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Messages By: kakfitz

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July 29, 2005, 10:03 am CDT

Confused Australia

Quote From: 25_01_1980

Hi there

I seem to be the first person here so I hope someone reads this and can give me some advice, I have a six year old son who has no respect for me on an emotional level. He will do everything I ask when asked but will not do his basic every day chores on his own accord and he knows to do it and will always do if he wants something, he is a very intelligent boy and I love him but I can not connect to him emotionally, He won't open up to me and talk about what he is feeling. I believe that he has some resentment towards me as I had to leave him in New zealand for a year when I came to Australia, my mom was fighting for custody of him and had a court order preventing me from taking him out of the country ( I was 18 at the time). How do I get him to open up to me so that we can talk and possibly solve some attitude issues that he has with me. I seem to be treating him like a friend more than a mom and he takes advantage of that. See how confused I am!!!!!

Confused Australia  

Hi there - Sounds pretty frustrating.

If he wont open up to you and tell you how he is feeling, he probably does not know how to articulate it.  He is, after all, 6 years old.  I think we have to learn to teach kids how to open up by confirming what they may be going though and giving them words to have the conversation.  For example "It must be frustrating for you", or "you seem angry", "You seem excited, happy, silly, etc"

 

Someone once suggested to me, that instead of asking how he (my son) is doing, to make statements that allow him to talk.  Here is an example:

 

"Mom has been pretty busy lately huh?"  (he probably will say yes)

 

"What do you think about that?" and then just wait.    (He may very well say I don't know, but at least you put it out there which, if done consistently, sends a subtle message that he can share with you)

 

"Well, pretty soon mom won't have to spend all this time studying and I will have more time to spend with you."

 

A really good book I recommend (If you are a reader) is Parenting with love and logic by Cline & Fay

 
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October 29, 2006, 11:14 pm CST

My dad is a practicing alcholic

I am 41 and this has been the pink elephant in my family closet. It is really very sad. My dad has isolated himself, we have arranged our holidays around his drinking (We try to go to his house in the early morning). Some of his wifes family has stopped serving alchohol at family functions. Some of his friends can't handle it anymore either and they have limited contact with him. 

 

He says he has 'one or two a day' but the truth is, the size of his drinking glass is more like 3 drinks in one, so technically that would make it 6. Drinking is the only coping skill he knows and he does not realize how many people have negatively been affected by it. It's hard to be around him when he is drinking because he get's emotional and it feels so disingenuous and surface based.

 

I have participated in 12 step programs for this since I was in high school. I finally got the nerve to approach him in a loving way about 8 years ago. My sisters did not participate I think because they didn't want to break the unspoken family rule (dont talk about it or create conflict it goes away) Thankfully, since I was in a 12 step program I anticipated what could happen. Suddenly I was 'pulling rabbits out of hats' and 'talking to my mother too much.' Come on now - they have been divorced for 34 years.

 

I used to be very close to my dad. I am sad that I can not have a genuine relationship with my dad because the alchohol is the cage that keeps him trapped and isolated. He has the key, sitting right there on the table and doesn't even see it.  I have dealt with ongoing depression for years (no surprises there.)  Depression runs in his family and I think that is yet another part of this.

 

I can't afford to do an intervention but know people who would participate in one. At least 15 people  (but not front the money). I am unemployed right now and if I wasn't I would do it in a heartbeat. Please send positive thoughts my way.

 

 

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