Messages By: cityborn

You've already run out of stones, and are now trying to turn over grains of sand !  

So, you've stopped having sex with him ?   Well, YEAH..........just for the sake of not getting an STD

is reason enough !  You say you don't care anymore, so WHY are you still with him ?  Is it for your son ?  Is it for financial reasons ?   Don't get me wrong, these can be very valid reasons given someone's circumstances.  However, you need to think about all of the emotional and physycological abuse this man has and is STILL putting you thru.  Even a counselor has already told you that you HAVE TO leave him.

Now, he's talking with another woman AND acting weird again ?  He's just uncapable of having just one woman and being FAITHFUL.   Are you willing to spend your life being cheated on ? 

I went thru a very hard time with my h  a while ago.  Although his problem wasn't other women, but rather booze and drugs.   I thought there was another woman becaseu he too would sometimes come home in the AM hours, until I had him investigated.  Wen I decided that was enough, I just laid it out to him that he WILL lose his family and EVERYTHING.....if he didn't take advantage of ONE and only ONE chance that I would give him. He knew I was serious as I already was speaking with an atty.   That was all it took ( so far) for him to turn his act around.  Some men so, some men don't.

It's up to you how much you can live with.

Ladies,  

Lenamom may find this hard to believe, but I not only feel her pain and badly for HER, but I also feel badly for Mellynz.  If this man outwardly LIED to her, and she believed she was involved with a "free" man, then she is a VICTIM as well. Granted, they were not married and she hadn't experienced all the sacrifices for this man a wife makes thru years of marriage---------but, she was deceived too.   

I know there are heartless OW out there, who intentionally go after married men. Some do it for the shear thrill of having someone else's man.....and Lenamom, THOSE women I hate just as much as you seem to......and I think the utter disgust you emit in your posts to Mellynz is really aimed toward women like THAT.  OW who knowingly get involved with married men, and continue their involvement solely for their own selfish gratification will one day know the meaning of "what goes around, comes around".   As low as that may seem, it's the married man (or woman) who cheats and lies to his spouse ......now THAT'S the real scum !   Why would ANY wife want a man like that ?  

There wouldn't be any ow if commited men could keep their pants zipped. 

Ladies,  

I hope everyone had a good Holiday... ( despite the disagreements on this board ! )  

I believe it was Lenamom who asked me many messages ago - if I've come to my opinions from personal experiences.  The answer is YES.  You see, I've been on both sides of the fence in one way or another.  First let me say that cheating is WRONG no matter what the circumstances are....and as soon as you are AWARE that you are the OW or the OM, you should GET OUT IMMEDIATELY.  

Many years ago I was living with my man. We co-habitated in as much of a committed relationship that you can get WITHOUT the marriage license.  That neither here nor there.....I was IN LOVE, and 

so was he (supposedly).  All was great for several years.  He began all the typical stuff a person cheating does: out late, less interested in sex, not home from work on time, spending more time on his cell phone than our land-line at home, etc.  Long story short, I answered a call on his cell phone one night he stepped out for a pack of cigs.  YES, it was the OW.  SHE seemed more surprised than I that he had another woman in his life. My initial reaction was shear HATE for this OW......HOW DARE SHE ????  Not even considering hating the a-hole who lied to us both.   

My point is that I think it is VERY NATURAL to attack the OW. We want soooooooooooo much to believe that our man is more of a victim than a predator. We want to believe sooooooo much that our man REALLY LOVES us, and if it wasn't for this whore, he wouldn't be cheating on us.  But, in my case the OW and I were BOTH victimized by a cheating man. No more to be said.  He was able to establish some bogus apartment owned by one of his good buds to pass it off as his own when in her presence.  I had to PHYSICALLY show her utility bills and personal affects to prove he was in fact living with ME.   She felt duped and used.....and so did I.  But, because he and I had a history ogether, I CHOSE to stay with him and give him a chance.  That lasted for a short time, when I finally came to the realization of all the pain he had caused and the fact that I just couldn't spend my life with a man who could do this.    He ended up with no one------ not me, or the OW.  

Moving one........I have been "hit on" hundreds of times in bars, the park, even grocery stores by MARRIED MEN.  Many make no attempt to hide their wedding bands, and confess they're after a role in the sack !   I pity their wives.   At one time I started a relationship with a man I met while out with my girlfriend.  A SINGLE man.....so I was led to believe.   It was NOT a serious relationship, we didn't get into meeting eachother's families.  We DID meet eachother's friends, and apparently his friends were in on the secret that he was married.........no one told me.   He worked about 90 mins from my home, and SUPPOSEDLY he lived over 3 hours away from me.  So we usually met either near his work, or near my home.   At the time I had a very social life and he was NOT the end-all-or-be-all in my life.   Although, my feelings for him were starting to grow.....I could see it becoming more, and I wanted it to.  I inadvertently discovered he was married.  I told him what I suspected, and he confessed.  He was full of the same old sad sack story of " I'M INTENDING TO DIVORCE MY WIFE" , that I'm sure all the married men cough up once they're outed.  I ended that relationship 2 days later, telling him that he may call me again only when he can show me finalized divorce papers, and that he better not divorce his wife OVER ME, because there was no guarantee he and I had a future together.   We never contacted eachother again after that conversation.  I can only imagine he was continuing to cheat on his wife with someone else.   When all was said and done, I felt very badly for his wife. I DID feel some guilt, although I had no idea I was hurting another woman.   A part of me was hurt.........but, I knew whatever hurt I felt was nothing compared to what our continued relationship would've done to his wife. 

So, I WAS on both sides of the fence. BOTH times I was lied to , both times I was hurt......one more than the other.   Both times I believe I kept my dignity and morals in check.   Has it come to a point that women have to hire a private investigator each time they 

begin seeing someone ??????       Maybe.  

I'm not sure if I'm clear on what you are trying to say in your last few posts.  Sounds like you're making excuses for a man's behavior due to their genetic make-up ?  It's the nature of the beast ? They can't change it as much as someone cannot change the color of their skin ?  COME ON !!! 

Do you REALLY believe that ?  

I will give you the idea that men are more visually stimulated than women....and that the visual stimulation leads directly to a sensation in their pants.   BUT, THAT's when their BRAIN, MORALS, REASONING RIGHT FROM WRONG should kick in !!!!!!!!!     Every man who has a penis also has a brain, and the ability to know right from wrong.    The wives (or any cheated on woman) shouldn't allow him excuses just because he's "wired that way". or "men will be men".    Any woman who buys into those ideas as being "truths" are selling themselves short.......it's these very thoughts that ALLOW men to get away with cheating. 

I also don't agree with the statement that the husband "respects" his wife, and not the OW.  If he truly respected his wife, he wouldn't stray.  It's the fact that these men DON'T have the capability to  

resepct their wives.....that plays into his cheating ways.  

If he's told you he's not in love with you anymore, and he's admitted to the "offer" he made to your friend.......then, you shouldn't trust him. How do you know for sure that nothing happened between he and your friend ?    I guess I'm not clear on what you're looking for......you said you're not in love with him either.   He's not been "in love" with you for the last  3 years, so I don't think he's going to magically get there on his own without some counseling. If he WON'T go, I guess you have your answer on where he stands.  Now, think of yourself.  You may still want to go to counseling, just to  

get yourself and thoughts together.  Go to counseling not necessarily to better your marriage, but to better yourself.  YES, it is very possible for a couple to stay together as "friends" IF that's what they BOTH want. Every couple is different, but many stay together for financial reasons or for the children.  Some even have "open" marriages, when they BOTH AGREE to be able to see other people. If you both agree to it, then obviously it's NOT cheating.  Keeping any "dates" aware of your marital situation would also be the right thing to do.