Quote From: confused110I thought about going back to counseling. My counselor really helped me get to the point that I'm at with myself and in my marriage now. Once I got the courage to stand up to my husband I quit going.
No, I do not need someone to punch me to see that abuse is abuse. But it may be just the thing to get me to be able to finally tell him I'm done with him. I guess what I really want will never be. I want my husband to hear me out and let me tell him how he's made me feel all these years. Then I want him to feel bad about it and live happily ever after. I know I'm dreaming, but I also know every marriage has it's problems. That's why I question myself all the time. Like, since things are somewhat better, should I dismiss the bad times? Do I over react? Are my hormones to blame for my intolerance with him? My girlfriend asked me the other day how things are at home. I told her they are going well. Then she asked me if things are going well because I'm tolerating my husband or because they are really going well. I lied and said they are really going well. Then I thought about the "tolerating" part. That's exactly what I'm doing. I'm tolerating his behavior - because I'm scared. I have never lived alone. I lived at home until the day I got married. I've always relied on someone to help me with my decisions.
After each fight, he seems to try to be different but he always goes back to his same old ways. It's just longer time spans between each fight than it use to be.
On Dr. Phil's show today he said never decide to divorce until you've tried everything you possibly can to make things work. How do you know when you truly have tried everything?
How deeply entrenced under his control am I? I really don't know. He definitely controls me less than he did in the past but he still has some control over me. Where do you draw the line? How much control do you over look? How do I know if I'm expecting too much? I tell myself over and over what I want to say to him the next time we fight. But I never have the courage to say it to him. I think about him not being in my life all the time and how peacful my mind would be. But then I think of how different my life would be in other ways and it scares me.
What will it take to end the marriage? One good blow-out with my husband and the courage to tell him I've taken all I could take.
I have read where you have made a big mistake.
You lied to your girlfriend. To me, that tells me that you need more counseling. And I hope you don't feel bad about going back to a counselor.
Healing takes its own time. It took me about 6-7 counselors and about 12 years to recover and be fully healed. Everyone is different too.
Lying to a friend, to me, is almost the same thing as lying to yourself.
You are keeping the secret of abuse.
You lie to yourself, tellig yourself your marriage is getting better when it isn't. That's a really bad habit. I challenge and encourage you to stop doing that.
I answered this question: "How do you know when you truly have tried everything?" when I responded to jazzicat.
When you have truly tried everything you will KNOW. You will know you've had enough, you will know that you are GOING to leave. You may not have a plan or know when, but your path will be crystal clear.
When you are DONE, you are DONE.
Until that day/moment/second comes, you MUST keep working on you.
If you don't, you will continue to settle, you will stay in that place that keeps you down, the wings will not unfurl and you will not fly.
Go back to counseling.
Q
