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Messages By: emma08
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March 31, 2006, 9:09 am PST
 Hi, I need help so bad. I yell, scream, curse, shout and feel like I'm going crazy all the time and I don't know why or who to talk to or who to see. I feel no one is willing to help and that i'm all alone. All my life I've been depressed about something. Either my weight, my emotional problems, my family problems, just life in general made me depressed. I was teased all my life, told I was fat, stupid, ugly and that I would never amount to anything and its come true. I was phyiscally, emotionally, and mentally abused by my family, peers and even some who didn't even know me. I was also sexually abuse by a man who lived across the alleyway of my childhood home for nearly 5 years as a child and nothing was ever done to him. So from all of my childhood drama has made me not very strong person mentally and I tend to blow up and take my anger and resentment out on myself or my children and husband. I never been to a doctor for my problems, I'm too scared. I never talk directly to someone and the few I've asked for help, have not helped, including here at Dr. Phil and even Oprah. I guess I don't deserve help or treatment for whatever is wrong with me. I've had my one and just run in with the law when I was 20 and so has my husband, but we've paid for our mistakes and deserve to be treated like everyone else, but we're not and is probally why they won't help. Who wants to help a felon, right? Plus, I'm on welfare, I don't have a car or money, my family and I live day by day and we get by. All my life I was treated like s*** so I'm use to it. I hated myself back then and I opened my heart up to easily and that led me to get hurt even more and also led me to slicing my wrist at the age of 18, but not bad enough to need sticthies. I used to think about killing myself and how I could do it, where I would have the bottle of pills in my hand or the razor, but I wasn't even strong enough to do that. I haven't had any thought of that for a very long time and am so thankful, but I know that I need help before it starts again. Do I have Bi-Polar? I don't know, but I really wish I could find out through a realiable source. I'm scared to talk to my doctor because one, they already look down upon me because I'm on medicaid and they don't don't really get down to the problem, they just try and mask it with medication. I told her that I've been feeling depressed and I've been having chest pain/heart palpatations and like I said instead of looking into it further she put me on medication, medication that hasn't helped me, like Wellbutrin XL, which is what my doctor put me on because she said that I have "anxiety" and it would help me lose weight, well it hasn't helped and she also put me on Metoprolol to help regulate my blood for my irregular heartbeat and that too hasn't helped and I still get heart palpations and I also get a rapid heartbeat sometimes as well. I feel like I'm going to die of a heart attack or stroke or something like that all the time and I'm scared to death and so worried. Please I'm a 28 year-old wife and mother of 3 young children and I don't want to be misdiognosed and have my children taken away from me or end up dying and leaving them without a mother. I'm soooooo scared, can someone please give me a word of advice on what I can do and some encouragement, I need it so bad. Please I'm crying out for help, but no one hears me. Patti. |
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April 1, 2006, 2:21 am PST
Quote From: mensan You're just spinning your wheels and not getting anywhere. And you won't until you take positive steps to get yourself out of the quagmire you are in. The first thing you need to do is get diagnosed. None of us here can tell you if are depressed or bipolar. Only a psychiatrist who talks with you, observes you, and takes a history from you can do that. You need to go to your county mental health clinic and get started on the road of feeling better. Why don't you read some of the entries here on the board and you will find that you are not alone. We have people here who are in all phases of recovery, but we are all trying to get better.
Medication does not "mask" a problem, the right medication will give you control over your moods and therefore over your actions. Getting the right medication can mean a long road of trying different medications until you hit on the right combination for you. It can be frustrating, but it is worth it to reach the peace you deserve. Please try. And let us know on the board how you are doing. You will find that we care. But how? I tell my doctor and I feel like she don't hear me or understand me. She told me that I have anxiety and that is what's causing my symptoms. But the med's she's given hasn't help, I feel no different? I feel like she rather push med's then really get to the root of my problem. And don't get me wrong, I believe med's do work and I'm all for trying out new one's, but when your doctor really don't listen or look further in when asked, it's kinda hard to open up. I'm just so confused and need help so badly. |
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April 1, 2006, 2:33 am PST
Quote From: mommiebot I had this thing called Premature Atrial Contractions, they made my heartbeat feel like it was skipping. Also it made me feel like there was pressure in my lungs and I needed to cough. The blood was backing up in the other chambers or something. Any way now that I am calmer I don't have them hardly at all. I was on meds for depression for years off and on, but It never quite did the trick. I still felt like blowing up over stuff. A mood stabilizer, seroquel, was introduced in February and I am so much more in control and have a better view from in here. I was extremely negative and harsh. My blood pressure was 144 over 115 then when it used to be 120 over 80. Now it's coming back down, 130 over 90 . I hope it lasts.
Ask about that and tell your doc., maybe if you felt better you wouldn't need to be dependent on Medicaid. The big jerks. Maybe your heart and bpressure would regulate like mine seems to have. Just don't give up. Make them hear you. Be a wet rash on their behind until they listen.Things can get better.
Vent anytime we all understand, Leslie Thank for your reply. My friend told me about Premature Atrial Contractions just the other day, but I haven't spoken to my doctor yet. Sometimes, it feels like my heart quivers and about a week ago my heart began to beat fast and it lasted for about 10 minutes, I didn't know what was happening and I got so scared. It finally went away but when I went to bed all I kept thinking about was going to bed and not waking up, it was just a horrible night. My BP has always been normal, usually 121 over 80 something, it only gotten high when I was pregnant and when I was sick. My doctor put me on Wellburtrin XL for anxiety, but it hasn't helped. I don't know how to talk to her without feeling scared or that she think I'm an unfit mom or something like that. it's just so hard dealing with all this, I just wish it would go away and let me live my life. Thanks again for listening.
Patti |
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April 2, 2006, 8:18 pm PDT
Quote From: mommiebot Why do they do that? Do they hear so many whiny, please -give-me-pills patients that they just stop listening to everyone? I don't want pills. I want to know if it is physical first. The Adrenal glands on top of the kidneys produce a lot of hormones, some affect heart rhythm,rate. Others like adrenalin and cortisol have to do with stress reaction and mood and metabolism. I have told my doctors that I have a "rock" in my left kidney when pressed, and sometimes it throbs and hurts to the point I get nauseated. And what hormones do they continue to test? My THYROID! It's like ,if it isn't your thyroid , you need a shrink. They wont even check for kidney stones. Crap I'd be afraid to go in for hemorrhoid removal, you'd probable get your foot amputated.
I'm just going to keep complaining about it maybe one of my docs will hear me eventually. Either that or I'm going to exaggerate a little and hit the ER next time it happens.
Try to have a good day. Leslie OMG isn't that the truth! I tell ya, it really scares me to think that about my doctor, especially when it's about my heart. My dad died of a massive heart attack at 66 and he also had a heart attack in his 30's, so heart problems run in my family and so does high BP, my mom has serevere high blood pressure. I wish I knew how to get through and be heard. Thanks again for listening and replying, it truly, truly means a lot. Have a wonderful day and remember, when one door closes, God always opens a window.
Best Regards, Patti |
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April 2, 2006, 8:44 pm PDT
Quote From: rhondapat Hi Patti
I read your post and because it sounds so much like me...it scares me. I get the emotional pain...because it floods back.
One thing you have to be able to express what's going on to your doctor...and when you are in there...they hear what it is at that moment. I understand what you are saying all to well. My suggestion is to copy your post and take this to the doctor.
Also, the doctors are not supposed to care how they get paid and I have not met one yet. That could be how your feeling and you are reflecting your feelings to them. However, if it is really true there are avenues to make a complaint about the services...also you have the choice to select another doctor. You would have to go through the social service office to do that...but it can be done.
Okay...you ask if you have bipolar...we are not physicians here...but there seems to be familiarity to your symptoms...but, these symptoms can also be a reflection of other diagnosis's...such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
I am on Wellbutrin (it doesn't help me to lose weight). But, I also am on a combination of medications. Wellbutrin, celexa, buspar, & lamicital. You may need more than one med. It also sounds as though you need to go through a coping skills group therapy session and have help in dealing with your childhood abuse (trauma).
You are where I was at the age of 28...I am now 48. I see your pain, feel your pain...it's my pain. You have to work hard to have some "normalcy" in your life. I believe I see paranoia in what you write...that's why I say to really look at the doctor...they should be your advocate to improve your mental health. Expressing myself at that age...you put it in words better than I could. And maybe you are like me...I can write how I feel better than saying it. That's why you should print out what you feel and diary it.
There's a lot of good support on this board...do remember we are people who've been through a lot of what you are going through. Talking to others, writing...does help. You can do it.
Chat with you later. Rhonda Hi Rhonda, thanks for replying. It's been a very tough road for me and I'm only 28. I've been used, abused, thrown out, put down, turned down and even homeless. I was a single mom with no education who only could find work in the food industry or retail. I used drugs and alcohol for comfort and to mask my pain and I didn't respect myself. In these past 4 years, my life has change so much for the good. I've gone back to school to get my GED and now a part-time nursing student. I married a man that loves me for me, past and all, who is also the best father my children never had. I've been clean & sober for the past 4 years. And for once, I own my own home, it may not be the best home, but it's mine and of course my husbands'. I learned to love myself and to be a better mom, but my past resentment and regression is tearing my world apart and so is the stress of not getting the proper help and the feeling of not being good enough. I fear I'm putting my kids through what I've been through, which was a life filled with emotional problems, family problems and proverty. I can't help but wonder if I deserve to be a mother and if I'm bringing my family down with me. I'm just so confused and frustrated and I feel like giving up, but I've come too far to give up, but it's soo hard. Thanks for listening, it really helps me and means so much.
God Bless, Patti |
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April 2, 2006, 10:12 pm PDT
Quote From: mensan But are you going to a psychiatrist? If you think you are bipolar that's who you need to consult. Also, a psychiatrist is much more qualified to deal with depression. As I've told you, one med may not even be close to a real try. I had to try many before i got the one that helped me, and Rhonda, who has just found the right one,also tried many. Don't give up so easily. Try your mental health clinic, get a definitive diagnosis, and try meds until you get the right one. yes, it's a tremendous hassle, or you could hit the right one immediately, but it is worth it. I know how you feel, have been there, as we all have, but you can get better, we are proof of it. But you have to work at it. Keep trying. No I'm not seeing a psychiatrist. My insurance does not cover that. I would have to pay out-of-pocket and I just can not afford that. It's hard to not give up when all options are gone. I have nothing but my family and the clothes on our back. We live day by day, pay check by pay check, it's hard, but we're getting by with what we've got. It's so hard not having a car where we live because we have no public transportation, like buses, trains, cabs, etc... Excuse my french but if you don't have a car here, you're up s***'s creek without a paddle. I have no family here except my husbands and they do what they can for us. And I hardly have any friends except one, but she lives about 20 miles away and has here own family to worry about. I have no way of being able to get out and go to support groups, meet people and talk to people face to face who's in my shoes or been there done that. Not only I'm I struggling with my past, but the present day is not making it any easier. I was told I had anxiety and an irregular heartbeat and that's about it. I have mood swings, I get headaches, chest pains/palpatations, pain in my arm's, back pain, I even started having irregular periods, went to a doctor for that too and found nothing. I just feel my life is falling apart and that I will be forever stuck in this nightmare. I know that I need help and that is why I've writen into Dr. Phil, literally begging him to help, with no avail. It just not meant for me to get professinal help. However, getting posts from people like you, brightens up my day and help me cope, even if it's for a little while. Thanks for your thoughtfulness, Patti |
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April 2, 2006, 10:31 pm PDT
Quote From: felkins4
I have been so very depressed for the last few weeks. I have been sick for the last three months as well as broke my right foot six weeks ago. I really wish I would go manic just so I could Cheer up. I have been stucked in the house for most of those last three months because of my being sick. Another holiday is coming up and that is not helping with my depression. I miss three of the four of my four children and their families. I also know I am on my pity pot right now and that is not doing me any good, I am out of my Effector XR 375 mg a day and that is not good but I don't have the money to get it right now.
I have written Dr. Phil many times hoping for him to have my children and me on his show to get help for our family's relationship. I feel he could really help all of us as well as I would love to get to go to the mental center he talks about many times on his shows.
So Dr. Phil, I hope you get to read this message and will help us.
Bipolar Mom in Hiram, GA Hi, Bipolar mom. Even though I have never been diganosed with bi-polar, instead my doctor said I have "anxiety", which I think is wrong, I feel your pain. I've been on Wellburtin XL for months, but it feels like I haven't been on anything. I can count on both hands the amount of times I feel like myself in a month. I'm so sorry about not being able to get your meds, they are so important I'm sure. Have you tried to see if you qualifiy for help filling your meds? I know here in Harris county, the Dept. of Children & Family Services helps with getting meds filled for those who qualify and I don't think you need to be on public assistance either, so call your local DFACS and ask if they have such a program. Ok, good luck and remember you're not alone in this fight.
Best Regards, Patti Pine mountain Valley, GA |
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April 3, 2006, 11:14 am PDT
Well another day has past and still nothing. Why do I feel like there is nothing left to do? Why do i feel so alone when I'm surrounded by people who love and care about me? I get so depressed and I go to the kitchen to vent. No one hears me, no one understands my pain and suffering. I'm so happy for all of you who reads my posts and replies to them, it does help, but only for a while, because then reality kicks in and I'm back in the hole of depression again. I feel like I'm crying, yelling for help but no one answers me. I am not the person I know I can be and want to be so badly. God if only I could find help. Where do I go, who do I see? How do I get help with out having money? Doctors need to make a living too, which I understand. So, everywhere I go, requires some form of payment and I don't have it, I never do. I live in a 3 bedroom moblie home, which we are living in illegally because we can't afford tto finish the re-modeling or have what we need to make it legal fixed. A county inspector suppose to come and inspect our home to make sure we followed regulations and county policies and we never had it done. So, we can be fined a big fine or worse, be forced to move out until we make it legal. We have so much that needs to be done, we need flooring throughout the house, there's mold, cracks, holes and more all inside the house and outside as well that needs to be fixed. We are illegally feeding off my in-laws house because we can't get the electric turned on until our home is legal. God there's so much more. We have a car that my husband uses to get back and forth to work, but it's a 1985 and needs a lot of work. My husband is self-employed and work varies, so that means so does his pay. I live in a small rural country town, the nearest gas station is 8 miles away and the nearest Wal-Mart is 25 miles away. I can't get out to met new people or go to support groups. I take my anger out on my kids and even myself. I have nothing and feel nothing so I go and eat because it makes me feel good. I don't trust anyone, I feel I'm always being judged or looked down upon. I won't go to my childrens' PTA because I feel embrassed or ashamed of myself and how our life has turned out. I can't buy my kids the stuff they want or even the stuff they need, i have to go to a good will, its just so sad and on top of that I have my past and depression to deal with as well. I'm so done, if things don't change soon, i don't know what's going to happen. Why put my kids through this? Maybe if I left things would be better for them? I don't mean killing myself, but leaving, going to find myself, get deep into my soul, but I can't even do that. I'm stuck in a rut and ready to run. Is there free help somewhere, but that is a realiable source? I don't want a quack, I want someone like Dr. Phil, who is someone that won't judge me, but at the same time tell it like it is, no gimmicks. Please tell me what to do, where to go, how to ask? Being on welfare limits my possiblities.
Thanks, a woman in need, Patti |
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April 3, 2006, 10:05 pm PDT
Quote From: kris2020 Hi Patti, It sounds like you have turned your life around. I have the same fears for my kids. I don't want them to have the childhood that I had. MY mom would sometimes go off the wall. Sometimes I cannot afford my meds either. I ask if the dr has any samples and he usually gives them to me. It is important to get to a dr. I tried to help myself with no drs and no meds and it didn't turn out so well. You should be proud of what you have accomplished and not look back. If you cannot afford therapy for you and your family, have you thought about going to a church to talk to someone. I find great therapy in the message boards themselves. The people here have a lot of good advice and wisdom. I overcompensate for my kids. I figure the busier they are, the more they won't notice how their mom is. I run myself ragged partially because I feel guilty for the life they have. I know it's not my fault, but it's hard to keep telling yourself that. The fact that you worry about them and their well being says that you are a good mom. Good luck and I hope keep pushing forward. Kris Yes, I do have a church that I go to, but I feel to weird to go and talk to my pastor because he has known my husband's mother for over 30 years. Plus I have already spoken to him once and it only help for that moment. I have a very good relationship with God and He has done so much for my family and me. I converted from being a Catholic to Baptist a little over 3 years ago, but I'm still struggling to live a Christain life, but love Jesus and so thankful He's a forgiving God. It is just so hard, I curse, scream, yell and fly off the deep end all the time, so how can I be a good Christain? It's like I live two lives. But I feel the same as you, I do too find it to be great therapy here at the message boards. Kris, I have no money, no car and I live in a very small town with no public transportation. So all I do is sit at home and think, think about how I was treated in the past, think about how I just talk to my 9 year-old daughter the night before, think about going to the fridge to grap a bit of comfort food, it's just so pathetic and sad and it just makes me so sick and angry. I'm the same with my kids, I hardly ever spend quality time with them, you know one on one, but I'm always home? I don't know what to do, that's why I'm here and everyone keeps telling me I need to get to a doctor and I have. I told my doctor how I felt, I may have not told her every single thing, but I made my point clear. And all she said was that I suffer from anxiety and an irregular heartbeat. I'm on Wellbutrin XL, which is suppose to help with my so-called anxiety and to lose weight, it's been over a year and nothing new, I still feel and look the same, as a matter of fact, I've gained more weight. And I'm on Metorol to help regulate my blood? I feel like my doctor doesn't even know what is wrong with me. Anyway, I'm sure I've bored you, thanks for the re-ply and hope you have a great day & God bless, always, Patti |
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April 5, 2006, 9:07 am PDT
Well I'm in Chicago visiting my family for a few days. My mom has been sick and she wants to come back home to Georgia with me, plus she wants to see the grandkids. My family is so dysfunctional it's not even funny. All my life it's been that way. We all have our own problems and issues and ways of dealing with things. But still its just so much drama!! I have 2 sisters who are drug addicts, another who has an gambling problem and a small problem with "coke", but she says shes not an addict cause she only does it every now and again...oh please. I have a brother I hardly talk to, let alone see. I don't even know how his kids look, its been that long since I seen all of them. My one sister literally kick my mom out a few months ago and she ended up staying with a friend of the family who had 5 wild kids, that drove her crazy and some even stole from her. And now my mom is living back with the sister who throw her out? Isn't that just crazy! Coming home brings back so many memories, good and bad. I was treated like dirt all my life and I hold alot of resentment, anger and even hatred in me. I feel as though I'm the way I am because of that and how my family never really was there for me when I needed them the most. They never believed me about the teasing and bulling I suffered from in school, instead they done the same to me. They gave up on me when I was struggling with my depression and raising two kids on my own while going through so many mood swings and downfalls in my life. I was thrown out on the streets with my two kids by my sisrter after I moved in with her when my kids father left me. Because she was using me for money, my car and being a babysitter when she went on one of her binges and I put my foot down and she in return throw us out. I ended up living in a motel for 3 1/2 months paying $60.00 a night, eating nothing but peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches. Plus I had to deal with my brother-in-law who was my babysitter, who also had a drug addition and would steal from me and even take my car and not come back in time for me to get to work on time. I ended up losing my job and almost ended up living in my car. That's how I ended up moving to Georgia and when I decided to change my life around. Which I have, but I still struggle with the bouts of depression, feelings of being worthless, having no money and everyone looking at me as living in proverty, which I guess I am. I never wanted this for me, let alone my kids and I can't get out and its tearing me apart, both mentally and emotionally. There is so much more God I just want to SCREAM!! I want to vent it all out, open up old wounds and ask why? Why was I treated so bad, why I'm I the one suffering so bad when I changed my life around? WHY!!!! But I can't, because I feel it's me against the world. Plus why open old wounds ....right? I'm sure my family would really disown me, if I said how I really feel about things, especially our childhoods. That is why I wish Dr. Phil would talk to me and tell me what I need to do. No one understands, people here say go see your doctor and talk about being bi-polar, but I have and she has done nothing and medicaid don't cover going to see a psychiatrist. And it's more then just the depression, I have deep regression in me from my past and it's all bottled up inside me. Plus I have no car to go and no money to pay to see a psychiatrist. Believe me if I did I would be seeing one, I know I need to see one. I even think to myself that maybe I have adult ADD because of my inability to control my anger and the racing thoughts going through my head and the horrible mood swings. I can't talk to no one, especially my doctor, because she just don't understand or she would say it's "Anxiety" and just put me on the back burner and take care of others who have the money to pay. Like I said before, I told my doctor how I felt and she said it's anxiety. I was going to see her on a regular basis but now I only go for basic treatment for illness because I get so discouraged by this because I feel I'm treated this way because I'm on walfare and I'm last on the totem pole. I feel like no one is realy concerned about my well being, so why should I? I can't get help, can't afford it, don't want to see a quack who would say I'm an unfit mom and take my kids away or a quack who says its all in my head and get over it and cover it up as being "anxiety" and my heart palpatations are from caffine. I stopped the amount of caffine I used to drink, stopped smoking, but still it has not helped. I'm still stressed out and overwhelmed. That is why I need Dr. Phil, but I know that's impossible. I sent him several letters and still nothing. I just don't deserve to get the treatment I need to get better, I never have so why start now. Thanks for letting me vent once again.
Patti |
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