Messages By: gatinoise

Today's story, about the husband not accepting his wife because she gained weight, is my story. 

  

I had such a low self esteem that I believed I was "yak" and "disgusting". 

  

Me, it was my belly that got big after three pregnancies.  I lost all my pregnancy fat because I breastfed the babies for a long period of time, but my belly did not return to it's pre-baby state!  My babies were all born at 9+ pounds, so my belly muscles had a lot of stress.  On the other hand, nursing my three babies for a long time gave me nice breasts, which also did not return to their original size.  When I married I only had AA cups. 

  

My husband always focussed on my disgusting belly, and never on my nice breasts.  At the time, I did not see my assets and my self-esteem tanked. 

  

Besides my belly, he also focussed on all the other things that were wrong with me,  he never mentioned my good points.  This made matrimonial rape OK. with him., and my feeling that I did not deserve any better. 

  

I did not understand what was wrong with me.  At times I had these "suicide flashes", urges to end it all.  This was a warning sign to me, but I did not want to tell anybody, I was just too scared. 

  

Anyways, my husband, who is sooo much better than me, sooo  perfect,  got tired of being with such a flawed person as me, and started cheating on me.  One day he became physically violent towards me, I called the police, and filed for divorce.  

  

Good riddance! 

  

I now understand myself a lot more, and going through a healing process. 

Yeah, I have been there too.  

  

And got out.  

  

I know others who also have been through the same thing as you and me.    

  

I can tell you this, your husband does not love you, he does not respect you.  You deserve respect from your husband.  He has absolutely no right to humiliate you the way he does.  Have you told him how it makes you feel?  Let him know.  If he is sorry and changes his behaviour, it means he was not aware of how it made you feel and he wishes to change.  If he justifies himself, if he laughs at what you are trying to tell him, he is insensitive and will not change.  Dump him.  

  

He seems to be the type of guy who wants to feel accepted by his father at whatever the price, even if this means hurting your feelings.  It is either his father who is his priority in life, or it is you.  It cannot be both.  He has to stand up to his father and not permit him to make fun of you., and take your defense.  That is being a man. That is loving you.  

  

If you are still diabetic, and your doctor tells you, you need insulin, who is your husband to refuse this medication to you?  He is no medical expert, he does not have the right to deprive you of  the medication you need.  Have you looked into the consequences of untreated diabetes?  This is a very serious condition and not getting insulin can have huge complications.  That are a lot more costly than the cost of insulin.  

  

How do you feel about yourself?  Do you have a good self-esteem?  A good sense of self-worth?  

  

Take care of yourself  and of your baby, and focus on the people you understand and accept you.  

When a woman gets pregnant and she does not want to have their child, she is the only one who has the legal right to end her pregnancy.  

  

And if the father of their unborn child does wish to have their child, he has absolutely no recourse, he has absolutely no legal right to stop her.  

  

The courts will not step in an prevent the woman from having her abortion.  It is her body, the baby is a distinct person,  their child , result of the actions of both, nevertheless she is the only one who has the right to make that decision.  

  

If men and women are equal, both parents should have a say when making a decision about abortion, because it is the child of both.  

  

Yes men and women both have the same rights under the law  

  

Men and women are equal, but sometimes women are more equal than men!    

All four of us - daughters - married controlling manipulative husbands. The result:  four disastrous marriages that ended in divorces. The underlying reason:  legacy from our parents' modeling.

 After 15 years of marriage, one of my sisters started suffering from major depression with psychotic episodes, the result of being in an emotional, psychological, verbal abusive marriage during all those years.  After finally going through a very difficult divorce,  and trying to get herself together, she moved "back home".  She is not rich, so my parents lent her an old car, so she could get around.  She also  found herself a job, low-paying, but still, a step forward.

My father is not empathetic towards her at all.  He bosses her around all the time, and tells her what to do and what not to do.  You  would think  he would encourage her and support her, but no.  He is critical the whole time.  She reacts by being passive-aggressive, which is not a very mature reaction, but understandable under the circumstances.  He could be happy his daughter is close to home.  But all he sees are her shortcomings.

Anyways, he did not agree with the job she got herself.  So, he took away the car they lent her.  She has no way of getting to her place of employment, so she lost her job.  My father is justifying himself, which I find just monstrous.

 Post Traumatic Stress Disorder  is the medical term I should have used,  since  this is her official diagnosis.  The abuse she has suffered did cause her medical condition.

 In  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, there are several symptoms, but one person does not necessarily have them all.  In her case, the threats her husband made to her, caused her imagination to run wild and the things she believed were absolutely unreal.  This is why they used the term "psychotic episodes".

She never had visual, auditory or olfactory hallucinations.

Now, that she has moved away from her ex-husband, she no longer has these psychotic episodes.

Since my parents know all these things, they should have a very different attitude.  They should be supportive, stop butting in, stop bossing her around, stop trying to control her.

They understand very well where her condition came from, so they should make an effort to not put her in a similar situation.  They are not looking at themselves, and are not questioning their own behavior.  This worries me a lot.  I am afraid this will  cause my sister to relapse.

Kaylee's mom was in touch with CPS and their reply was that nothing was going on in the father's house, that Kaylee's mom was making things up or worrying for nothing.

 

Dr Phil sort of said CPS always errs on the way of caution and his conclusion was that if CPS did not believe Kaylee's mom it is because she must have been coaxing Kaylee to make up stories, reward Kaylee for saying these things or else it is because she acts in a histrionic fashion.

 

Well, I can say this much:  If my daughter would ever have said someone molested her, I would have been screaming in rage - to say the least ! - The police would have been called, and the guy arrested.  This is a maternal instinctively reaction of protecting one's child.  I have always told my children that if someone ever told them not to tell something to me, that this is a bad secret.  I would have wanted to know right away if something was happening, and not find out years later, after a lot of damage has been done.

 

Kaylee is a brave little girl for letting her mother know, and her mother has the courage to do something about it.  How many mothers have been blamed in the past for not believing their children's accusations?

 

 

It often happens CPS does not believe a parent, especially in a separation/divorce custody/visitation/access situation when one parent reports abuse from the other parent.

 

I know about a situation where a father was giving alcohol to a small child and allowed others to do so.

 

This child is already traumatized by the divorce of her parents, and emotionally fragilized. 

 

A witness reported this to CPS, but they have done nothing.

 

Sexual abuse is bad, but other types of abuse are also very damaging, and we never hear about them.

 

CPS do not seem to take the other types of abuse very seriously, nor do others in position of authority, since they make no mention of them.

 

 

It is well known that one can fall head over heels for someone for the wrong reasons.

 

For example, if someone has a lovely smile, good manners, a nice voice. That is very superficial but can sweep a person off their feet, and make that person blindly fall in love.  The real person behind all these nice aspects can be very difficult to live with on a daily basis.

 

So, in looking for a life partner, is it not more important to use one's common sense instead? Would a relationship based on good solid friendship not have a better chance of succeeding than a relationship based on passion? 

 

If one really likes a person and both get along well, have a good time together, understand and respect each other, well, why wait around for "love"?

 

I think the mere notion of "passion" and "love" is absolutely silly. One cannot base life decisions on these absolutely unstable state of emotions.

Yes, I agree, having PASSION and being BEST FRIENDS is the ideal situation in a relationship, and you are very lucky to have both. You also have been with your man for only 4 years. The "make it or break it" point is 7 years!

 

But I also think your situation is a minority situation.  I think most people get together when there is passion and love, and do not look any further, because passion and love feel sooo good.  And this is why the divorce rate is so high. After the passion and love are gone, nothing is left. Sometines, it has created children, so when everything goes wrong, these poor kids are the victims.

 

But good solid friendship, understanding and respect, do not disappear overnight. Of course they don't create these overwhelming sensations of wellbeing, but in the long run, they are the qualities that last and stay. So, if like most people, you can't have both, like you have, I think the wisest thing to do, is to hook up with this best friend, even if there is absolutely no love nor passion. I think we should base lifelong decisions on what our reason tells us, not on what our hormones tell us.