Messages By: aandcsmom

I have been married for almost 6 1/2 years.  My husband started having an affair a month before we were married.  That affair went on for over a year.  He chose to end the affair and stay with me.  He changed jobs and then finally quit talking to her.  Almost 3 years ago I found out he was talking to her again (by then we had moved across the country to the opposity coast).  He still goes to the West Coast to see his son.  I asked him to quit speaking to her as it hurt me and was the most hurtful thing he could continue to do.  He said he would stop.  Well, I found out recently that he is still talking to her and even had lunch with her recently when he went out to see his son.  She is now marrried, again,(she was then too, but left her husband thinking mine would leave me) and told my husband that her current husband knows all about him.  I don't think they are sleeping together again, but I still feel very cheated on.  Of all the people in the world that he could choose to still be friends with, I believe that this woman (a polite thing to call her) is the last person he should choose.  I don't know what to do.  We have two small children (2 and 3) and I only work part-time and am thousands of miles from my family.    I do know my husband loves me, but he doesn't think about my feelings like he should.  He was raised by a very selfish mother who didn't teach him to show any one respect (nor did she give him any).  I don't think he really understands.  He's highly eduacted, well-employeed, but sometimes just doesn't get it.    I can't leave, but I don't know what to do.  I guess I just needed to vent a little.  Thanks for listening.

Don't feel sheepish.  Be happy.  But, let your husband know you'd like to spend more time with him now.  When the children come, your time with your husband diminishes even more.  He needs to focus more time on you right now so that it's a habit when the kids do come.  Plus, he needs to be there more for you and the children when they come.  If he's not there now, who's going to help you when you need it with the baby?  Let him know you love him and you know he loves you, but make the changes now before it does get to be a problem.

If you were talking in response to me.  Thanks.  I have started putting money aside.  Right now I don't have enough nor am I in a position to go.  We are talking of moving again, this time to the midwest (job related) which would make it less expensive for me to live and be closer to my family (still several hundred miles, but not over a thousand anymore).  I figure if things don't change soon, I'm going to have to get out, but I do need to be prepared.  I'm beginning to get things going to start doing that, but it is a slow process.  I know my husband loves me, of that I have no doubt, it's just that I also know he doesn't understand love and respect as it should be.  His mother cheated on his father (who divorced her), but he (my husband) obviously didn't learn anything from it.  All I can ask for is prayers that I can turn his life around (I've made a lot of progress on other fronts with him) and get him to realize how much he hurts me and how much he will be hurting the children as they get older if he doesn't change.

I know I cannot change what his Mom did.  The hard part for me, is that I still love him.  No matter how mad I get (and I do) and no matter how much I feel like I hate him at times, I still love him.  However, you are right.  I have to save and I have to take stock of me.  Something I haven't been doing til lately.  As I get closer to 40 (only a couple of years), I realize that I can't live the rest of my life like this.   I waited til I was 31 before I got married because I wanted it to be the right guy.  I knew on our first date he was the one for me.  It's just later that things got complicated and confusing.  I'm not a proponent of divorce and that's why this is so hard for me.  I waited so long because I never wanted to be divorced.  Now it's just tough.  SO, all I ask is for prayers that things will work out the way they are supposed to.  I know God has a plan for me and will make things go His way.  Thank you.

Call a suicide prevention line immediately.  Do not consider suicide for your sake and for your children's.  It hurts a lot right now, but life is worth living.  You have young children who need you and will miss you if you do something that would be regretable.  NEVER consider suicide as a solution.  Please call the prevention hotline now.  It may help just to talk to someone who doesn't know you or your wife.  An outsider can give you a better perspective.  Also, maybe you should find a church or a clergyman (if you don't have one) that you can talk to.  God has a plan for you and dying by your own hand is not it.  God Bless you and take care.

You are so very right about it being hard to leave.  I believe that's what a lot of us are dealing with.  Camille is not an exception, unfortunately, I believe she is part of the majority of us.  I'm saving money and contemplating leaving, but it really isn't that easy.  Especially when you have two small children.  There are so many things I do love about my husband, it's just the infedelity that kills me.  I know leaving him would wake him up, but how much damage would it do to the kids and to me?  How much damage am I doing by staying?  Life isn't so black and white.  There is so much gray that everything begins to look muddy at some time.  Maybe if we could all make Lemon flavored foods out of our "lemons" we'd feel better.  Just a thought.

I struggle with my emotions most of all.  I feel deflated so much.  Somedays when things are going well, I wonder why he does the things he does.  Other days, I just want out.  My husband travels a lot (he's in sales), so sometimes that makes it easier too.  I just pretend that I don't care if something is going on.  I act like I'm just a single Mom.  Sometimes that makes me realize that I can do it.  The tough part for me, is I know I need his income right now.  I work part-time (as my children are still small) and don't make enough to support the three of us.  I finally got the nerve up the other day to tell him I felt like a single mom with a husband and I didn't know if I could take it anymore.  I told him I was going to start working on finding who I am.  If he doesn't like it, too bad.  He might find I can do just fine without him.   Maybe that's what needs to be done.  My biggest problem is I love my husband.  That's my struggle.  Please feel free to discuss with me more.  Thanks.

Boy does it sound like we're married to the same kind of person (for the most part).  I've had several years to deal with this, but it still keeps coming up and slapping me in the face.  Each time I think she's gone away and I can move on, I find that she's still in the picture.  I think I read in a previous quote from you that your husband doesn't like for you to "harp" on it.  Well, ditto - in those exact words.  He doesn't want to talk about it, nor does he want to hear about it.  He says whenever I bring it up, it "pushes him away from me".  I tell him he's already pushed me.  I just don't understand why he insists on continuing to talk to her.  Even if nothing is going on, he should have NOTHING to do with her.  His traveling lately has been the best for me right now.  It gives me that space away from him to figure myself out.   He loves our children, but he doesn't help much with any of the day to day stuff.  EVERYTHING is my responsibility.  He brings home the money - everything else is my job.  That's why I think I'm beginning to lose it.  If that's the way this marriage is going to continue, then I'll have to do it from my own home without him.  Anyway, thanks for listening.  If you want to talk more off the board, let me know and I'll make my email available for you to get.  Take care.  We will get through this.  Women are much stronger and can make things work much better than most men.   (Except Dr. Phil, of course!  :-)  )

you can email me at aandcs_mom@yahoo.com 

  

I'm having a good day, so we'll go from here.  Talk to you soon.