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I have been in a relationship with S for over five years now. I love him and want to marry him. He does not want to get married. Well, I assume he doesn't. We haven't talked about it in two years and he hasn't popped the question. Last time we discussed it he told me that he loves me but not enough for forever. My self-esteem was so low that I stayed with him anyway. How pitiful is that?   

There are good and bad things about our relationship, as there is in all relationships. My problem with it is that he will not make that ultimate commitment to me. I don't think I can live the rest of my life with things the way they are now. I don't want to be dating for the rest of my life. 

I recently joined a social club and have made many new friends. Some of the friends are male and they have expressed an interest in dating me. One part of me wants to tell S that I can no longer put my life on hold hoping he will change his mind about marrying me and start dating other people.  Another part of me goes into a panic thinking about life without him. I love him and am afraid if I leave him it will be a terrible mistake.  I mean, what if he does eventually change his mind? Silly, I know. I've been waiting five years for him. 

I can empathize with you and your situation. Although there was no other woman involved in my situation I have the same feelings for my ex that you are having. We were together 5 1/2 years.  I finally mustered up the courage to tell him that I wanted to get married. I now realize how sad it is that I had to have courage to tell him my feelings. His response to me was that he never wanted a long-term, committed relationship in the first place and that he loved me but not enough for forever.  He then refused to see me and for a while would not answer emails or phone calls. I was devastated. So hurt and stunned that I was physically ill for weeks. But, just like you, even though the guy acted like a selfish jerk, I still tell myself that I love him. I send him emails, letters and call him, professing my love to him. He laps it up. He refuses to see me but drops little crumbs of communication to keep me hanging on.  For what reason, I don't know. Perhaps so that if he decides he wants me back someday I'll be waiting like a desperate dog? 

You obviously don't have to fear being alone because you have friends to go out with. Guys are interested in you. Same for me. I have a wonderful support system.  My only explanation is that our self-esteem is in the gutter. Some sick craving for these men who treat us like crap even though we are wonderful women.   

Don't let yourself get to where I am.  I am 43 years old and still feeling this way!  I'll make a deal with you.  Let's both pull ourselves out of this familiar, dark, scarey hole into the sunshine.  What the hell do we think we'll lose by letting these losers go?  Imagine what we will gain!  I'm taking a deep breath now.... 

My relationship of 5 1/2 years finally ended. He has refused to see me for the past two months. I wanted to get married. He did not. He will not discuss possible compromises, which I am willing to do. I love him with all my heart and miss him so badly that I can hardly function normally.  I have to force myself to go through the motions of basic living every day. I've been in therapy and it is no help at all.  

I can't survive much longer with the feelings I have.  I don't know what to do or where to turn. I thank God every day for the love of my family and friends. They keep me alive. Without them I would just end my life to end the suffering.  Can someone help me? How does a person move on when it feels like your world has ended? 

I thank you for your reply.  I know all the things that you said are true in my head. It seems so difficult to take them to heart.  Sometimes I feel that my reaction to this situation is childish but I think that is not a bad thing. I have come to realize (just today, believe it or not) that my ex is almost a carbon copy of my father. When I did not get the validation, love and acceptance that I was seeking it was the exact feelings I had when I did not get these things from my father. Weird but true.  My goal is to figure out how am I going to fulfill these needs on my own.  I can't live my life depending on the approval of other people to make me feel worthwhile.  

Right now all I can do is live moment by moment and pray to God every second to let me remember that I am not alone.  I never thought just staying alive could be this hard. 

Blessings to you. 

My boyfriend of 5 1/2 years broke up with me as soon as I told him that I wanted us to get married. He has refused to see me since the day I told him this (02/18/06).  He will ocassionally email and call me but absolutely refuses to see me.  He says that he does not know if he wants to be with me, does not know if he will ever want to get married, that he misses me, etc. Those words and the fact that he is not seeing anyone else and still keeps in contact with me keeps me hanging on.  I love him. I miss him. I want to marry him. But after almost 5 months of emotional torture I feel I have to start working on letting him go. If he really loved me and wanted to be with me he would be. Sometimes I feel like he is keeping me on a string "just in case" something better doesn't turn up.  Just in case he changes his mind in the future I'll be on the sideline waiting.  I can't seem to figure out how to just give up and move on.  I think of him every day.  I have to force myself not to call or email him. I am miserable and just want to feel happy again.  I'm afraid that if I stop trying he'll think I've stopped caring.    

The funny, or not so funny, thing is that there is another man who wants to be with me and I can't even focus on him right now. I'm afraid that I will lose him too because of this.  Can someone help me?  

Thank you for your response.  No, we never lived together. As a matter of fact I was willing to live with him if he was so opposed to marriage.  He balked at that also. He says that he likes living alone, doesn't feel the need for a 24/7 relationship. He lived with someone once for 5 years and she left him.  Sometimes I wonder if that is why he won't allow himself to get emotionally close to me.  So that he won't be hurt like that again.  

It is not marriage that I want so badly....it is the development of our relationship and a life together that is so important.  I could care less about the pomp and circumstance of the whole wedding ceremony.  

You are right when you say that he will come back to me if/when he is ready. He may never come back and I have to accept that and live my life. All my sadness, all my longing, all my tears and pain make no difference in the matter except to make me miserable.  Thank you for reminding me to be a strong and confident woman.  I have had a lifetime of low self-esteem and lack of confidence.  I have to look at it as one of the lessons I am supposed to learn on this journey of life.  It's just so darned difficult!   When I feel like dying from the pain I'll just consider it growing pains and know that I'll be okay.  He's not the be-all and end-all in my life.   Now, if I can convince myself of everything I just said....  

Thank you for sharing your story dee. It helps to hear about how other's have survived similar situations. Are you sure we didn't date the same guy?  My b/f also used to go on expensive ski trips and leave me behind too!  I was strong for about a week until he called me.  I have to give myself credit and say that I did not recognize the phone number on caller ID so I did not know it was him until I answered. He just wanted to shoot the breeze. But funny thing is that I did not disolve into hysterical tears the way I usually do after our conversations. If anything it just made me realize what I'm NOT missing by being with him. His anger, criticism, arrogance, self-centeredness, coldness, being taken for granted...   I go out a lot with friends so I'm not sitting around the house dwelling on my sadness.  Sometimes I will think to myself, when I'm out having fun, "If J and I were still together I wouldn't be doing this.  I'd be sitting on his sofa watching TV or helping him with his chores."  And that's the truth. We rarely went out and had fun together.  I still can't figure out what the attraction is for me to him.  We are total opposites as far as personalities go.  He could be funny every once in a while, he did help me maintain my truck, he is gorgeous, is financially secure, has a beautiful home...but those things are just superficial.  He never really made an emotional commitment to me.  

I have been dating a man for 6 months. We started dating just after the breakup of my relationship of 5 1/2 years with another man.  Even though my new boyfriend is a very good man I realize that I was not and am not ready for another committed relationship. I made a mistake. I would like to date him but don't want an exclusive or a sexual relationship with him or anyone else right now. I'm not sure how to tell him this. He does not know that he is a "rebound" relationship and I wouldn't want him to know for fear of hurting him.

My father shot himself in the head on 12/23/06 in my parent's bedroom. He was 65 years old. My mom and two nephews, ages 7 and 10 were there when he did it. Thank God they did not witness it. 

Mom said my father had been more irritable than usual for the couple of days before he killed himself. She even called me to cancel our family Xmas gather because of his demeanor. She blames herself because they had a heated argument that night. Of course I have assured her over and over that she is not to blame.

My father has been depressed his entire life. He had chronic physical health problems too. My 35 year old sister, to whom he was very close, passed away 2/2000.  I guess all that combined was just too much for him to bear any longer.

I feel so terrible that none of us recognized the severity of his depression. I just thought he was a hateful, unhappy man. At first I was so angry with him I couldn't see straight. He had cowed my mom to the point that she had no idea what their financial situation was. Hell, she didn't even know how to access their bank account online or who their phone service was with.  We also discovered that my father had $40,000 in credit card debt, unknown to my mom. I was spitting mad. 

Now that things have calmed down a bit I am finding that I am thinking more and more about the horror of what he did, of what my mom must be going through. I feel helpless. I can't control her pain.  I am trying very hard to lose this anger I have against my dad.  This past week I pulled out some photos showing him during happier times and that helped.

How does one get through something so horrible? How do you ever move on to live a "normal" life? I'm really scared of what the future will be for my family.