Messages By: julie42

I HEAR YOU!!  I too am a woman, 5'5, 165 lbs and damn proud of it!!!  I work out regularly, TRY to eat right and regret having spent most of my life worrying about how thin I should be...it got me NOTHING and I am still fit, happy, and anyone who doesn't like it can stuff it!!

I prefer to know that I am accepted and appreciated for who I AM, not some ridiculous image that is sure to change with time......

Almost thirty years ago. I was a 14 year old runaway myself.  Yeah, I sure did know it all then, I was smarter than anyone else, had the wit and capacity to survive.  NOT!!!  My whole life has been completely different than it probably could and should have been.  It was my choice: but it was WRONG!! 

AMANDA IS WRONG!!! Amanda's parents obviously have problems but they care enough to be there for her.  Amanda is NOT an adult.  Period.  She needs to be kept away from that boyfriend and his family, who clearly have no respect for Amanda's parents and ought to be prosecuted for breaking the law.

If she were my kid, I can tell you for sure, even with my experience, I would NAIL those people and do whatever it takes to keep my child SAFE.

Discipline is NOT abuse.  NO discipline IS.

ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This guy Michael needs to be PROSECUTED and convicted to the fullest extent of the law for his involvment in this child's life.  He took her from her mother, forget that she "agreed" to go with him, she is a CHILD.  This guy has to be a COLOSSAL PERVERT!!!!  No child of 12,13, 14, 15 or 16 years of age is capable of knowing the impact of a choice like that.  Anyone who really thinks so is WRONG.  And, I believe I can talk about this.  Because I KNOW.  I lived it.

I am a forty three year old woman who lived with her "boyfriend" who was seven years older than I when I was fourteen.  I was in the ninth grade, when he moved in with my Mother and I, and within the first six months I got pregnant.  We got married when I was fifteen years old.  We had to go to court to get married, and to show proof that I was pregnant to the judge.  My mother had to sign papers allowing it.

Now, the child we had together is grown up, and we also have a fourteen year old daughter.  I can tell you all right now, and please forgive the seeming hypocrisy,  I just couldn't allow my own daughter to live in the way that I did. I loved my husband dearly, who I was married to for seventeen years,  but he completely agrees with me that our own daughter must be held to a higher standard of behavior than I did personally. At fourteen, I wasn't raped, and we were married, but I will be the first to tell you that I HAD NO BUSINESS BEING INVOLVED IN A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP AT FOURTEEN YEARS OLD!!!  I was too young to be where I was, PERIOD. 

In today's world, we can't afford to take chances with all the dangers and threats that exist to perpetuate children and young adults.  The times were simpler thirty years ago.  I can't justify what WE did, it was irresponsible and wrong, without question.  At least I can say that we made the best of our life together.  Today, I honestly think my daughter's father would shoot any man who tried to instigate himself in our daughter's life, the way he got involved in mine.  There is no way on earth that we could tolerate it.  We care too much about her, her whole life, and her future.  We both want her to go to college,  and to have a chance to grow up before she gets involved in something that is too complicated for most adults, let alone a child. 

Your story is incredible, and it really bothers me that protective services didn't intervene more.  I sure hope that everything works out for you.  It also scares me a little bit.  I can't bear the thought of my daughter ending up like that, or, even like I did.  She accuses me of being paranoid sometimes.  I'd rather have her think I am than be too lax and possibly lose her.  Though, I must say, even when you are on top of things with kids, sometimes they still stray.  All we can do is be strong, consistent, and let them know we love them.  I will pray for you.  I hope you are able to reconcile with your child, and to see your grandchild.  That swine that she hooked up with needs to be locked up.  Good luck to you. 

Predators, BEWARE.  There are a lot of parents out here who are learning from the unfortunate experiences of these stories:  and the law is against those of you who think you can justify what you do.  I don't care if that fourteen or sixteen year old girl (or BOY) wants to get involved.  I don't care if you believe that they know what they want.  THEY CANNOT, AND DO NOT KNOW!!  At that age, it is impossible to completely understand. Don't tell me that these children aren't victims. They are, and anyone who violates a child needs to be in prison.  PERIOD!!!!!!

This is a tough one.  As far as I am concerned, that woman who is pregnant and clearly unable to provide support for herself and her children needs HELP, to see that she is indeed responsible for the situation she is currently in.  At the same time, the guy "Pete" is a joke, and his comments prove how very much he does NOT care about the well-being of his child.  I agree it's a tough one, but both of these people put themselves and their own needs first, without any regard for those poor kids.  I feel I can talk, too.  I am the eldest of four girls, whose Mother is mentally ill and a drug addict.  In the mid-seventies, our parents divorced (our mom divorced our dad) and our father couldn't get custody of us.  He fought the system for years.  He worked hard and had a good job.  He knew that there was drug use and dealing, major kegger parties, and a host of other unmentionable activities in the home where we lived with our Mom, and he still paid his child support, all the while continuing to fight for custody.  Finally, in 1977, the court awarded him custody of us girls.   Our Dad went through HELL for us kids.  Period.  He never complained about his responsibility, even when his child support was so high he was forced to live with our Grandma, since he couldn't pay support and pay rent at the time.   Still, he put OUR needs above his own.   

Even after being forced to go bankrupt, he worked through it, eventually making full restitution and rebuilding his own life admirably.  Obviously, our father is our HERO.  It wasn't easy for him, when he got custody none of us wanted to leave our mother, who we were very protective of.   But, he didn't give up on us, not once.  He taught us that the needs of our own children must take priority,  and he showed us this by EXAMPLE, in spite of a system that made it very hard for him to do what was right. 

Why is that so hard for people to figure out these days??

I spent four and a half years trying to understand a violent and abusive control freak, only to realize the impossible, that I thought I could "fix" him....if I loved him enough, supported him enough, gave him what he wanted and needed, if I sacrificed enough, he'd change, be happier, be kinder, gentler, more loving, stop using drugs and drinking.  I kept believing that eventually he'd be better, and love me back the way I wanted and needed to be loved.  I know now that it can't be done - not that way.  It took me waking up with a knife to my throat to realize it, and my child was in the next room.   I thank God we got away at all!

Even with all that, it was scary, difficult and no matter how right it is, there are times I would second guess myself.  NOW, I say - Stay strong and GET AWAY!!  One day you'll wake up and realize that it does get better, you'll be able to smile and know you have your LIFE back.  It's worth it.  YOU are worth it!

Is there any proof at all that you WERE involved in the deal?  Because if there isn't, except for this "ex-friend's" word, even the word of the "boss", then I'd suggest you counter with the same. As long as there isn't proof, in writing, that you were personally responsible in any way for what the lawsuit is claiming, then it goes both ways. 

I'd just write off this person as a friend, too - I know it hurts, having been through something similar to that myself, but this person obviously has no regard for you, and clearly, is not worthy of your friendship.  If I were you, I'd tell her straight up - how much you are hurt, and why. Say it much like you wrote it, to the point, direct, and honest.  

Good luck.  

Julia

I was amazed that this man subjected himself to this, and wonder if he really had the idea that he might get some kind of verification from Dr Phil that he could use to justify his behavior. Most relationships face difficult obstacles at one point or another nowadays. I honestly do understand.

My ex-husband is a bully, too.  Sadly, men like this are really tormented souls.  They really don't believe that they are wrong, they say they are, and try to make everyone think they want to change, but I really don't think it's possible for most abusers.  They always blame someone else: especially the woman.  I heard it again and again: if I hadn't said that, or done that, or put that in that spot, he wouldn't have gotten mad, if I hadn't been late, or laughed at something that he didn't like me to find amusing....the list goes on, and on, and on.  I began to really believe it was somehow my fault.  It went on for a long time. I had an affair, too: briefly, and desperately, yearning for what I hoped might substitute for lost love and compassion.  I was wrong.  Because of that, I blamed myself even more.  Nothing I could do would make it right.  There were times I wanted to die.  If not for my little girl, I might have.

It kept getting worse, and worse, until one horrible night,  I was awakened in the middle of the night, to find him over me with a huge knife blade to my throat.   I didn't know what on earth was going on.....he was totally drunk and telling me all he has to do is turn the blade and I am dead.  It was beyond horror.  Later, he'd accuse me of over-reacting to what he did: it was my own fault, after all.  I was terrified that he'd do something to my child, or, that she'd walk in and see that.   It was then that I knew I HAD to get OUT, if I lived another day.  And, we did. 

Jennifer, I don't believe that your husband will change.  I applaud Dr Phil for giving him a chance, and getting him some help, but I'm guessing that going back into that environment will make it start all over, maybe not immediately, but old habits die hard. 

It took a lot of courage to come forward, Jennifer,  and I think that you have taken enough.  It's time to show your beautiful kids real courage, and get out of the situation!!! Living with what they are is very hard on kids, I can tell you for sure because my own child still suffers and we've been out of there for over two years.  Healing comes, but it takes time. 

As a survivor myself, I can tell you, if you decide to leave, it is hard, and scary, but you get by.  It all works out, have faith in yourself.  You are a lovely woman, very articulate and clearly intelligent.  Value yourself. Don't give up!!  You are WORTH it, and your kids are WORTH it, you deserve a chance at security, and happiness!! It isn't too much to ask.   

This show should prove to you that you really aren't alone. Dr. Phil spoke the truth:  you cannot "Fix" him, you cannot do whatever has to be done to change him, and I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that he would have acted the exact same way whether you'd had an affair or not.  I'm not saying that it's right to commit adultery. It isn't. But it's horrible to have such doubt about yourself that you would give almost anything for a moment of acceptance and normalcy: even if it's fake.  I still believe that real relationships are out there, without violence and anger and hate and fear.  I have hope, and patience.  I realized I have to learn to like myself better.  Like I said, we are worth that.  Sounds weird but it's true. 

God Bless you, Jennifer.  Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.  I'll keep all of you, Jeffrey included, in my prayers. 

The lack of parenting on both parts here is sadly obvious.   Those kids are reacting to the situation: a situation that that they cannot control.   The disrespect shown by both parents for each other and for the children impacts the way those children will react themselves, not only now, but heaven help them as they become teenagers.  The children should not be talking to the parents that way, but, that is the only way they've learned.  Whether a step parent or not, doesn't matter.  The world is different now than it was thirty years ago.  Think about kids doing chores, helping run a farm or the household, working side by side with the parents,  doesn't often happen like that anymore.  The kind of discipline and accepted respect, and the punishments dished out in families, like getting a whipping with a leather belt,  is now termed illegal and abusive.   The definition of what is really abuse is changing and the boundaries of acceptable parenting are very different.  

The situation presented here today likely cannot be changed.  It is obvious that both these adults play into rage and reactive behaviors far too strongly and the children are probably already damaged.  The only real way to help that is to get them out of there: 

I think back to the other shows depicting extreme parenting and the complexity of too much vs. too little discipline: what it does to a child is a sad thing to see.  It is a psychological and emotional pain, and scarring that doesn't go away for a long long time.  It affects the logic and judgment of children and confuses them, and impacts the way they think even into adulthood.  How can they learn whats right in that environment?   Shannon should leave immediately!  Or, let the kids go somewhere else.   I hope Dr Phil stays on top of this one! 

I'll keep them all in my prayers.