Topic : 02/10 Last Chance

 I think you need to slow down...your acting like he went out and had an affair and you caught him.  The replies I have read seem to think this man is some kind of terrible person, he's not at all and you, of all people, should know that. One thing I read in the replies that I found true was that men don't talk...but they're actions do. 

You said you have been pretty much happily married for twelve years I think, as you said your the one who always felt safe that your husband was loyal. Your gonna toss that all away because he wanted to look at girlie pictures. My take on the whole thing......he's a bit bored with things..think about your sex life is.....is it exciting anymore...happens to all of us so don't fret.  Seems to me...he didn't talk...your probably busy alot with 3 kids and night school etc....so he decided to find some "safe" excitement of his own.  Doesn't sound like he went to a hard core porn site..he's just looking at naked girls..........FACTS OF LIFE...Men like to see the female body naked............absorb the news....its totally okay ...your husband chose to do it in a way that was private - no humiliation for you thru friends and family....he didn't go have an affair...he just tried to spice things up by himself. He should have talked to you about this BUT MEN DON"T TALK rememeber.......... 

Try being a good friend to him and recognizing that somethings missing in his life instead of making this all about poor you. Then go and make some special time for the two of you...buy some lingerie or something that you think he might like and you might like that fits into your moral code..go as far as you can...its your husband and theres nothing dirty about a healthy sex life.....after all it was God who gave you the parts for it anyway......I think it would immature to walk away based on the facts you've presented. I also think you might have alot of fun yourself and he probably won't be interested in the girlie site anymore because the real thing is now alot more interesting.   Go girl!!! 

When I hear you say that it isn't cheating, I beg to differ. 

Something is seriously wrong in my relationship if my husband needs to look at other females in order to get his jollies. Part of a relationship means being understanding that the other half may not always have time to meet your sexual desires, but they will have time later. In the mean time, remember why you find your spouse attractive, and build up the hormonal urges, so that when your spouse is available sexually for you, you can paint the town red with passion white with the purity of the relationship,and the rest of us can be green with envy at how passionately your relationship is then. 

On the other hand, if my life is getting so overbooked that I can't find time to be intimate with my husband at all...then I need to make a few priority changes. 

I truly believe what Dr. Phil has said that if it is not something that I would do in front of my spouse, than it shouldn't be done at all. Have respect for yourself, your relationship, and for others. Looking at other people simply for pleasure completely takes away from the fact that they are human beings with personalities, familes, goals and dreams.   I am rambling now, so I will let whomever it is that wants to read this absorve whatever they like from it.  It's just my opinion. 

When I hear you say that it isn't cheating, I beg to differ. 

Something is seriously wrong in my relationship if my husband needs to look at other females in order to get his jollies. Part of a relationship means being understanding that the other half may not always have time to meet your sexual desires, but they will have time later. In the mean time, remember why you find your spouse attractive, and build up the hormonal urges, so that when your spouse is available sexually for you, you can paint the town red with passion white with the purity of the relationship,and the rest of us can be green with envy at how passionately your relationship is then. 

On the other hand, if my life is getting so overbooked that I can't find time to be intimate with my husband at all...then I need to make a few priority changes. 

I truly believe what Dr. Phil has said that if it is not something that I would do in front of my spouse, than it shouldn't be done at all. Have respect for yourself, your relationship, and for others. Looking at other people simply for pleasure completely takes away from the fact that they are human beings with personalities, familes, goals and dreams.   I am rambling now, so I will let whomever it is that wants to read this absorve whatever they like from it.  It's just my opinion. 

When I hear you say that it isn't cheating, I beg to differ. 

Something is seriously wrong in my relationship if my husband needs to look at other females in order to get his jollies. Part of a relationship means being understanding that the other half may not always have time to meet your sexual desires, but they will have time later. In the mean time, remember why you find your spouse attractive, and build up the hormonal urges, so that when your spouse is available sexually for you, you can paint the town red with passion white with the purity of the relationship,and the rest of us can be green with envy at how passionately your relationship is then. 

On the other hand, if my life is getting so overbooked that I can't find time to be intimate with my husband at all...then I need to make a few priority changes. 

I truly believe what Dr. Phil has said that if it is not something that I would do in front of my spouse, than it shouldn't be done at all. Have respect for yourself, your relationship, and for others. Looking at other people simply for pleasure completely takes away from the fact that they are human beings with personalities, familes, goals and dreams.   I am rambling now, so I will let whomever it is that wants to read this absorve whatever they like from it.  It's just my opinion. 

and Ive read your prior posts.  I understand you're feeling desperate to undo the damage that you've done and you've got regrets etc.  I think first that you must understand that as sorry as we are sometimes we just cannot undo things.  Sometimes when we hurt someone it's just so painful that "I'm sorry" and rational speaking or thought with the person who created that pain is too much for us to bear and seems like rubbing salt into the already deep wounds.  I understand what you're saying about your wife being full of resentment and anger, but pointing out what she's doing wrong right now is not what you want to do. IMO  

What you want to do is print out every single post you've written here & then take them to her.  You do sound sincere in your regret & you do sound remorseful.   You want to tell her that you are so very sorry for the pain you've caused her & just plain own what you have done & the pain you've created in her life.  Do  not excuse it or tell her how she's got to give you another chance or that she owes you anything!  etc. etc.  Just humble yourelf to her that you're sorry & that you want to make it right with her.  You want her toknow that you understand her anger & pain and that you don't expect anything of her except to hear what you're saying and then you need to allow her to have what ever time she needs to receive that message from you.  If you're feeling she's feeling horrible about herself and you're partly to blame then tell her you want to do everything you can to help her feel better about herself even if that doesn't mean you'll end up back together.  If you feel that you want to put things back together tell her that.  In the words of Billy Joel "Tell her about it".  The feelings of anger & resentment will fade but that takes time & sometimes it takes a long time to recover.  If you don't want her to file for a divorce then tell her that & that you don't expect anything from her but that you're hoping to put it back together.  Tell her you've been here to the Dr. Phil web site & what others have said.  Let her read it.  Then you need to give her time & accept what ever decision she makes.  Again we cannot always undo the damage that we have done.   

You cannot make her want to try to make this work.  Maybe she feels she needs to put herself together on her own & maybe she just cannot do that while you're in her life because you are a symbol of pain to her.  It is very easy for these things to be created when we hurt someone & very difficult to undo or over come.  You just want to tell her what you desire and really communicate what you're feeling and how much remorese you've got for whatever it was you did.  Do not try using guilt or any pressure to make her come back etc.  Just start tocommunicate with her & continue until she is in a place where it isn't just her resentment speaking.  Even when resentment has passed she may decide that she cannot allow you the opportunity to do this again.  That would be her decision and again it has to be respected.  You cannot control or dictate what she does only what YOU do, so be careful in your actions because you don't want to lend credibilit y to her anger & resentment toward you.  Know what I mean?      

Your take is he's a bit bored?  My take is that she's right in that she trusted him & didn't doubt his loyalty only to find out that he's deceptive & keeps stuff from her.  If that isn't bad enough he is then indifferent to her pain & telling her to "get over it".  & it is true men don't talk, but their actions do!  So if a man is acting  indifferent that means he feels indifferent toward her!  That is not love & it doesn't matter what site he's gone to or what men like to see or what is missing in his life the FACTS OF LIFE here for this woman is that when he has a problemhe just does as he please and doesn't let her in on it & keeps things from her!  You want her totry to be a good friend to this?  To be a good friend you need to be treated like one!  It doesn't matter how much men like to talk or not the fact is that if there's a problem they have to communicate it and not just go & do what they want that is what a marriage is.  My husband and I don't sit down & have a good old talk every time we're talking about things we like & don't like.  If I'm out of the house and he's at home bored & is looking at something naughty that's something he's just share with me when I got home.  We became partners in life because we wanted to share our lives.   

If someone is deceitful then they're deceitful & it doesn't matter if he's bored or what the reason is.   Does that mean that if he has a physical affair she's suppose to wait until she finds out why in case he has a good enough reason?   I mean maybe she wasn't available and he was forced to find relief on his own?  I say bull crap.  This isn't just a matter of men liking to look at naked women.  Marriage is about being able to trust someone even when things aren't quiet right between the 2 of you.  It doesn't mean we automatically brush it off if he was bored with me because I got stale in the bedroom or I was too busy.  THAT is the Problem & then of course there's his indifference to her emotional pain.  I wouldn't trust him either.    

I didn't condone what he did, and the whole point of my quote WAS that something is wrong with their realtionship. The fact is - from these facts - it could be something small and repairable. it doesn't need to become a deal breaker that you cry all night about. I was simply trying to show her that people are people and we all behave poorly at some time....her husband was on the very low end of poor behavior considering some of the stuff you see and hear.  I stand by my first quote . What goes on in peoples heads is there own business and no one should ever demand something different. As for the people in the pictures, providing that there are NO children ,obviously, ---of course they have personalities and familes etc. BUT they've put themselves out there to be looked at....its part OF their personality and doesn't take anything away from them. For whatever reason they want to be looked at. C'est La Vie.....its not a perfect world....I can't imagine living in your perfect world and still getting through it, with your strigent...lines that MUST never be crossed. 

To the original writer of the problem.......go and have some fun!!!!