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Topic : 02/10 Last Chance

Number of Replies: 343
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Created on : Friday, February 03, 2006, 04:22:21 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

If your marriage is on the rocks, how do you know whether to call it quits or give it one more try? April says that after only a few months of marriage, she received a voicemail on her cell phone from her husband, Jon, saying that he wanted a divorce. This was while she was in the hospital connected to a feeding tube! She says she has no idea what changed all of a sudden and wants some answers. Jon just wants her to sign the divorce papers. Should they try to work things out and give their marriage another try? Then, Kristen is torn between keeping her family and marriage together, or keeping the sparks alive with her current lover. Her husband, Brian, recently moved back into their house because he wants to try and save their eight-year marriage. Does a marriage that was started by infidelity and hurt by infidelity have a chance of surviving? Dr. Phil has strong advice for these parents who are fighting, lying and cheating -- all in front of their young children. Join the discussion.

 

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February 9, 2006, 4:45 am CST

02/10 Last Chance

Quote From: coachsers

My marriage of ten years is on the brink of divorce.  I am a husband that was not supportive and accepting of my wifes feelings.  She has taken care of our kids and me with all of her being and she feels she has nothing for herself.  We have been separated for 2 months and she wants a divorce but I dont.  She says she does not love me anymore.  I have taken responsibility for my actions.  My wife just wants to feel like an equal partner.  I have to change my life and myself in the way I treat people.  I want to change and save my marriage.  I want to be a good Fathetr and a good Husband to my wife and all I need is a chance..  THere is so much anger and resentment on her part that it seems thse feeling are covering her heart.  She had been so dedicated to me, I want to stand by her now.  Can Anyone relate to this?

My husband is in the same position as you are. As I am in a similar situation as your wife, I can understand her resentment. I do not resent my husband, however I know if things continue, it will come to that.  

I wish my husband would join this message board. I believe these message boards are beneficial to all.  

I do not know the depth of your wife's feelings, however based on the resentment and anger (which will eventually turn into hurt and then acceptance) she feels, it is safe to say your marraige may really be over. But, hasn't it truely been over for some time? I don't want to upset you, but take the space she wants and put it to your benefit and grow from it personally. There is much life to live after a divorce.  

I am not divorced, but I feel it is in my future from the way I am feeling lately. I think I always knew something was deeply missing in my marraige, but never admitted it to anyone else. I narely admitted it to myself. Marraige should never be entered into lightly and I certainly did not. I had realistic expectations and gave it lots of thought, but that still is not a guarantee. Once I came to terms with the fact my marraige was not a marraige, I knew I would survive the outcome, whether it be divorce or working through our problems and making this work.  

Truth is, only time will tell. It is a day to day work in progress. 

Good luck in your personal journey. Reconnect with family, with your children, and with your wife on a different level. Take this hardship and make it a positive. 

 
February 9, 2006, 6:52 am CST

02/10 Last Chance

Quote From: lisaann88

Hey, not sure how old you are and it may be that your young, I'm not sure. Do you have a best friend? Imagine the man in your life being your best friend. Imagine if he looked forward to any time he might get to spend with you and would gladly forgo every weekend at the bar because he'd rather hang around with you and the kids and actually like it. Sounds like your hubby doesn't want to be agrown up and maybe finds you and the kids to be a responsibility that he'd rather escape. Stop being the crazy stalker wife who spends all her time chasing around someone who doesn't want to be with her. Get a life of your own and interests of your own. While hes gone, take the kids to the zoo or join classes - hey whatever your thing is. Be too busy to worry about him. It will make him wonder where and when you became a person without him. And you are, you know, a person with or without him. If your problems lie in doing the same old dance...this may help find you more interesting and improve your situation. On the other hand, you may find that you are far more interesting than you thought you were and you really won't care if hes around or not. Interesting people attract others and looks often don't have anything to do with it. I bet you will be surprised by what you learn about yourself once you get looking for interesting things about your self.  

Rather than say " Leave the bum - right here and now" I thought you could use some tools in getting to that point. Remember your children are watching and they're learning, show them how to be a person.....all on your own.   Good luck!!!! 

 I like the reply of the previous message.  No one can tell you whether or not to leave your spouse and you probably won't listen to them anyway.  I have been going through a similar situation with my husband and even though he was the one who didn't come home til 12:00 or later most days and played softball every weekend without including the family, I didn't request the divorce, he did.  He tried to kick me out of the house and yelled all my indiscretions through the house so that my kids know way more than they should.  Of course, he doesn't admit to any wrong doings (by the way he also had affairs while he was out all hours of the night).  I had more than enough evidence to support every reason why we should divorce but when he said he wanted to work things out, I agreed to do it.  Well, that didn't last long.  He brought his latest girlfriend out to my daughter's game and of course she's just a "friend".  That's what it took for me to throw my hands up and say no more.  I had to be humiliated and embarrased in public.  He was basically throwing it in my face that he could do whatever he wanted and I should be okay with that.  Like Dr. Phil says, "Why shouldn't he?"  I've been letting him get away with this behavior for two plus years now.   Personally, I'm much happier without the stress of wondering where he is.  Raising kids alone is hard but it's even harder knowing that someone else should be there but refuses to plug in.
 
February 9, 2006, 7:25 am CST

Ouch!!!!

Quote From: nfilling

I am in the same situation right now.  I am 33 years old and have been married for 10 years and with my husband for 14 years.  We have three children.  Back in September, my husband informed me by cell phone, that when he got off of work that day he was packing his clothes and leaving.  He said he "needed space and time".  I was rather upset about this because I truly love my husband and thought he was my soul mate and best friend.  We had the best times together.  Anyhow, about a month later I found out he was talking to a neighbor four houses up (she doesn't have a good track record).  Come to find out, I caught her sleeping at his apartment and things have been down hill from  there.  My older two children haven't talked to their dad for quite some time and I have filled for divorce.  My husband is lying to his lawyer and trying to make me be the bad parent here.  I am just emotionally upset about all of this.  The question is, if my husband regretted what happened and  he wanted to come home, should I?  Part of me says yes, because I honor my wedding vows but another part of me doesn't think I can accept what he has done not just to me but to our children as this neighbor was a good friend of mine and the children looked up to her.  Any help, I would appreciate it because it has been one big mess and I am tired of hurting, crying and fighting.

OMG, thats got to hurt. Sounds like your still dreaming that he is going to feel sorry for what he is doing and want to come back.  I guess if I were you I'd ask myself..."Am I really that desperate or I am a stronger person than that?" From an outsiders perspective..you sound kind of wishy washy and weak and sad. I bet deep down...your alot tougher than that....Look deep and find out for yourself. 

 Wedding vows are words you spoke when you both were in love....all things change...and you have to change with them. Your using these vows as an excuse to be clinging to a man that doesn't want you. Hyou needto ard and cold truth. Your husband cares a great deal about himself....and obviously no one else. This other woman satisfies only his need to gratify himself. Reach around yourself and give yourself a big hug if you can. I mean it, physically do it. It feels quite good.  

I had a friend that was in a similar circumstance as you and she never quit hoping that her husband would come back and be sorry. She eventually starting drinking etc. and became nothing but an empty shell that spent all her time focused on her bitterness for this man. Deal Lord...don't do that to yourself. This man doesn't want to be with you.....its nothing wrong with you (look at Prince Charles choosing Camilla over Diana??) it just means the fates want to learn more about yourself. 

Repicture this whole event...make it all about you and not him. In fact start making your own life all about you......what can you do for yourself? Go find out girl!!!! get your self busy with other things and leave him to rot in his dark hole of selfism. Even if he does want to come back one day (which I doubt) you need to be in a position, at that time, to make that desicion based on your own self esteem. If you have a library in your area..go and read about self esteem and raising it. Your husband and this other lady are moving forward together and without you...maybe it will work...maybe it won't ....but who cares!!!!! make today the day that you do something special for yourself and don't even allow him to be in your thoughts...just for one whole day...then work on tomorrow. 

 
February 9, 2006, 12:04 pm CST

Thank you

Quote From: faraway67

I am a wife in a situation like yours-  

  

My husband was not supportive in ANY way; while I put my whole being into taking care of everyone and supporting everyone and the household.  

  

I asked him to leave, he wanted to work things out, but not make any changes. He moved out almost a year ago.  

  

He said he still loved me, but would not choose me and two young sons over his playing with race cars and his redneck friends and improper relationships/friendships with other women. 

  

I still  want to work things out, but this means making changes he is not willing to make.  

  

I would willingly make changes to accomodate, but only if they are healthy changes, not enabling poor behavior! 

  

My advice to you is to make changes in yourself NOW, let her know you are making these changes, regardless of whether you get back together- and then let her have time to watch your efforts. Perhaps she can come to respect you again, and perhaps she still has feelings and a desire to make a family life with you.  

  

Be patient, her resentment, anger, and frustration are not going to disappear overnight. 

  

She needs to be able to respect you and be proud of you, or she will never be able to love you and make a life with you. 

I have realized my mistakes and want to be a better person cause of it.   I can make all the promises in the world, but as they say it takes a second to make a promise but it takes a lifetime to keep.  Thanks for the advice and I am taking it one day at a time.  I hope all works out for you and your family.  Have a graet day.
 
February 9, 2006, 5:18 pm CST

Broken Heart

 am new to this site and not sure where I belong!  My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have three great kids.  More than one person could ever hope for.  Our marriage has had it's share of ups and downs mostly downs.  Within a few days a big down has come to face.  I am that girl that sits at the table with her friends and listens while they say they think their spouse or love is cheating and stats how they drive by their places of work to check.  I speak up in a strong and powerful voice "My husband whould never do that and would never hide anything for me".  Look who should open mouth insert foot.  I came home from a weekend spent trying to make my sister smile and to stop worrying about her love to find that mine has opened a private email account.  That's not all!!  Inside the new email account was a confirmation of a three month subscription to a online amature site of girls in their panties and in most cases nothing.  I know to men this isn't a big deal but to me it hurts more than I ever thought possible.  I don't know what to do, it has been three days and I can't eat nor can I look at him.   When I think about that site I want to be sick.  When I confronted him he told me "It was no big deal".  I was then told "To get over it".  What is happening here?  The question of divorce has come up in my mind a few times not just after this and I wonder if that is where we are heading.  He doesn't at all seem to be upset that I am hurt or that I am questioning divorce.  Is it possible that it just might not matter?  I think I am a good wife and mom.  I have been going to night school for a year and have one more year left.  As a wife is it expected that I just forget it and move on?  I can't, I can't even breath.  He won't talk about it and when he does he looks for things to throw back in my face.  This isn't a surprise to me whenever there was a problem he would always throw something in there to turn the tables.  In his mind he does no wrong and that everthing is on me. I am sick of fighting, I am sick of being sad.  I ask myself if I would miss him if he was gone?  I can't answer that fully.  I say yes I would be sad only because of the years but years not amounting of much happiness isn't missed I don't think.  He is great at his career and has come along way, I just don't think he wants marriage and kids anymore.  If he did he would fight and I know I have for 12 years and can't anymore.  Please help!! He was my superman!!
 
February 10, 2006, 2:02 am CST

Hi, April you are very pretty.

Do not let him, or anyone destroy you.  I wish I could give you 30 lbs. 

  

I went through a divorce,  my mom was dying, My bother in law,had a heart condition;  was over eating, and eating salt on purpose,. He died, I was close to him. 

 I Was forced out of a good career; 

I wanted to get shot in 1983, and yelled at them to do it. I know how you feel, But did it another way. 

   

Do not let anyone, destroy you, emotionally, spiritually or physically.  What happened in the past, I have learned and made me stronger. 

  

If you are in Northern Part of Indiana, E-mail me,  If you go through a divorce,  and went through all the emotions. . 

  

We would go out. 

  

Take care, Love  John 

 
February 10, 2006, 4:27 am CST

02/10 Last Chance

Dont marry the mentally ill, theres just too many problems that you wont be able to solve. I couldnt believe how controlling the anorexic wife was, I dont know anyone who would put up with that. cleaning the shower and sink after every shower? get a life.
I also loved it when she said all women want to lose weight when they get engaged. I'd say no, only the insecure and unstable women want that.
 
February 10, 2006, 6:02 am CST

02/10 Last Chance

Quote From: mom12yrof3

 am new to this site and not sure where I belong!  My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have three great kids.  More than one person could ever hope for.  Our marriage has had it's share of ups and downs mostly downs.  Within a few days a big down has come to face.  I am that girl that sits at the table with her friends and listens while they say they think their spouse or love is cheating and stats how they drive by their places of work to check.  I speak up in a strong and powerful voice "My husband whould never do that and would never hide anything for me".  Look who should open mouth insert foot.  I came home from a weekend spent trying to make my sister smile and to stop worrying about her love to find that mine has opened a private email account.  That's not all!!  Inside the new email account was a confirmation of a three month subscription to a online amature site of girls in their panties and in most cases nothing.  I know to men this isn't a big deal but to me it hurts more than I ever thought possible.  I don't know what to do, it has been three days and I can't eat nor can I look at him.   When I think about that site I want to be sick.  When I confronted him he told me "It was no big deal".  I was then told "To get over it".  What is happening here?  The question of divorce has come up in my mind a few times not just after this and I wonder if that is where we are heading.  He doesn't at all seem to be upset that I am hurt or that I am questioning divorce.  Is it possible that it just might not matter?  I think I am a good wife and mom.  I have been going to night school for a year and have one more year left.  As a wife is it expected that I just forget it and move on?  I can't, I can't even breath.  He won't talk about it and when he does he looks for things to throw back in my face.  This isn't a surprise to me whenever there was a problem he would always throw something in there to turn the tables.  In his mind he does no wrong and that everthing is on me. I am sick of fighting, I am sick of being sad.  I ask myself if I would miss him if he was gone?  I can't answer that fully.  I say yes I would be sad only because of the years but years not amounting of much happiness isn't missed I don't think.  He is great at his career and has come along way, I just don't think he wants marriage and kids anymore.  If he did he would fight and I know I have for 12 years and can't anymore.  Please help!! He was my superman!!

You are right to feel that something is wrong. Men don't talk. I don't know if it is something they just don't know how to do or if it is something they just don't want to do. I would defiantly suggest that you find someone a therapist or a preacher to speak to. Give yourself time to make the decision that you will be able to live with weather that be staying or leaving. I feel for you. I had to leave my husband of six years because of things he wanted to bring into the marriage things I could not in good conscious do. Now I am remarried to a man who is my ideal. He is a good man. There is hope, don't give up. Seek out help and then make your decision. I am sure if it is a well thought out decision it will be the right one. God bless you. 

 
February 10, 2006, 6:15 am CST

02/10 Last Chance

Quote From: coachsers

I have realized my mistakes and want to be a better person cause of it.   I can make all the promises in the world, but as they say it takes a second to make a promise but it takes a lifetime to keep.  Thanks for the advice and I am taking it one day at a time.  I hope all works out for you and your family.  Have a graet day.
Sir may I say I truly sympathize with you but have you thought about the possibility that she may not give you a chance to prove you have changed and proceed with the divorce. You are right though you do need to make changes you have children who will benefit from seeing their father start making the right decisions and show them how a man should treat women. I want to say though now would be a good time to become your wife's friend. Even if you don't get back together your children will benefit from a friendly relationship between their parents. Remember no matter what this is still their mother and anything negative against her is a negative against them too. I hope that you are able to make the changes in your life and I hope you have learned from your mistakes if you have you will succeed in your future relationships weather that be with your wife or another woman. It will defiantly improve your relationship with your children.
 
February 10, 2006, 6:41 am CST

02/10 Last Chance

Quote From: hatman5

Dont marry the mentally ill, theres just too many problems that you wont be able to solve. I couldnt believe how controlling the anorexic wife was, I dont know anyone who would put up with that. cleaning the shower and sink after every shower? get a life.
I also loved it when she said all women want to lose weight when they get engaged. I'd say no, only the insecure and unstable women want that.

I agree. Did you see the look she gave him when he first came out and commented that she looked good? She rolled her eyes!  He is up against a wall with her that he didnt put up and he would never break down.  

  

She is selfish. Its up to her if she wants to cut the little drama queen act and stop blaming everyone else for everything that isn't picture perfect in her life OR NOT, but let him go. Then she can get help she needs and move on to someone better suited for her, but I suspect if the next man doesn't bow down to her feet and succumb to every temper tantrum she has, it's not going to work either.  

  

I just don't beleive in creating the problems and then playing the victim and basking in it.  

 
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