Topic : Borderline Personality Disorder

Is this the way someone with BPD feels or is it someone living with someone who has BPD. 

I was diagnosed with BPD years ago and was never told what it really was and to be honest I was upset that I was even diagnosed and never researched it. All these questions are really confusing to me, I don't want to sound rude or dumb, so forgive me. 

The one thing that keeps being drilled into my head, over and over, and unfortunately I still haven't completely grasped the concept of, is the fact that people with BPD aren't the best communicators. We make a lot of assumptions and they're mostly inaccurate. The key to that is to ask clarifying questions so we can understand better what message is being conveyed.  So, NO... you don't sound rude or dumb... you should feel proud of yourself for asking for clarification! 

The BPD Indicator questionnaire is meant to help family and friends see if they can relate in anyway to the things being asked. It's a simple way to find out if their loved one is suffering with BPD.  I have a lot of good information on symptoms of BPD, if you're interested in that also. 

Are you still confused and upset about your diagnoses? I felt the same way a couple of years ago when I was diagnosed, and I even became angry. That all dissipated when I began researching on the internet and with books from the library. Knowledge is power and unless and until (Dr. Phil) we begin understanding for ourselves the why's and how's of this disorder, we will most likely remain upset and confused. I've been fortunate enough to also see a therapist each week for 2 1/2 years, which helps incredibly. However, if that isn't an option for you, there is still a lot of peace to be found by researching it all on your own.  Good luck to you! 

1). Why will getting this job mean no more therapy?  Most of the time we think in black and white, which means maybe even with the job there would be a possibility of therapy but you might have to work around things to find it. I see a therapist at 9:00 in the evening once per week.  I have three children and a husband who works all day so I found someone who could see me after hours.  A lot of time this is a possibility.  Finding a good therapist, one who we can eventually somewhat trust, as much as we are capable of trusting, is a hard thing to do.  Especially one who is trained in BPD. It's worth the search though.  It might be a hard road but you can't currently feel as bad as you're feeling and not be in therapy. 

2). Do you have two more sessions to go, or have you already had your last two sessions? If you still have a session or two to go, ask your counselor for a recommendation.  Don't hold back any fear you may currently have.... lay it all on the table again so she knows exactly what scares you. She is probably extremely aware of your abandonment issues and will be able to guide you in a healthy direction.  The time to communicate is NOW.  Don't keep it in because you need to get this figured out as soon as possible. 

3). What are the BPD behaviors that keep creeping into your head? If they are the usual "I am scared that people will leave me...I chase everyone away...What is wrong with me?...I must have done something wrong...She was the best therapist and I'll never find another as good...etc..." then it's hard to say just how long that may be a part of your daily thinking. If the thoughts are "I want to hurt myself...I need relief...I wish I didn't exist...Nothing will ever change...etc..." then I say you need to get more immediate help. 

Gray thinking isn't something we're accustomed to, but sometimes stepping outside of ourselves (which is also unfamiliar at times) will provide the answers.  As always, it's easier to give advice on what we should and shouldn't think, do or say than it is to live that advice.  I'm afraid I'm not getting through my every day without the BP behaviors getting in the way even still, but occasionally I like to sound smarter and more in control than I really am.  So, I hope some of this helped in some way. 

Thanks for sharing your feelings, it's better than keeping your fears inside.  Keep seeking the support you need!  Good luck to you! 

I'm so glad you're more hopeful. That's what it's all about! 

Keeping in mind I don't know a whole lot about your situation, I'll offer a little more advice. Since you're struggling with thoughts of harming yourself, even if you don't intend on acting on those thoughts, I believe that "any" therapist will be better than "no" therapist (for now). So, take advantage of someone in that facility while it's still free, since feeling like you have someone will be more important than feeling completely abandoned, even if he/she isn't the ideal therapist. I assume the negative thoughts come from your fear of being abandoned, so if you can temporarily remedy that it would probably help. 

If you were able to utilize the free county facility, maybe it'll be a possibility to do the same in the new area you're moving to?? I don't know, but one can hope. 

I have to say I'm impressed with your comment of "not to worry, I have made great progress in not acting on those thoughts, I'm not going to blow it now."  Personally I think that's one of the hardest steps to take, so if you've figured that part out you're probably doing better than you're giving yourself credit for. That doesn't mean you don't get scared and quickly fall back into the BPD line of thinking.... but it sounds like you're going to make some good choices.  Keep up the hard work! 

Blue