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Topic : 02/10 Last Chance

Number of Replies: 343
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Created on : Friday, February 03, 2006, 04:22:21 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

If your marriage is on the rocks, how do you know whether to call it quits or give it one more try? April says that after only a few months of marriage, she received a voicemail on her cell phone from her husband, Jon, saying that he wanted a divorce. This was while she was in the hospital connected to a feeding tube! She says she has no idea what changed all of a sudden and wants some answers. Jon just wants her to sign the divorce papers. Should they try to work things out and give their marriage another try? Then, Kristen is torn between keeping her family and marriage together, or keeping the sparks alive with her current lover. Her husband, Brian, recently moved back into their house because he wants to try and save their eight-year marriage. Does a marriage that was started by infidelity and hurt by infidelity have a chance of surviving? Dr. Phil has strong advice for these parents who are fighting, lying and cheating -- all in front of their young children. Join the discussion.

 

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February 10, 2006, 6:42 am CST

Is it justme?

I'm sorry, but I can absolutely see John's side of things.  I at first got the impression that he was a weak jerk who ran at the first sign of trouble, but after hearing his side, I understand his leaving.  Think about it.  He was a bartender, working until, what at least 1:00 AM?  Then to have rules regarding his showering etc before bed, and to have to leave before dawn because his wife or gf whatever needed her mornings??  That's called sleep deprivation, baby, a form of abuse!  I would have left then.  This chick plays the victim, but she has responsibility is this breakdown, to put it all on him isn't fair, and I think Dr. Phil was unfair to this guy.  Btw, I have known many women who have separated, and not one of them has waited for the divorce to be final before embarking on a  relationship with someone new, and they are not  foolish women, just women who have made the decision to move on and have done so.  When you have put your all into a relationship, simply to find you' the only one working on it, you don't want to waste more precious time"earning " his way out.
 
February 10, 2006, 6:47 am CST

I think it's an easy way out to say just leave

Quote From: jezabelly

I have been in a relationship for 12 years now, we met when we were 16 and have 5 beautiful children. And where do i begin, we both brought to this relationship many problems from our childhood in hope that we could both fix each other but as life goes on we just continue to hurt one another. 3 weeks into our relationship i slept with an ex-boyfriend and then told him about it i thought it was right to be honnest but i think i told him to test him to see how much he cared and although he said he loved me he has never gotten over it  still to this day when we fight and argue he calls me a slut and for years i let him put me down and treat me bad because i thought i deserved it. He feels he should be able to go out every weekend cause he works hard during the week, in the past he would go out straight after work on friday and sometimes we wouldnt see or hear from him until sunday or even monday, he would spend ALL his pay. feel bad and sorry for a day or 2 and before we know it it's friday again. And this has been going on now for more than 10 years. i have recently started to realize that this is no good and have been preparing myself to live my life without him because he says going to the pub with the boys is what he likes to do this is what makes him happy. I have treated him so bad because of this taken all his clothes to the pub and clubs when hes there and just chucked them everywhere saying' you dont wanna come home then dont come back at all' but he always does.i have emmbarrased myself and my children,ive physically hurt myself ive threatened to kill myself said and done so many shameful horrible things. I really dont know if what we have is LOVE being young was our excuse for a long time and i know love and relationships are not all fairy tales and butterflies but i really do wonder what is it that keeps us doing this time after time and i do feel if we didnt have the kids we probably wouldnt be together because we don't have anything else that binds us together no friendship, no time together no marrige vowels, NOTHING but our kids. So I really have to wonder what is the right thing to do. Sad and Confused.

I hear what you're saying about the 2 of you hurting each other & it seems it's something you've done over & over through the years, but if you look back at your post you both seem to invest yourselves in *self destructive* behavior as well.   When we see our spouse or someone treating us in a disrespectful way it's easy to think we should just cut them from our life & frankly this is what I would do when it isn't someone I've a real relationship with.  But when it comes to our family members I think it's a different thing & our spouse is family.  On top of this I think it's important for you to find out why you need to strike out at someone you love & hurt them & why you accept it in return.  If you read back you'll see that regardless of the reasoning you use the fact is that you do things that you know are going to hurt & then you point them right out to your spouse.  This isn't to lay blame on you but rather for me to point out you want to find out why it is you do what you do so that you can work on yourself.  Even if this relationship ends you don't want to continue to repeat these mistakes in future romantic relationships or in relationships with your children etc.  It's been said by many therapists (Dr. Phil included)  that people often divorce and then just continue to repeat the same relationship mistakes over & over.  

  

I think as long as you're saying things like "I really don't know" and "I don't know what holds us together besides the kids" then that means you shouldn't act in any manner that is going to be permenantly severing your marriage.  There are many people that share children and that does not stop them from walking out either.  Perhaps what binds you is a lot more than you realize?  You said you both had painful childhoods & from the outside it looks like you both ingage in self destructive behavior.  I think these are things worth exploring prior tojust walking away.  Even if children are the only thing that is binding you right now, that is a huge thing you share in common.  Rather than divorcing and starting completely over why don't you just stay where you are and start working on yourself with some counseling just for you & maybe some self reflection as well.  At the same time you may want to explain to your husband that you feel your marriage is failing and that you could use some marriage couseling.  As I read back I realize that you've never actually said that you're marriaed and just that you're in a relationship with each other.  You were and are young but I still believe the same could be true as if you were married.  Many people take vows & yet they don't really mean them &/or that isn't enough tohold them together.  Maybe you're both still there because in reality neither one wants to leave? 

  

 Rather than filing for divorce or seperating I think you need to just stop and get a hold of yourself.  Start doing things to put yourself  together emotionally.  Living where your are right now I would think would afford you the freedom of having a bit more money and the ability to do for yourself a bit more.  Having 5 kids is going to make it difficult on your own to just go on a weekend retreat or to a spa.  Do some things for yourself that are nice.  Be nice to yourself right now and then allow yourself to explore what your own emotional needs are.  If you & he thought that you were just going to be able to fix whatever was wrong in your childhood & now you see you're spinning out of control it's time to seek some help outside of the 2 of you.  Doing that doesn't mean you have to walk away from each other yet & walking away might just add to the horrible things done to you & him.  Him going out with the guys all the time might be his own self destructive behavior and the beginning of a drinking problem.  I just don't think that either of you have the ability to make clear rational decisions because there's so much turmoil & until you can make a clear & rational decisions I think you should just stay put.  You know the idea that you and he were going to be able to "fix each other" to me would mean you were looking to help heal each ohter.  Being more mature now you might see that helping each other might be in seeking some outside assistance.  I don't know you or him, but hearing you've 5 children together and all you've been through together I think you owe it to yourelves and each other to explore the posibility that maybe you just haven't found the personal help you both need and to try that before walking away.   

  

Of course that isn't indefinitely and once you have started to build some self esteem & if you're seeing that staying is just continuing to tear you down then yes you should break away.   

  

Good luck   

  

  

 
February 10, 2006, 7:08 am CST

Mom12yrof3 I wish I could help heal your heart :(

Quote From: mom12yrof3

 am new to this site and not sure where I belong!  My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have three great kids.  More than one person could ever hope for.  Our marriage has had it's share of ups and downs mostly downs.  Within a few days a big down has come to face.  I am that girl that sits at the table with her friends and listens while they say they think their spouse or love is cheating and stats how they drive by their places of work to check.  I speak up in a strong and powerful voice "My husband whould never do that and would never hide anything for me".  Look who should open mouth insert foot.  I came home from a weekend spent trying to make my sister smile and to stop worrying about her love to find that mine has opened a private email account.  That's not all!!  Inside the new email account was a confirmation of a three month subscription to a online amature site of girls in their panties and in most cases nothing.  I know to men this isn't a big deal but to me it hurts more than I ever thought possible.  I don't know what to do, it has been three days and I can't eat nor can I look at him.   When I think about that site I want to be sick.  When I confronted him he told me "It was no big deal".  I was then told "To get over it".  What is happening here?  The question of divorce has come up in my mind a few times not just after this and I wonder if that is where we are heading.  He doesn't at all seem to be upset that I am hurt or that I am questioning divorce.  Is it possible that it just might not matter?  I think I am a good wife and mom.  I have been going to night school for a year and have one more year left.  As a wife is it expected that I just forget it and move on?  I can't, I can't even breath.  He won't talk about it and when he does he looks for things to throw back in my face.  This isn't a surprise to me whenever there was a problem he would always throw something in there to turn the tables.  In his mind he does no wrong and that everthing is on me. I am sick of fighting, I am sick of being sad.  I ask myself if I would miss him if he was gone?  I can't answer that fully.  I say yes I would be sad only because of the years but years not amounting of much happiness isn't missed I don't think.  He is great at his career and has come along way, I just don't think he wants marriage and kids anymore.  If he did he would fight and I know I have for 12 years and can't anymore.  Please help!! He was my superman!!

I know how they hurt & please know there are people who hear you and will keep you in their prayers & will send you well wishes that this man come to his senses or that there will be some means to help heal your heart.   

  

I believe power009 has said it best & I'm in full agreement with her and you.  Something else had occured to me as well as I read through your post & hers.  I'm almost afraid to ask this but with the idea in mind that men are so afraid to speak up about things do you think that he's looking for you to end things because he can't?  I mean do you think it's easier for him to be doing things he knows are going to be untolerated by you & then tell you to "get over it" as a means of getting you to say "get out" or "I'm leaving"?  I thought I'd heard some where that sometimes people will do this because they cannot bring themselves to say "I want out".  I've never really understood the logic behind this because I'd think it would take a lot more crust to stand there inflicking this kind of pain on a person than just ending a relationship.  It struck me though that maybe this is the reason he doesn't seem upset that this has hurt you or he isn't upset with you considering divorce and doesn't fight to keep you together?  That is cowardly and again I'm sorry for your broken heart.  I'll keep you in my prayers and thoughts.   

 
February 10, 2006, 7:17 am CST

MOVE ON GIRLFRIEND, YOU ARE TOO BEAUTIFUL!

This is to comment on the 02/10 Dr. Phil Show and how April affected me during the show. 

I totally think this guy is a putz for doing what he did, sorry, just being honest.  

She is a beautiful girl and he should be so lucky as to be with her and see her through her tough time and what she is going through.  He did marry her for better and for worse.  I wonder whether he received counseling as well for the disorder by a licensed professional during the time she was in the hospital.  He doesn't sound like he has gotten any, because he so resentful to her for what he says, she put him through.  She was definitely sick and needed help desperately and her actions were because of that.  In other words it was the sickness that was treating him bad, I don't believe it was her. 

  

I think it's true.  She and him have to begin their lives now at this point.  They can't go back and fix or dwell on it.  I think they have to start perhaps with different people in their lives from this point forward.  I'm sure she sees her self and him in a total different light now that she is totally in a different place in her life. 

  

I just would like to offer my words of encouragement to April that she is a really strong lady and has come sooo far with treating her illness.  I say, move on girl, you have so much to offer to yourself and to the world.  You definitely don't need this negative person in your life.  You will find that man that loves you and appreciates you!  You are doing the right thing and I applaude you!!! 

  

A listener from Sunrise, FL  

Virginia.  

 
February 10, 2006, 7:18 am CST

miss anorexia...

  

      well i think this couple definetly needs to move on. it's a shame they even got married with her illness as bad as it is. maybe he didn't realize she was so controling until after he married her and moved in with her. anyway i think he should've been a better support system for her . even if he wasn't interested in being with her anymore, he could've still given her the support of a friend. i think he's totally out of the relationship and should definetly move on. why must he be so cold hearted though. gosh he said he was in love with her and married her... that's crazy! i just hope she is able to move forward with new relationships and keep her disease under control. hopefully she won't get worse over all this mental trauma. 

     

 
February 10, 2006, 7:31 am CST

Smart move for the husband of the anorectic

I think the husband, John, made the right choice. I cannot recall how long he was married to April but I cannot see any man or woman staying in a marriage with someone who has so many problems. It would have been a life sentence and no one deserves that,especially when the love is gone. Why is it that the one with the mental illness, alcohol addition, drug problem or some compulsion asks for someone else to deal with their personal hells? I commend this man for not falling victim to guilt trips or to vows made with the belief that the other person was capable of fulfilling their end of the bargain. Control freaks need to be alone and congrats to John for his weight loss. Now he needs to reap the benefits of his good looks, normal weight and freedom from undue stress.
 
February 10, 2006, 7:39 am CST

ANNOYING WOMAN

The woman on the show who has (or had) an eating disorder, who keeps saying she has no idea why her husband wants out..... I'm sorry but I'm annoyed just hearing her. She seems whiney, bickering and incapable of listening. She'd rather focus on this date or that other ridiculous thing than to listen to what her husband tries to say. She cut him off constantly and just went up my spine....... I'd divorce her just from listening to the few minutes I saw here. Her husband seems very articulate about his position yet she keeps cutting him off to say she is clueless. Is she deaf too? I'm glad that you didn't try to tell them that they need to work things out.
 
February 10, 2006, 7:40 am CST

April

I don't know.  What John did in leaving the message while she was in the hospital was definitely chicken.  It doesn't surprise me---so many guys fear confrontation with their woman.  I don't think he really wanted to get married in the first place, but probably went through with it again because he was too chicken to call it off.   April came off as a very dishonest, manipulative person to me.  I realize she has a disease---and it is all about being dishonest to get it to progress. I feel for anyone going through that, but it doesn't excuse their manipulations either.   She seemed to want to prove him wrong in front of the audience more than anything else about a relationship.   I realize she is hurt, but she didn't seem to be addressing the big issues. odd.  Kicking someone out of the house at 5 in the morning is so odd too.  How can you sustain a relationship when stuff like that is happening.  Seemed like all her other 'stuff' took priority in her life.  How long is John suppose to make her number one while she is putting him at the bottom of the list.  Anyway, they seemed better off divorced. 
 
February 10, 2006, 7:41 am CST

02/10 Last Chance

Quote From: sungirl

Jon is a complete coward! Haven't seen the show yet but anyone who let's his wife go through a terrible disease and almost DIES needs to get some backbone of his own! I totally relate with April in the sense that she tried so hard to save her life and risked it to save her marriage!
For someone who hasn't even seen the show, you sure are opinionated!!
 
February 10, 2006, 7:42 am CST

02/10 Last Chance

Quote From: momakababe

I hear what you're saying about the 2 of you hurting each other & it seems it's something you've done over & over through the years, but if you look back at your post you both seem to invest yourselves in *self destructive* behavior as well.   When we see our spouse or someone treating us in a disrespectful way it's easy to think we should just cut them from our life & frankly this is what I would do when it isn't someone I've a real relationship with.  But when it comes to our family members I think it's a different thing & our spouse is family.  On top of this I think it's important for you to find out why you need to strike out at someone you love & hurt them & why you accept it in return.  If you read back you'll see that regardless of the reasoning you use the fact is that you do things that you know are going to hurt & then you point them right out to your spouse.  This isn't to lay blame on you but rather for me to point out you want to find out why it is you do what you do so that you can work on yourself.  Even if this relationship ends you don't want to continue to repeat these mistakes in future romantic relationships or in relationships with your children etc.  It's been said by many therapists (Dr. Phil included)  that people often divorce and then just continue to repeat the same relationship mistakes over & over.  

  

I think as long as you're saying things like "I really don't know" and "I don't know what holds us together besides the kids" then that means you shouldn't act in any manner that is going to be permenantly severing your marriage.  There are many people that share children and that does not stop them from walking out either.  Perhaps what binds you is a lot more than you realize?  You said you both had painful childhoods & from the outside it looks like you both ingage in self destructive behavior.  I think these are things worth exploring prior tojust walking away.  Even if children are the only thing that is binding you right now, that is a huge thing you share in common.  Rather than divorcing and starting completely over why don't you just stay where you are and start working on yourself with some counseling just for you & maybe some self reflection as well.  At the same time you may want to explain to your husband that you feel your marriage is failing and that you could use some marriage couseling.  As I read back I realize that you've never actually said that you're marriaed and just that you're in a relationship with each other.  You were and are young but I still believe the same could be true as if you were married.  Many people take vows & yet they don't really mean them &/or that isn't enough tohold them together.  Maybe you're both still there because in reality neither one wants to leave? 

  

 Rather than filing for divorce or seperating I think you need to just stop and get a hold of yourself.  Start doing things to put yourself  together emotionally.  Living where your are right now I would think would afford you the freedom of having a bit more money and the ability to do for yourself a bit more.  Having 5 kids is going to make it difficult on your own to just go on a weekend retreat or to a spa.  Do some things for yourself that are nice.  Be nice to yourself right now and then allow yourself to explore what your own emotional needs are.  If you & he thought that you were just going to be able to fix whatever was wrong in your childhood & now you see you're spinning out of control it's time to seek some help outside of the 2 of you.  Doing that doesn't mean you have to walk away from each other yet & walking away might just add to the horrible things done to you & him.  Him going out with the guys all the time might be his own self destructive behavior and the beginning of a drinking problem.  I just don't think that either of you have the ability to make clear rational decisions because there's so much turmoil & until you can make a clear & rational decisions I think you should just stay put.  You know the idea that you and he were going to be able to "fix each other" to me would mean you were looking to help heal each ohter.  Being more mature now you might see that helping each other might be in seeking some outside assistance.  I don't know you or him, but hearing you've 5 children together and all you've been through together I think you owe it to yourelves and each other to explore the posibility that maybe you just haven't found the personal help you both need and to try that before walking away.   

  

Of course that isn't indefinitely and once you have started to build some self esteem & if you're seeing that staying is just continuing to tear you down then yes you should break away.   

  

Good luck   

  

  

I wish my wife could read this.  I feel feelings are dictating her decisions.  She is full of anger and resentment.  Those feelings fade away.  She wants to divorce because she feels terrible about herself.  I feel she is running away.  People do not take their wedding vows seriously.  We are at the part of "For Better or Worse".  I wish my wife could see that instead of running away from the problem. 
 
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