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July 28, 2005, 1:14 pm CDT

Mid-Life Crisis????

I feel I am no longer in love with my husband of 13 years. We don't fight or anything.  I just feel like he is more of a friend now.  We have two children so if we were to get a divorce, they would be devastated.  Could this be some sort of mid-life crisis?  I'm 31 years old.  I need help.  I'm so confused.
 
August 1, 2005, 12:52 pm CDT

Need Help, Please

I got married when I was just barely 18.  It's been 13 years and I'm just not happy at all.  I've felt this way for a couple years.  I just blamed it on depression from turning 30, but it has not gotten any better.  I do have 2 wonderful kids that I would not trade for anything in the world, but my life is not how I thought it would be growing up.  We live paycheck to paycheck and I just found out that my husband is not depositing all his check like he tells me he does.  He is keeping out $100 every two weeks and I have no idea what he is doing with it.  He doesn't know that I know this and I don't know what to say to him. 

 

If I were to leave him it would devastate the kids and I would rather live in misery then see them live that way. 

 

I actually changed my mind about marrying him a couple of days before we married, but he took me on a guilt trip and I did it anyway, which I now resent him for.  We ran off to get married so it wasn't like we had a big wedding planned that we would have had to call off. 

 

Any advice?              

 
August 2, 2005, 8:58 am CDT

Divorce

Quote From: juballl

"Children would rather be from a broken home, than to live in one." This is the truth. Don't use the children as an excuse to not have a backbone, and do what needs to be done. Children are resilient, and will bounce back ten fold.

Moving out and being on your own is a scary thing to face, but don't blame your children's well being on staying where it may not be pleasant, but it safe.

Seek out legal counsel, to find out where you stand, and then decide what you are willing not do. Do you not work? If you don't go find a job, and start saving money. Why are you depending on your husband for support? Another para-phrase from the good doctor, people only treat us the way 'we" allow them to, so grow a back bone, and stand up the this man, because that is just as much your money as it is his.

I hope this helps, good luck. You can read mine, Readgood2u, and tatianasb1's post in the archives for some great ideas on how to go about doing, what needs to be done./

He's not mean to me or anything.  I just feel like he is more of a room mate than anything else.  We never fight in front of the kids actually, we hardly ever talk to each other anymore.  I think we have grown up and grown apart.
 
September 13, 2005, 11:46 am CDT

What all is included?

Quote From: marcia52

When I purchased my home back in 1997, I picked up a brochure at the bank on ESCROW.  The AHA moment came when I realized that I could do the same for myself.  So I went home and made a list of what my yearly bills were going to be:

  1. Car Insurance, House Insurance, Life Insurance, Dental Insurance
  2. Water & Sewer
  3. Vacation
  4. Home Repairs
  5. Car Repairs
  6. House payment
  7. Property Taxes

I then totaled up the amounts and divided it by 26 (the # of paychecks I get in 1 year).  Then I went to the bank and opened up a savings account.  Had the bank transfer the AMOUNT into the ESCROW account every pay period.

 

It took a while to build up the ESCROW; however, it was wonderful when at 6 months, I was paying my car insurance at one time.

 

The house payment was easier too!  Instead of 1 large payment, I had it split up.  All I had to do was transfer the monies back into my savings and write a check.

 

NOTE: there are 52 weeks in a month, and I got paid every other week which meant I had 26 paydays in a year.  2 of those checks helped me to build up my ESCROW account and I had the extra monies to help me pay for emergencies or a vacation or a new TV at the end of the year.

When figuring your monthly bills, did you include estimated utility bills, grocery, gas, etc?  Or only those you listed above?  This sounds like a good idea! 
 
September 13, 2005, 12:02 pm CDT

Threatening Grandparents Law

My FIL has had numerous affairs and even asked my husband very personal questions about me when we first got married.  I had always told my husband that when we had kids there would be problems because I would not trust him around them.  After our daughter was born, my MIL and FIL began coming by the house almost daily wanting to take our daughter with them.  She was my first born and wasn't going anywhere except with me or her daddy.  Needless to say, there were problems after that.    

   

Right before my son was born, they had a meeting with my husband in which they told him that they were pursuing grandparent's rights.  They said they would have our kids every other weekend and there was nothing we could do about it.  His dad said some very nasty things to him, like they would have us arrested if we didn't let the kids go, etc.  

   

They did not pursue this because after we talked to our lawyer, it was discovered that they didn't have a case.  My husband has forgiven them for this and goes to see them occasionally.  I still have not forgiven them and don't see that I ever will.  I hate it when he takes the kids to go see them.  How can I get past this?  

 
September 19, 2005, 12:57 pm CDT

Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Quote From: ritehere

Sounds like you and the FIL have been on the "outs" since day one. I can understand why if he was brazen enough to ask his own son personal questions about you. This shows a lack of respect for both you and his son. The way he is acting about the grandkids also shows an attitude that he considers you all his "possessions." The fact that the whole situation alarmed you enough that you talked to your lawyer shows that you are afraid of him. (I'm leaving the MIL out of this because it sounds like the old man is the one who has all the power.) The fact that your husband forgave him is disturbing, did he apologise? Your husband knows them better than you do, does he think they are controlling? Does he think they will keep up this kind of manipulation?
Maybe you should move so they won't be around so much.

My FIL is very controlling.  Before we married, he told my dad that he controlled his wife and after we were married, my husband would control me.  Well, it didn't work out that way and he can't stand a woman setting him straight.   

  

To my knowledge, he never did apologize to my husband.  Just dropped it and thought it would go way.  I don't trust them at all and don't see that I ever will. 

 
January 10, 2006, 1:00 pm CST

I felt guilty

I feel like I was pressured to get married at a young age (18).  We had no money and were only going to the courthouse to get married.  A few days before we had planned on going, I called him and told him I wanted to wait until we were older, I still wanted to go to college and just wasn't ready.  He begged me and cried asking me not to do this to him and I felt guilty so I did it anyway.  The first 10 years were good, then my feelings started changing toward him.  I started thinking of all the things I would have loved to do.  I don't have the education I always wanted and I'm not financially where I wanted to be at my age.  I feel a lot of resentment toward him.  We are now basically roommates.  I see him more as a friend than a spouse.  I can't even bring myself to say I love you or give him a kiss anymore. 
 
February 19, 2007, 11:49 am CST

Mid-life crisis or something else?

I am in my early 30's and have been married since I was 18.  I never had the chance to go out and be independent.  I never dated anyone other than my husband either.  Now I'm starting to wonder- what if things were different?  I always had this mental image of the man I was going to marry and my husband is nothing like it.  I still love him, but more like a friend.  We aren't intimate any longer- maybe once a year if that much. 

 

I sometimes think I'm only going to live once so am I going to continue being unhappy or should I take a chance to go and do new things?  We have two wonderful kids that I would never want to hurt so that's another thing- stay with him for the kid's sake?  I'm sure no one would ever love the kids as much as he does and I definitely want them to be happy. 

 

What if this mental image I have of the man of my dreams is just that...an image, a fantasy- then what?  What if the vision of how I wanted to spend my life is just a fantasy as well?  How will I ever know if I truly missed out on living my life to the fullest?

 

Could this be a mid-life crisis or what?  Help, I need advice!

 
October 4, 2007, 6:47 am CDT

What should I do?

Here's my situation:   I got married when I was 18 to the only guy I ever dated.  Now 15 years later, I'm miserable.  I'm not in love with him anymore.  I started feeling this way about 3 years ago, but it keeps getting worse.  We tried counseling, but that didn't help.  We haven't had sex in about 8 months.  I have no desire to be with him.  He says he still loves me, but I can't make myself love him back.  I only love him as a friend now and nothing more.  I have distanced myself from him so much.  I think deep down inside I kinda hope he will find someone else and leave.    We do have two kids and they are the only reason I'm staying.  Does this affect them to see mom and dad not having any kind of normal relationship?  We barely speak and never say I love you or show any signs of love toward each other.  Should I stay or go?  I need all the advice I can get.
 

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