Topic : Borderline Personality Disorder

for so long i never understood why i would have these feelings...i could be happy one minute then really pissed off the next and theses feelings would come like seconds apart...until i started to read about BPD and then i ended up in the hospital twice for self harming myself ...my doctor says i have Major Depressive Disorder and im schizoaffective and i have BPD...and suffer from anxiety attacks...when you come to realize all of this (which is a mouth full) you get more depressed...but with the Meds i am on i have been able to come to terms with my disorders...i guess i will always have to take Meds but thats ok i see that by taking Meds it has given me a life...or it has given me back my life ....its a stuggle everyday not to have the voices and to not self harm and not want to die...when things get bad i do tend to self harm and just think my life is over because i cant understand what im suppost to do...but life is what it is LIFE!!! you struggle everyday to get out of bed and deal with all the crap that comes with breathing...but i do it and i try to find a way to cope...but people without this disorder have to realize that "WE" are just trying to get through life the best way we know how...i feel for non-BPD people because they suffer just as much as we do..but try to understand....

I have suffered from what doctors thought was just depression for many years.  I have tried so many antidepressants and they only seemed to work for a while then I would get switched to another one.  Over the past 3 years my life has gone completely downhill.  As a single mom it got so bad that I couldn't get out of bed so I lost my job.  I was in and out of the hospital because I was loosing everything, my job, my home, my car, my life.  My son and I had to move in with my sister so he had a stable place and my sister and brother-in-law would make sure he was taken care of when I was unable to do so. Finally I ended up having to go to Community Mental Health because I lost my insurance and actually this was a life saver.  I was given a Psychiatric Nurse (APRN, BC) to work with to eventually come up with the right combination of medication and was assigned an awesome therapist.   Because I was diagnosed with BPD I was enrolled in the DBT (Dialecticle  Behavioral  Therapy) class.  My nurse is one of the instructors in the class and  she  realized after a while, putting 2 and 2 together , from my responses in class and also  in our 1 on 1 meetings that she felt I suffered from bipolar2  instead of Major Depressive Disorder.  With bipor2 you only have hypomanic attacks (small attacks).  Once she took me off the antidepressant and put me on a mood stabilizer and medication for bipolar I have done much better.  I still struggle everyday with mood swings and occassionally still do self- harm but my hospitalizations have  been reduced.  My last hospitalization was when I tried to OD and because of that my therapist and nurse felt it was in my interest not to have any prescription meds in the house so I had to turn them in and they made a weekly med box.  I would just get it filled each week until they felt I was more stable.  I still wanted to feel as though I could everyday life and that I just slipped and made a mistake.  We are still working on coming up with the right (coctail) medication and milligrams but all in all I am doing better.  I also suffer from Anxiety, Panic Attacks and Non-Epileptic Seizures all trown in the mix so yes my moods get a little off.  My 15 year old (God Love Him) has now learned the signs when I am having a manic attack or when my or when my BPD is acting up because I am not coping with stressful situations and will be crying 1 minute and yelling another minute.  Then the times when I just curl up in bed for hours and sleep.  We can only handle 1 day at a time and work on making it a Life Worth Living.

 I'm 39 years old and a single mom of a 15 year old son.  I have been suffering from what doctors thought was just depression for over 20 years.  Now after a long life of trying to survive life has finally taken a toll.  It has been the hardest 4 years of my life and I know my son has suffered.  It got to the point I couldn't even get out of bed to go to work.  There were days I didn't even get up and get my son to school.  I lost my job and my house and had to move in with my sister.  She took a leave of absence from her job to take care of me.  She was afraid to leave me alone because she never knew what kind of mood I would be in and if I would hurt myself in anykind of way.  I tried several different ways.  After losing my health insurance I was forced to go to Community Mental Health.  Actually this was the best thing that ever happened to me.  I finally was diagnosed with BPD, Bipolar, Anxiety and Panic attacks.  When you suffer from Bipolar antidepressants just makes everything worse.  The first thing my Psychiatric Nurse Practioner did was take me of my antidepressant and put me on a couple of mood stabilizers and I also take seizure medication and Klonopin for anxiety.  I was also on Trazadone until I took took an overdose so she can no longer prescripe it so don't do that...LOL.  I learned the hard way.  I was placed in the DBT class which seems to be helping it is just taking a while.  I am on my second year even though they try to have you go through it in 1 year.  I also have a wonderful therapist to talk to weekly.  Other than going to my DBT group and talking with my therapist I have no one who really understands what I am going through.  My poor son never knows how I going to be when I step out of my bedroom and tries to spend as much time away from home until it is bedtime.  To be honest I don't blame him.  He is such a great kid but it is not his job to take care of me I should be taking care of him.  If you are looking for someone to talk to I would be happy to be your online friend.

 Hi all,

Let me introduce myself. I am new to the boards, but a long time fan of Dr. P. I was diagnosed with BPD at 50, and had a history of depression only (I thought) and saw counselors for years. How no one even suggested that I might have this personality disorder is mind boggling to me. It could have possibly saved me a complete breakdown and loss of function in my life for the last 2 years. Six hospitalizations due to overdoses and other OD's that no one knows about. Of course, I am famous for blaming others for my problems, so I am following my normal behavior pattern here. I am a health professional, still with a license to practice for now, but my license is precariously hanging in the balance. That does not help, but I am wondering if I even want to continue in this field anyway. I have been waffling on that for the last 2 years also.

Just today, I lost another job. Since my "breakdown" I have attempted to return to work 4 times now. Every time I screw it up. I am late, make mistakes and miss a lot of days. I really had been doing better this time, however I was working somewhere that I was exposed to every current flu virus and etc, so I got really sick twice and missed a lot of days within 5 weeks of employment.. This is a pattern that happens with most of the new emloyees there I was told (getting sick a lot at first), but they have a new boss and she is high strung and very impatient, so today she told me adios. This is tough, because twice when I lost jobs due to this, I ended up the hospital...not good. Since my last visit to a hospital, I have made many positive changes...stopped drinking alcohol, internet dating and risky behavior, joined a church and coping better day by day. I am just concerned now that this set back will set ME back!! My therapist has been bragging on how well I was doing. The good thing about the job situation is that I am still employed through a temporary agency, so as far as I know I still am with them. So I was not actually employed at this last place officially if that makes sense. I got teary eyed when the evil Nurse nazi let me go and I am still kind of in shock at the moment. I had showed up at work this morning and was told the agency was notified that they were ending my contract with them, but no one called me to let me know!!!

Can you imagine how well a person with BPD takes this kind of news? Not well.

I have 2 grown sons and 2 grandchildren. No boyfriend...sad. I really hate my life somedays and am totally miserable. Also I live in an emotionally abusive situation and totally negative people. Other choice is homeless. I do have a job interview tomorrow that sounds promising, but it is in the same field. When you have done something for 21 years, it is hard to change careers..especially if you cannot come up with any new ideas.

I just wanted to say hi, I have read through some posts and am so sorry that all of you have to live this way too. The emotional roller coaster is tiresome.

One question I have is, can you be on Dr. Phil's show if you have a mental disorder? I wrote in about my dysfunctional son and his unbelievable situation with an ex because I am really concerned about the children. I know he is all about the well being of children so I hope that my illness would not prevent us from being on...we need help desperately. I had heard that you could not be on the show if you are diagnosed with one. I hope that is not true. I am not the problem in the situation, but I let it keep me upset a LOT!

Best of luck to all of you if I don't get any responses.

kg1

     I think I will visit the depression board. I got great news today, I got the job I interview for, plus a good salary. Full time with benefits! Maybe I won't have so much time to be in my head. I will be working hard and starting a course online that I have to take. Whew....wish me luck.

HI TO EVERYONE,

 

IM NEW TO THE BOARDS. IM 40 AND WAS DX WHEN I WAS 18. IVE HAD EXTENSIVE AND INTENSE THERAPY FOR YEARS. THEN I MET MY HUSBAND AND WE HAVE 4 CHILDREN. IT SEEMS THAT MY SYMPTOMS WERE MANAGEABLE TO ALMOST GONE FOR A LONG TIME. NOW IT SEEMS THAT EVERYTHING IS COMING BACK WITH A VENGENCE. MY THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, MOODS IS ALL AFFECTED. MY FAMILY DOESNT KNOW HOW BAD IT WAS BACK THEN. I WANT TO GET BACK INTO THERAPY BUT IN A DIFFERENT STATE AND NO INSURANCE. I HAVE NO ONE TO TURN TO. CAN ANYONE RELATE.

If so, do you know the date, so I can find it in the archives?

 

I am rarely home during the day anymore, but I would like to see what he says about this disorder.

 

Thanks.

Hi,

 

Until last week our daughter was diagnosis with ODD, Bipolar, ADHD, Depression. Basically nobody really knew anything. She has been on several medications and has been in therapy for years since she was 3 years old. She is my biological daughter but my husbands adopted daughter. He adopted her about 4 years ago hoping that this would help her. It didn't. Her biological father basically doesn't want anything to do with her except when it comes to using her or offering her drugs. His family has also pretty much abandoned her. I understand regarding the issues with abandonment and how she could be angry with them and I do not fault her. What i am confused is that love-hate that she has for my husband and myself. My husband has been her "daddy" since she was 3. This week the state juvenile corrections medical team decided that she was BPD - at first they told us that there was nothing wrong with our daughter, we were outraged. She was there because she literally destroyed the inside of our house over Thanksgiving when we were out. I mean she caused $12,000 in damages. We had her prosecuted hoping that finally someone would help. Unfortunately that isn't working either. We have been victimized by our daughter as she has been very violent towards us threatening to kills us and herself, hanging out in gangs. She allowed her "friends" to rob our house last year of $14,000 and they got a way with it. So we thought we would continue the court system. What help. Right now she is scheduled to be released in April and I am scared to death of her. I love my daughter so much and I know she is a loving, compassionate young lady, how can I help her. We are in for the fight of our lives because we are denying custody of her and therefore will be charge with abandoning our child. We don't want to do this, we just want help for her. She will be 17 soon and in a year the state will turn her loose. I don't want to lose my daughter, i just want her to get the help she needs. Does anyone have suggestions.

 I am in the process of reading "Lost in the mirror"  again.  The book was written in 1996 and back then claimed that 25 percent of psychiatric hospitalizations were due to Borderline Personality disorder 1 out of 10 women.  I do not know what the stats are now.  I suffer from the Disorder and was thrilled to finally know the answer.  This disorder masks itself in so many different ways it is very difficult to diagnose.  Basically from my understanding is that our lives are lived in fragments.  We are black and white thinkers.  We may put someone on a pedestal one day and they are off the next, "we may feel deliberately persecuted by someone when we have merely been let down," quote from the book.  We live entirely in the here and now, we are unable to rely on experience to tell as that we will make it through.  So when we are in pain and or confusion, to us it seems it will last a lifetime.  "There was a little girl..Who had a little curl..Right in front of her forehead...When she was good...She was very, very good..And when she was bad...She was horrid..." I can relate to this one especially in my younger years.  We also have the ability to pull those of us around us into this crazy world we live in.  "If you are boderline, you most likely have powerful effects on other people's feelings and behavior.  Your tumultuous emotions and dramatic, often provocative behaviors are sure to elicit strong reactions in others.  Your environment often becomes a theater for playing out inner conflicts."  I do believe that the outer worlds perception of me is the funny one, people do like to be around me, but in the comforts of my own thoughts, I am not worth much of anything sometimes.  I have learned to control certain behaviors that I do not like in myself at the same time my inner dialogue is always such a mess.  I long to be alone sometimes, when in fact I drive myself crazy with my thoughts.  It is a difficult thing to live with and very hard for those around us who loves us.  We are impulsive and most of the time take these self destructing behaviors out on ourselves and then of course we can turn these behaviors outwards.  Not necessarily physically harming people, but effecting them emotionally perhaps financially.  "This paradox in attitudes may be particularly confusing to family and friends, who at one moment experience you as arrogant, demanding, and entitled, and the next contrite, self negating, and even suicidal."  So not only do we feel as though we are on a roller coaster sometimes we seem to take our loved ones on the ride as well.  I think this topic is long over due considering what BPD can turn into if missed diagnosed or not at all.  I wrote to Dr. Phil, perhaps you all should as well.  Many people suffer from it and try to adapt, I have done a fine job myself.  I have such a hard time with my feelings and thoughts sometimes it really beomes unbearable.