Topic : 06/26 Twisted Love

Quote From: lindsey35

I have been in a position similar (not exactly the same) as Tracy's.    In my case my ex was lying to us both.    Please remember that Tracy was emotionally exhausted, upset (lost 30lbs!), prob not sleeping well, stressed to the max, etc.   I don't know if she was emotionally abused during her whole marriage, but if she was she will have been merely hanging on by her "emotional finger nails" by this time .....she will have been pretty incapable of making a rational decision and communicating effectively what she really wanted.. ....which I expect she does at "normal" times.  Emotional exhaustion and massive  confusion is what I remember most when I was in similar situation.   I had a huge web of lies to sift thru, and kids to look after.   (Life goes on).   

  

I wonder if Tracy had the truth?    Spouses of people leading secret lives rarely do.    I think it's understandable that she "swithered" about what to do.   I certainly did for some time.   Am I repeating myself?   Oh well.   I am sick. 

  

These always make me laugh, and I am going to share them.    When I was with my ex I implored him to get help for several years (after I discovered his addication).     He told me "I don't need help.    YOU are my counselor".    We talked endlessly (endlessly!) about his problems/childhood/etc/etc.        As soon as he got with g.f.  he told everybody  "It's SO nice to finally have someone to talk to".    Ha ha ha.    What a trickster!      

  

Also when the girlfriend called our house he told me she was a nuisance, and he had told her not to call,  but couldn't get rid of her.    Can anyone spell slippery?    Slippery indeed!    What a hoot!    

Quote From: karbow

How in heaven's name did Tracy lead this slut on? She knew he was marrierd and never spoke to Tracy until after the affair. If the Other woman had any morals she would never have slept with a married man, with or woihout the wife's consent. In my opinion the other  woman got what she deserved.

Quote From: my_2angels

Who are you to tell any woman that her marriage is a "sham" if she was married in a church but chooses to live an alternative lifestyle? Not only is that not your judgement to make, but it's rude and very un-Christian-like. I'm sure any woman (or man) with half a brain can see the difference between adults consenting to live a polyamourous lifestyle (which means emotional connection and involvement more then sexual) and a teenage girl spending the night with a football team. 

  

Let's focus more on intolerance and the judgemental behavior of some people as the "destruction" of society and less on who sleeps with or who loves who. 

Quote From: tavon06

man your dude was some piece of work..what are these men thinking ...they need a good slap in the head to bring them back to reality .....i have one at home that needs a good dose of reality as well.. all the stress they put you thru ,for what? grrrrr just makes me sick to think about it

Quote From: lunnychick

 Hi there realgood 2u...

That law is in Ca. ...Family Code 1100b....the gifting of community property requires the spouses approval.....signature on paper. If you read further in the code it says you can sue the "louses for the recovery of illegally transferred property...without having to file for divorce and I also believe there can be punitive damages as well to "teach them a lesson" for the damages they inflicted "financially".


This case won in Washington State on a similar code...THe mistress had to pay back the Widow for gifts made without the wife's consent to the mistress.

I don't know of a case in  Ca.  but the law is on the books!  Ca. code is easy to read...know your rights!

Quote From: annabn

A church is a "religious" place of worship.  The Christian faith....(not denomination) makes it clear, that marriage is a  "covenant" made by a man a woman before God (or whatever name you use to describe the creator).  In the Old Testament, the commandment (not suggestion) makes it clear that you shall not commit adultery.  Can't get any plainer than that.   Marriage vows, love, honor, cherish, and my favorite "forsake all others".   "IF"....and I do mean "IF" these were the vows the couple we are discussing....or for that matter any other couple who were married in a church...recited these vows.......then go against the promises they made to "EACH OTHER" and to their Creator....then YES, deary, the marriage is a SHAM.  The covenant has been broken.   

  

Judgemental????....it's in black and white....handed down for generations.......and recited every day,, every hour in churches around the world.   Un Christian like????......not hardly....just keen observation.  These folks chose to air their problem on national tv.....and human nature dictates judgement based on core value systems which stem from the practice of religion.  Ok, now who is practicing tolerance here???  

  

Do you honestly think that everyone should go against their core belief system and remain silent in order to espouse their Christian beliefs?   You belief system seems to think this is ok.........remember that when your daughter/son decides to marry.   Just tell 'em to skip it......that way they can bed hop without the shame.....after all it's a free society....ain't it?    Speaking of which .....the "destruction" you refer........30/40 yrs ago.....unwed pregnacy was not looked upon favorably.....now millions of children are living in the welfare turnstile.    Not  judgement.....a fact.  STD's have been on the rise....and have become more deadly if left untreated.   Again...not a judgement, a fact.   Has society benefitted from this "freedom of love"?   Look around and you will see the answer is no.    

  

With the good half of my brain....I see clearly enough to understand that a polyamourous lifestyle is tolarable.....but not in the confines of "marriage".........as marriage is a covenant.....civil union is a legal term combining assets to be shared.  Render unto Caesar....so to speak.   Again, not my rules....but the belief system of many on this board.   And in the name of "tolerance"......why are you and others so "intolerant" of their voices?    it works both ways. 

Quote From: lindsey35

Sorry to hear you are trapped and stressed.    If there is anything I want anyone (male or female) reading this to know, it is that there IS life after life with a "piece of work".    You recover, and frankly I laugh about a lot of the stuff that happened back then.    I cannot believe I was so led by the nose for so long by the person I thought was my friend and lover....he used to say we were a "team" and it was us against the world.    (Laughing as I type that).   For years he played "dedicated family man" while at the same time leading a completely secret life of debauchery when away from home.  Been doing this since he was a teen.   He admitted all to me in the end...about the kinks and all  (but of course won't admit that to anyone else and just discredits me as being "nuts".   No matter). 

  

I forgive him (because I now understand sexual addiction) but doesn't mean I have to like him or trust him.     Forgiveness has been the key to finding happiness again.    I have someone kind, compassionate, totally trustworthy and honest in my life now.     It is like a long cold drink of water after years stumbling around a harsh desert.    Thank you Lord.   I hope ex gets help some day, but doubt if he will ever be able to face up to the truth of his situation.    Truth is not his strong point.  They (sex addicts) lose the ability to tell the difference between reality and their own rationalizations.    They become, in effect, pathological liars.    They actually believe their own lies.  

  

Anyway Tracy I hope you find happiness with or without your man.    I feel for you.   Good luck to anyone going thru this out there.   I''ve been thru it and have come out the other side.    Don't usually think about it all that much (too busy having fun), until I found myself on this board reading all your stories.    Brought a lot of it back.    Have a hundred stories to tell.    Very cathartic!    I am sick and stuck at home so taking part here for the first time has been a good way to pass the time.    Back to work soon.  

     

Quote From: ejdyson

Marriage is not designed to provide mutual fulfillment of sexual desire, since sex is only for procreation. If a marriage was supposed to provide individuals with sexual (or emotional) gratification as you believe, then leaving a marriage because those needs are not met is justified, and Charles is justified in pursuing an extra-marital affair. In the Bible, adultery is not acceptable just because the fires of sexual passion have died, the relationship is a disappointment or even if the husband and wife have completely stopped loving each other. God, in His wisdom, may permit all love to depart from a marriage as the consequence of sin, just as He hardened the Pharoah's heart for Moses. We must accept this punishment and not question God by seeking love elsewhere.

Quote From: hizbrat

Tracy agreed the "other woman" and Charles, did not become intimate until AFTER Charles spoke with Tracy about it. Tracy did not speak up at that time, so whether you agree with the lifestyle (which I don't live) or not, Tracy lead both her husband and this woman to believe she was willing to try this lifestyle.  

  

I don't know that Charles or Tracy had the tools with which to navigate their own relationship, much less try something which appears (at least to me) to be even more complex than a "normal" (for lack of a better descriptive work) relationship. But that is a moot issue, they tried it, and they have moved on and away from this lifestlye. Their choice, they are adults. 

  

If we are saying that any one person got what they deserved in this "relationship"; then quite frankly, they all got what they deserved. 

  

When are we going to learn that we are each responsible for behavior we accept from other people?  

  

When are we going to learn that we are each responsible for communicating our needs, wishes, desires, and feelings to our partners? 

  

If we continue open and honest communication from the beginning, it would be hard for someone to mistreat us to the point of destroying our self worth and self esteem. You state how you feel; the other person accepts it or not and you move either on together or apart. Pretty simple really. It is those who are too afraid of "losing someone" or "giving someone up" who have issues doing this. And if you are not speaking your feelings YOU never really "had" them anyway, the person you were PRETENDING to be who "had" them.