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Topic : 06/26 Twisted Love

Number of Replies: 2037
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Created on : Friday, January 27, 2006, 02:41:03 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 02/02/06) Charles says he has exhausted his relationship with his wife of 19 years, and he's ready to try an alternative lifestyle. Instead of getting a divorce, Charles wants to explore polyfidelity -- a relationship where he is shared between his wife and his mistress. The mistress says she'll give it a try, but his wife, Tracy, says the thought makes her sick. Can Charles convince his wife to share him for the sake of their marriage? And what does Dr. Phil think? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

 

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February 1, 2006, 12:22 pm CST

02/02 Twisted Love

Quote From: sheltie2

My sister wasn't "swinging" for 25 years, sorry if I made it sound like that. If my memory serves me right it was for a very short time. She had put up with a lot of crap in their marriage (affairs, physical abuse, etc.) and reluctanly decided to go with him. (People Pleaser!) If the Poly life/lovestyle would've been popular at that time (80's) he probably would've suggested that, too! Swinging wasn't enough (is it ever with these over-sexed people? Ya,all need a hobby!!! ) and come to find out he had raped his own minor daughter and neice. He was convicted and went to prison for 7 years. (Not long enough in my opinion!)  I thought my sister would've seen the light at that point, but she was "standing by her man" as that song goes...visited him in prison almost every weekend..(yeah, she's a little on the STUPID side!). Well, after he got of prison he wanted her to swing with him again, and she FINALLY said, sorry I'm not going down that road again, and you are free to do whatever you want to do without me...here's the divorce papers to sign.  It's been 11 wonderful years for her without him!

I'm sure that your Poly life/lovestyle seems normal to you but since you call the person you're living with a "mate", it doesn't sound like you're in a commited "marriage" relationship in the first place...correct me if I'm wrong? You might view things differently if you took vows before God and "promised to keep yourself 'only unto him' as long as you both shall live"! I took those vows myself and believe that they are not to be taken lightly....but hey, everyone is entitiled to their own opinion! I just gage mine by morality!  (yeah, I know it's sounds old-fashioned, and not the popular thing now a days, but try it you might like it!)  Like they say, what goes around, comes around.

All I can personally say about those who are involved in the poly life/lovestyle is, "What abominable thing are people in this world going to do next?"

You might view things differently if you took vows before God and "promised to keep yourself 'only unto him' as long as you both shall live"!  

We have been married over 22 years but our vows were different than yours. Our vow included being together until we are separated by death (and we have some queer idea that even that won't separate us:) but we also vowed not to let our marriage become a prison.   

  

All I can personally say about those who are involved in the poly life/lovestyle is, "What abominable thing are people in this world going to do next?" 

Probably NOT getting divorced followed by remariage followed by divorce and remarriage etc.  I'm a moral person too...we just appear to define our morality differently.  

 
February 1, 2006, 1:01 pm CST

Freedom

   

Advice is easy to give and difficult to take.   

  

    I think that Tracy needs to think of the advice she would give a sister or good friend if they were faced with what she is facing.   If it were my sister, I would tell her to get the best lawyer and get herself financially free from her husband.  Sometimes our head needs to make the decision and in time our heart will follow and accept the decision.  We all need to teach others how to treat us.   

  

   Advice to the Mistress.... be careful history has a tendency to repeat itself.  Next time, look for a single guy....you deserve to have a person's attention to yourself.  Sharing is good thing but this treats you like an object rather than a person with a heart and soul.    

  

   Charles -I would advise counseling to find out what is missing in your life.  What is causing you to want to interject excitement in your life?    Charles, I think your mistress will become dull and boring in the future.   Charles maybe take time to reflect on your goals in life and to work on building your self esteem by yourself.   Maybe you should go back to school and learn something new or decide on a sport you have always wanted to do.   

  

  

To all three-  Life is too short to waste on dead ends. It is tough to miss out on things that were always there but we don't slow down to notice them.    Sometimes we are just driving in the wrong direction.   It is too bad that people cannot live like people I know who have beat cancer.....life seems to have clear goals to them.  They don't waste time hurting themselves or others.  They appreciate their family and friends and take time to look at the little gifts in life. 

Good luck to all three of you to find the life you want to lead. 

Grateful6 

 
February 1, 2006, 1:13 pm CST

02/02 Twisted Love

Quote From: judyblue22

It is really really difficult to tell people the secret needs and desires one has. So many people have repressive, guilt ridden feelings about their own sexuality and feel that being open and honest about their sexuality would make them unlovable.  Your partner took the big risk of telling you the things he would really like to do-that is really scary in a relationship.  Have you told him YOUR secrets too? 

  

Once you know what each of you desire, then it is just a matter of negotiating ways to meet those desires. There are lots of options, from role playing to trading nights to opening your marriage to others. If you both are committed to making each other happy, you can find a solution.  

  

We have developed some rules for problem solving communications that help us find answers to our problems:  

  1. It is important to understand each other well-to know where each other's sensitivities are.  When you are calm and reasonable is the time to talk about your triggers and how they affect you. It is hard to tell someone the doubts and fears that trigger insecurity. After all...you are insecure about them.  This step is hard but it is important. You can agree that you will always be sure not to touch on certain things. You want to communicate not wound.
  2. It is best to wait until anger and upset fades to discuss relationship issues. Set a meeting time for when you will be rested, relaxed and not rushed. Sometimes we prepare for a communication meeting by making love :)
  3. The first step is for both of you to identify the problems. Be prepared for your partner's problem(s) NOT to be the same as yours. At this meeting, make it your goal to completely understand all aspects of HIS problem and have him try his best to understand yours.
  4. You are trying to understand here-not defend yourself or blame the other. Don't do any 'historical' talks. Looking backwards with blame or recriminations is pointless and wastes precious time and emotional energy. You may want to skewer him with exactly WHY you have been cold and distant, but focus instead on defining the problem from his point of view and understanding his needs and explaining your own to him.
  5. Once you are able to explain to him his problem to him and he can do the same for you-you understand the problem(s). Now take a break of 2-3 days. You have to digest the information and get over any anger or hurt that arose thus far. This is the crucial step-don't rush to solutions.
  6. Once you feel ready to meet again,  brainstorm for ideas that will solve the problems. The only rule with this phase is that you have to solve all of the problems, not just your own. Don't evaluate the answers, just generate them.  Dream here, make the perfect answers, make ugly answers, make up any answer that solves the problems. The answer you don't say because it is stupid may just be the idea he needs to hit on a good solution.
  7. Take some time to explore the options. Check out the costs, available resources, think about them, maybe consult anyone that might be affected.
  8. Then choose one solution to try out. Give yourselves a time period to try out this solution-a day, a week , a month.  After the time is up, meet to evaluate how it worked.

I really appreciate what you said here.  You are totally right that it took a lot for my husband to open up and tell me what he is thinking.  What I decide to do with it is unknown to me right now, but I need to tell him I am thankful he feels that comfortable with me to share his most intimate thoughts and fantasies.  My initial reaction was probably more hurtful than helpful, and the last thing I want to do in our marriage is slam the door on a line of communication he was trying to open. 

  

Your advice is very good and I am going to follow it.  I appreciate all the websites everyone has put out there.   I have looked at quite a few.  I still feel that I am a monogamous person and will probably not come around to the idea of anything like poly.  I do however think I could come around to other solutions like other people have mentioned-i.e. role play, etc.  Thank you all for sharing your ideas and stories.   

 
February 1, 2006, 1:48 pm CST

You may be surprised!

Quote From: judyblue22

I doubt if you will find anyone who disagrees that pressuring an unwilling person to live in a poly lifestyle is wrong.  It has been said and said on this board and elsewhere.  Polyamory is the right choice when everyone is freely consenting and everyone's needs are being met. 

  

I don't know the exact situation regarding the couple beng profiled on Thursday except that the wife does not wish to engage in a polyamorous lifestyle. Because of that fact alone,  my answer would be the same as Dr. Phil's-it is wrong to force it on her.   

I'm pretty sure that  Dr. Phil's advice won't be that of focusing on her being "pressured" to live/become involved in a certain lifestyle. From what  he said on another show where the husband wanted to add a woman into the "marriage bed",  I can almost be certain it will be something along the lines of:  In my 30 years of counseling...it is NEVER a good thing to bring another person into your bed.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it!   :)

Happily Monogomous
 
February 1, 2006, 1:48 pm CST

OK

Quote From: pennynicol

 I fully support your right to your beliefs and relationships, even if they don't work for me. That's what freedom is all about and I will stand up for anyone in that regard.

There is only controvery because people feel they have a RIGHT to tell us how we should structure our relationships. Even if it WAS about sex, I'm not in your bedroom..why are you in mine?




Hey, you're welcome to come in my bedroom, nobody there but me and my kitty.
 
February 1, 2006, 2:02 pm CST

02/02 Twisted Love

Quote From: sheltie2

I'm pretty sure that  Dr. Phil's advice won't be that of focusing on her being "pressured" to live/become involved in a certain lifestyle. From what  he said on another show where the husband wanted to add a woman into the "marriage bed",  I can almost be certain it will be something along the lines of:  In my 30 years of counseling...it is NEVER a good thing to bring another person into your bed.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it!   :)

Happily Monogomous

Well, he obviously has never counselled any happily poly families....come to think of it, I don't know of any poly families that have ever needed counseling.  Must be something in it then, no? 

 
February 1, 2006, 2:06 pm CST

Twisted Love

This is a no brainer.  Whatever happened to love, honor and cherish?  In my wedding vows there was no mention of sharing my husband with another woman and I am not about to start now.  Where will it end?  The consequences you might have to pay will be dear.  Respect yourself and your body for he clearly does not.  Give the bum an ultimatum of either/or but not both.  Sure he may choose her but what have you lost but someone who was unfaithful to begin with and clearly had no intention of being faithful.  Good luck!
 
February 1, 2006, 2:28 pm CST

02/02 Twisted Love

I am looking forward to seeing this show.  I already feel sorry for the wife. 

It appears that he was cheating on her and then decided to bring her into his life and get his wife to condone HIS choice.  She wants him to approove HIS lifestyle.   

  

Kick em to the curb and let him have his mistress! 

  

This is not polygamy, etc.  That involves consenting participants.  If cheatin hubby here wants to change the game rules and bully his wife into this...that is NOT consent. 

  

I wonder if he is looking for convienience and a "trap door" to just have his wife if the mistress/poly thing does not work out.  Many men also string their wives along while they hook up with other women....it's CHEAPER than divorce.   

 
February 1, 2006, 2:34 pm CST

why bother?

Quote From: judyblue22

Well, he obviously has never counselled any happily poly families....come to think of it, I don't know of any poly families that have ever needed counseling.  Must be something in it then, no? 

Why bother getting married if you aren't going to forsake all others??? Seems hypocritical.
 
February 1, 2006, 2:41 pm CST

I totally agree with you!

Quote From: voxlady

This is a no brainer.  Whatever happened to love, honor and cherish?  In my wedding vows there was no mention of sharing my husband with another woman and I am not about to start now.  Where will it end?  The consequences you might have to pay will be dear.  Respect yourself and your body for he clearly does not.  Give the bum an ultimatum of either/or but not both.  Sure he may choose her but what have you lost but someone who was unfaithful to begin with and clearly had no intention of being faithful.  Good luck!
As I just posted in response to another message, why bother getting married if you aren't going to love honor and cherish, and forsake all others?  As for the wife on the show, I'd kick the bum out swift and hard! Let him have his cake, he doesn't sound like much of a prize!  She wouldn't be losing much and may have alot to gain such as improving her self esteem.
 
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