Topic : Borderline Personality Disorder

I have been receiving mental health treatment since 2003.  Prior to this I was in the US Army from 1980-2000 retiring after over 20 years military service.  I then went to work for the Federal Govt in a civilian capacity and have now recently retired from Fed Service due to health issues.  For most of my adult life (until 2003), the only medication I was prescribed was for migraine headaches.  Now I am prescribed a host of anti-anxiety, anti-depression medications and feel horrible. 

After 9/11 I noticed a severe shift in my mood.  I had only been retired from the Army for 1 year when the 9/11 tragedy occur ed.  I have lost many close friends in Iraq and Afghanistan and feel tremendous guilt for not being a part of the solution - the War.  I spent my career in the Aviation field...now every-time I hear that another helicopter has been shot down or crashed in Iraq I get physically sick to my stomach.  I cry all of the time, never want to leave home and I think of death and dying all of the time. 

My personality has done a complete 180 degree turn...for the worse.  I use to laugh, travel, host dinner parties, never miss birthdays or special occasions.  Now I can barely get out of bed in the morning.  I am only 48 years old, but honestly, I just wish time would pass quickly because living like this isn't living at all.  I have been to counseling, individual therapy, you name it .   The next course of action would be long-term inpatient treatment..but frankly...from the few times I have been in short-term inpatient treatment..I cannot see where this could be of much use either.  I don't even know myself anymore. Does anybody have any thoughts?  Red, white and very BLUE:(

The most difficult for me being borderline, is the isolation it does to me.  Even after more than a decade of working on myself and being an active member of society, I am still isolated.   Borderline people separate the good from the bad.  I believe a friend is someone who stays friend after knowing you all the way.  I guess I am not a very good friend.  In the end my judgement is the same at all times, the bad rules out the good.   As a result I am by myself and lonely to be.  Humans are imperfect creatures if only I could learn to like them as such.  For now I would rather get a dog.

babuhka2

Hi,

I am new to this message board. And I too have a mother whom I am convinced has BPD.  Your story about things that your mother did, was like I was writing it.  I think I am at my breaking point with my mother and yes it is just killing me.  My father passed away 2 yrs ago and thats when things started getting worse than they ever been.  I can see that my Dad buffered alot of her symptoms but it was like we all walking on egg shells.  My mother as had 4 or 5 suicide attempts.  The last one a year ago in July she shot herself in the chest.  She survived this attempt.  But has been going down hill ever since.  One day she will talk to me the next she hates me.  I started going to therapy after her last suicide attempt, although I have gone throughout my life with my parents different issues effecting me.  This therapist I found was the first one to make me see that it is not me.  And with the way I describe my mother he thinks thats what she has.  I been reading alot on the internet about BPD and mother displays almost all of the symptoms.

Your story touched me and I feel that I am doing the right thing.  I would really like to talk with you and share more of my story.

Thank you for sharing your story it has eased my pain knowing that I am doing the right thing.

Running back to your momma is NOT the answer!!!!!  You had to pull away for a reason, and I bet you thought long and hard about it before you cut her off!  I had to cut a parent off because of the destructive behavior associated with mental illness they refused to treat in order  to protect my child as well.  Other relatives got mad aboyut that after hearing one side of the story and cut me off.  Too bad.  Don't let anyone make you feel guilty like the poster above tried to do.  You may only have one mother, but if that mother is dangerous or destructive, you have every right to cut that danger and drama out of your life.  Your children depend on you to do so!  Don't get sucked back in by emotions and guilt others try to use to manipulate you. 

My relative was abused.  It is not MY responsibility to try and fix that, but it IS my responsibity to protect my child from what that abuse created, and I do. 

Let me share more of my story.  My parents had been married for 50 years before my father passed away.

And in  those years he did everything for my mother and buffered alot of her emotions. He did what he thought was right.  But now its even worse.   I am the oldest of 2. And had to grow up fast.  At one time both parents drank very heavily.  When I was about 10, I came home from school found my mother drunk outside put her to bed.  I then put my 4 year old brother in a wagon and walked 3 blocks to my aunts house.  I remember the first time I saw my dad cry.  One Christmas eve my parents were fighting, and when they fought it was loud and  my mom would throw things.  She was drunk on that Christmas eve and my dad was leaving and I told him not to leave and he cried and told me were he was going.  All night long my mom was calling every bar in town.  She lit a cigarette and caught a towel on fire, she put it out but me being young I smelled the smoke and got my little brother and sleep on the floor.  I had learned that there is more oxygen on the floor.  I remember going in the cabinet getting the vodka bottle out pouring it out and filling it back with water.  I remember changing my little brothers diaper and my mom throwing a glass at my dad and hurting him.  Do I remember good times? Not very many.  This was my childhood.  When I was in 9th grade me and my mom had some kind of disagreement my dad stuck up for me.  The next morning my dad told me to apologize to my mom. I didn't because I didn't do anything wrong.  I came home and my mom has tried to commit suicide.  Did I think it was my fault?  You bet.  My mom medicated herself with alcohol, she was addicted to xanac at one time has gone to many, many therapist. We walked on egg shells growing up.  When I went through something in my life it was not me going through it, it was my mother.  It was her wedding , her divorce. she claims she raised my son, it was her, her, her.  I was my mothers ENABLER.  When my current husband per posed to me. I had one day of happiness, my mom informed that she started drinking again.  Every time something great came into my life, my mom had something negative to say or something happened.  One year after I was married she O. D. on prescription medication, again another suicide attempt.  I think this was number 3 or 4.  I found a out patient counselor and took her every week lost 4 hours of work and took her.  She would tell me she wasn't a very good mother. I told her that she did the best she could do.  So her last suicide attempt, the day after her 1st grandsons wedding she shot herself.  And she told me because when she came to get her mail at my house and saw me by the pool laughing my ass off and being happy.  She got so mad a went to my brothers house and shot herself.  So yes I have TRIED AND TRIED.  But I will not put my children through the roller coaster I have had to go through.  Since the first time I wrote.  She called said never to call her again she never wanted to see me.  And yes the next day she called and was crying.

Does it hurt me YES sometimes I want to pull my heart out. I wish my heart would catch up with my head.

But she will not and does not think she has a problem. 

I thank you for the encouragement of what I am doing is right.  I am still working on doing it. 

But thank-you

I hope you can see that I have tried.

Thanks

quick history - married my husband last year after 7 years of dating.

i left him before our 1 year anniversary. 

after leaving is when i started therapy - and just learned last week about me being BPD. 

since i have left (back in March) i have been going back and forth - wanting to divorce, wanting to reconcile. 

2 weeks ago, i was very emotional and angry and told him to send the divorce papers to his atty. 

two days after i told him to do that, i already regretted it.

i asked him if we could call off the divorce and really work at getting things worked out.  he now says that while he does still love, he has lost the connection with me.

we had problems, but not all was my fault.  i am freaking out because i have 2-4 weeks to make a final decision on the marriage and i am still going back and forth.

i am so lost and confused and tired and emotionally exhausted.

I have a family member that I believe has BPD.  I am a nurse and have researched this subject for many months, as I have suspected this family member has had this disorder for years.  Clinically, she has only  been diagnosed with depression and is now treated with 60 mg of Prozac daily.  I guess these are my questions:

 Is it common to be misdiagnosed with depression when you have this disorder? Why?

Are there any medications that work better than Prozac, and if so what are they? ( I ask this understanding that there is no magic pill.... therapy must exist as well)

How, How, How do I get this child through college when she clearly has the mentality of a 16 year old and EVERYTHING is drama to the max?

HELP! She's my cousin and I'm basically raising her @ this point - and I'm not that much older than she.  I have a two year old and seriously am not ready to deal with a 21 year old acting like a moody child!

Thanks for any advice.  Even though I've researched the disorder, clearly I am not able to "deal" with the issues that go along with it.