mail acct on like Yahoo.  Then list the e-mail address on here.  You will then know who the other person is based on the e-mail address they provided and you can begin exchanging information from there.  The information of the e-mail address would be on here, but it is free so once you find each other on the yahoo acct and exchange contact information in private, the accounts can then be closed.  

  

Warmly, 

~mb~ 

 
January 31, 2006, 9:01 am CST

02/02 Twisted Love

Quote From: zapatasred

Wow-I looked it up on the web and there really is a thing such as polyamory . Somewhat of what was called "open Marriage" before. There actually was a whole lot of info on it. One stressor would be time element - one spouse and children take up more time than most of us have to give. Also, in this age of Aids and STD's, you don't know who their other partners have been.In this case, I think both partners would have to agree on it and the wife is against it. That means the husband should respect her wishes.It sounds like it has to be mutually agreed on. I think this has always gone on and was called fooling around . The poster who mentioned it had been with someone for 2 months but that is not very long to make a decision about it. Especially with 4 kids. I would like 2 men, too -- one to cook and one to clean.....................
I was posting that information just to make sure people are aware that there *is* such a thing as poly, it does exist, and there are many people who live the lifestyle willingly and like their decision to do so.

As you mentioned, time is a factor, the only real factor when it comes to being poly. This isn't the first relationship I've had during my marriage either. So while it may only be a few months along, it's a very involved relationship for me. My boyfriend lives with us and is considered one of the family.

I don't blame this mans wife for being against it one bit. I'm not telling her that she should give in and do what he wants. Everyone has to decide what is right for them and what is going to make them happy. If she is against it from the get go, it will never work in the long run and she should let him go now, and find her own happiness.
 
January 31, 2006, 11:22 am CST

02/02 Twisted Love

I wish Dr Phil wouldn't present these issues in such a sensational fashion.  There are LOTS of couples who have chosen to have a non monogamous marriage and many of them are quite responsible and sensible.  It is successful with good communication and very committed people. 

  

Polyamoury isn't dirty or slutty.  Polyamory ISN'T cheating.  It is a choice that BOTH a husband and wife make.  If one party is sneaking around or is forcing the choice on the other spouse, it really can't be considered polyamory or polyfidelity just as a "shotgun" wedding ceremony isn't a valid marriage.  Consent must be honestly and freely given. 

  

When my husband and I met, we were in our teens.  We knew that we wanted to spend our lives together but neither one of us wanted to have our relationship become a prison. We've been married 22 years so far without any big problems.  We have never separated, never needed marriage counselling and never needed to take antidepressants.  We discuss our desires and needs openly and we both want each other's happiness first and we are both willing to make the sacrifices necessary to get there. Sometimes, that has meant including another person-smile-they weren't all female. 

  

We do not have an open marriage nor are we polyamorous right now because we just needed that at this point in our lives because of health, kids and career issues.  It may last forever or we may make changes. 

 
January 31, 2006, 11:59 am CST

02/02 Twisted Love

Quote From: zapatasred

Wow-I looked it up on the web and there really is a thing such as polyamory . Somewhat of what was called "open Marriage" before. There actually was a whole lot of info on it. One stressor would be time element - one spouse and children take up more time than most of us have to give. Also, in this age of Aids and STD's, you don't know who their other partners have been.In this case, I think both partners would have to agree on it and the wife is against it. That means the husband should respect her wishes.It sounds like it has to be mutually agreed on. I think this has always gone on and was called fooling around . The poster who mentioned it had been with someone for 2 months but that is not very long to make a decision about it. Especially with 4 kids. I would like 2 men, too -- one to cook and one to clean.....................

Your instincts are correct. Polyamory only works if everyone consents and everyone is getting their needs met.  You are wrong when you confuse polyamory with cheating or open marriage.  Polyamory is a committed relationship of more than two people.  There are triads and quads and larger families.  An open marriage is a couple in a committed relationship who are free to engage in outside sexual relationships.  The two lifestyles are quite dissimilar. 

  

in this age of Aids and STD's, you don't know who their other partners have been 

The issues of sexually transmitted diseases for polyamorous couples are similar to those in a traditional marriage combined with affairs (some 80% of all marriages) or serial monogamy punctuated with divorce (57%) of marriages.  Everyone should be aware of the risks in any sexual contact and think about the protection of our partners. 

  

I think both partners would have to agree on it and the wife is against it. That means the husband should respect her wishes. 

While I think that both people need to agree on what their relationship will be, I don't agree that a man who is polyamorous should deny his nature and live monogamously any more than I think a woman who is monogamous should deny her nature and live in a polygamous relationship. 

  

 
January 31, 2006, 1:44 pm CST

email address

Quote From: rebeccamo

I am also new to the message boards, so I have no idea.  I would really love to talk with you.  Does anyone know how to privately send email information to someone?
 ok, im sticking my neck out here but I hope it is worth it.  I am the woman who will be on the show Thursday.  I have had several people say they are in the same situtation and would like to talk to me.  my email is tml200660@yahoo.com.  Please respect this email address and dont send me nasty messages.  Thanks!
 
January 31, 2006, 2:33 pm CST

Poly is NOT Cheating, nor is it all about Sex

Quote From: elwood

Polyfidelity??!  I'm pretty sure that's called infidelity.  Charles has got to be kidding.  I hope Dr. Phil tears him a new one.
I feel I need to put my thoughts out on this subject, as so many people are quick to call Polyamory just another form of cheating. This is the furthest thing from the truth.  Polyamory is best described as a belief system. I believe that it is possible to have ethical, open, nonmonogamous relationships with more than one person.

 I also feel  that most people who have been in a relationship where their partner felt the need to see someone else would agree that it was done in secret. In true polyamorous relationships, there are immense amounts of communication, discussion and caring for all people involved.

 It is often said that there are as many ways to do poly as there are people. I know groups who practice polyfidelity where both the man and the woman have other partners; I am friends with a triad of a man and two women who are raising 2 children. One of my partners has a sister that is in a male/female/female triad. They have been together for 10 years and currently raising 3 1/2 yr old twins. I myself have been poly for as long as I can remember. I have been practicing poly for the last 6 years and am involved with 3 men, one of which I live with and will handfast with this Spring. We attend family dinners every week with other members of our tribe, and will be taking a trip this weekend with one of my lovers and two more of his loves. I can think of no better way to improve the world than to be open to love and affection in all its forms.

 I would never tell someone that monogamy is wrong. Why do people feel that they can tell me MY relationship structure is wrong, just because it doesn't work for them? Poly is NOT for everyone, and neither is monogamy. Poly is also NOT about sex, which is what people tend to get hung up on. Our country has some very warped ideals about sexuality and being sexual. Because of this, everything seems to be brought down to how often you sleep with someone. Polyamorus relationships are so much more, dealing with deep, loving, caring emotions. 

 In reading the description of the show, I can see how this man's wife would feel betrayed and not trust him. If it was me, I would feel the same way. If he truly wants to explore poly and find out whether it is right for him and his wife, he needs to start at the begining, not in the middle with trust and security issues. This is a classic example of how NOT to do poly. Things done in secret are wrong, no matter what the "excuse".
 
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