Messages By: qqqhhh

ALL relationships have these three things:  

the GOOD, the BAD and the UGLY.

And to make your relationship stand the test of time you have to SAVOR the good, DEAL WITH the bad and WORK THROUGH the ugly (ugly being baggage).

If it is killing you to try and keep "all of this" inside, then I might suggest that you LET IT ALL OUT.

If you can't let it out in a respectful and constructive way with your partner, then go get some help in the form of counseling.

I also strongly encourage you to KEEP ON struggling with finding yourself because if you lose who you are, then you can't even be a partner to yourself so how can you expect to be a true partner to anyone else?

Q

Sounds to me like he's really embarrassed.

It also sounds like he may have erectile dysfunction -- the reason for that could be medical or it could be mental.

I think that you should try to get this subject out on the open -- which may be pretty tough to do.

Rule out the medical FIRST and then work on the mental if needed.

My two cents... Q

Even though I can say that I am not the most experienced partner in the bedroom, I've been married 3 times and all have said they fantasize about other women and sometimes about other men -- if you want to get really honest.

In my current marriage, I was also surprised to find out that my hubby's many past girlfriends ALSO fantasized about other people INCLUDING women.

I also could care less about porn.  I fully understand that porn is ALSO fantasy and it is NO reflection of me or who I am.

So I choose not to take any sexual fantasy personally.

I also fully believe in trusting my partner and giving him the benefit of the doubt.  He has given me NO reason not to trust him.  If my hubby says that a fantasy during sex means nothing, then I TRUST HIM to mean what he says.

Personally, I would RATHER he be completely honest with me than keep any secrets, you know?

Q

Excellent advice!

I would like to add, Jackie, that maybe the two of you can at least meet in the middle somewhere?

You MUST try and if it doesn't work, then you know you've done the BEST YOU CAN.

Q

So, from the sound of it, you've made some mistakes.  It also sounds as though your wife may have not been completely honest with you about how she was feeling regarding your selfishness -- that is an assumption and if correct, that is her mistake.  As marital partners we are accountable to our spouses for how we behave.

So you've acknowledged that there is a lot of room for improvement and you've even been very willing to put your money where your mouth is -- you moved out peacefully and you were willing to get counseling.  BRAVO!

The only thing left to do are these things:  #1 follow through on counseling, #2 ask for forgiveness from your wife and be willing to forgive your self, and #3 leave the door open.

Not only will counseling give your wife the sign that you really meant what you said, but it will ALSO help you with your grief and healing. 

Because you have been so willing to acknowledge your wrongs, I suggest that you give that full accounting to your wife.  True forgiveness is not an easy thing, but you are already well on your way and I think that gesture is the right thing.

Once you've asked, the only other thing to do is leave the door open and wait to see if she'll have a change of heart.  That part is up to her.

Be gentle while you grieve, Q 

Don't know what the "major differences" are or what "same things" you guys are repeating, but it sounds as though there are some patterns here that would cause ANY partner to be wary.

First is the lack of communication while away on business and the FACT? that he isn't sleeping in his hotel room.  Until you have proof of an affair or philandering, my rule is give hubby the benefit of the doubt.

Second, and more alarming, is the drinking.  My questions are how much, how often, how does he behave when he's drunk and most important WHY is he drinking until he's drunk?  Something is wrong when a person medicates his pain and it's quite possible he isn't being honest about the reasons.  Since he expressed a need for more passion, my GUESS is he is dissatisfied but he ain't talkin' (more lack of communication).

I also think that his behaviors/actions ARE a big deal, if to no one but YOU.  I do not think you should simply sweep his behavior under the carpet just because HE THINKS they are no big deal.  Alcoholics are PROS at denial.  And so, I think you should explore what's going on or better yet, BOTH you guys explore this together.

If you guys really care, you will BOTH open up and TALK about the distance in your relationship and how to REALLY bridge the gap or cut the cord.

Alcholism is a deal breaker and consistent broken trusts are also a deal breaker.

Q

How do you know that your leaving her won't be the best thing that ever happened to her?

How do you know that she won't find the second love of her life -- if she's that lucky?

Isn't she responsible for HER life? 

Aren't you being somewhat presumptious?  Sounds to me like she managed to take care of a house, make it a home and raise 2 kids to adulthood -- that's not nothing.  Being a Stay-at-home- Mom or Dad is HARD WORK (and I've always worked) and I bet there are PLENTY of employers willing to have that kind of hardworker on their payroll.

Let's say that you do begin divorce proceedings... will she not get 1/2 the house and any other assets including your 401K?  If she has been a homemaker for 31 years, odds are, she will also get alimony at least for a set amount of time.  So she won't be completely penniless.

Besides, have you asked her whether she really wants you to hang on?  Maybe she doesn't?  You won't know until have that conversation.

Something along the lines of... how can we separate so that BOTH of us are OKAY?

And just because you end the marriage doesn't mean you guys HAVE to be enemies.  You could even be friends if you wanted to -- refreshing thought I think.

I can tell you one thing... you only have ONE LIFE on this big blue ball we call Earth and to be unwilling to live it to it's fullest is a tragic waste of life -- in y'all's case tragic waste of LIVES.

Time to get OFF the pot.  Limbo is not living.

My two cents... (and I really wish the BEST for you BOTH, really I do.) Q

How am I supposed to act around him?  I suggest that you be yourself.  It's really all you can be anyway.

What does he want from me?  I am sorry to say that, by his actions, he wants to end the relationship.  He is just taking the easy way out and trying to lessen your pain.  Trouble is... you will grieve and there is no getting around that.

How can I be just friends with him when I want more?  Maybe you can't.  I know that if I left my hubby (or vica versa) it would be too painful for me to "be friends".  The best thing that I could do is be civil. 

Please be gentle while you grieve, Q

I think you have a right to your anger.

I also think that neither you nor your hubby should do anything until you have calmed down.

It sounds as though you feel your partner is not making his own children a priority.  From where I'm sitting (here looking at the pictures of my kids on my desk) if my partner can't do that, then he is NO partner to me.

There are some lines that MUST be drawn DEEP in the sand.

If you have a partner who is unwilling or uncapable of being a TRUE partner, then you have NO marriage.

I also suggest that you re-read your insurance policy because many policy will NOT pay if it's a suicide.  Oh, and the next time he threatens to kill himself (emotional BLACKMAIL), tell him that you will call the police because you take threats SERIOUSLY.  When my Ex did that, he had to do some FAST talking to keep his counselor from COMMITTING him to the psych ward.

Q

We have a blended family.  I can tell you from experience that my hubby (the Step) also sometimes feels very left out. 

Believe it or not, it's a common problem in blended families.

Oh, and also let me say that I think that it is VERY heroic and self-sacrificing of you to allow your partner his time with his daughter.  You didn't mention how old she was but their time together will be limited because she will grow up and move away.

Still, I do understand how you feel.

I suggest that you do set up some time when it's just the two of you to NOT DO just work.  Set up play time.  And when agrees let him know how much you appreciate it.

I also suggest that, maybe, you set up sometime time with his daughter to do "girl stuff".  Kind of turn the tables on him -- see how he likes it.  Plus it continues to build a loving bond with his daughter and eventually she may insist on you being included too.

Another idea to schedule time with your own girlfriends while he has daughter time.

I hate to think how much he and his daughter are missing out when you aren't there too -- does he really want to put up a wall like that.  It's like shooting your relationship in the foot!

Q