I was also molested by my maternal grandfather. Between the ages of 4 and 11, I had 5 different people assault me. Two were related, and one of those was my aunt. I have confronted all but two of my attackers. I have discussed it with the relatives. I am 34 with five children, and my fifth husband. I have learned a few things I want to share.
1. IT WASN'T MY FAULT!!!!! I watched my daughters as they grew and I realized even at 15 and 12, they still haven't been sexy or seductive in any way. How could it have been my fault? I have taught them that they can say no to any situation with any adult, including me, that makes them uncomfortable. I have been very honest with them about what happened so they will not think, "It can't happen to me."
** I had a dream once that I woke up at my grandfather's house. (this is where all of the violations happened) The house was trashed. There was broken furniture everywhere. I walked into the kitchen, and there was a little girl there. She was about 6 or 7 years old. She was covered in mud from head to toe. What really caught my eye was her piercing blue eyes. I asked her where everyone was, and she said they went with Jesus. I knew that she was too young to have been left behind during the rapture, so I asked her why she didn't go, too. She said, "You wouldn't let me." I was puzzled. Then she said, "You think I'm dirty." In that moment, I realized the little girl was me. I woke up weeping. I felt like I was damaged and dirty.**
2. THERE IS NO ACCEPTABLE REASON, SO I DO NOT NEED TO ASK "WHY?" ANYMORE. I talked to three of the people who stole my innocence. I have learned that no matter what explanation they offered, it didn't justify what had happened.
3. THE ATTACKERS STOLE THE TIME OF MY LIFE IN WHICH THEY HAPPENED, EVERY YEAR I SPENT HATING THEM AND BELIEVING I DIDN'T DESERVE A GOOD LIFE, I GAVE TO MY ATTACKERS. If someone steals your wallet, they get whatever cash you had. Would you set them up a daily paycheck after that? Anger and hatred are personal. They are inner emotions. They can only hurt the carrier, and anyone they are around. Hanging on to those feelings are like drinking battery acid. I had a horrible thing happen repeatedly in my life, but I do not have to live the rest of my life at the mercy of my attacker. I do not have to molest myself over and over again obsessing with what they did. I am a whole person. I am a strong person. I can stand in the face of adversity. I guess I can almost thank them. Maybe I wouldn't be that way if I had had an easier life.
4. WHEN MY HUSBAND TOUCHES ME, IT IS BECAUSE HE LOVES ME The line between sex and love gets really screwed up when you are molested as a child. I hope you have been completely honest with your husband about what happened to you, and how it has effected you. You and he could work together to get back to that place where sex wasn't a dirty filthy thing. There are 100 ways to make love, and they don't have to include intercourse. Buy the book "Courage to Heal". There is a lot of useful information in it, and even a chapter for your spouse.
I don't know where you are in your healing process, and it is a process, but there is hope. I am happy now. I see my grandfather and talk to him. There has been forgiveness in my heart for all of my predators for many years now. Most importantly, I have stopped holding myself accountable for being a child. I enjoy intimacy with my husband. I can love my children. I do not look for the bomb to drop when I am happy anymore. I also do not undermine my own happiness. I would love to tell every victim of this that there is hope. I would love to tell them that they are beautiful and not damaged, but if I can just start with you, and have it help, I will be satisfied.
I will be praying for you.
Angelzyn
