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Topic : 02/10 Last Chance

Number of Replies: 343
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Created on : Friday, February 03, 2006, 04:22:21 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

If your marriage is on the rocks, how do you know whether to call it quits or give it one more try? April says that after only a few months of marriage, she received a voicemail on her cell phone from her husband, Jon, saying that he wanted a divorce. This was while she was in the hospital connected to a feeding tube! She says she has no idea what changed all of a sudden and wants some answers. Jon just wants her to sign the divorce papers. Should they try to work things out and give their marriage another try? Then, Kristen is torn between keeping her family and marriage together, or keeping the sparks alive with her current lover. Her husband, Brian, recently moved back into their house because he wants to try and save their eight-year marriage. Does a marriage that was started by infidelity and hurt by infidelity have a chance of surviving? Dr. Phil has strong advice for these parents who are fighting, lying and cheating -- all in front of their young children. Join the discussion.

 

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February 5, 2006, 8:04 pm CST

02/10 Last Chance

I've been in almost the same position as April.  I had surgery and my ex husband sent one of his employees to pick me up.  I later found out that while I was in the hospital he had company at our home.  I believe that April's husband is a coward and that she would be better off without him.  If you are going to end a marriage, be man enough to do it face to face and for goodness sake tell the TRUTH about why you are ending it. 
 
February 6, 2006, 12:14 pm CST

I agree

Quote From: velvetmock

I've been in almost the same position as April.  I had surgery and my ex husband sent one of his employees to pick me up.  I later found out that while I was in the hospital he had company at our home.  I believe that April's husband is a coward and that she would be better off without him.  If you are going to end a marriage, be man enough to do it face to face and for goodness sake tell the TRUTH about why you are ending it. 
Jon is a complete coward! Haven't seen the show yet but anyone who let's his wife go through a terrible disease and almost DIES needs to get some backbone of his own! I totally relate with April in the sense that she tried so hard to save her life and risked it to save her marriage!
 
February 6, 2006, 6:14 pm CST

YOU KNOW WHEN..

THIS IS THE TRUTH OF ALL RELATIONSHIPS , WHEN THERE IS NO KIND OF RESPECT TOWARDS YOU, WHEN YOU ARE NOT DOING THINGS FOR YOU BUT JUST TO PLEASE YOUR PARTNER,WHEN  YOU ARE AFRAID AND NOT SURE OF HOW TO TALK TO YOUR PARTNER, WHEN YOU FIGHT FOR THE STUPID THINGS. AND WHEN YOU ARE SECOND IN YOUR OWN MIND. 

 

THE RELATIONSHIP HAS TO END, FOR YOU, IF HE DOESN'T RESPECT YOU ONE BIT, HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU, IF YOUR FEELINGS DON'T MATTER, HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU HE WON'T CHANCE IF HE DID NOT RESPECTED YOU AND LOVED YOU AND GAVE ALL YOU EVER WANTED SINCE THE BEGGINING OF THE RELATIONSHIP. 

  LEAVE HIM.!!!! 

 

IF HE HAD CHEATED AND YOU THINK HE WON'T DO IT AGAIN, HE WILL,  IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN AND THIS IS GOING ON, LEAVE HIM!!, THIS KIND OF RELATIONSHIP IS  NO GOOD FOR THEM  

 

AND MOST OF ALL YOU DO NOT DESERVE IT. IT IS NOT EASY , TO LEAVE SOMEONE YOU LOVE, BUT IF YOU DO NOT DO THIS THING TO HIM, WHY  DOES HE DO THEM TO YOU, STOP THINKING OF WHAT IT COULD BE AND SEE WHAT IT REALLY IS. 

 

IT IS HARD BUT NOT IMPOSIBLE, THERE IS NO BETTER SATISFACTION TO BE IN THIS EARTH IN THIS LIFE KNOWING THAT YOU ARE HAPPY AND THAT YOU HAVE SOMEONE THAT LOVES YOU WAITING FOR YOU AT HOME, THAT YOU CAN BE YOURSELF WITHOUT JUDGMENT OR FIGHTING. 

 

IT CAN HAPPEN BUT THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN IS YOU. 

NOT HIM YOU. 

 

THIS IS WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO TELL ALL THE WOMAN IN THIS SHOW, MARRIAGE OR DIVORCE  IS NOT THE END OF YOU. 

 

IF IT DOESN'T WORK, THERE IS MORE THAN LIFE THAN CONFLICT AND HEADACHES. 

 

 

 

 
February 7, 2006, 4:24 pm CST

02/10 Last Chance

I have been in a relationship for 12 years now, we met when we were 16 and have 5 beautiful children. And where do i begin, we both brought to this relationship many problems from our childhood in hope that we could both fix each other but as life goes on we just continue to hurt one another. 3 weeks into our relationship i slept with an ex-boyfriend and then told him about it i thought it was right to be honnest but i think i told him to test him to see how much he cared and although he said he loved me he has never gotten over it  still to this day when we fight and argue he calls me a slut and for years i let him put me down and treat me bad because i thought i deserved it. He feels he should be able to go out every weekend cause he works hard during the week, in the past he would go out straight after work on friday and sometimes we wouldnt see or hear from him until sunday or even monday, he would spend ALL his pay. feel bad and sorry for a day or 2 and before we know it it's friday again. And this has been going on now for more than 10 years. i have recently started to realize that this is no good and have been preparing myself to live my life without him because he says going to the pub with the boys is what he likes to do this is what makes him happy. I have treated him so bad because of this taken all his clothes to the pub and clubs when hes there and just chucked them everywhere saying' you dont wanna come home then dont come back at all' but he always does.i have emmbarrased myself and my children,ive physically hurt myself ive threatened to kill myself said and done so many shameful horrible things. I really dont know if what we have is LOVE being young was our excuse for a long time and i know love and relationships are not all fairy tales and butterflies but i really do wonder what is it that keeps us doing this time after time and i do feel if we didnt have the kids we probably wouldnt be together because we don't have anything else that binds us together no friendship, no time together no marrige vowels, NOTHING but our kids. So I really have to wonder what is the right thing to do. Sad and Confused.
 
February 8, 2006, 10:13 am CST

Same Situation

I am in the same situation right now.  I am 33 years old and have been married for 10 years and with my husband for 14 years.  We have three children.  Back in September, my husband informed me by cell phone, that when he got off of work that day he was packing his clothes and leaving.  He said he "needed space and time".  I was rather upset about this because I truly love my husband and thought he was my soul mate and best friend.  We had the best times together.  Anyhow, about a month later I found out he was talking to a neighbor four houses up (she doesn't have a good track record).  Come to find out, I caught her sleeping at his apartment and things have been down hill from  there.  My older two children haven't talked to their dad for quite some time and I have filled for divorce.  My husband is lying to his lawyer and trying to make me be the bad parent here.  I am just emotionally upset about all of this.  The question is, if my husband regretted what happened and  he wanted to come home, should I?  Part of me says yes, because I honor my wedding vows but another part of me doesn't think I can accept what he has done not just to me but to our children as this neighbor was a good friend of mine and the children looked up to her.  Any help, I would appreciate it because it has been one big mess and I am tired of hurting, crying and fighting.
 
February 8, 2006, 10:16 am CST

GET OUT

Quote From: jezabelly

I have been in a relationship for 12 years now, we met when we were 16 and have 5 beautiful children. And where do i begin, we both brought to this relationship many problems from our childhood in hope that we could both fix each other but as life goes on we just continue to hurt one another. 3 weeks into our relationship i slept with an ex-boyfriend and then told him about it i thought it was right to be honnest but i think i told him to test him to see how much he cared and although he said he loved me he has never gotten over it  still to this day when we fight and argue he calls me a slut and for years i let him put me down and treat me bad because i thought i deserved it. He feels he should be able to go out every weekend cause he works hard during the week, in the past he would go out straight after work on friday and sometimes we wouldnt see or hear from him until sunday or even monday, he would spend ALL his pay. feel bad and sorry for a day or 2 and before we know it it's friday again. And this has been going on now for more than 10 years. i have recently started to realize that this is no good and have been preparing myself to live my life without him because he says going to the pub with the boys is what he likes to do this is what makes him happy. I have treated him so bad because of this taken all his clothes to the pub and clubs when hes there and just chucked them everywhere saying' you dont wanna come home then dont come back at all' but he always does.i have emmbarrased myself and my children,ive physically hurt myself ive threatened to kill myself said and done so many shameful horrible things. I really dont know if what we have is LOVE being young was our excuse for a long time and i know love and relationships are not all fairy tales and butterflies but i really do wonder what is it that keeps us doing this time after time and i do feel if we didnt have the kids we probably wouldnt be together because we don't have anything else that binds us together no friendship, no time together no marrige vowels, NOTHING but our kids. So I really have to wonder what is the right thing to do. Sad and Confused.

I really hope you find the strength to get away from him and that situation.  I don't like when people say they are staying together for the children that is BOLOGNA!  You think it is good for the kids to hear all the fighting and hateful things being said? 

  

I pray for you and hope you get out and make yourself happy.  You don't need a man to be happy especially not one like him.  12 years is a long time in this short life to be sad and miserable. 

 
February 8, 2006, 12:43 pm CST

On the brink

My marriage of ten years is on the brink of divorce.  I am a husband that was not supportive and accepting of my wifes feelings.  She has taken care of our kids and me with all of her being and she feels she has nothing for herself.  We have been separated for 2 months and she wants a divorce but I dont.  She says she does not love me anymore.  I have taken responsibility for my actions.  My wife just wants to feel like an equal partner.  I have to change my life and myself in the way I treat people.  I want to change and save my marriage.  I want to be a good Fathetr and a good Husband to my wife and all I need is a chance..  THere is so much anger and resentment on her part that it seems thse feeling are covering her heart.  She had been so dedicated to me, I want to stand by her now.  Can Anyone relate to this?
 
February 8, 2006, 2:31 pm CST

I Can Relate!!!

Quote From: coachsers

My marriage of ten years is on the brink of divorce.  I am a husband that was not supportive and accepting of my wifes feelings.  She has taken care of our kids and me with all of her being and she feels she has nothing for herself.  We have been separated for 2 months and she wants a divorce but I dont.  She says she does not love me anymore.  I have taken responsibility for my actions.  My wife just wants to feel like an equal partner.  I have to change my life and myself in the way I treat people.  I want to change and save my marriage.  I want to be a good Fathetr and a good Husband to my wife and all I need is a chance..  THere is so much anger and resentment on her part that it seems thse feeling are covering her heart.  She had been so dedicated to me, I want to stand by her now.  Can Anyone relate to this?

I am a wife in a situation like yours-  

  

My husband was not supportive in ANY way; while I put my whole being into taking care of everyone and supporting everyone and the household.  

  

I asked him to leave, he wanted to work things out, but not make any changes. He moved out almost a year ago.  

  

He said he still loved me, but would not choose me and two young sons over his playing with race cars and his redneck friends and improper relationships/friendships with other women. 

  

I still  want to work things out, but this means making changes he is not willing to make.  

  

I would willingly make changes to accomodate, but only if they are healthy changes, not enabling poor behavior! 

  

My advice to you is to make changes in yourself NOW, let her know you are making these changes, regardless of whether you get back together- and then let her have time to watch your efforts. Perhaps she can come to respect you again, and perhaps she still has feelings and a desire to make a family life with you.  

  

Be patient, her resentment, anger, and frustration are not going to disappear overnight. 

  

She needs to be able to respect you and be proud of you, or she will never be able to love you and make a life with you. 

 
February 8, 2006, 5:39 pm CST

Best friends....

Quote From: jezabelly

I have been in a relationship for 12 years now, we met when we were 16 and have 5 beautiful children. And where do i begin, we both brought to this relationship many problems from our childhood in hope that we could both fix each other but as life goes on we just continue to hurt one another. 3 weeks into our relationship i slept with an ex-boyfriend and then told him about it i thought it was right to be honnest but i think i told him to test him to see how much he cared and although he said he loved me he has never gotten over it  still to this day when we fight and argue he calls me a slut and for years i let him put me down and treat me bad because i thought i deserved it. He feels he should be able to go out every weekend cause he works hard during the week, in the past he would go out straight after work on friday and sometimes we wouldnt see or hear from him until sunday or even monday, he would spend ALL his pay. feel bad and sorry for a day or 2 and before we know it it's friday again. And this has been going on now for more than 10 years. i have recently started to realize that this is no good and have been preparing myself to live my life without him because he says going to the pub with the boys is what he likes to do this is what makes him happy. I have treated him so bad because of this taken all his clothes to the pub and clubs when hes there and just chucked them everywhere saying' you dont wanna come home then dont come back at all' but he always does.i have emmbarrased myself and my children,ive physically hurt myself ive threatened to kill myself said and done so many shameful horrible things. I really dont know if what we have is LOVE being young was our excuse for a long time and i know love and relationships are not all fairy tales and butterflies but i really do wonder what is it that keeps us doing this time after time and i do feel if we didnt have the kids we probably wouldnt be together because we don't have anything else that binds us together no friendship, no time together no marrige vowels, NOTHING but our kids. So I really have to wonder what is the right thing to do. Sad and Confused.

Hey, not sure how old you are and it may be that your young, I'm not sure. Do you have a best friend? Imagine the man in your life being your best friend. Imagine if he looked forward to any time he might get to spend with you and would gladly forgo every weekend at the bar because he'd rather hang around with you and the kids and actually like it. Sounds like your hubby doesn't want to be agrown up and maybe finds you and the kids to be a responsibility that he'd rather escape. Stop being the crazy stalker wife who spends all her time chasing around someone who doesn't want to be with her. Get a life of your own and interests of your own. While hes gone, take the kids to the zoo or join classes - hey whatever your thing is. Be too busy to worry about him. It will make him wonder where and when you became a person without him. And you are, you know, a person with or without him. If your problems lie in doing the same old dance...this may help find you more interesting and improve your situation. On the other hand, you may find that you are far more interesting than you thought you were and you really won't care if hes around or not. Interesting people attract others and looks often don't have anything to do with it. I bet you will be surprised by what you learn about yourself once you get looking for interesting things about your self.  

Rather than say " Leave the bum - right here and now" I thought you could use some tools in getting to that point. Remember your children are watching and they're learning, show them how to be a person.....all on your own.   Good luck!!!! 

 
February 9, 2006, 4:34 am CST

02/10 Last Chance

Quote From: lisaann88

Hey, not sure how old you are and it may be that your young, I'm not sure. Do you have a best friend? Imagine the man in your life being your best friend. Imagine if he looked forward to any time he might get to spend with you and would gladly forgo every weekend at the bar because he'd rather hang around with you and the kids and actually like it. Sounds like your hubby doesn't want to be agrown up and maybe finds you and the kids to be a responsibility that he'd rather escape. Stop being the crazy stalker wife who spends all her time chasing around someone who doesn't want to be with her. Get a life of your own and interests of your own. While hes gone, take the kids to the zoo or join classes - hey whatever your thing is. Be too busy to worry about him. It will make him wonder where and when you became a person without him. And you are, you know, a person with or without him. If your problems lie in doing the same old dance...this may help find you more interesting and improve your situation. On the other hand, you may find that you are far more interesting than you thought you were and you really won't care if hes around or not. Interesting people attract others and looks often don't have anything to do with it. I bet you will be surprised by what you learn about yourself once you get looking for interesting things about your self.  

Rather than say " Leave the bum - right here and now" I thought you could use some tools in getting to that point. Remember your children are watching and they're learning, show them how to be a person.....all on your own.   Good luck!!!! 

I know how upsetting this may seem to you. You have obviously given this thought, and as the years go by, it does not get easier.  

I realized after the first year fo my marraige, my husband's immaturity and other changable behaviors were not going to improve. I have tried desperately talking to him, but our 'communication styles' differ so, very different from before we were even married. I thought this was part of the 'first years of marraige are hell' and 'it will get better, just give it time', so I did. I like to understand things and not judge, I don't yell or name call...I fight like a man, to the point. The basis of our marriage was trust, partnership, and respect. I am recently realizing I am in this marraige alone, and I may have always been. 

It is scary but I know what I want my future to hold, and my husband contributes nothing positive to it.  I am making tough decisions right now to either stay or pack up. I have exhausted all means to work things out, and my husband may not come around to help save this marraige in time.  It is the fact I am learning to live with.  

It is scary to leave behind a life I have known soo well, and possibly lose mutual friends, but I know I will be a better person b/c of my choices I feel in my heart are right. I too have a daughter that is quite intuitive. She is not aware of the situation, but she can sense something is not right. I wouold rather leave now, than risk her observing more detrimental behaviors. This is NOT the type of role-model relationship I want my daughter to invest in when she is older. 

You will find your strength, and when you have made a decision, it will feel RIGHT!!! 

 
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