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astrosue
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September 1, 2007, 11:03 am PDT

Yes, either way he loses--however...

Quote From: kstryk

The DAUGHTER-IN-LAW can be the instigator just as well and turn the son against the mother.  no one knows what exactly she tells her husband about what his mother did or said to her.  My DIL is very obsessive. they have not been married 1 year yet and have a 4-month-old son whom I have seen once. they live in another state.  she has now stopped sending me any pictures of my only grandson although she continues to send weekly pictures to others.  We were not invited to the baby's baptism.  I am very hurt and have had many days where all I do is cry because I can't see or be near my grandson or be a part of his life.  this gal has problems and wants me no where near her house, the baby and my son.  I won't play her game. I hope she eventually gets the help she needs but I'm afraid this marriage won't last and it is going to be my son who loses.  AGAIN>>>>> the DIL can be the instigator and "tell" her husband that his mother is at fault..... two-way street here.  So who does the son side with???? Either way he loses.

The grandchildren lose more.  They come into a family that is split and so are their brains:  one side is what they see and the other side is unknown whether there is truth or lies.  There will always be something missing from these grandchildren's lives and their psyche is not intact.  It can turn them into perpetual liars or non-committal people.

Also:  when there is a MIL problem, there is the eternal triangle--wife, husband, MIL.  I have these troubles with my son and as far as I am concerned, I cannot get OUT of their marriage inspite of the fact that they never respond to any contact from me including no responses to gifts sent to the grandchildren. 

I took my son to a therapist with myself in the beginning of the schism and the first thing she said was:  Well, what are you going to tell the children????

There was no answer.  A month later my son lied to the therapist about whether he had or had not notified me of his cancellation of a scheduled visit.

No one who knew my relationship with my son can even believe that this has happened because it always seemed he loved me.  Well, we MIL have to make our peace and preserve our mental health and for me this demands that I not have contact with sadistic and deceptive blood relatives.

Sue
 
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astrosue
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September 4, 2007, 10:53 am PDT

Loving our D-I-L

Quote From: winking

I had a wonderful mother-in-law. She was always truthful with me as well as helpful. She told me once that I was acting like a spoiled brat when my husband and I were arguing,which I was! I was 16 then and had been married only months. That was 43 years ago and we are still married. I still miss her today.She was an angel on earth. She said when she was in the hospital dying that she loved me like one of her daughters. We lost her quick,( 3 days). She had cancer.

I think that so many daughters-in-law view their husbands mothers as the enemy. I think so much of the time without any reason. They think it's the way they are supposed to veiw the M-I-L. 

I have one daughter-in-law that is that way. I did everything I could to let her know that I loved her and was glad to have her in our family. It didn't work. It has been over a year since I have seen my two grand-daughters and they live less than 10 miles away. I do blame my son for that because he could do something about it. He will come to see us but he never brings the girls. One day he will realize how wrong that was but it will be too late. They get to see the other grand-parents every day most of the time.

I have another daughter-in-law and I let her know that I am glad she's in our family. We give each other hugs before we leave. We talk on the phone . Go places together and laugh and cry together.We have a good relationship and my son or daughter-in-law make sure that when one set of grand parents see those precious children so do the other set of grand parents. I think  you need to work on the relationship to make a complete family. Sometimes it just won't work but each should try 100% to make a complete family.

If you know you have done everything you could do and the hate and blame is still there, you just may have to learn to live without them in your life. It's not easy but when it comes down to it ,You can't make someone love you.

Me, too!  I DID LOVE HER!  On the last brief telephone call, I said, "You know, I have always loved you"......She said:   "Love?  . That's not enough."

(!!!!).  A voice inside me said:  "You will never see one red cent from me".

It is the damage to the grandchildren which floors me.  I have to go along

with this predicament and hope for the best and know that the damage to the children was done early and is permanent and I cannot change that.  I just cannot figure out how anyone would fractionate a family in this most complex world.   Sue

-----------------------------

You wrote:

I have one daughter-in-law that is that way. I did everything I could to let her know that I loved her and was glad to have her in our family. It didn't work. It has been over a year since I have seen my two grand-daughters and they live less than 10 miles away. I do blame my son for that because he could do something about it. He will come to see us but he never brings the girls. One day he will realize how wrong that was but it will be too late. They get to see the other grand-parents every day most of the time.
 
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astrosue
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September 4, 2007, 11:03 am PDT

#3 is absolutely wrong!

Quote From: bcolter220

I read your entry a few times to see what I may have been missing and came to the conclusion that I'm not missing anything but your story is...it just makes no sense. I have a son and I am very confident that 1st, I as his mother would never place him in a position where he would have to choose between his wife and myself...2nd, no one can poison his mind against me because I am confident that I raised him to have his own mind so if he had a problem with me it would be his problem and no one elses...and 3rd no one can stop a grand-parent who wants (badly enough)  to see their grandchildren from seeing them. Your son is his father, why is it only your DIL taking the blame for your inability to interact with your grandchild...it sounds like you want this woman to take the blame for actions in which your son also has a say.

If the MIL and children/grandchildren do not live in the same state, there is absoutely no way grandparents can get visitation rights unless the children are wayward, sick, illegal, etc.  Mostly, those of us in the predicament have totally straightforward progeny and thus there is no way to force this legally.

Sue
 
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