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Messages By: emma08
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April 5, 2006, 9:37 am PDT
 Quote From: suzannekin Thank you so much for your understanding. One thing I have noticed is that those of us who suffer from Bipolar Disorder often feel so lost and alone. The struggle for sanity somehow sets us apart from others. I rarely leave my home because I think that people can "see" the bipolar. I am not on any meds right now and am not doing well at all. I have no health insurance and cannot get any because of my history of bipolar. I have been on every medication known to science I believe. During one severe manic episode in 1996 I was hospitalized for several months. They kept me so heavily sedated on Valium that I now have what is known as drug induced amnesia. I have literally lost years of memories. Each day I see what this disease is doing to the people I love. My poor husband will sit and cry and say he feels so helpless and doesn't know what to do anymore. Bipolar Disorder is a cunning disease too. It targets my weaknesses and exacerbates them until my anxiety level is out the roof. It causes me to trust no one, not even my husband. And when I am cycling, I lose my appetite and stop eating. I weigh less than 100 lbs now and feel so weak and tired all the time. It's a viscious cycle and I don't know how much longer I can do this. Thank you again for your understanding. Whenever I hear from someone who can relate to what I am going through it gives me a glimmer of hope that one day I will find the answer I am so desperately searching for. I feel for you and understand what you're going through. I too feel so lost and alone, and I have my husband and our kids and his family around me all the time, who love and care about me, but they really don't understand what I go through on a daily basis. I feel people are judging me all the time and can see my rage and insercurities. I am not on any meds either, except Wellbutrin XL. My doctor told me I'm suffering from "anxiety" and that is what causes my heart palpatations and pain in my chest. She also put me on Metoprolol to help "regulate" my blood. All my life I've had servere mood swings and bouts of depression. I can't control my anger, I feel worthless all the time and that I'm not good enough and don't deserve to be "normal". I've never been hospitalized or told I had bi-polar. But I've gone to many websites and looked up info and took test's and all point to me suffering from it. My doctor don't see it I guess or maybe I'm not telling her enough about my symptoms. I'm on medicaid and it does not cover seeing a psychiatrist. And what has happened to you about your memory is excaltly what I'm so scared of or being told I'm an unfit mom and my kids being taken away from me. And for me I eat more, not less. I've gained about 25 lbs, because when I feel alone and depressed, food is my friend and comforts me. It's just so sad and depressing and I'm so scared of hurting my kids because they see me go through this and I take it out on them, by cursing at them, yelling, screaming, just flying off the handle. Anyway, just remember you are not alone and be thankful for the message boards, they are such a big help, well they are for me. They may not stop the emotional roller coaster your on, but it will help with the ride. Take care & God bless.
Patti |
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April 5, 2006, 10:00 am PDT
Quote From: mensan One more time. Your community mental health center does not charge for a psychiatrist's care nor do they charge for medications if you can't afford them. It's beginning to sound as though you are making excuses for not seeking treatment rather trying to help yourself. When I sought treatment I did not have any income and just knew that I had to get help. At the time I didn't have a diagnosis. I just knew that I wasn't right and that I wouldn't be right until I got help. It took me five years to get the right meds, but I have been stable on meds for 18 years. Why do you assume that you can't do it? You are waiting for Dr. Phil to solve your problems? That's not Dr. Phil's job. It is your job to do it. There was a lot less help and a lot fewer meds available when I was seeking help--and no Dr. Phil. Nothing will happen until you do it. No one will swope down and take care of you. You have to do it. If you want things to get better, you have to make it happen. Ok, I don't mean to be rude, but you don't know what is going on in my life and I don't need people being sarcastic towards me. I already feel people judge me, I don't need to feel it here too. Yes, I write in message boards because that's how I vent and no I'm not making excuses and if I can't vent out here, then maybe I shouldn't be here. I have no car, I live in a very small town and we have a health department but its nearly 10 miles from where I live, what I'm I to do, ask them to come pick me up? I'm trying to help myself the best I can with what I have. My husband is self-employed and work varies. He uses his mothers friends car to get back and forth to work, when and if he has work. No I'm not "waiting" for Dr. Phil to solve my problems, I'm wishing he would help because I trust him. I have 3 children to worry about. I don't assume nothing, all my life I've asked for help and I never recieved any, instead I recieved back lash, like I feel I'm getting from you. No one has ever come a swoped me up and took care of me, that's what I was lacking my whole life. All my life I had to try and take care of myself, even as a kid. I'm trying to make it happen, it may not seem that way to you, but I am. Please don't be offended, but I've been talked down upon and told I;d never amount to anything and ever since then I've tried to make something out of myself but people like you, who say you need to do it yourself or say that I'm waiting for someone else to solve my problems make it seem like I'm not trying hard enough when I'm giving all I can. You come live a day in my shoes and see how it feels and see no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try people still say it's not good enough. Thanks for the encourgement.
Patti |
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April 11, 2006, 11:00 am PDT
Hello everyone, haven't posted in a few days, more bad luck has come along. My computer is slowing breaking down, I'm just waiting for it to crash. It's 6 years old and still runs Windows98 and I have dial-up because the rural country town I live in does not have the means or enough people wanting fast access, but even if there was, i couldn't afford it. And nor can I afford to get a new computer, so go figure, what else is new. Anyway, I'm back home in Georgia and my mom came back with me. The kids were so happy to see her, so were my niece and newphew, who live here by me with their grandparents. My sister had to give them up, she supposely could not "take" care of them but she sure can take care of her addiction to heroine very well. Anyway, i watch my niece and newphew all the time and have them over when ever I can, you can say I grew attached to them, it's a shame their mother has not been around these last 2 years and the are only 4 and 2 1/2 years-old, they don't even remember her, it's so sad. God, that's a whole other story in itself. I do have a some what prasie report, since my mom is here, she and I drove back in her car, (I would of taken the Greyhound bus if she didn't come back), anyway so, I'm trying to make an appointment to go see my doctor and hopefully she can referr me to a psycharitist, so I can open the flood gates. I hope my insurance will pay for it, because I looked in my phone book and there are no "free" community health centers in my area, only a health department and they don't see psych. patients. Anyway, hopefully my MD can help. However, my only problem is once my mom leaves, I again won't have a car to get around and I will be stuck at home again with no transportation. I know I can get help, its finding a way to go to where I need to go is the biggest problem. If there are "free" clinics like meason has said, and ways to get help with meds, that's so great, but living where I live and having no form what so ever of transportation or having any friends or realitives to ask for help, makes it seem impossible. Like I've said in one of my last posts, I live in a very small town, no buses, no cabs, no taxis, just God's green earth surrounds me, the closest gas station is nearly 8 miles from where I live and my doctors office is 25 miles away. I'm truly at my wits end, but I know things will change soon. To all of you who posted comments, thank you, all of you have helped make me feel that there is hope, I, myself, just needs to keep believing. Please all who believe in the power of prayer, please pray for me that I will finally find a way to get the help I so badly need and want. Not just for me and my sanitiy, but for my children and my husbands as well. Thanks for listening and praying for me. God Bless, Patti
Oh, by the way I know my screen name says Emma08, but my name is Patti, Emma is my 3-year-old daughter, the screnn name I wanted was already in use...ok, just wanted to let all of you know that!.....bye 4 now. |
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April 18, 2006, 1:26 pm PDT
Quote From: bluearmy13 Hi. I'm a little new to this. I have posts on another board (infertility) but never here. My name is Marcy, and I'm 26 years old. I have been depressed for a very long time. I've been trying to deal with it on my own, but it's not working. I think it all started in high school. We, my mom and younger brother, were living with my step-dad who is an alcoholic. He was physically and mentally abusive. Plus, I started to remember part of my child hood that I had blocked out. My real dad sexually molested me when I was about 4 or 5. So dealing with everything that a normal teen has to deal with plus all the above, it was tough. It seemed the only thing that would help was drugs and alcohol. I thought it would just go away. But it hasn't. I'm getting much worse. I think about suicide almost daily. I wonder why I have to be like this and no one has an answer. I have never been diagnosed, but I've read up on Manic Depression, and I think I fit the category. I'm not sure what to do. I try talking to my husband. He tries to help, but he doesn't know what to say to me when I "flip out". I literally have no friends. I feel like I have no one to turn to. So I thought I'd try here. I thought maybe if someone else has the same problem, maybe they could help me cope.
Thanks for listening. Marcy, I know how you feel. Your story and mine are almost the same. From the chilhood molestation, to turning to drugs and alcohol, to never being diagnosed, to having no friends and then some. I am 28 years-old and a wife and mother of 3 young children. I've been depressed for a long time but never been told by a doctor that I had depression, instead I was told I had anxiety. It all began in my childhood when I was teased, bullied, made fun and told I would never amount to anything by everyone around me, including my own family. My dad was an alcoholic who would take his anger out on us from time to time. I was molested by a man who lived across the alleyway from where we lived and then not believed by my family. I have struggled with my weight all my life. I too started looking up on depression. It really came to a boil 7 years ago when the biological father of my 2 oldest children left me when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with our second child, then a few weeks later I gave birth to my son, and we haven't seen him since, then four months later my dad died of a massive heart attack. That was when I began to use drugs, I was already smoking pot, but then I tried prib's drugs Vicodin and Valium and going out drinking nearly every night not coming home to 7am, leaving my children with my mom or one of my sister's. I became an unfit mom, a drug addict and an alcoholic, before I knew it my children and I where homeless, living in a $65.00 a night motel, eating nothing but PB &J sanwhiches. It was terrible. Then I had an awakening and decided to change my life. I moved from my home town of Chicago to Georgia in Sept. of 2001. I met my husband in October of 2001 and we've been together ever since and were married in Feb. of 2003. I've never been happier, but my depreesion has never left and now it's taking it's toll on not just me, but my whole family. I try and tell myself just get over it and move on, but it never works by days end I back feeling like no one cares or understands me. I went from living in a big city like Chicago, to a very small town, it was a big adjustment for both my children and I and if it wasn't for my husband and his family, I don't know where my children and I would be. He too tries to help, but he really doesn't understand and tells me to go see a doctor. We don't have a car, there's no transportation whatsoever where we live, its a rural country town, we live on a low income, my husband is self-employed and work varies and I can't work because of transportation, the nearestr gas station from our house is like 8 miles away and the nearest wal-mart is like 25 miles away, so jobs are few and far between. So all I can say is keep the faith, if you believe in God, pray and ask for others to pray for you. Go see your doctor, thatr is what everyone on these boards will tell you, and the're right. And keep coming back here, these boards are a great help. Please keep in touch, I would really like to hear how everything is going with you. Take care & God bless. Best Regards, Patti a.k.a emma08 patticake411@bellsouth.net |
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April 27, 2006, 12:32 pm PDT
God, another birthday another day of feeling like crap. Well today is my 29th birthday and I'm sitting at home all alone with nothing to do, except house-work as usual. My life is so pathetic and sad and miserable. I went to my doctor and told her I think I'm suffering from depression, she asked me a few questions and disagreed and told me that I need to relax and not get so frustrated and stressed out and if I'm not feeling any better by next appointment we can "talk" about it. What the hell! Why is this happening to me? Why can't no one see what I feel? Why can't I get help? I'm literally begging for it. I guess because I don't think about killing myself or have unimagineable thoughts that I'm not suffering from anything but my own self pity. What should I tell my doctor? Should I tell her she's not doing her job? Every, single visit, I'm in the waiting room longer than I'm in seeing the doctor. She walks in and out so fast, it makes my head spin. Then she has her "assistant" come in and finish up. It's like she just looks at me, checks my vitals and then her "assistant" does the rest. The doctor doesn't even ask me what's wrong, the nurse does when I first get in there and then she just reads it off the paper and that's about it! She, her assistant, is the one that gives me the shots I need, she tells me what medicine I will be getting, she tells me when I need to come back, so on, so forth. It's like my doctor just blows me off, pushes me to the side and only thinks about what samples she could give me. Every visit, I get samples to try, samples that have really nothing to do with why I was there. Like once I came there for chest pain and tingling in my hands and for a sharp, shooting pain in my head, not a headache or migraine, just a pain and she gives me a sample of a new drug that prevents migraines? I'm no doctor, but what would that do? It didn't help and then she put me on a medicine that is for patients that have had heart attacks and that could cause a heart attack if you suddenly stop taking it, to help regulate my blood because I have an irregular heart beat. Well that hasn't helped either, I still feel like my heart quivers and honestly, I feel it has gotten worse since taking this medicine she's given me. Then about my depression, she says its not depression, its anxiety and put me on WellbutrinXL, well no change there either, I still feel like crap. I'm not asking for a miracle or a one time fix, I know it takes time, but it's been over a year and half and nothing as changed. And yes, I know there are people out there that has suffered with their illness for years before they found the right treatment, but what if you've already been suffereing for years and years and just want relief and then you go to your doctor and they say nothing is wrong with you and don't really look into it any further? Are you suppose to just leave it at that? Hey, I'm not mocking all doctors and nurses out there, i know there are really good, professinal people out there, just not where I go. For one thing it's a clinic, with hundreds of other doctors, half the patients there are on Medicaid, including myself and to them, I feel, were just another pay check and a ginnie pig for the samples they get from the drug companies. I mean come on, they had like 10 other patients ahead of me that had the same appointment time as me! I waited an hour and a half, just to see my doctor for less than 5 minutes. However, she was able to see, and I'm not kidding, see 8 represenatives from different drug companies, you know the ones that come there in suits with their little brief cases and boxes with samples in it. God, it is so filled with red tape, its not even funny. Then on top of that when I was leaving and given my prescrib's to get filled, I asked her nurse assistant if what they had given me was covered under Medicaid, because I couldn't afford to pay full price and she said "oh yes, of course". Well, guess what, they were'nt and it was not the first time they had made that mistake. I had strep throat about a month and a half ago and they messed up and I couldn't get my med's. Then on Easter Sunday, I began to feel sick again and again I got strep throat, that's twice in less then 2 months, don't that tell ya something? And again, they gave me med's that wasn;t covered and you know what my doctor had the b***'s to say? I gave you some samples, just use them for now.........gee thanks for caring doc. Anyway, this has just not been a very good week for me. Am I over reacting or is my doctor and her "assistant's" slacking a little bit? I don't know, but in June I change doctors and I will be able to see a different doctor, hopefully this one will help me with ALL my problems and issues. Please continue to pray for me, I really need it and thanks for listening.
Thank you, Patti |
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May 4, 2006, 1:36 pm PDT
Quote From: marhalee69 Hi Patti, This sounds hokey, but this is the first time I've been on Dr. Phil's message board and for some reason I came across your post. Call it divine intervention, I guess... I'm 37 and have suffered off and on with depression (as an adult) since 1996. I turned to my family physician for help a few times, but when I was able to grab their attention, I too was dismissed... under too much stress, hormones, cycles, loneliness, etc. I was given Prozac, had a reaction & thoughts of suicide after about a month, & wound up in a out-patient program at a local hospital. I've been up and down until the last year which has been EXTREMELY Stressful!!! In November I really got tired of being depressed and overwhelmed and felt like I was finally strong enough to get help. My health insurance company has a mental health division (most do) that created a case # for me. They helped me get in touch with a psychiatrist and a LCSW (licensed clinical social worker) for therapy. I've had to change medicines a couple of times to find the one that is right for me. It's kind-of trial and error. I've been hanging in there with weekly therapy to help deal with the reasons for the depression, support (cuz I really can't talk to anybody about what's really bothering me), and for ways to deal with my anger, resentment, etc. in healthier ways. Patti, I've gotta tell you...going to your PCP is fine for physical needs, but they really don't have the training in these meds. They also don't for the most part have training in dealing with sensitive matters like this. We go to them screaming for help but they don't get it. Then we go away feeling like there is just one more person who doesn't give a S--t!!! Right? I know...but you know what? Somebody does care...let this birthday be the start of a new year of taking care of you. I don't know what your situation is, but you've gotta take baby steps in starting to make this a priority. Otherwise it's gonna spin out of control. You don't want to be in your 30's and feel like this. Hell, you don't want to feel like this for one more day! So, call your insurance company.... I'm here to talk if you would like. I'm not better (that takes time) but I'm better every day than the one before...as long as we're moving in the right direction, we're making progress! HAPPY BIRTHDAY...give yourself the best gift ever-HOPE!!! Your virtual friend, Leigh Thank you for wishing me a happy birthday and reading my post. My birthday wasn't that bad, but I've had better ones. My life can be great one minute and crazy the next. I believe I have suffered from either depression, anxiety, ADHD, bi-polar or all of the above and then some all my life. I was physically, emotionally, and verbally abused by my family and my peers. I was also sexually molested and not believed by my family and nothing was ever done about it when I was about 8 or 9 years old. I also suffered with self -esteem issues steaming from being told I was fat, a pig, glutton and more and that I would also never amount to nothing by everyone in my life. I turned to drugs and alcohol and older men. I met a man when I was 16, he was 33, we had 2 children together, but he was married and had a family already and eventually left me when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with our 2nd child. You can say after that I became an unfit mother drowing in my own self pity. Then one day I realized I was a single, non-educated mother, who was homeless and on the verge of losing it all. I had what some call an awaking. I moved away from my past, nearly a thousand miles away. I met and fell in love with my prince charming, got married and had another child. I have also been clean & sober for the past 5 years and went back to school and got my GED and enrolled in the LPN Program. So see I've literally changed my life around but now what ever I have that is wrong with me is slowing creeping its way back in my life and its ruining what life I had left in me. I feel as though no one really gets me and that I'm an outcast. My husband tries his best but we still get into fights or disagreements, so now I just don't even tell him how I'm really feeling. I yell, scream, and even curse at my children. And as you already read, my doctor don't get it either. I'm on state funded Medicaid, I live in a very small town, I have hardly any money or means of transportation, so going out searching for a doctor or someone to help me is slim to none. These message boards are my only escape. In June I will be going to a different doctor, hopefully she can help me overcome this and get on the right track once again and give me the meds I need. Thanks again and please keep in touch and I'll do the same.
Best Regards, Patti patticake411@bellsout.net |
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May 4, 2006, 1:42 pm PDT
Thank you for wishing me a happy birthday and reading my post. My birthday wasn't that bad, but I've had better ones. My life can be great one minute and crazy the next. I believe I have suffered from either depression, anxiety, ADHD, bi-polar or all of the above and then some all my life. I was physically, emotionally, and verbally abused by my family and my peers. I was also sexually molested and not believed by my family and nothing was ever done about it when I was about 8 or 9 years old. I also suffered with self -esteem issues steaming from being told I was fat, a pig, glutton and more and that I would also never amount to nothing by everyone in my life. I turned to drugs and alcohol and older men. I met a man when I was 16, he was 33, we had 2 children together, but he was married and had a family already and eventually left me when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with our 2nd child. You can say after that I became an unfit mother drowing in my own self pity. Then one day I realized I was a single, non-educated mother, who was homeless and on the verge of losing it all. I had what some call an awaking. I moved away from my past, nearly a thousand miles away. I met and fell in love with my prince charming, got married and had another child. I have also been clean & sober for the past 5 years and went back to school and got my GED and enrolled in the LPN Program. So see I've literally changed my life around but now what ever I have that is wrong with me is slowing creeping its way back in my life and its ruining what life I had left in me. I feel as though no one really gets me and that I'm an outcast. My husband tries his best but we still get into fights or disagreements, so now I just don't even tell him how I'm really feeling. I yell, scream, and even curse at my children. And as you already read, my doctor don't get it either. I'm on state funded Medicaid, I live in a very small town, I have hardly any money or means of transportation, so going out searching for a doctor or someone to help me is slim to none. These message boards are my only escape. In June I will be going to a different doctor, hopefully she can help me overcome this and get on the right track once again and give me the meds I need. Thanks again and please keep in touch and I'll do the same.
Best Regards, Patti patticake411@bellsout.net |
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May 18, 2006, 12:35 pm PDT
Well I hope all of the woman on these message boards had a wonderful Mother's day! Mine was good. I got beautiful gifts and lots of love. However, I felt really sad too? Maybe it was just me being me, who is an emotional wreck or maybe it was my husband who triggered it. He didn't get me a card, or even a gift, he just gave me $20.00 and told me he loved me. But thats just how he is and always will be...I guess? I just don't know what to do to help myself. I know all of you out there are saying go see your doctor and tell her to refer me to a shrink, well I tried that and she feels I don't need go see one. I switched doctors in June, I pray this doctor will get to the bottom of this. I'm tired...I want to feel like myself again, I want to be me. All I want is to be happy with myself and my life the best I could and its just not working out that way, I ready to just give in. Please pray for me.
Patti |
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May 21, 2006, 8:13 pm PDT
Quote From: cassie04 Today I realized that my life is going no where because I let it. I have never had a job out side of taking care of kids since I was seven (brother and sister). I was abused as a child physically and mentually my mom and I are close but we never talk about what her or her husband did to me. Does that mean our relationship is based on a lie? I don't know but to this day I can't sleep at night with out feeling trapped inside this body with no one to help me through this pain. I guess since I hide it from everyone they don't know that its there to help me. I try so hard to not be like my mother was with me but that is all I know. I promised to never hit my kids or make them feel bad about themselves and although I don't bet on my kids they sometimes get a spat on the bottom from me to help make them mind I have tried the time out thing with my three year old but it doesn't faze her one bit. My 17 month old likes to test me all the time but I can't bring myself to spack her. My mother used to yell at me every day for anything I did wrong it was like no warning she was always mad at me and when she would say Cassidy I love you it would make me cry because I didn't believe her, How can you yell at some one and call them stupid and worthless and then say I love you I couldn't understand. Now the signs of me yell at my daughters make me break down and cry because it just comes out and I don't know where from. Then I appologize to them and tell them that I will try and stop do it but some out it comes out when I am really stressed or erratated. How can't I care this horrible trate and pass it on to my daughters I have been practicing some stress reliver but the only thing that helps is smoking a cigg. and that kills me and anyone how is around me. How do I control this temper I have? I just so happen to see your post and wow how similar our lives are. Cassidy I too was physically, emotionaly and mentally abused in my childhood, by both my parents, my siblings, nearly everyone who was in my life. I hated my life growing up. My parents would tell me that I would never amount to nothing, that I was nothing but a high-school drop-out. They called me names you wouldn't believe, then hug and kiss me and tell me they are sorry and they love me. I was also sexually abused by a man who lived across the alley fropm my house and was never believed by my family. I too told myself that I would not treat my kids they way I was treated but I find myself doing it everyday and it kills me inside and makes me hate myself even more. It not like I want and enjoy yelling and screaming and sometimes smacking my children, but just like you said, it just comes out of nowhere and it is soooo hard to control. I tried the 10 minute time out, walking away or pusing my children away when I am ready to explode, but it don't help, I just take it out on my husband or myself by going to the kitchen and seeing what comfort food there is to comfort me. It's pathetic and sad and I can't find any help. I'm sorry to say this, but I'm kinda glad I'm not the only one who feels and does the same as I do and I thank God and Dr. Phil for these message boards, they are so great and inspirational. Plus finding others like you and me as well as the thousands of others out there, makes life a little easier and a great place to vent and not feel judged by doing so. I am not a poster child for salvation or Christ, I don't pray every night or go to church every Sunday, but I believe God is a forgiving God and that He does answer prayers.....He just answers them in His time, not ours, its waiting for them to be answered that kills me and challenge's my faith, but I know He will answer them one day. Please, if you believe in the power of prayer, which I hope you do, pray for yourself and for God to guide you and show you the way to get through this and please, if you don't mind, throw in one for me, I need all the prayers I can get. God bless & take care, I'm here if you need someone to talk to and hopefully vice versa.
Best Regards, Patti |
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May 29, 2006, 11:43 am PDT
God, if only I can understand. Okay some of you may know what is going on with me, some may not. Anyway this is my take on my life. Well first I believe I suffer from depression, anxiety, adult ADHD, etc, etc. Or, all of the above. My dr. says its only anxiety, but I believe otherwise, but what do I know? Right? Both my parents had inner demons, don't we all, my dad was a closet alcoholic, who was a Chicago Police Sargent for 38 years who would take his anger out on my siblings & me, but was a also a loving, caring, wonderful father. My mom was addicted to gambling, were at times, she would be gone for days at a time, who took her anger out on us as well, but she was also a great, loving mother??? However, I don't think they were depressed, but again, who am I to know that for sure? All I know is that all my life I been around people who would yell, scream, fight, curse, and so on and so forth, that I turned out to be the same way. I yell at my kids, my husband, even myself. I look in the mirror and tell myself that I’m ugly, fat, that I'm no good, I'm worthless, and I ask myself how could anyone love me?? Then on top of all my ill feelings, my family, meaning my children and my husband, are suffering because of my downfalls. My son, who is only 8, was diagnosed with ADD in Dec. of 05. He was taking Adderall XR, but we have since taken him off of it for the summer to see how things play out, but we'll probably put him back on when school begins in August. He too has signs of depression, low self-esteem and the feeling of not being good enough, even though we tell him he is. He does good one day, the next he falls right back down. I’m the same way, I can be happy and upbeat about my life, then all it takes is one problem, like not having money for a certain event or bill or my children not listening to me or my husband not understanding what I need, then boom, I fall back into the dark hole of mania. There I feel like no one cares or understands me, where I blow up over the littlest thing, where I cry over the smallest thing, where I feel no one seems to really get me and I don’t get them, no matter what they do, its not good enough. Then my 9-½ yr.-old is on the A/B honor roll and has not been diagnosed with ADD, but has the biggest emotional problem I've ever seen in a child her age. She can be so emotional where she says no one cares about her or that everyone is out to get her or that she don’t do anything right. She slams doors, talks back and at times, takes her anger out on her younger siblings. You can tell her that her shoelaces are tied wrong and she would get so angry, that if looks could kill, I would already be dead. If you correct her and she knows she was wrong she would burst into tears then throw a temper tantrum. She is also VERY mature for her age, she looks like she's a teenager and is already very developed. She too also has a little bit of a weight problem, she about 4'11" and weights about 120lbs. So on the inside she this little 9 year-old girl, but on the outside it's a different story, plus she's also the tallest of her class as well as the biggest and she sometimes feels like an outcast or singled out because of that. I was the exact same way as a child and that was how it all began with me and I am sooooo scared she will follow my same footsteps. Me being overly matured at a young age, plus my low self-esteem and confidence led me to look and go to older men for love and acceptance. Why? I have the slightest clue that is just my take on it. I try and talk to my daughter but its like she doesn’t care to listen, plus she sees me being over weight and guesses if I can be why not her? I tell her and so does my husband that she needs to take care of her weight issues now before its too late and too out of control, but she takes it as us making fun of her. She is so overly sensitive that it’s hard trying to explain to her the things that she needs to do to help herself. Lately she’s been saying, "I know, I have to fix it", but still does nothing about it. My parents used to hide food in their bedroom closet, so we wouldn’t eat them out of house and home. So not only did I used to not only eat food to comfort me, but to rebel against my parents as well. I don’t and never will do that. I leave all the food out in the open and my children ask my husband or me if they can have something before they eat it. So see, I don’t want to take away the food that not just my daughter enjoys, but that ALL 3 of my children enjoy and it’s not like we over feed her or let her eat whatever she wants either. She eats apples, oranges, but she likes her fruit snacks and ice cream too, what kid doesn’t? She’s just not active enough to manage her weight and balance it. She doesn’t like to stay outdoors for too long, especially if it is hot out. She has a hard time running because of her weight and she has a slight breathing problem where she runs out of breath quick, especially in hot weather. She can’t fit in any of her clothes for her age any more. And if and when we do buy her new clothes I have to go to the juniors or misses department and we usually don’t have the money to buy her new clothes, so she ends up wearing hand me downs from my mother-in-law!! Same dam thing that I went through as a kid wearing my mom’s clothes because that’s all that fitted me, plus we couldn’t afford to go shopping either. My daughter is a beautiful young girl and deserves to be happy with herself, so why is this happening? Why is my life repeating itself through my daughter?? Is it because of the issues inside of me and of my past? Have I turned out to be just like my mother? I’m not saying that would be so horrible of a thing, if I turned out like my mother, but if so, why can’t I stop these chains of events from repeating themselves? Growing up we had no money to get new clothes, or shoes. We didn’t get an allowance either, we were lucky to get new stuff for school. However, we do give our children an allowance, $ 5 a week. If we don’t have the money at the time it gets added onto the next weeks allowance. Anyway, my parents loved us and did what they could with what they had and I admire them for that and I guess that’s what my husband and I are doing, just trying to get by. I know that it must have been hard raising 7 children on a policeman’s salary, but my parents did it. My childhood was not perfect, far from it, and yes, I may still hold resentment for all that had happened to me growing up, but I can say with all honestly my parents loved us.
Now another issue has surfaced that has to do with money and it has made me even more madder at life as well as myself and it shows that maybe I just don’t deserve to be happy or deserve to be able to achieve my dreams and hopes and aspirations in life. That this is just how my life will be for the rest of my life, I will be nothing but a miserable, broke, resentful, depressed woman and probably even psychotic. See, in between all of the beatings, name calling, humiliation and self pity that surrounded me all my life, I hoped to be an author, to write a book or a biography about my life. I also enjoyed writing poems too and I wrote a poem a few years ago called Blind Love and recently I submitted it into a contest at poetry.com and it was chosen to be published and it is posted on its website. I was trilled and excited and so honored to finally be recognized for something positive. They also picked me as ambassador of the year and asked me to come to this big event in Vegas the weekend of July 23rd, but I never responded back because it cost nearly $1000.00 to attend, that is a rough ideal, that includes travel and hotel expenses. So again, one of my biggest dreams and goals snatched away because of money and my inner demons. Even if I had the money to go, I’d probably feel to insecure to talk to anyone and feel like everyone was looking at me and talking behind my back. That’s how I usually feel anywhere I go, so thank God I’m poor huh??? What I’m on doing wrong? Why are we suffering? Why can’t I get on my feet? What is wrong with me?? I’m I losing my mind? I’m I stuck in self pity mode?? Why do I still hold so much resentment and grudges? Why can’t I forget and forgive? Why does the root of all evil surround money? Having money woes does nothing but trigger my emotions and fires up my anger and resentment...Why? The Bible says that the love of money is the root of all evil, I don’t love money, I just need it, so why is this keep happening? I know that I never got the chance to confront my dad and ask him why he was the way he was back then, he died in 1998, nor did I get the chance to bring the man who sexually molested me to justice, he too died years ago, before my dad died. And I never got an answer from the biological father of my two older children why he left me when I was 8 ½ months pregnant with our second child, but I’m sure he too had his reasons, I was a basket case back then too. I never understood why I always felt unwanted and not loved when, infact, I was? Was it the money? Or was it the abuse? Or was it just me being selfish? Or was it all of the above and then some. I DON"T KNOW!!! All I know is that I know I’ve done a lot of mean, horrible, even immoral things in my childhood and in my adulthood for reasons I don’t understand, but I’ve changed my life around for the better and asked for forgiveness, but my life keeps getting worse...Why? If only I understood how life works, then maybe I could understand me better. Thank you for letting me vent my anger out here again and please all who reads this, pray for me and more importantly my sanity. It can only get better...Right?
Trying to keep the faith, Patti |
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