Dr. Phil.com - Messageboards

User Mood
Peaceful

Message Emote

July 26, 2005, 9:21 am PDT

I am a survivor

Reading the stories here certainly brings back memories. I am actually healed and have overcome the tragedies of my life. It takes a lot of work and committment to get through the process but certainly worth it. I went through group therapy which was offered through my church with professional counselors and all. I was a very quiet and timid child and though I was coming out of that personality by the time I became a young adult, I had problems talking one on one with any one and refused the counseling but thr group counseling was wonderful, we talked if we wanted to or we just listened to ne another. We did a lot of reading and journaling and hands on projects that was very helpful. One thing that I learned was that the abuse was not my fault and no matter how I tried to convince myself that it was, the fact still stood, it was not. Children cannot control their environments and they do not choose their acquantances(spelling bad here)and so forth. Those of you who believe or have been told that it is your fault that you were abused, ditch those those thought and ditch those people, they are nothing but lies and a way not to allow you to confront your fears and abuse and it will prevent you from succeeding in lfe. I have not read Dr. Phils book but have heard nothing but good about it, there are many good resorces and people out there to help, it is a matter of keep looking and not to give up til you get what yopu need. It is good to have a good support team wheter it is a couple of good friends or the boards here, support and encouragement are imporant here to get trhough the healing. For me, I never had the opportunity to confront my abuser as by the time I was able to locate the family, he had already deceased, but I was willing and ready. Through the process of my journey, I learned that it was not my fault and I had the power to get through this and that the outcome was all up to me. I learned not only to forgive my self of the guilty feelings that I had but to forgive my abuser, for I learned that I am only accountable to myself and not to any one else and that no one on this earth could take control of my life unless I allowed them to, it was up to me to take control of things and I went for it, many tears were shed, anger and resentment were big issues for me, many prayers were lifted up for me through this process and through all the reading, journaling and prayers, I realized that I was created for a purpose and that was purpose was a wonderful plan and it certainly was not for any one else to intrude on my life. The process is not easy but with love and support, encouragement and the determination, it is possible to overcome the evil of abuse. My prayers are with every one here, be good to your self and get the help that yopu need and take your time, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Read Replies to this Message

jettav

User Mood
Peaceful

Message Emote

July 26, 2005, 10:39 am PDT

Parenting is a two person job/privelege

Parenting is definetly a 24/7 job and it takes both parents to parent the child and just becasue one brings home the paycheck does not exempt that parent from parenting. Now, I think with this parenting it has to come with love, respect and honor and if a couple truly has these qualities for his/her spouse then each will do their part. My husband works two jobs and still takes time for his family. I tell him often how much I love and appreciate his desire to work and provide for his family. The two jobs is his choice which I was hesitent about but he wanted it to help start the home business so he went with my blessings. He also encourages and appreciates me for all that I do for the family. There are times when he doesn't always get it! but I think for some guys they just don't always know what or how to do something as it is women who actually have the caregiver traits. I have posted a list of things that have to be done in day/week and will mark things off as they are done and hubby has the list right there to look at and he can see what needs to be done. I make the list starting from high priority to lowest priority and what gets done gets done but what doesn't, well, it can wait. I have learned that stress only makes everything worse. Depending on the day, there are times when hubby has to offend for himself for dinner, all he has to do is go to the freezer and get something out as I freeze all leftovers and keep a few stouffers on hand, he pops it in the microwave and there it is, sometimes, he irons his own clothes and puts them away, of course when I can, I have no problem doing it. When I need a break, I tell him I am going out for a bit and I leave. Of course when making plans to go out with a friend or whatever I may be doing, I make sure all is ok with him physically and emotionally and that there are no other plans already made. I have also went as far as paying a sitter to watch my girls while I went out for a bit, they love going to other people's home, hubby gets the rest he needs and I am enjoying a friend. I have also encouraged hubby to take some time to himself before coming home from work so he is a little more relaxed when he gets home. I usually will have the girls downstairs watching a show when he first gets home, then he can come in and not be attacked, he has a minute to settle and all is well., he is ready to help out. Just like a marriage, parenting takes work, committment, respect and both people to make it effective and a joy. There has to be a plan in place. and for those spouses who do not think it is their respeonsibility to help care for the kids, I feel sad for you, for you are missing out ona wondeful adventure of watching your children grow up and remember, when you go to work, you get a break for lunch and you have the commute home so the least you can do is give your spouse the respect they deserve and give them the break and time that they need and definetly deserve for they are doing the most imporant job in the world and that is taking care of the little ones in which mom and dad created together.

Read Replies to this Message

jettav

User Mood
Peaceful

Message Emote

July 26, 2005, 2:01 pm PDT

potty training

Quote From: serez03

Wow, I can't believe it she is 4 and not potty trained my goodness. I seems to me you are to lenient on her getting her way all the time. I don't mean to offend in any way but 4 years old come on. She doesn't need any therapy you need to be consistant on what you do. I have hree daughters the oldest is 2 and was potty trained at 18 months and the twins are now 18 months are I have started potty training. They now understand what pipi and CACA (Poop) is and are starting to understand it is not riht to use it on there undies. I get them on panties when i get home from work and I am constantly asking if they want to pipi and taking them to the potty every 15 minutes until the pipi (urine) is in the potty. piecs of chocolate as a reward if they do and nothing if they don't.

Your daughter is now 4 years old take her to the potty make hersee that she is old enough and how she feels to be in diapers and the other kids in undies. but be consistent. Have you taken her to the store with her pants wet and tell her how everybody is looking at her wet. Just have patience and Consistent if you notice she is needing to go to the rest room take her don't let her run over you and get her way. Kids are very smart and can get you you trained if you are not as stubborn as they are.

Don't give up and keep at it Good Luck!

All kids are different in this area as well as all other areas when it comes to growing and maturing. I do not believe manipulation and degrading a child is the right thing to do when it comes to teaching them things. My oldest child was potty trained by the the time she was 2 and of course regressed when her little sister was born which is a very normal thing, I wasn't concerned a bit. 2 weeks before she turned 3, I told her that when she turned 3 she was going to start wearing panties and just about every day, we would talk about the panties and on her her birthday, the pull ups were gone and the panties it was and she was perfectly fine. Now with my 2 in a half year old, she is really just starting to be interested in going potty. I started with her right around 2 but she showed no signs whatsoever of understanding, quite different then her big sister, but I have no problem, now when she is yukky, she knows she needs to be changed and will go sit on the potty. I do not push my kids but when they are ready to do something the signs are there, I do sit her on the potty consistently and know she will be potty trained soon. As far as these older children who know what to do, maybe get a timer and whenever the timer goes off they must go potty. , I think communication and constantly reminding them to go potty is imporant. Even though my oldest has been potty trained for almost 2 years, she still has to be reminded to go potty becasue she is too busy playing, too involved in her own little world. :) Reward systems are great, They are incentives to get the child to make the right choices and when something is done on a regular basis, it becomes a habit so use stickers, marbels, whatever will get the child's attention and eventually it will happen, just takes time..

Read Replies to this Message

jettav

User Mood
Peaceful

Message Emote
happy

July 26, 2005, 2:18 pm PDT

choosing our battles

Quote From: sunshl

I SEEM TO BE LOSING CONTROL OF THE MOTHER DAUGHTER RESPECT FROM MY 13 VERY SOON TO BE 14 Y/O DAUGHTER.... SHE IS A BEAUTIFUL, TALL THIN PRETTY GIRL, I DONT WANT HER TO DRESS WITH SHORT SHORTS ON OR A BELLY SHIRT, I DONT LIKE HER TO WEAR THE MAKE UP I TRY TO TELL HER SHE DOESNT NEED IT, BUT OVER TIME I HAVE SHUFFLED HER AROUND TO MANY DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES, AND I FEEL LIKE SHE IS NOW REBELLING FOR TIMES I MAY NOT HAVE BEEN THERE, OR SHE FEELS I DONT LOVE HER.... SHE IS NOW STARTING TO RAISE HER VOICE THROW TGINGS IN THE HOUSE, AND STOP OFF. HER ATTITUDE STINKS.. VERY SNOOTY SNAPPY. SHE HAS A 6 Y/O SISTER, WHO I DONT WANT TO PICK UP THESE AWFUL TRAITS. IM NOT SURE HOW TO HANDLE THIS, AS ANY STORY THERE IS MUCH MORE TO IT THAN THIS, BUT JUST TO GET A HANDLE ON THE ATTITUDE, OR THE GLARING LOOKS THAT BURN A HOLE THROUGH YOU......HELP ME START A GREAT FUTURE WITH MY CHILDREN, NOT AN EASY END.....

I think it is imporant to choose our battles even when it comes to our children. We may not like everything they do but if it is something that isn't gonna hurt them or just becasue we wouldn't do/wear something doesn't mean it so bad. communication is very imporant and I think if parents sat down with their kids on a regular basis and tried talking to them and discuss the rules and boundaries of the home together and even involving the older kids in helping with the rules and consequences, maybe some things would get better. I think there comes a time when we need to allow our kids to develop into their own personalities and likes, so what if she wants to wear make up, maybe take her to a Mary Kay party or something so she can learn how to wear it the right way. Make compromises with her about her clothes, come up with an agreement together, kinda let her take charge but yet have the boundaries for her to go by. Don't listen to the snooty attitude, remind her that she lives inyour home that you are providing for her and if she wants respect then she must respect you as well as the other way around, we teach people how to treat us, My children are still a bit young but even now I choose my battles and I have sat my 4 in half year old down and discussed some boundaries and have even made some compromises without crossing boundaries. It is possible to come to a happy medium wioth out so much tension. I know some kids are stronger willed then others but we must be firm and consistent and at the same time loving, caring and understanding, and realizing that they are they're own person and we need to encourage them to become the best that they can be but with out discouraging and saying "NO" to everything. I have worked with a few teens with home issues and really all they want is to be heard and to develop into their own beings and I think respect and encouragement are two good keys to help this to be achieved and sticking with boundaries and all is possible if the teen feels heard and accepted.

Read Replies to this Message

jettav

User Mood
Peaceful

Message Emote

July 26, 2005, 4:35 pm PDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: mrscc2003

I was re-married two years ago and I do enjoy being married to my husband. He truely is a great guy. He has a daughter who I love like she was my own. However, I am feeling very slighted over the time he spends with her. I do not mind that he spends time with her, its what he does with her. He does things with her that I would enjoy. My family recently purchased a beach home and he took her there go drive around, and boat around. I have not had the opportunity to do that because the home was gutted, so any time down at the beach has been for work purposes so far. He takes her to sculpture parks, museums, helicopter rides and we barely get out. One of the things I fell in love with about him was the wonderful father that he is, I just didnt know that I would not be included in any of the fun stuff. I tell him how I feel but the fact is that its over and he will not stop doing these things with his daughter, and he wants to spend time alone with her so I am not invited. It makes me sad and I feel like I never get a "first" with him. any advice?

it is very imporant for couples to spend some time together and I would suggest that you and he have a talk and figure out at least once a month whatever would work and have a day set aside where it is just the two of you. Marriage is about love and respect and honoring one another. You also need to respect the time that he has with his daughter, there is absolutely nothing wrong with him spending this time with his daughter and you need to make that clear to him but he needs to make you a high priority as well if he wants this marriage to last a life time. Balancing family and marriage is not always easy but it is possible, you need to talk to him about how he feels about your marriage and what the two of you can do to make both of you happy and content with being a family. We all have needs and desires and deserve to have them met.

Read Replies to this Message

jettav

User Mood
Peaceful

Message Emote

July 26, 2005, 8:24 pm PDT

Spanking: Useful or Cruel?

Quote From: susan876

parents don't spank because their child is difficult but by their upbringing.

Those from spankers often can't be satisfied and drum up a wild child.

My uncles and aunts were hit with sticks and some with fists. One hit

her husband with a bat and was so mean her children ranawayand one became

a sadio-masic suicide. One ranaway became a drunk and commited suicide.

One periodically bloodlyed up hers who became a druggie child molester.

Anotherraped and one icepick killed someone. They were affection starved

from violence and and driven to violent behavior by spankings.A lot were destroyed emotionally

and mentally for years.At all levels of violence for three generations they were drove crazy by it.

I've never seen occasional hitters or control from it. Friends and neighbors who

were like that had kids who lost half their brain to drugs. Several hundred people

spouse bashed raved and then drugged kids they ruined. One of the soninlaws

hits up and down his kids backbone with his fist.A lot of it was within so called

common treatment of children from prospankers.

It is addictive for displacing rage and the hell with the child.

What you have discribed here is abuse, not a spanking. Now, if I understand your message (correct me if I am wrong,as I am really not sure)you seem to think that those who were spanked end up abusing their own children.And if this is what you are saying, you are dead wrong. I know many people, including myself who was spanked but I have never once abused my children. There is a big difference between a spank on the bottom and abuse. As a matter of fact I was abused in another way, spanking has absolutely nothing to do with the abuse that I encountered as a child, but I do not abuse my children in no way, shape or form.I agree that a child's upbringing can have a great affect on them as they become adults but with love and encouragement, and good role models, they can end the cycle of abuse or whatever went wrong in their home, believe me, I know. And I believe that if one was abused as a child, chances are they will abuse as well, I see it all the time, but thankfully I for one am not an abuser and I love and respect my children more then words can describe and I have absolutely no problem with a parent who spanks and I do agree that spanking can end up in an abuse situation as I believe all forms of positive discipline can end up being abuse.

Read Replies to this Message

jettav

User Mood
Peaceful

Message Emote

July 26, 2005, 8:39 pm PDT

Pre-school

Quote From: tracee

My 4 year old son is starting preschool in 34 days. I've prepared him mentaly and he is excited. I'm not. I've already decided I will drive him for at least 2 weeks. I know I wont get away with much more than that because in preschool the biggest thing is the school bus. How can I get over the anxiety? What should I tell myself when I start to worry about him not being taken care of. I'm so scared he will get seriouslyhurt and no one will call me.

We are sending our 4 year old daughter to preschool as well, as a stay at home mom, I know exactly what you are feeling, but I really don't have too much anxiety about it (at least not at this point) She loves being around people and the main reason why we are sending her is becasue she wants to be like her friends and go to school. LOL I am driving her back and forth and she is only going three days a week for the 2 in half hour program. She will be attending a christian preschool that I am familiar with and you bet that I will be sticking around for a bit to get her settled and make sure she is fine(which with her personality, I have no need to worry). I think preparing them the best that we can is imporant but more imporant I think is to keep the communication lines open with them on a regular basis, talk to your son about his day, and his favorite activities and and whatever else you can think of. My daughter is smart and very alert and she will tell me everything that is going on. I don't think it is easy for any one sending their child off to school for the first time but I think as parents if we are alert and aware of our children's surrondings everything will be ok. Of course I pray alot and I am sure I will be doing plenty of it. :)

Read Replies to this Message

jettav

User Mood
Peaceful

Message Emote
happy

July 26, 2005, 9:00 pm PDT

manipulation!

Quote From: brandyfra

My husband and I have been arguing all day. It first started when I woke up to see that our 7month old son had no formula and my husband took ALL the money to work with him except what he had in our safety deposit box at home. I got in it and got some money out to get our son some formula because I could not get intouch with my husband. When my husband finally called I had already left the house so I told him what I did and he got very mad at me for taking the money(even though it was to get our son formula). When he got mad and started yelling at me over the phone I told him that I have had it with his attitude and told him I was going to leave so we (me and our kids) wouldnt be such an incovience to him anymore. When I got home to get some stuff together he wasnt here so I had some time to cool off and think about things before I left. I found out he had taken ALL the money in the safety box to work with him well he took the whole box. On top of him not helping me with the kids and the household chores he wants to be an ass about the money and stuff. I am so stressed out all the time i find myself crying. I wrote my husband an email to tell him we needed to sit down and talk about our problems. When he got home he read it and I basically wasted my time and made my carpal tunnel flare up by typing it. He didnt want to talk about anything he just wanted to sit infront of the computer and let people tell him how to spend his money(money that we dont really have). I asked him to get up and pick his military gear up and put all of it in one spot...That doesnt get done he is sleeping in the recliner right now like I never asked him to do anything. I am at my wits end. I dont know what to do. He doesnt want to talk about our problems he never wants to spend anytime together. He would rather sleep than spend time with his family. I need some help....Do I leave and make him realize he has a great family? or do I wait and see if things will get better. I have left before but he told me he was going to kill himself so all of our money problems will go away and our kids will never have to want for anything because if he dies I get 250,000 $. That just broke my heart because I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. HELP ME PLEASE!!!

this guy is manipulating you to stay and be treated like crap. he is very self centered and has no respect for you and your family, you need to step up to the plate and quit letting him treat you like this. Now, I believe in marriage 100% and believe that it takes two to make it strong and healthy but I also believe that it only takes one to get the ball rolling and I agree with what Dr. Phil says, that one should earn their way out of the marriage, meaning that you need to do everything possible, in your power to make things work. Go to counseling whether he agrees to go or not, let him know on a regular basis how you feel about him and the situation and what you are doing to help your marriage. Maybe get Dr. Phils relationship rescue book and read it whether he reads it with you or not. Actions speak louder then words and mabe if he sees you making some effort, maybe he will change. And if need to leave him, I am not saying divorce, as I believe that is a cop out for most people.I think if you threaten to leave then you need to do it, it could be a big eye opener to him, don't let him manipulate you by telling you things he is gonna do or whatever, that is nothing but a cop out. Marriage is about love and respect and honor and it it isn't there, then the marriage will fail but I have seen many failed marriages actually work out, it is possible but takes a lot of work, do your part but yet, don't let him manipulate you, make him own up to his choices and his part of the marriage, then in the end no matter what happens, you will be able to stand tall and know that you did everything possible to save your marriage. It can be hard at times, pray and follow your heart and do your part.

Read Replies to this Message

jettav

User Mood
Peaceful

Message Emote

July 27, 2005, 5:00 pm PDT

Potty Training

Quote From: tawnia80

Hey all I am a mom of 4 kids 10,4.5, 3.5and 2.5. And I must say that Potty Training has been A big PROB. With the 3 youngest ones My 4 yr old is ADHD/AUTISM and my 3 yr old also has Prob and i must say i have tried everything that i can think of it seems like my 4 yr old only wants to go when he wants to go and its not always in the potty same thing with my 3 yr old and well i haven't even tried with my 2 yr old i feel like i am going crazy any idea would be of great help

Maybe you can start by putting a sticker chart up for each of them and whenever they do go in the potty, praise them and put a sticker on the chart and when they get so many stickers they will get a little special prize/treat and maybe they will sort of feed off of each other here, I am sure if one gets a sticker another will want one as well. or maybe just start by working with the oldest first and go from there. I think if it were me, I would hold off on the 2 year old, maybe concentrate on the two older ones, especially the oldest. Maybe even do the marble trick that another person mentioned, whenever they go potty, they get a marble in their jar and if they have an accident, take a marble out and when they get it so full they get a prize. incentives are good and even a little competition is not a bad thing. It has to be consistent and maybe putting them on a potty schedule is the thing to do here, set a timer and whenever the time goes off they must go potty. May be time consuming and in your case, maybe just start with the oldest and at least get him on a schedule.

Read Replies to this Message

jettav

User Mood
Peaceful

Message Emote

July 28, 2005, 6:51 am PDT

Hi Queentween

Quote From: queentween

I can understand how you all are feeling. Its really tough to get back on top of the world when you feel like everyone is trying to stand on top of you. It would be great to win powerball, but that isn't going to happen. If you take that $1 you spend 2 times a week, at the end of the year, you have $104- enough for an electric light bill. If you stop buying soda at the convenience store for .99, and instead buy it in cases at the discount place, you can save about $20. (24 pack is about $5, or 24 sodas at the convenience store=$24) If you can refrain from buying lunch and dinner at a fast food place, and instead eat at home, you can save a lot. The thing is, you can't save a thousand dollars today, but you can save $1. And soon, that $1 will turn into $100. All I can say is educate your children. The money you spend on educational costs like tuition, books, etc is much better spent than on bail, rehab places and emotional stress......

You are exactly right and I was just actually thinking about this a couple days ago and was going to post something similar on a nother board but haven't done it yet, maybe today is the day. These are the kind of things that we try to do in our home, but we do still goout as my 4 year old loves going to restaurantes. We don't buy desserts for home too often, we just eat them uo too fast, we don't buy too much soda any more as we are cutting that out of our diet, water is better for a person :). I freeze left overs so hubby doesn't have to eat out as he is working two jobs right now. We save our change and put it in a container and that adds up quickly. there certainly are ways of cutting corners. Any way, good seeing you on the boards again.

Read Replies to this Message

Message Boards

Messages By: jettav

I am a survivor

Parenting is a two person job/privelege

potty training

choosing our battles

Balancing Marriage and Family

Spanking: Useful or Cruel?

Pre-school

manipulation!

Potty Training

Hi Queentween