Messages By: julie42

Extreme Parenting: 

My story is the one featured on the Oct 27 show, and my daughter and I are still living apart from my husband.   Doing the show was enlightening, and I have since read Dr. Phil's book Family First.   

I wished we could work it out, but the show did not cover all of the issues our family has faced, there just wasn't time.   

One point that did not come up is that my husband "talks" to me in the same way he was to my daughter, and he claims that I have an unbalanced "filter system" emotionally which makes me perceive his aggressive approach to dealing with every aspect of our lives in an exaggerated sense.  I just didn't really know, to be honest.  All I knew for sure is that I was constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to make him angry over anything, afraid I'd say something wrong unknowingly and make him angry.   

Oh, believe me, I don't think that everything wrong in our relationship is entirely his fault.  I also know how important discipline, and consistency are for a child.  I admit that I have been more passive in my approach to dealing with my daughter - perhaps, over-compensative for the stress of dealing with his anger.  And I know that it only creates more confusion in a child's mind.  I think Dr. Phil is right on, parents need to be a TEAM, and focus on the needs of a child together, believing in the approach to discipline in the same manner and backing each other up.   When a child knows what to expect then it seems much less likely to be a matter of contention, and, a child would be less likely to "play off" one parent on the other- which I am sure we all can relate to one way or another!!     

I was confused and uncertain about what was going on for so long.  When you live with someone who seems to be angry all the time, who tends to focus on all your negative points, constantly corrects you, constantly criticizes you and belittles you, then says it is all in humor and to get over being so sensitive...well, I had to wonder, IS it me?  AM I the problem here?   

I wonder if there is anyone else out there who struggles with this kind of situation.  All that matters to me is that my daughter has a happy stable home, and knows that she is loved, knows that she is safe and protected, and that she can depend on her parent(s)!  No one is perfect, for sure, and I don't ever want to be perceived as the "victim" in a perpetual way, we all have the capacity to manage our lives, basically.  Part of what motivated me is the realization that I have in many ways, lost my "Self"; and as Dr. Phil says, we must keep and protect this personal identity within.  We must do this in order to survive emotionally, and certainly we must take care of our selves so that we can take care of our children, and our relationships.   

So, I hope that perhaps my story can inspire someone who may be in doubt about what is right, as I have been.  I know that my husband cares about us both, in his way, and that he believes he is right.   I absolutely respect him as a veteran and for his service to this country in the military.  He often compares himself to the character in the movie "The Great Santini" about a marine corps sergeant...if any of you out there have watched that movie then you have a good notion of how my husband is.  I also admit it took a great deal of courage for him to do this show, so...we take it one day at a time, and I am devoted to rebuilding my life, and that of my daughter. 

Wish us luck.  My thanks to Dr. Phil and the producers of the show. 

Julie42 

Our show aired today and I think it went very well.  I really appreciate all the words of support and the sharing that has been reflected on the message boards.      

My husband feels vindicated in his actions.   He is angry with me over this and blames me for all the problems we have.  I was so nervous when we did the show I thought my voice would shake really bad.  Even sitting up there with Dr. Phil I felt afraid for some reason.  I don't like to see anyone get hurt.  Truly, honestly, all I want is to see everyone happy and content.   

We are still seperated and my position has not changed.  Robyn deserves a reasonably stable home and a loving, supportive atmosphere.  She IS my priority now and that is all there is to it! 

Dr. Phil and his wife Robin are the GREATEST, as are all the producers we worked with.  Thank you again for all the support!  I don't feel as alone and scared as I did.  Hopefully, by doing this show, we can help make a difference for the better, and we will start with ourselves. 

Julie42  

Jennifer, I will read this book, and hopefully I can get Nathan to also. 

Thanks  

Julie42 

Your response to that comment is very astute.  If I were too lax in my manner of discipline, I would agree.  It was not discussed how I actually do discipline my daughter - and, my style is to communicate, with consistency, like my first letter said.  Everyone has limits, but I absolutely do not encourage any disrespect.  I believe in communication and discussion, where appropriate and warranted. 

The explosive reactions by my husband were immediate and seldom had "multiple warnings".  Another important note:  a military background isn't the problem here, it is about personal responsiblity.  Plain and simple!   

Thanks again! 

Julie42 

I am looking in to having the contract posted...FYI.  It would be interesting to see what people think.   

I have to agree once again!  

 Many folks seem to have taken the position that I don't discipline my daughter at all, and that I expected my husband to be the "bad guy".  Not true!  As I said before, I believe in discussing issues that inevitably arise with my daughter, and I trust her intelligence to understand.   

As for the conditions brought up on the show, sadly, what I saw happening with Robyn is the more that Nathan aggressively confronted her, the less responsive she became, and basic chores that she had handled without much question prior she became negligent with in a subtle, "passive-aggressive" manner.   

To explain another point: before I married Nathan, Robyn didn't have a set dinnertime because I worked full time + and often didn't get home until odd hours.  Same for bedtime - though she was always to bed at a decent hour.  As a single mom her whole life, I had to juggle a lot of schedules and it just wasn't possible to be consistent in that way.  When Nathan and I married, she was eight years old and a very bright, articulate child.   

I just felt so helpless - I couldn't even believe the things that constituted "infractions" to Nathan - mind you, some things WERE legitimate, no one is perfect! but the majority was overkill.  I do not want to appear to justify any inappropriate behavior on her part, because like Dr. Phil says, that doesn't do her any good, either.  I know that you can effectively discipline a child without raising your voice, or striking them, or "terrorizing" them.   

One day Nathan said straight out that he wanted to break her spirit.   Nathan took every little thing she did or said as disrespectful or sassy.  When she did try to explain, it was defiance, as far as he was concerned.   

The longer it went on the more withdrawn and quiet she became.  Her grades went from all A's to C's and B's - and, she looked sad all the time.  I realized that there was way more going on emotionally than frustration over discipline.   

It is easy to make a judgment from a bit of information.  I don't expect everyone to understand.  My intention was to create awareness, and to help Nathan see how it really is from her point of view - and mine.  I just don't believe in screaming to get a point across, nor in terrorizing someone to gain "respect".   

Dr. Phil is absolutely correct - it is MY job to discipline my daughter, and I have to maintain consistency, communication and expectation.  With that, I believe my daughter will grow up to be strong, self assured and responsible, and be the best that she can be at whatever she decides to be.  I believe in her and I will not compromise my faith in her, nor her right to be safe and happy!  I pray for Nathan every single day and I hope that regardless of the outcome that everyone is OK.  I won't back down from doing what is right.  Thank you again to everyone who has shown support.  For those of you who have suffered in your lives over similar circumstances, I promise that my daughter will be safe.  Perhaps we will be able to find a way to work through this as a family.  I want things to work out for the best.   

Thank you again to everyone for your input - either way! 

Julie42 

In answer to your question, I believe that it wouldn't matter if Robyn were a boy.  Nathan has two grown sons and I have an adult son, (he's twenty six).  He had the same approach with them and he has also been very critical of my son.   

I feel deeply for Dr. Wilson and his wife.  Such accusations result in so much pain and grief.  Our community would be honored to have such educators!  You would be welcome in mid-Michigan, Dr. Wilson. 

Keep the Faith.  There are those who will remember the good you have done, whose lives will be better for your efforts.  Don't give up on all your hard work. 

Sincerely, 

Julie 

My sister, Mary is the one who bravely faced everyone on this show and I can assure you that comments like that are way off!  Even if you think that your helping by saying that, you have to understand that those kind of comments are going to plant ideas and fear where it should not be.  Mary has read the bible and asked God to forgive her in Jesus' name, and even with that peace still fears hell because the voices try to coerce her thinking.  She is strong and needs to be praised for her courage.   

One can only imagine the fear and the confusion that must go through her mind.  As her sibling I can tell everyone that she is an awesome person and a wonderful sister.  Even with all that she has had to face she has held up strong for her family, and I for one am damn proud of her. 

Hang in there!  Peace. 

Wow.  So many opinions on this one, myself included.  It seems to me that Tracy has some self esteem issues, and I know from personal experience that anyone can fall into a trap, reaching a point where you almost believe the BS that a controlling and manipulative spouse/significant other can dish out.  This guy has to be kidding himself, he absolutely does not deserve any kind of chance after what he has done - and to top it off, he tried consistently to justify his position, as if his wife is the one who has to actually consider what this weenie is saying as possibly legitimate!!!   

Tracy,  get out and find yourself!  You are a beautiful woman who has a lot more strength inside than you might think.  I believe you can find peace and happiness - without this relationship.  I don't think he will ever change, not when he has the audacity to say to the entire world that he is "hooked" on the idea of sex with this other woman.  What a load of crap.  Looking at the two of you, clearly you are attractive, intelligent and you care enough to even talk about this.  He had his chance.  Move on!  I wish you the best of luck.