Messages By: djmatt
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August 15, 2005, 3:10 pm PDT
 A prisioner of one's own fears, I've not heard nor read words that appropriatly describe the force and magnitude of MENTAL PAIN. How can one's mind be one's own enemy? How can one feel so compelled to end one's life, but feel too much guilt to hurt others? How can this continue in a scientific rich nation as ours with so much research and resources at hand? How can I hang my head and cry because I feel I have failed miserably in this life? How can so many people ignore the horrors manifested thru the screams and crys of those who suffer so intensly, never knowing if this is his or her last cry for help? With all of my hopes and dreams as a younger man, how can I want to lie down and give up? Why? Why are there so many others out there like me and what determines who survives and who cries out for the last time? This is too much.
Please read the following excerpt from one of my books that I am struggling to write in order to help others, but keep in mind, I do not know when my last cry for help will be silenced.
...But one night while attending a Christmas Play in 1974, I looked to the back of the church trying to plan an escape from a girl who kept following me around and I spotted these two young girls in the back, just outside the back entrance. I advanced and started talking to these two girls. One was blond and seemed kind of wild, the other was very cute, she had long dark brown hair, and was as sweet as an angel. She looked like an angel to me. We exchanged phone numbers, and began to talk on the phone. My brother happened to be giving guitar lessons to her brother so one day I tagged along and took my microphone and P.A. I sang while my brother played, and although she didn’t realize it I was singing the love songs to her. It was so wonderful, so innocent, indescribable. From that point on you could not keep me away from her. I asked her to “go with me“, as we said then, and she said “yes” when she was fourteen. I soon bought her a pre-engagement ring, and the rest is history. She is the love of my life, the most wonderful and precious thing to ever come into my life. My depression was gone for the most part, although I still felt signs of it. I told her this before we got married. Not using the word “depression”, I can’t remember exactly what I told her. But wanted to make sure she understood there was something not exactly right in my emotional realm and she accepted this and married me. I believe she thought she could fix it. Or because of our youth, didn’t see it as any thing serious. I remember one time before we were married something came up that felt as though she may be losing interest in me, and I told her that if I lost her I would drive my car, a souped-up ‘67 Chevy II Nova, at top speed and run it off the road. I have always wondered if she stayed with me for fear of being responsible for my life. But I was very sincere, and was headed out to do this when she stopped me and ensured me that everything was ok. I would have killed myself had she broken off the engagement. I would kill myself now if she ever left me. She has been so wonderful and strong and supportive, and I tell her that as often as possible. She’s wonderful. It scares me when I think about the possibility of ever losing her. She is my soul mate, my Goddess of the stars, everything a person needs for support, love and comfort.
When our first and only grandchild came into this world almost two years ago I formed a bond with him so close. My daughter and her husband were living with us at the time and until he was about 16 months old. I hugged and kissed and loved on my grandson like he was my own. I asked my wife was I being too affectionate, or doing anything wrong. As she normally reassures me, “you have to do what you feel is right, and there is nothing wrong with that”. See what I mean. How more wonderful can a person be? She is at work right now while I am at home on medical leave. I am having neck surgery this coming Friday after suffering the painful affects of neck trauma for more than 6 years. I need to get back to the story at hand. I am writing a book personally, or more than one. The first has to do with people with mental conditions in the work place. I haven’t named the books yet, but this one is for the benefit of both employee and employer. I don’t consider myself, nor does my doctor to be mentally unstable in any way, but I have been suffering from Major Depression for the past fifteen plus years. It was triggered by some traumatic events in our lives, but was aggravated severely by my employer. I will describe in more detail in my book about the events surrounding the near possible loss of life when I was fired from a career job of 9 years only after revealing to my employer that I had “Clinical Depression”. My employer at the time was a private owned business in Columbus, GA owned by an individual who was an heir of a multi-billion dollar company. In other words, as one attorney told me, “he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.” He could come across as being a kind and personable individual, but to deal with him directly when I got fired, it was like dealing with the devil himself. This man is so full of selfishness and greed I believe he could be the devil.
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August 15, 2005, 3:32 pm PDT
Quote From: djmatt A prisioner of one's own fears, I've not heard nor read words that appropriatly describe the force and magnitude of MENTAL PAIN. How can one's mind be one's own enemy? How can one feel so compelled to end one's life, but feel too much guilt to hurt others? How can this continue in a scientific rich nation as ours with so much research and resources at hand? How can I hang my head and cry because I feel I have failed miserably in this life? How can so many people ignore the horrors manifested thru the screams and crys of those who suffer so intensly, never knowing if this is his or her last cry for help? With all of my hopes and dreams as a younger man, how can I want to lie down and give up? Why? Why are there so many others out there like me and what determines who survives and who cries out for the last time? This is too much.
Please read the following excerpt from one of my books that I am struggling to write in order to help others, but keep in mind, I do not know when my last cry for help will be silenced.
...But one night while attending a Christmas Play in 1974, I looked to the back of the church trying to plan an escape from a girl who kept following me around and I spotted these two young girls in the back, just outside the back entrance. I advanced and started talking to these two girls. One was blond and seemed kind of wild, the other was very cute, she had long dark brown hair, and was as sweet as an angel. She looked like an angel to me. We exchanged phone numbers, and began to talk on the phone. My brother happened to be giving guitar lessons to her brother so one day I tagged along and took my microphone and P.A. I sang while my brother played, and although she didn’t realize it I was singing the love songs to her. It was so wonderful, so innocent, indescribable. From that point on you could not keep me away from her. I asked her to “go with me“, as we said then, and she said “yes” when she was fourteen. I soon bought her a pre-engagement ring, and the rest is history. She is the love of my life, the most wonderful and precious thing to ever come into my life. My depression was gone for the most part, although I still felt signs of it. I told her this before we got married. Not using the word “depression”, I can’t remember exactly what I told her. But wanted to make sure she understood there was something not exactly right in my emotional realm and she accepted this and married me. I believe she thought she could fix it. Or because of our youth, didn’t see it as any thing serious. I remember one time before we were married something came up that felt as though she may be losing interest in me, and I told her that if I lost her I would drive my car, a souped-up ‘67 Chevy II Nova, at top speed and run it off the road. I have always wondered if she stayed with me for fear of being responsible for my life. But I was very sincere, and was headed out to do this when she stopped me and ensured me that everything was ok. I would have killed myself had she broken off the engagement. I would kill myself now if she ever left me. She has been so wonderful and strong and supportive, and I tell her that as often as possible. She’s wonderful. It scares me when I think about the possibility of ever losing her. She is my soul mate, my Goddess of the stars, everything a person needs for support, love and comfort.
When our first and only grandchild came into this world almost two years ago I formed a bond with him so close. My daughter and her husband were living with us at the time and until he was about 16 months old. I hugged and kissed and loved on my grandson like he was my own. I asked my wife was I being too affectionate, or doing anything wrong. As she normally reassures me, “you have to do what you feel is right, and there is nothing wrong with that”. See what I mean. How more wonderful can a person be? She is at work right now while I am at home on medical leave. I am having neck surgery this coming Friday after suffering the painful affects of neck trauma for more than 6 years. I need to get back to the story at hand. I am writing a book personally, or more than one. The first has to do with people with mental conditions in the work place. I haven’t named the books yet, but this one is for the benefit of both employee and employer. I don’t consider myself, nor does my doctor to be mentally unstable in any way, but I have been suffering from Major Depression for the past fifteen plus years. It was triggered by some traumatic events in our lives, but was aggravated severely by my employer. I will describe in more detail in my book about the events surrounding the near possible loss of life when I was fired from a career job of 9 years only after revealing to my employer that I had “Clinical Depression”. My employer at the time was a private owned business in Columbus, GA owned by an individual who was an heir of a multi-billion dollar company. In other words, as one attorney told me, “he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.” He could come across as being a kind and personable individual, but to deal with him directly when I got fired, it was like dealing with the devil himself. This man is so full of selfishness and greed I believe he could be the devil.
There are no answers |
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August 17, 2005, 7:38 pm PDT
Quote From: beachsmile Cathy, poster 101160, has a thoracic back injury. Morelok has had successful spine surgery. Lynn's mother has had successful spine surgery. So your next for successful spine surgery this Friday. I'm still hoping to be on ABC's Extreme Makeover to get mine or Renovate My Family with Dr. Phil's son, Jay. Back to you, though, your could have presurgery jitters as spine surgery is scary for anybody. I know you have had clinical depression for years. So here's some innovative new things you can do after you heal from neck surgery and, to some degree, you can now perhaps. Practice breathing to where you breathe deeper. Shallow breathing has been linked to anxiety, panic and depression and, even last month, an expert concurred the importance of oxygenating the brain. Ideally, after you heal from surgery, if you and your wife could go for walks every day as a couple that is A LOT of fun and a wonderful way to renew that "going together" feeling. Walking at malls and stopping at bistro cafe for tea or coffee or a milk shake. Positive affirmations can help because you are very hard on yourself. You DO have a wonderful wife but is she is so wonderful, and I believe you that she is, you must be too to her...as she sounds like one smart cookie to me. So, begin a daily positive affirmation notebook and title each (daily page) SELF MATTERS includes and sign your name with confidence and fill up with things positive about yourself and your attributes. Go to medlineplus.gov and type in depression and scroll to their encyclopedia defintion and read check list as sounds like you are proactive. Maybe you will see something you haven't tried yet. Also at www.clinicaltrials.gov you can type in Clinical Depression to check on new research. Believe it or not two studies in Dallas, proved walking 45 minutes a day resolved depression in mildly depressed that were non-responsive to medications. My father was a disabled veteran (PTSD) so I know all about discrimination, like your boss, such as not even being considered for plays. So poor my biggest dream then was having a matching dress and socks in grade school to fit in. What I tried to do is imagine if I was those who fit in...maybe I too wouldn't be empathetic to others less fortunate. So I would just be happy for others and developed a very strong relationship with God. Accepting my assigned roll of whatever, if anything is left over, I could have it if we remember to offer it to you. Actually in 6th grade teacher was mad I won Presidential Physical Fitness competition as then only two girls and boys got. It was that program that made me learn the importance of physical fitness and not consuming things unhealthy and years later President Clinton sent me my patch I never got in 1998. How cool is that? Plus, often being an observer of life was kind of neat. Anyway, back to you, since bosses can be abusive I don't rush to leave my president job. It is hard since a leap of faith hoping the next job is better. We'll never know if we leap will we though. Sort of like always jumping into a cool pool isn't so bad once you jump in. You touched on your grandson but didn't elaborate...is there something there troubling you? Spectacular you have written two books. Do you have a Writer's Market book. Library might have most current edition so ask librarian or check out this link "www.writersmarket.com/index_ns.asp" . SQuire Rushnell, of ABC, said he just sent in first chapter of his book to publisher to give publisher an idea. Writer's Market book will let you know what format publisher prefers. Yes, there are answers. Fear Not. Have Faith. IN YOU because SELF MATTERS includes YOU. If you can dream it you can achieve it. You got your dream partner. Most our limits are self imposed but we do run across a few who aren't empathetic...like one of your employers sounds...and like Jesus did we just kick the dust from our sandals and move on to those who do accept us. Hey, if your book is a best seller and what you write helps others discriminated against, that will be a plus. Don't give up on you no matter who else ever does because then you are just proving them right and instead prove God right because God doesn't make junk. Leave vengeance unto God...you have a life to live so let him keep score. Prayers to you and yours and please pray for me as well. Look in mirror each a.m. and say, "SELF MATTERS includes me because God doesn't make junk and so I'm putting all my worries on God's To Do List while I look for the possibilities in my life and count my blessings. These two links help me and, perhaps, will help you www.joelosteen.com/site/PageServer?pagename=FullSchedule IF YOU'D LIKE TO RECEIVE A FREE DAILY POSITIVE MINUTE E-MAILED TO YOU EACH A.M. JUST GO TO LINK BELOW on www.hourofpower.org/email/about.html Things are going to get better and better every day. Prayers follow you to and through your surgery Friday with MANY blessed tomorrows to follow you there and beyond. The format of these replies is a bit confusing to me. Thanks for your reply and concern. My comments about my grandson was based on a couple of things. I was terribly troubled that I could not pick him up, spend the time with him I desired due to the restrictions caused from my neck injury. The surgery seems to have been a success and I am just waiting to see if I fully recover from the physical symptoms after recovering from surgery.
The other thing is that as with my kids when they were growing up I was afraid I would not be around to see them grow up. My grandson is almost 2 years old and we are very close. What I am up against is the same thing as when my kids were growing up, and until this day. When the depression sets in it takes over my emotions completly. I really do not know if one day I will decide that I have had enough and make a split second decision. It's hard to fight this so many days. It's hard to explain, but it seems that my emotions are so hurtful, my reaction may be unpredictable.
Basically I am afraid of my own self some times. For instance, a few months ago I was severly depressed and was facing a major emotional situation, and without thinking it thru, I was in the barn with a rope and was tying the rope to the rafters, and was not thinking of the end result. I just knew I was in tremendous emotional pain by reflex was attempting to eliminate the pain. My son-in-law happened to walk into the barn and I was able to quickly come to my senses and diverted his attention by claiming I was rigging a support for something.
As I see it right now, there are no answers. I don't know what may happen, I don't know how much control I actually have when I am that deeply depressed. It saddens me to think that I could have ended my life and how it could have affected my grandson, and the rest of the family.
GOD Bless |
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August 18, 2005, 1:41 am PDT
Quote From: labelfree Passive suicidal thinking...you are not the first person to have thoughts like this....I have also have had thoughts like this...You get to a place inside where you to figgering stuff out and you either hit a brick wall or there is just feels like there is just no hope....But guess what it could mean you have a wackie THYROID or some other organ problem....Did you know that? When was the last time you went and had complete blood work up? You could have a touch of the sugar did you know that?
All this stuff could be throwing your system all out of sorts...GOD TOLD ME across my heart tonight for me to tell you please go and get a complete Physical from top to bottom in and out sorry that's what he said...just reporting...
That means every single CBC blood work up for your age etc...
That's all I know for now GOD BLESS YOU TO I will pray for you in the morning. Thank you for your reply and concern. I have had a lot of bloodwork done over the past several years. I know a couple of times recently. Also they have tested me from everything like Lyme Disease, Thyroid Problems, etc. It is time for a more thourough check up though. And the funny thing is that I crace sweets so terribley bad. It's like I cannot function without them.
Now the suicide thoughts have been going on for over 15 years; I am 45 now. I had ECT several years ago which fried my memory at the time. It was a horrible experience. I have been taking numerous medications for pain, anxiety, etc for a while and my organ functions need to be checked. It's been a little over a year.
THe one med that does tend to help with the depressive symptoms is the Neurontion. But the drawback is that I have to keep pumping it into my system by taking these pills every four to six hours per day, if not, or if I run out, it's devestating. Plus the fact that it doesn't always work.
Thanks for your prayers and support.
Maybe this is out of line, I'm not sure, but in your prayers I need a vehicle that doesn't break down almost everyday. It's almost totally destroyed and embarrasing to drive, and the transmission is shot. It just breaks down frequently.
Also I do need to change jobs. I decided to lay the groundwork for a major battle against my employer for when I return to work in about a week or two. I work for a multi-billion dollar corporation out of France, which happens to be the largest business of it's kind in the world. I finally mustard the courage to write to the Ceo / VP in France just before I went on medical leave. I have file numerous complaints in the states to no avail.
What my supervisor has been doing to me for the past few years is being a bulley. The reason he has gotton by with it is because I have been too sick to fight. But after I recover from the surgery, I am fighting will all I have.
Thanks again
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August 18, 2005, 10:02 am PDT
Quote From: beachsmile Cathy, poster 101160, has a thoracic back injury. Morelok has had successful spine surgery. Lynn's mother has had successful spine surgery. So your next for successful spine surgery this Friday. I'm still hoping to be on ABC's Extreme Makeover to get mine or Renovate My Family with Dr. Phil's son, Jay. Back to you, though, your could have presurgery jitters as spine surgery is scary for anybody. I know you have had clinical depression for years. So here's some innovative new things you can do after you heal from neck surgery and, to some degree, you can now perhaps. Practice breathing to where you breathe deeper. Shallow breathing has been linked to anxiety, panic and depression and, even last month, an expert concurred the importance of oxygenating the brain. Ideally, after you heal from surgery, if you and your wife could go for walks every day as a couple that is A LOT of fun and a wonderful way to renew that "going together" feeling. Walking at malls and stopping at bistro cafe for tea or coffee or a milk shake. Positive affirmations can help because you are very hard on yourself. You DO have a wonderful wife but is she is so wonderful, and I believe you that she is, you must be too to her...as she sounds like one smart cookie to me. So, begin a daily positive affirmation notebook and title each (daily page) SELF MATTERS includes and sign your name with confidence and fill up with things positive about yourself and your attributes. Go to medlineplus.gov and type in depression and scroll to their encyclopedia defintion and read check list as sounds like you are proactive. Maybe you will see something you haven't tried yet. Also at www.clinicaltrials.gov you can type in Clinical Depression to check on new research. Believe it or not two studies in Dallas, proved walking 45 minutes a day resolved depression in mildly depressed that were non-responsive to medications. My father was a disabled veteran (PTSD) so I know all about discrimination, like your boss, such as not even being considered for plays. So poor my biggest dream then was having a matching dress and socks in grade school to fit in. What I tried to do is imagine if I was those who fit in...maybe I too wouldn't be empathetic to others less fortunate. So I would just be happy for others and developed a very strong relationship with God. Accepting my assigned roll of whatever, if anything is left over, I could have it if we remember to offer it to you. Actually in 6th grade teacher was mad I won Presidential Physical Fitness competition as then only two girls and boys got. It was that program that made me learn the importance of physical fitness and not consuming things unhealthy and years later President Clinton sent me my patch I never got in 1998. How cool is that? Plus, often being an observer of life was kind of neat. Anyway, back to you, since bosses can be abusive I don't rush to leave my president job. It is hard since a leap of faith hoping the next job is better. We'll never know if we leap will we though. Sort of like always jumping into a cool pool isn't so bad once you jump in. You touched on your grandson but didn't elaborate...is there something there troubling you? Spectacular you have written two books. Do you have a Writer's Market book. Library might have most current edition so ask librarian or check out this link "www.writersmarket.com/index_ns.asp" . SQuire Rushnell, of ABC, said he just sent in first chapter of his book to publisher to give publisher an idea. Writer's Market book will let you know what format publisher prefers. Yes, there are answers. Fear Not. Have Faith. IN YOU because SELF MATTERS includes YOU. If you can dream it you can achieve it. You got your dream partner. Most our limits are self imposed but we do run across a few who aren't empathetic...like one of your employers sounds...and like Jesus did we just kick the dust from our sandals and move on to those who do accept us. Hey, if your book is a best seller and what you write helps others discriminated against, that will be a plus. Don't give up on you no matter who else ever does because then you are just proving them right and instead prove God right because God doesn't make junk. Leave vengeance unto God...you have a life to live so let him keep score. Prayers to you and yours and please pray for me as well. Look in mirror each a.m. and say, "SELF MATTERS includes me because God doesn't make junk and so I'm putting all my worries on God's To Do List while I look for the possibilities in my life and count my blessings. These two links help me and, perhaps, will help you www.joelosteen.com/site/PageServer?pagename=FullSchedule IF YOU'D LIKE TO RECEIVE A FREE DAILY POSITIVE MINUTE E-MAILED TO YOU EACH A.M. JUST GO TO LINK BELOW on www.hourofpower.org/email/about.html Things are going to get better and better every day. Prayers follow you to and through your surgery Friday with MANY blessed tomorrows to follow you there and beyond. I am in the process of writing these books. I have no idea how to market them once they are completed. But I do want to get the word out, especially to the larger corporations who have people such as my supervisor who gets ahead by trampling on others. Luckily for him I wasn't a land-mine, but there are many that exists, and eventually someone like will step on one.
I have written to the local HR people, and to a CEO and VP in France who is a US contact to warn him of the potentials that could possibly exist, and the fact that had I been someone else, or not mentally stable as my supervisor has tried to imply, things may have turned out differnlty for him. This is not a threat. I am just merely trying to open some eyes.
I also feel strongly that a huge percentage of domestic violence cases result from people like myself who cannot fit in at work, and/or society because of diversities, and they take it out on their loved ones. As horrible as this sounds, I sincerely believe I am on the right track. People tend to vent their frustrations at thier weakest points, or victims. Like a ruptured radiator hose on a car, the water spews from the weakest point. The affects are on the people who are in close proximity to this weak point. |
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August 19, 2005, 7:11 am PDT
Quote From: labelfree I am very proud of you! I am 41 I am glad you are going to get a through check up again..If you actually crave sweets you could be hyper glaicemic or hypo please check out webmd under diabetes sorry for my typos and that Neutron sorry for the Sp error could be the culprit too I was on that stuff a few years back truly like a big dose of that stuff and made me feel the same way you feel now! all twisted up inside TRULY! Now I am on a little baby dose of anti depressant effexor 37.5 and a mood stabilizer 100 mg topomax am 100 mg pm and zanax at bed wallah I am fine and I am NOT anyones frickin excuse my french Guinea pig!
You sure are right about the the pumping in your system part...
Did you send the letter already? If you didn't maybe you should think about hiring an attorney who will do it on a contingency basis.. 1/3 of the settlement if they really did you dirty let the attorney handle for you and don't show your hand to the guy in FRANCE punch in the face!
Thats laying the real ground work! Don't let them see it coming..Your exiting should be ground work enough..Any ground lawyer can make anything happen just on a consult!
If you have already filed "numerous with state! If supervisor has been bully GOD IS watching and you know and I know he doesn't NOT LIKE UGLY! I will absolutely keep you in my PRAYERS THIS AM>>>WE are fighting this fight together...OKAY!
What is the name I shall call you?
Oh by the way I will also pray for new wheels for you too!
Your sister in Christ! Label-free! I have been thinking seriosly about attainig an attorney, but I really cannot afford it. I am fighting one of the Largest corporations in the world. And these people on the local level have kept my health in such poor condition I have numerous complaints that have already exceeded the 180 days which is the statute of limitations by law to file a complaint according to the EEOC. Which I feel is very unfair in circumstances like mine.
I so still have some legitimate complaints that I think I will report to the EEOC, but tell Dr Phil he needs to hire me a lawer. I need help, bad. I know you can't really do this, but I have tried to handle things diplomatically and by company policy, to no avail.
I am going by my office to check my email there to see what the CEO and VP of this company has to say.
Thanks for your input, I need all the help I can get.
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August 20, 2005, 11:28 pm PDT
It's sad to see the death, pain and hunger in our world. It's hard to accept the number of people who suffer for various reasons. It's unacceptable to continue to allow the number of children who are abused. These things burden me in a profound way. My soul is darkened, my spirit is shaked, I get angry. Why is everything in this life that is supposed to be good is not? Why are frustrations, fear and anger a part of my life on almost a daily basis? Why do I feel guilty talking about my problems after seeing all the other problems in this world? Why can't I be whole, happy and content for once? I think I could help others if I were whole. Should I just shut up and go away? Is it possible that my pains and frustrations in life are so deep and intense that one cannot begin to understand? Is it possible for one to be cursed? Why is it that no matter how many people or organizations I contact I still get no answers? Why is my therapists telling me that she was almost speachless once she heard my whole story, almost in disbelif? She has never dealt with anyone who has had so many hardships in her life. Why is my psychiatrist telling me there's nothing else he can do for me? Why do I feel distant from people I should feel close to? Why is it such a terrible thing for one to chose to change the course of his or her own life? If there are answers, I have not found them. If there is real hope, I can't seem to see it. If there is a light at the end of the tunnel, then I must be blind. If life is happiness, then I must not be living. It's not like I started looking for answers yesterday. For more than fifteen years I have been pondering these thoughts. I keep hoping for change, for a miracle that's just around the corner, but it seems that every corner I have turned, I meet with yet another tragedy. I don't understand. The older I get the more confused I am. All of the efforts I put forth on a daily basis seem to have no rewards. I have always tried to help others, and put others first, especially my family. I sat on the roof of a house about 27 feet off the ground and pondered the way down for a long period of time on more than one occasion. I pondered parking my car going down the highway many times in a fashion that would require no breaks. I can't sleep because of certain frustrations. This is not new. I can't remember the last time I woke up and felt good, without pain, without frustrations, without fatigue. I can't remeber what true happiness feels like. I can't remember what hope is. I can't remember a day that I didn't feel ill in one way or another. We all come into this world in the same fashion. But we are NOT all created equally. People have mentioned that I should read certain books, I have serious problems reading; I can't focus. All's well that ends well. All will end.
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August 21, 2005, 5:00 am PDT
Quote From: labelfree A deep thinker after my own heart! Yes it is very sad to see everything you mentioned in your first sentence but what is so wonderful is there are very kind souls like yourself who do have compassion for this world. Yes your right again..Looking at this big vast world it is hard to accept..Truly that is where GOD comes in and YOUR PRAYERS they do work TRUST me..Your talking my language regarding the children and the being abused. You see I was one of them...Were you? If you were did you know (we have a special place here on the Dr. Phil board and if you want Ill tell you where)
Profound way? Like sunburn all the time on the inside and outside of your body maybe?
Your soul darked? No I see it as VERY BRIGHT and just about to get brighter! Shaken YES! ANGERED! How about Raged! Life will be good I promise I promise....
All those emotions are a process you are going thru TRUST ME....All will be revealed... WHOLE and Happiness is RIGHT around the corner your SOOOOOOOOOOOOO close.....
If you shut up then you don't get the prize! YOU!
Oh you will understand it believe me....you already do....Its just covered up by years of BS..there is a way out TRUST ME....TRUST ME...Takes One to Know one....
YOU ARE NOT CURSED...REPEAT YOU ARE NOT CURSED
PEOPLE WILL NOT GIVE YOU ANSWERS BECAUSE THEY ARE LOOKING FOR $$$$ OR INSURANCE we are NOT!
YOUR THERAPIST IS CLUELESS.......BUY DR>Phil's BOOK LIFE STRATEGIES it saved my LIFE even though you might have to order it here if you cant find it in book store if your way out in the country....
SHRINK said that because NOW you have to start work from the inside out!
Do what I said then you will start to feel better.....Get going I am here for you my new pal! You know, there are two forces that in effect control the universe, positive and negative. While training in computer programming I learned that this is the basis of how computers work. It like millions of switches that are grouped and wired by circuits, and depending on the position of each switch, whether it is on or off, from that results the output of the computer.
The earth functions off of two huge magnetic fields, the North and South Poles, which allows life on earth. A battery, electric circuits in your home, appliances, etc all are based on the + or -; everything that we see, touch or know of operates this way essentially.
It seems that I am bouncing the negative, and you are receivng it and converting it to a positive. What a job. But that's how it works.
I have slept about 3 hours max. I am tired and want to go to bed soon, but there is so much bouncing around in my head, I'm not sure what to do.
Thanks again, and God Bless |
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August 21, 2005, 6:12 pm PDT
Quote From: beachsmile By the way, what you said about the negatives and positives is fascinating. Are your books written on paper or still bouncing around in your head? I was thinking those books of yours are wanting to be born... Lack of sleep can cause rasing thoughts too...it is like you are sleep walking in REM sleep so be sure and get needed rest... Require of yourself to take good care of yourself (sleep etc.) for you and that lovely wife and family of yours. You are slowing down now and feeling very relaxed because you know that everything is going to be okay because things have a way of working out. Have a VERY blessed week. font color=navyblue size=2> DESTINATION POWER OF CHOICE "Turning negatives into positives" I found a large bag a sadness While packing for my trip into today With another larger bag of stress Weighting down my shoulders heavily I didn't want to forget my pains Hurts and disappointments bags Nor could I leave my regrets I'd packed In Would've, Could've, Should've bags While looking in the closets of my life I saw luggage from every season past Smiles and frowns and grins and strife Worn while starring actress in my past Every tear I'd shed inside a bag the color blue So I could unpack the teardrops whenever I wanted to An angel came and said, "Let God carry those for you" Just let go and let God and the rest is up to you No longer lugging baggage such a relief came over me No longer unpacking moods that did not fit today The sky was blue and all the birds were on a singing spree No more unpacking for pity parties...those ended yesterday The books are basically in my head, but I have started writing them on the computer in the past few weeks. There are so many issues do be dealt with in this life, and it takes individuals to make up groups. Sharing ideas and thoughts can open one's mind to a wealth of information that can be beneficial in many ways. My intentions are to help others, although I go thru these forceful periods of depression and many epidoes of suicidal thoughts, I want to fight the fight when I am able. I would say 2/3 of my time is spent in the dark side of thinking, but once I bounce back for a brief period I go head-strong.
I was a minister for a few years when I was younger, but that ended for some reason. My ministry now is to put new thouhgts and Ideas in peoples minds, and to reach people in a way that is unprecedented. I want to reach the young men in the terroists groups who have loved ones they are leaving behind when they commit themselves to the suicide bombings, and try to share with them that we are the same. And that if they were here, and we sat down face to face we would find common interests, and one being the inherent nature of mankind to love a care for oneanother.
Just like many other wars, take WWII for instance, my father fought in the Phillipin Islands against an enemy that had the same fears, concerns, desires and feelings as he did. My father never fully recovered from the affects of the war. I am the youngest of seven children, I am 45 now, my father passed away in 2000 a the age of 82. When I was in high school I met an exchange student from Japan who became a very good friend of mine. I didn't have any second thouhts about bringing him into my parent's home as a visitor and a friend. After the first visit, my father was shocked that I had invited this individual into our home. But he was also very kind and hospitable and welcome to the young man who my father later said that it was good to see the changes between us and Japan after the war, and that he could coneive in his heart compassion and a connection to this young man as he had nothing to do with the war anymore than I.
I have watched on the History channel veterans who are still living who meet to commemerate the casualties of the war. And it brings tears to my eyes to see these men, who once fought against each other in a horrible war of needless pain, suffering and deaths, hugging each other and crying. How beautiful is that?
The moral to this story is that why have enemies, when we can have friends all over this world. Why do people need to continue to suffer, when all of these men fighting, regardless of whose side they are on are all GOD's children. And if they could read each other's minds I firmly believe that each and everyone way say, hey, I never knew you had compassion for me, or I can see that you don't really want to take my life.
There's so much to be said and done. I am not making any political statements one way or the other about my opinions of our current participation in any wars, just that I think we could all be friends if we could only COMMUNICATE! And as silly and far-fetched as it sounds, I am writing songs and working on speaches to these affects.
Let each one of us open our hearts to forgivenss and compassion to our "enimies" and let's sing a song to the whole world that we love everyone regardless of thier race, beliefs, etc. Let's sing it loud and clear. Let's try to touch eveyone by the energy of our souls, and if you meditate for a moment or two, you will feel the energy I have transfered thru this message. You should have felt this even in the first paragraph. It's a radiation of energy that is transmitted thru meditation and certain powers vested in certain individuals.
Reach out, breathe, and feel the energy filed that is flooded with the positive things and good of this world. This is something like you have never experienced. Place your hand on the screen for a moment, take deep breaths, and close your mind to ALL thoughts, the energy will be passed on to you. This isn't a gimic or hoax, it's spiritual. I think Dr. Phil will feel this force as well. I am not looking for fame or recognition, just being guided by THE SPIRIT as THE SPIRIT speaks to me.
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August 22, 2005, 3:39 pm PDT
Quote From: dianevj I love your poems, and just a little something to add to other's who may stop by.
This is something from "Pathways to Peace", one of the important things to remember is patience.
"Patience" -" Never think that God's delays, are God's denials. Hold on, hold fast, hold out. Patience is genius." Comte Georges Louis Leclerc de Buffon I am really struggling right now, I am on the downswing pretty hard, drastic. As far as my typos, which are many, I am not too concerned about this myself. I appreciate everyone who has prayed for me, and althogh I may not post a reply to very many of the messages, I am meditating and praying for all of you. My strength is on the low side, I still commision THE SPIRIT to touch you, EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU.
THE SPIRIT is real, and divine. I am being tried and I am freely passing it on to you. It's like taking the charge out of a battery (me), and transfering the energy to you and I must recharge. I would like to correspond as much as possible, but there are times when I have to rest, I will be back.
You must meditate, clear your thoughts, and breathe.
You must receive the strength from this site and be healed.
Thanks for you prayers. Don't hesitate to drop me a line, I will be checking in periodically.
My body and mind are drained, I'm sure I am not making much sense.
I won't waste anymore of your time. But I will reply, in time. I must rest now.
GOD Bless all of his childern, for we are all his. |
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