Quote From: djmattHey,
I understand the feeling. I have similar mood swings, and yours probably connect to bad embedded feelings and they come out with the mood swings. At least that's what I have determined about myself. I will be in a nice or peaceful, or comfortable situation which is stimuli for the brain, in a positive and good way. I believe that God gives us the capacity to imagine good things without it being sinful, mainly for a defense mecanism. Ie if one is in a bad situation, one can venture with one's mind to a nice place or time, or imagine winning the lottry, or whatever brings comfort in that time.
I am discouraged by negative situations, and am comforted by pleasant situations. It's hard to try to talk yourself through each day, I know this from experience. I can feel myself losing control of my thoughts and feelings, and my mind winds up in some bad place or time in my past life. But, here's the encouragement. The word PAST. It's another word, but it helps. The past is gone, and will not return. We gain wisdom and knowledge from past experiences and in some cases we learn not to put our hands back in the fire, so-to-speak. And by this, I mean dwelling on the past, which is very hard to control.
We cannot change what happened in the past. And the worse part is losing control over situations. When someone else takes advantage, this is one of the hardest things to deal with. Although not as severe as your case, mine was being bullied. I still think about this when the negative starts creeping in. And I know this does not compare, but it does give me some insight as to what you are feeling.
Consider now, and the future. You are someone, you do count, and remember SELF WORTH. Also remember that God say's "vengeance is mine". He take's that away from us because vengeance can destroy our lives. I heard a commentator, I cannot remember either one's name, but he was discussing another famous commentator and how he was always jealous of him, and he was consumed by this jealousy. Then the other commentator was arrested for drug abuse. You probably know who I am talking about, I cannot recall for some reason. But his point was that so much of his life was being consumed by this jealousy, and it was a big let down when he all of the sudden felt he was not such a bad person after all.
When I was fired from my career job, as I describe it in my posts, I was a manager over seven concrete plants, had seven plant mangers reporting to me, and after suffering from depression for several years, I revealed my depression to my employer. I was not out of work, and my supervisor even told me that I was better at 80% than most people were at 100%, but then all of the sudden I was fired.
This consumed me for several years. The first several months, this was all that I could think about, I had so much anger.
There was the story about the youth pastor at a large church when I was a young teenager, and to shorten the story he hit me in the stomach three or four times because I decided to get up and leave. I held a grudge against him for many years. I was consumed with anger and I was totally humiliated by this. Then one day, about four years ago, soon after we moved into our current home, this older man, kind of hunch-backed knocked on my door on a Saturday morning. This was about 25 years after the Church incident. He introduced himself and invited us to come to church. This was a different church, but this church is the one I grew up in until I was a teenager.
So this man had left the big church several years ago, and pastored a church in another state for several years, and began to pastor this church, in my neighborhood for a few years now.
I was shocked to see how much he had aged, and how humble and sincere this man seemed. I had carried around this horrible picture of this monster and had this grudge for all of these years. Then all of the sudden I realized I had been wasting my time. This preacher doesn't seem like a threat at all. And I have been to the church, and he has helped my with the house project. I still don't think he realizes who I am. I have dropped a couple of vague hints, but left it at that. I haven't told anyone at the church, only my wife and kids. My wife remembers the story well.
I understand the feelings of feeling like you are bad, I feel this often. I have panic attacks at times, anxiety attacks often feeling that I am a bad person, or that my wife will be upset with me because I had a bad day, though this is totally unwarranted. She is more than understanding.
I feel I am not worthy, things of this nature. I did read you reply to my post on the other site about the millstone. Thank you.
I can offer this, the same that I have said. that Jesus said "suffer little children to come unto me and forbid them not" and;
Read Matthew chapter Five. This includes the beatitudes. One verse # 16 says "let your light so shine before men, that they see your good works, and glorify your father who is in heaven."
Jesus speaking in Matthew 18:6 "But whoso shall offend one of theses little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.
I am not sure of more to say at this time, other than you are not alone. I do sincerely experince the feelings of being bad for some reason on a regular basis. Sometimes worse that others. Here are a couple of things that help me.
Think about it:
When I get down about the world situations, hunger, etc. I tell myself that I am suffering from my own situations, and if not then maybe I could do more to help others. I do little things, in my community to help others. Only pennies some times. For instance "Round Up Program" that rounds up your electric bill to next dollor. The money is for helping other who cannot pay their bills. I remember not being able to buy gas one day when our kids were little, and it was extremely cold outside. The gas company all of the sudded decided that I would have to pay up front because we had paid a bill late in the past. I pleaded with them, that I would pay them in two days; they refused and even when I told them I had children in the house. This was very cruel. I was very angry. We borrowed one small space heater (electric). We moved our bed and spread blankets on the floor that night, and put the kids between us and turned the heater up wide open. It was still cold. We were in a double wide. I could not understand how anyone could be so cruel.
I do other little things like this. I think about them, even though they may seem insignificant, it makes me feel better about myself. I have also collected money when I was working for other employees who were sick and on medical leave, and took the money and a card from the rest of the people to their houses.
Just other little things. When my son was little, we used the Ronald McDonald House in Augusta, GA, when he had to be in the hospital for several days for treatement and diagnosis of siezures. So almost eveytime we drive through McDonald's I drop my change in the box for the Ronald Mcdonald House. I give when I don't have to give. These things bring me back to reality.
It seems that human nature tells us to contribute to situations that we have already experienced, or has been close to home.
We are all created equally. And you take away everyone's material possessions, and thier credit cards, everything and put everyone in one place, let's say everyone is in uniform. A white uniform. Then what is the difference? These people who have refused to share, and have been to selfish to help others are going to start to panic, because they are so dependent on their wealth and power. Now they are just like the rest of us. Then I feel ok, the same. I have nothing to lose. I am the same as everyone, they are brought down.
This is my depiction of the rapture, or judgement day. There will be a lot of people who will be totally shocked when they are judged, and then those who have stayed the course, he says to us, "well done thou good and faithful servant, enter thee into the house of the Lord".
I truely believe the only way to fight the fight is to recall the things that the Lord has promised us, that the meek shall inheret the earth. Things of this nature. He is very specific about the treasure laid up in heaven, and I belive those treasures are things like eternal life, no more pain, no more sorrow, no more guilt, no more hunger, no more death, no more wars. Eternal bliss, I believe these are the gifts that await us. These are worth much more that material possessions.
Need to go for now. Hope I haven't confused you.
dj
He knows what he is talking about....
