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Messages By: skyblue555

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July 25, 2005, 9:34 am CDT

Feeling Lost Myself

I am so sorry to hear about your troubles with your brother.  It is so difficult to know what to do.  Currently I am in the process of separating from my fiance (been together 5 years) because his drinking has almost gotten out of control.  He is divorced and now wants to move his 12 year old son in to live with us.  I am a nervous wreck because of his drinking and can't even think about caring for a child.  That might sound selfish, but it is so terribly stressful living with someone who drinks and drives and you get calls from the police to come and get him (2 DUI's).  Three days before his son came for a visit a police officer called me at my job and asked me to come get my fiance because the police dept. had received calls that he was driving all over the road.  I had to leave work giving my boss another lie and pick him up.  The officer let him go because his breathalizer was just under the legal limit.  I saw my fiance speaking nicely to the cop, but I knew that he wouldn't be that way with me.  He was out of control in the car - kept banging on the door, turning up the radio, etc.  Finally he said I don't care any more and unbuckled his seatbelt and unlocked the door and opened it while I was driving about 60 miles an hour!  He tried to get out and he is a very large man and I was screaming and trying to hold him in the car.  Luckily we were close to home and I got him there safely, but I haven't been able to recover from that experience.  I am now so stressed and anxious.  I've seen my doctor and she told me I've lost 20 pounds since May.  I am now about 95 pounds and still can hardly eat from nerves.  I have to force myself.  I don't sleep at night and am always tired.  My fiance had the nerve to say a week or so back that the only reason we are not staying together is because of his kids.  In other words, I don't like them or want them.  He completely ignores the fact that he is an out of control alcoholic.  How can he care for a 12 year old?  He is going to kill himself with his actions or someone else.  He has told his family what a horrible person I am regarding his son and because they live out of state and don't know what's been happening, they believe him.  This man was so dear to me in the beginning and I loved him very much.  It is breaking my heart now to see him spiral downwards.  He is depressed, very overweight, and drinking constantly.  He won't live long.   I've read so many books on alcoholism and how to help your alcoholic and I've attended Al-Anon meetings and tried to be loving and supportive (as per the books), but to no avail.  Is there anyone else out there living this life?  I want some peace for myself, but I fear for what will happen to him when we are no longer together (he already has missed a car payment and is in debt.  Before our breakup I would have helped him and he would then pay me back)  He is terribly verbally abusive to me and it used to break my heart.  Some men from AA have met with him and told me he is heading downward and I need to get out because they fear for my safety.  I agree with them (he has not touched me yet).  It is so difficult to love someone yet let them go for the sake of your own mental and physical health.  My heart is just aching all the time.
 
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July 25, 2005, 5:23 pm CDT

To Runt1973

My fiance has had a alcohol problem for years now.  You watch and pray that he'll pull himself together because he isn't just destroying his life, he destroys the lives of those around him.  I've finally let my family in on his problem after years of excuses why I couldn't come to see them or attend a get together, or have them all over, etc.  They are disgusted with him and me, I think, because I have put up with him.  But this is a person I've loved and he always wasn't this way.  Our relationship started out in such a loving, wonderful, happy way that I sometimes think my life now is all a bad dream.  I am pretty naive and didn't realize he had a drinking problem.  At that time he could go for months without drinking and he was careful not to do that around me while we were dating.  I was completely in love with him when I realized how bad his problem was and I then became determined to help him.  Because of the stress I'm under, the lack of sleep, and a tremendous loss of weight, I now see a therapist and take anti-depressants.  I am learning that I am a MAJOR caretaker.  I should have had a target on my forehead.  A normal woman who had a decent amount of self esteem would not have taken all the crud I have for the past few years and that includes paying his bills, learning he goes on porn sites, finding out he goes to bars and buys drinks for other women, and also goes to strip clubs.  Along with these behaviors he verbally abuses me terribly when he's drunk because his rage comes out.  I pay all the bills when they're due, cook, clean, do the laundry and read everything I can on how to help the alcoholic.  I've done what they've said over these past years and it hasn't helped.  I can attend all the meetings I want to, but he is the person with the drinking problem and he is the one who has to attend the meetings and seek out help.  I know I've been a martyr and I feel foolish.  I've wasted the past five years of my life with someone who didn't get better with my intervention.  I read recently in one of my books on alcoholism that a person can be drowning and someone on shore sees them and jumps in to save them, but because that person doesn't know how to swim they both end up drowning.  I feel that's what I've done.  I know my heart was in the right place.  I tried every way to get him help.  And now I have to separate from him because my own mental and physical health are in jeopardy.  It's breaking my heart because I know the truly wonderful person he is (used to be).  It's terrible to give up on someone and let them "hit bottom."  My fiance's "bottom" will probably be death or jail and I can't bear the thought of that.   I still wish there was something I could do for him (my therapist would kick me for saying that!)
 
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August 3, 2005, 5:42 pm CDT

Finally Getting the Message

Quote From: hines14

Thank you for such a great post.  My husband has been alcoholic for over 20 years.  8 Aug 05 he gets released from prison for DUI.  I too have felt like there should be something more that I could do or say.  By the grace of God I now know that I can't do anything that my husband doesn't want to do himself.  I won't say it will be easy but I have already stated my boundaries clearly to him and WILL NOT negotiate with him.  I don't mean it to say it's my way or the highway but in a nutshell that's pretty much what it is.  I can't live like this anymore, waiting on the other shoe to drop.  More importantly I can't raise our son in this environment anymore.  I am worthy of dignity and respect and I am no longer the enabler I was when we married.  Time will tell if he will stay sober :)

I appreciated you message "Indian" and wish I had gotten it several years ago.  You can't change a disease with love or books.  The person who is ill has to change himself.   I have been married before and this relationship was so different and loving and wonderful in the beginning that I would have done anything to save it.  I feel guilt now that I probably was bad for my fiance rather than a help to him.  I knew many times that what I was doing was only enabling him, but I loved him so much and he seemed so contrite and felt so bad that I went ahead and didn't go with my instincts. 

My fiance and I will be officially living apart at the end of August.  He will be moving to a small place that he was able to get with borrowed money from his mother and sister.  He has no television, no plates, no bed, no furniture, no pots and pans, etc.  You name it, he doesn't have it.  What he does have is his 12 year old son.  Out of the blue, after not being able to see him for four years (and going to Court to do so) his son has come to live with him.  My fiance's ex-wife is mentally ill and is basically abandoning him at this point.  Neither my fiance or I can figure out what is going on and why she is behaving the way she is suddenly, but she is under the care of a doctor.

My fiance is still getting drunk.  So even though our relationship is ending because of it, and he is losing a beautiful home, and he hasn't the funds to pay his bills, and he has no household goods for a home, and his 12 year old son is FINALLY back in his life, he continues to drink!  These examples finally show me that he is so very, very sick with his alcoholism that nothing will make him stop.  And all those years I thought my "love" could turn the trick.  How foolish was I?

I've been advised by my therapist and a person I truly respect from AA that I have to tell someone that he is drinking around his son.  It is unbelievable to me that he does so, but I think he drove him somewhere last night while I was working.  I came home to find him very drunk in front of the boy and they had been to the store.  I don't know who to tell or what to do.  Any suggestions?   My fiance can be very frightening when he is angry and I can only imagine the amount of rage he'd have towards me if I said anything.  I know he loves his son and knows his mother is bad for him.  But Dad is getting drunk and driving drunk (2 DUI's) and can't take care of himself let alone a child.  Any help to offer?

 

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