Messages By: djmatt

Please pass this on to Lillian as well.   

Meditation has been a part of man kinds spiritual and cultural practices for ages, regardless of religion or region. I do not consider myself to be an expert on this subject but I have been practicing this for 30 years. I started as a teenager from reading martial arts magazines, and from some of my religious teachings. I was a teacher in the churches before I went into the ministry.   

The basics of meditation are breathing and clearing one's mind. The purpose is to induce healing power to one's body, soul and spirit. The benefits can be remarkable if practiced in sincerity. This is one of the major sources of my ongoing struggle against depression. What we have learned, or taught ourselves about fear and anxieties can be undone, relearned thru meditation.   

It is taught by the medical community as well as the cultural and spiritual communities.   

I have various forms of meditation. At first I had to have total quietness, no noise what so ever. No distractions. That is the best way to begin.   

In Tai Chi, for instance, the meditation is done in a similar fashion, but also they teach movements, which are called forms in martial arts, that are fluid, slow and you are taught to breathe with each movement. Once these movements become familiar and you can do them without thinking about it, and you have achieved the practice of breathing in the same manner, you are in a state of meditation.   

For starters I would find a quiet area that you are comfortable in, whether the outdoors, or your favorite room in your home. Remember it will take some practice, but will come naturally soon enough. I will give you a couple of forms to use and choose which is best for you.  

One, from the martial arts community is to sit, on the floor or ground with your legs crossed and close to your body, your hands will rest on your legs with palms facing up. Be sure to keep your posture straight as possible. Imagine a string attached to the top of your head pulling upward, and your shoulders back.   

I recommend breathing in thru your nose, and out thru your mouth, this works best for me and is the most popular method. Don't set a timer, just breathe in and out, with your eyes closed and try to clear your mind of ALL thoughts. This is possible, believe me. You actually go into a state that is almost and similar to the light stages of sleep. I recommend about 15 minutes for starters, and progress up to about 30 minutes. Daily is good, but two or three times a week is beneficial.   

Long term, this will relive stress and lower blood pressure, and gives one a sense of control and tranquility.   

Another method involves the same procedures, except placing your hand, or hands on something that had very strong or spiritual meanings to you. For some this would be a Bible. But the object would need to be in a position or location that allows you to remove any tenseness from your muscles, so you will not be distracted by having your arm tire.  

In the medical teachings they advise that you tighten your muscles after breathing in, holding your breathe for about 3 to 5 seconds, and then relaxing. This can prove beneficial if you are feeling really tense in your muscles. This would be similar to the Tai Chi movements, or “forms”, as this increases blood flow throughout your body. I will try to locate some web sites with free downloadable videos of some of the basics.  

You can stand to meditate as well, though this sounds contradictory to teachings. But when I do this I have the tendency to move. You can stand with your feet about shoulder width apart. Follow the other previous instructions. But when you breathe in, ball your fists, then extend your arms straight in front of you as you exhale, slowly, and twisting your wrists as if you are punching something until your arms are fully extended, and top of your hands are facing up. When you inhale, slowly bring your fists to your chest with palm side facing your, still with the balled fist, and touching your chest.   

Then let go of the fists and allow your arms to slowly swing downward all in one motion as you exhale. Then repeat the process.  

You can be creative and go thru various body movements that feel good to you.   

I think you will find the form that best works for you, and find that it will be most beneficial.  

Just to give you an idea of the power of meditation, and THE SPIRIT, which some people make jokes about, it’s called chi, or from Star Wars, The Force. It all has true meaning, maybe not to the degree of The Force, but similar in results. When I was in high school and studying the martial arts on my own, I happened upon a friend who was an exchange student from Japan. I mentioned him in an earlier post. In Japan, they learn Karate, which means Hand. Tai Chi means push. But I shocked my friend from Japan by breaking non conventional objects such as 2x4’s, bricks, etc. Since I had never had any formal training.  

He trained me for a while in Karate. Later, I was in enrolled in Tae Kwon Do, which refers to kicking and punching, and as a white belt, I challenged my instructor, who was not the head instructor, to a board breaking challenge. He was a brown belt, and I defeated him by breaking five boards with my fist. This is just an example of the power of chi and meditation. You can not only channel energy to one part of your body, as I learned to do, but to your mind, and to your whole body which allows your heart, and other vital organs to function more properly, and thus prolongs life and in a sense, one heals oneself.  

I have rambled enough. Keep it simple, clear your mind, and breathe. It’s a fascinating experience.  

GOD bless.  

Just wanted to say hello and thank you for all of your support, friendship and prayers. 

Keep in mind that this life is but a fleeting moment, and the ones you touch does not go unnoticed. 

Take care. 

I am fairly new here, but feel right at home.  A wonderful group of people who are willing to help, share, pray and extend their deepest feelings of warmth and love. 

My depression has been an ongoing event for most of my life.  At the age of 45, now, the past fifteen years have been extremely tough. 

Just to share something that may some similarities to your experience, I had ECT about 7 or years ago for my depression, which didn't help me at all.  As a matter of fact, it made things worse.  I lost total memory of days prior to the treatments and was in a world of confusin.  I also lost memory of life's events from my childhood forward to the treatments, and my memory after the treatments was drastically affected as well.   

I started experiencing tiny bits and pieces of information from my brain about my past that I wasn't sure was reality or not.  Bit by bit these flash backs continued coming to me like someone was throwing pieces of a huge puzzles towards me, and I could only get a glimpse when another one came my way. This was horrifying  I would repeat things to people over and over without realizing it.  I have never told anyone of some of the experiences I've had.  These episodes of "fragmental flashbacks" were so horrible, and came so often, I would be taken back and could not distinguish reality.  By the way, I was put under anesthesia for each of the 8 or 10 treatments and I think this may have contributed as well. 

I do not feel I have ever fully recovered.  But the depression was gone.  It still remains today, and I fight it daily like it's a real battle with a real person.  But I think in your case, the set of circumstances could have triggered a depressed state while your mind is healing itself. I am not a doctor.  I do have my opionions based on experience. 

If you haven't done this already, try spending more time in the sunshine, or in a brighter environment.  Also call up a friend to come over and open some photo albums, have some laughs.  This is always healing.  Also, read my topic on meditation and see if you think it may be beneficial to you.   

Although I have struggled with depression everyday of my life for the last fifteen plus years, I fully intend to do all that I can to help others.  I hope may a little ray of sunshine will brighten your day.  God Bless.  And if you dare, close your eyes for a moment and touch your computer screen.  Feel the SPIRIT.   

What is the void all about?  I should hope that you know I am concerned and do care.  I am not in here just to complain about my own problems.  I have felt that void on numerous occasions, and it's hard to fill.  What are you doing for you?  It seems you are a caretaker on more than one way.  You have sincere compassion for others,and you have really stated me thinking about a lot of things.  You seem to be well educated, which I am not, and maybe an influential person in your community. 

I appreciate your prayers, and I believe that prayers are answered.  It's amamzing to me that you are concerned about me and that means a lot to me.   I'm sure something will get worked out, althouh I cannot see it at this moment, I am certain the wheels will come, one way or the other. 

I have enjoyed swimming as well for the earlier part of my life. I don't have the access to a swimming pool, other than a small above-ground pool.  But I took lessons from the time I was five years of age until I was about thirteen.  I really enjoyed it, and think it would be really beneficial for my body, with the Fibromyalgia.  And I think most of use have swam in our birthday suits, I know I have. 

I see more of you now than before.  Just be assured that my prayers go out to you as well, and again, I really do sincerely appreciate your prayers. 

I hope that maybe I have touched someone during my brief stay at this message board.  However I have determined that I most move on.  I really don't feel that I have much to offer here.  I have received prayers and support from many of you, which I do appreciate very much. 

I keep getting deeper in debt, deeper in depression, and more frustrated everyday.  I guess I am giving up my cause here at this time.  My objective was to get some answers and to try to help others.  But after careful consideration I have determined that I just don't belong here.  

I am fighting a losing battle in my life.  I am sinking fast financially, since I have been out of work for several months due to my depression and the neck injury.  I have gotten involved in business ventures that I cannot follow thru on because of my conditions.   

I am afraid of losing our home and land, and there is still no vehicle for me to drive.  I am tired of the struggle and the fights, which seem to drain me even more.  I am totally overwhelmed by all of this and have made some bad decisions.  I have tried very hard, but have been almost totally incapacitated for the past few months.   

I have sought help from numerous resources to no avail.  I am still struggling with the daily bought with depression and there is only so much one can take.  I would not be in these other situations had it not been for my illnesses.   

This is all totally irrelevant.  I am weak and wary, tired and frustrated.  I haven't the energy to fight.  I have fought hard over the years and kept my chin up for a long time, thru thick and thin.  I am not fishing for sympathy, just explaining. 

This marks yet another turning point in my life.  I haven't the patience or energy to continue working on my books.  I haven't the energy to go back to work to the same hell hole.  I'm tired of crying, tired of losing.  Eventually, enough is enough.  I don't know where to go from here.  I don;t know what I will do.  I don't have a plan anymore.  I'm just burned out, and defeated. 

GOD BLESS.  

Thanks for all of the replies, I just had to return to post this message.  Besides having two horrible days of driving to Atlanta and back to LaGrange to try to repair my son's car, I am very frustrated that I have spent hours and hours working on vehicles and never seem to have the correct tools, or parts.  They money just isn't there to have his car towed home.  I am so frustrated, I had to drive my piece of junk twice with the transmission knocking and jerking and grinding, not to metion it is just falling apart piece by piece.  I am surprised my car made it up there and back two days in a row.  

I am so tired and aggravated, why me.  I am still in pain from the neck surgery, but trying to help my son, in the pouring rain today, just to find a major engine problem with his car after numerous hours of efforts.  What a wonderful and  

happy FU%$#@G life.  I despise working on cars, especially when I can't afford to do it right.  DOES any body really give a crap.    

I get so sick I have to take my Neurontin, eat, and wait about an hour before my mind or body can even function.  I feel like a total reject born to suffer and lose.    I keep begging my son to do well for himself, and my two girls as well.  It's tough feeling 95 years old and I am only 45.  Why me lord. My wife doesn't even know who I am anymore, that makes two of us.  This world is so screwed up; you get sick, get behind on bills, and you are punished by paying higher interest rates. etc.  

My finances consist of  A house payment, a car payment for my wife, a truck in my name that my daughter is making payments on and helping me ruin my credit, 2 small credit cards, about 1200.00.  And the usual stuff, the necesssities.  I can't make it.  I just can't make it.  ANd spending two days in Atlanta working on my son's car which is broke down there, to no avail.  I AM SO FRUSTRATED.  

Been a while since I have been here. I think society would be satisfied to just throw us away. I believe that they look at us as weak and non-productive parts of our society as whole. I believe that they look at us as a disease, a cancer that won’t go away and we are making the rest of them look bad.  

I believe the judicial system, the legislative and executive branches of our government, along with society see us as hypochondriacs, without a cause or place in this society. I believe that the medical community see us as a burden and a waste of taxpayers money.   

I believe the corporate world sees us as a menace and if they happen to find one of us in their presence, they have shamed their company, stockholders, and burdened our peers and management.  

I feel that I am a misfit in this world and to hell with the rest of them. I have suffered enough. They us a easy prey and take advantage, and the laws of our land don’t do enough to protect us. We are the stigma of behind closed door discussions.   

The judicial system does not have a clue as to the seriousness and controlling force behind mental illnesses. They twist things to meet their needs, and don’t consider where society has failed to prevent individuals with these illnesses from losing control and committing various crimes. Here is how the process basically works;  

In this scenario one realizes that one has abnormal thinking patterns and behaviors but early on they are afraid to ask: 1. IS THIS NORMAL TO FEEL THIS WAY. 2. THEY ARE ASHAMED TO ASK ANYONE BECAUSE THEY FEEK INFERIOR.   

Eventually one realizes that their mode of thinking is not normal, and they have to decide if they are going to seek medical attention and make their families ASHAMED, or try to hide it, and hold it in as long as possible hoping they can somehow cope with it, or maybe it will just go away.  

Time passes them by and they eventually realize that this isn’t going away, it’s getting worse. And now they are so ashamed and paranoid they dare not admit a weakness to their spouse even though the spouse is already aware something is wrong; coworkers who have already started throwing eggs, poking fun and bullying the afflicted one, but one cannot defend one’s self because the condition has only gotten worse. Their work performance has decreased, they have become secluded and avoid social situations. And now they really look like a FREAK to others.  

Like myself, many are harassed, discriminated against, or even fired from their jobs.   

It’s all because no one understands.  

One finally either seeks medical treatment, which may or may not help.   

One sacrifices one’s career against their will.  

One becomes defeated and becomes a failure and thru all of this they have suffered tremendously.  

Some may respond to treatment and be fortunate enough to regain employment and be accepted once again in society.  

Others may turn to drug and alcohol abuse to try and ease the pain.  

Others may eventually become violent and abusive to family members.  

And there are the few who lose total control and take out their anger and frustrations in a very violent nature such as rape, homicides, and some may resort to killing sprees and committing suicide in the end.  

And there are those who hold it in as long as they can, and eventually the pain is too much. They sit there and cry. They have mixed emotions but realize that our society is NOT properly educated, accommodating and understanding enough to understand their problems and they see no way out but to commit suicide.  

I believe that there is a stigma even in out government, our medical communities and even religious communities relating to mental illnesses. And until someone steps up to the plate and puts together a plain and simple plan to educate our society, and to provide work environments and social environments comfortable enough for the mentally ill I believe that the crimes and suicides associated with mental illnesses will continue to escalate.   

I believe the medical community alone cannot solve this problem. It is a much greater monster than we can visualize.   

It’s like saying we are going to build a mega structure, a bridge 6 miles long over a river, and we are going to hire a ready mix supplier to Engineer, design, lay out, run all applicable tests for bedrock, design and supply and install all aspects of the bridge and have the notion that this is a workable plan. It takes much, much more to build a bridge that just the concrete supplier. It takes engineers, laborers, crane operators, inspectors, architects, other materials suppliers for materials such as steel, cables, electrical wiring and components. It takes many specialties and suppliers to make this structure perform as it should.  

In my opinion, it takes much more than doctors and medications to effectively combat these mental disorders.   

Uproot the weeds and they will go away. Find the source of mental illnesses, eliminate them, and live in a more peaceful and positive environment.  

I can't take it...the road has been more  challenging that I ever imagined. The pain immense.  The FRUSTRATIONS in life, unfair.  My existence has no meaning. I have tried and tried over the years,  I have made numerous contacts.  I see a psychiatrist on a regular basis.  I go from site to site and read as much as I can, I struggle to read and comprehend. I give all my love and compassion to my lovely wife and wonderful children and grandson.  I seek search, ask, beg, plead, and to no avail. 

It's just a fantasy to think I can really lead a productive and happy life.  On the road to self destruction with the cigaretts, stress, lack of normalcy, lack of a lot of things I consider essentials, personal and private matters beyond the depression that the doctors tell me they have no answers for. The obsessive thinking, the total lack of anything except for mere existince.   

Is this life?  Is this hell?  Am I being punished?  What more is there?   

No one seems to have any answers.  There are answers, but our country and society doesn't have tiem for me.  This walk I call life is hard,  the walk takes me nowhere, it;s torture, pain and all routes are dead ends. 

ANother dead end ahead.......peace will come soon enough.  It;s what I feel.  I can;t help what I feel.  The hopes turn to fears, the dreams to nightmares,the light to darkness, the comfort to lonliness, so deep and empty, life turns to choices, the choices are driven by my mind, I have no control.   

So what's next?  Nothing! 

To everyone, I appreciate your concern and support.  

I will talk to my doctor about the financial situation and see what he will do.  I didn't know this until I read your earlier email. 

I'm trying to hang in here.  I have two more vehicles down, my son's car, which I went to Atlanta in my daughter's truck to tow it back to LaGrange, then the truck broke down on the way back. 

The extra exhertions, working on these vehicles I believe is contributing to the pain. But I can tell the surgery did help.  I have to be more careful.  I'm just very tired, frustrated and broke.  Sorry to complain.  I couldn't get off the floor today until about 3:00 pm, after I broke down and used one of my pain patches.  The doctor's Rx. Utram doesn't help this kind of pain.   

Things will improve, hopefully. I have the references that you all have given me, and the staff here in case I feel like I can't make it.  Thanks to everyone.  

I sat down one night about a week or so ago and wrote a suicide note and cried.  I didn't know what I was going to do, whether or not I would go thru with it.  I threw it away today.  I am really trying hard. I have had so many friends who have let me down, and a family member who were going to help me with a project to try to make a little extra money.  They have all let me down and now I look like a fool after pouring about 1000.00 into this project, and no way to complete it. 

I would not have made the agreements and invested the money had some of these people had not insisted they would help me, several of them.  Here I sit, everyone has an excuse, and I am aout of a grand I didn't have to spend in the first place. 

This is my life's story.  Sorry all.  Something has to change, and soon.  I can't deal with all of this.  I don't eat many times because I don't have the energy to cook, or to go to the grocery store.  So I take pills and sleep.  Or do without until I can't stand it anymore. 

Again, I am sorry to complain, and I appreciate the support all of you have given me. 

To everyone, I appreciate your concern and support.  

I'm trying to hang in here.  I have two more vehicles down, my son's car, which I went to Atlanta in my daughter's truck to tow it back to LaGrange, then the truck broke down on the way back. 

The extra exhertions, working on these vehicles I believe is contributing to the pain. But I can tell the surgery did help.  I have to be more careful.  I'm just very tired, frustrated and broke.  Sorry to complain.  I couldn't get off the floor today until about 3:00 pm, after I broke down and used one of my pain patches.  The doctor's Rx. Utram doesn't help this kind of pain.   

Things will improve, hopefully. I have the references that you all have given me, and the staff here in case I feel like I can't make it.  Thanks to everyone.  

I sat down one night about a week or so ago and wrote a suicide note and cried.  I didn't know what I was going to do, whether or not I would go thru with it.  I threw it away today.  I am really trying hard. I have had so many friends who have let me down, and a family member who were going to help me with a project to try to make a little extra money.  They have all let me down and now I look like a fool after pouring about 1000.00 into this project, and no way to complete it. 

I would not have made the agreements and invested the money had some of these people had not insisted they would help me, several of them.  Here I sit, everyone has an excuse, and I am aout of a grand I didn't have to spend in the first place. 

This is my life's story.  Sorry all.  Something has to change, and soon.  I can't deal with all of this.  I don't eat many times because I don't have the energy to cook, or to go to the grocery store.  So I take pills and sleep.  Or do without until I can't stand it anymore. 

Again, I am sorry to complain, and I appreciate the support all of you have given me.